Addictions and Such...

Blame it on my "Libra" nature or my early childhood experiences but the fact remains I have always had (and most likely always will) an addictive personality. Be it cigarettes, alcohol, food, unhealthy relationships, etc., I have a hard time distancing myself from said vices (alas, I've had a life long curse of being able to dish out good advice but the inability to apply it to myself). Given my addictive nature I am thankful I never experimented with drugs as it might have proved lethal. I no longer smoke (I quit more than two and half years ago and although I fell into a rut in December, I have not taken a puff since December 21st) I still fight nicotine urges with regular frequency. My mother is a recovering alcoholic (she's been sober for nearly fourteen months) and my birth father is also an alcoholic. To be frank, alcoholism runs rampant throughout my family tree. At this time in my life I drink casually (averaging about one Saturday evening per month). In retrospect I now realize there were periods of time in my early and mid twenties in which I was on the brink of blatantly abusing alcohol. I know the risk is there and although I believe forewarned if forearmed, I still recognize genetics for what they are. Food issues? Where do I even begin? I've been fat and I've been skinny and probably everything in between. It's mostly about control and I am a slave to it to this day. Surprisingly I've come to realize that I worry and feel the most insecure about my body whenever I am at my thinnest. It's difficult not to become obsessive (something I've recently fallen prey too). I have to keep my excersizing in check (being careful not to over exercise) and to eat healthy (too much of anything is unhealthy and lately I have developed an addiction to Atkins protein bars). Weighing daily, obssessing over the numbers, it's enough to drive a person insane. Depression...check (just read previous blogs). The sunny side of things? I am able to recognize my shortcomings and challenges and in a lot of ways admittance leads to recovery and healing (well that and a good therapist).