March 2007
My husband's mom has just flipped her shit. I don't mean she just lost it for a minute or even went a little crazy for a few days. No, she straight up lost her marbles. I feel bit guilty that when I think of her the following names come to mind: insane, psychotic, etc. I feel especially bad because all of these things are (albeit unfortunately) true. You see, she is diagnosed with schizophrenia. Like most shizophrenics, she is fairly "normal" when she is on her medications, however, like most schizophrenics, she periodically quits taking her meds. I feel true sympathy for her but in order to cope with her outlandish behavior, it's either cry or laugh...I choose the latter. Some may ridicule or chastize me for making fun, but all fun is simply out of love for this crazy woman I'll now be related to for the rest of my life. So in order to preserve what little sanity I have, I will laugh and share some of her recent antics:
1. Like most of America, she recently watched "The Academy Awards". Since this viewing, she has called the Actors Guild no less than 50 times as she is convinced that myson is a child actor whom we are teaching to run around naked (please note earlier blogs that make reference to Caleb's preferred nakedness because his "skin needs air"). I assure you that as cute as Caleb is, he is in fact, not a child actor.
2. She hates some woman named "Theresa Martin". Over the past few years I have heard so much about Theresa Martin that I could rip my hair out. My poor husband often receives phone calls from his mother who states all kinds of horrible things about Theresa Martin. To this day, no one knows who the hell Theresa Martin is (and we probably never will).
3. Although it's apparent we do not live a celebrity lifestyle, she is convinced that we (her entire family included) flies around the world to have fun get togethers and parties without her in less than 24 hour periods of time.
4. She is convinced my huband's father is gay despite the fact he's been remarried (to a woman) for umpteenth million years.
5. She works for the FBI. Specifically, the FBI has inserted a microchip inot her ear for her to spy and do their work. She often is focused on illegal sex rings that sometimes take place in her apartment whenever she isn't home.
6.Chuck-E-Cheese is a brainwashing establishment. (Having been to Chuck-E-Cheese myself, there may be some actual truth to this one).
Friday, July 16, 2010
"A Baby Story"
February 2007
I was watching “A Baby Story” on TLC recently when Caleb came into the room. Being five-years-old (and naturally curious) along with his strong desire to have a baby brother someday, Caleb sat down and watched the show with me. Now Caleb has had the basics down on where babies come from since last summer. I am a strong believer in providing children with information when they are ready for it. Caleb obviously needed to get the gist of it last summer when he suddenly became afraid of one of my friends he previously adored. Last summer, when my friend began showing during her fifth month of pregnancy, Caleb wouldn’t so much as look at her. After much probing on my part, Caleb confided that he thought my friend had SWALLOWED her baby which was how/why she was pregnant. After recovering from my fits of suppressed giggles, I courageously trekked to the local Barnes and Noble and purchased an age appropriate book for him. Until viewing the TLC special, I thought Caleb understood the birthing process until he asked me if next time I had a baby he could watch me “poop it out”.
I was watching “A Baby Story” on TLC recently when Caleb came into the room. Being five-years-old (and naturally curious) along with his strong desire to have a baby brother someday, Caleb sat down and watched the show with me. Now Caleb has had the basics down on where babies come from since last summer. I am a strong believer in providing children with information when they are ready for it. Caleb obviously needed to get the gist of it last summer when he suddenly became afraid of one of my friends he previously adored. Last summer, when my friend began showing during her fifth month of pregnancy, Caleb wouldn’t so much as look at her. After much probing on my part, Caleb confided that he thought my friend had SWALLOWED her baby which was how/why she was pregnant. After recovering from my fits of suppressed giggles, I courageously trekked to the local Barnes and Noble and purchased an age appropriate book for him. Until viewing the TLC special, I thought Caleb understood the birthing process until he asked me if next time I had a baby he could watch me “poop it out”.
My Typical Day
February 7, 2007
I woke up this morning only to discover that one of my hairless cats, Phoenix, AKA “Dumpster Diver” had proceeded to jump head first into every trash can upstairs (again). Needless to say, there was toilet paper and all kinds of other unidentifiable crap everywhere. After cleaning up and spanking the cat (who was drinking out of the toilet-again-) I walked downstairs to find my son Caleb naked yet again. Despite the twenty degree weather outside, he insist on being naked (his reasoning-”I just like being naked-my skin needs air”).
My son continues to make me laugh everyday. I found out from his Nana that he begged to bring me home a “present” from their farm this past weekend. This “present” was a dead squirrel that he tried to convince his graddaddy would be a “great present for mommy because she can cook it for dinner”. Speaking of squirrels, Caleb and I were recently driving in the car when he spotted a dead squirrel on the side of the road. I told him that the squirrel was now in heaven with Jesus…Caleb’s response, “no he isn’t mommy- I can still see him laying on the side of the road”. How am I supposed to respond to that?
I woke up this morning only to discover that one of my hairless cats, Phoenix, AKA “Dumpster Diver” had proceeded to jump head first into every trash can upstairs (again). Needless to say, there was toilet paper and all kinds of other unidentifiable crap everywhere. After cleaning up and spanking the cat (who was drinking out of the toilet-again-) I walked downstairs to find my son Caleb naked yet again. Despite the twenty degree weather outside, he insist on being naked (his reasoning-”I just like being naked-my skin needs air”).
My son continues to make me laugh everyday. I found out from his Nana that he begged to bring me home a “present” from their farm this past weekend. This “present” was a dead squirrel that he tried to convince his graddaddy would be a “great present for mommy because she can cook it for dinner”. Speaking of squirrels, Caleb and I were recently driving in the car when he spotted a dead squirrel on the side of the road. I told him that the squirrel was now in heaven with Jesus…Caleb’s response, “no he isn’t mommy- I can still see him laying on the side of the road”. How am I supposed to respond to that?
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