Miss No-Longer Afraid

"When Miss Independent walked away
 No time for love that came her way
 She looked in the mirror and thought today
 What happened to Miss No-longer-afraid?"
"It took some time for her to see
 How beautiful love could truly be
 No more talk of, "Why can’t that be me?"
 I’m so glad I finally see"
 -Kelly Clarkson

Cautious, distrustful, reluctant- all of these adjectives adequately described my views on love and happiness-that is, until recently.  Although there are likely a multitude of reasons that contributed to my recently changed views, I believe personal growth is the main contributing factor.  I have been working very hard at breaking down emotional barriers I created long ago (the same barriers I vowed never to break down all in the name of "self-protection").  Though it's cliche, I truly do believe "like attracts like" and that "you  are the company that you keep"....which isn't necessarily a bad thing...unless you happen to be at an emotionally unhealthy place in your life.  Unfortunately, I was caught in the midst of emotional toxicity for many years and it has only been through diligent and concentrated efforts, that I finally began to make significant progress. This is not to suggest that I have conquered all of my demons or that I do not have to continue working on myself (as I am well aware this will be a life long process).  What I did not expect is for all of the hard work to so quickly begin producing such amazing results.  Until now, I did not realize that once I arrived at a healthy, happy place that it would in turn attract others who are there as well.  In short, my "What a Girl Wants" blog has materialized (shocking I know- I mean have you read all of the *monumental* qualifications I penned?)   Nonetheless, it has happened...I've been swept off my feet...

Can't Buy Me Love...

Say you don't need no diamond rings
And I'll be satisfied
Tell me that you want the kind of things
That money just can't buy
I don't care too much for money
Money can't buy me love
-The Beatles

I have known people throughout the years who have pursued wealth firmly believing it to be a sure path to true happiness.  My own experiences with wealth not only disproves this notion, it also suggest a link between money and unhappiness.   For example, one of my first serious relationship's in high school was with a guy whose father was a self made multimillionaire.  Initially I was swept away by their luxurious lifestyle-an Olympic size indoor swimming pool, multiple Mercedes (as well as a plethora of other expensive vehicles), vacation homes, a private Lear jet, etc.  However, despite their lavish lifestyle it quickly became apparent this family was not only miserable but also highly dysfunctional.  With that said, why do Americans buy into the propaganda that great wealth creates happiness?  Personally I believe it's pushed upon us from every angle- commercials, tabloid magazines, etc.  Materialism is worshiped if not downright glorified in our society.  In fact, American consumers are continuously encouraged to consume more, want more, and that bigger is better- all of which presumably leads to happiness.  I beg to differ.  As a child (up until the age of twelve), my parents were able to provide a comfortable, upper-class lifestyle however, when they divorced, we were catapulted into a different world (to say nothing of an entirely different socioeconomic class).  Yet despite the new circumstances we found ourselves in, our family grew closer-learning to appreciate the smaller things in life.  Without this experience it is unlikely I would have come to know the true value of family and what happiness really means.  This is not to suggest that money is not valuable or that it's wrong to be wealthy, rather, it all comes down to one's perspective.  I do believe money and happiness can coincide, however, I do not think having one necessarily demands you need the other in order to be happy.  As others read this they may wonder what prompted me to blog about this particular issue and I can only respond by saying that it's because I believe happiness can only be found in the present moment.  If a person lives only for tomorrow, they will never appreciate what exist today.  It is only by living in each moment that a person can come to know real happiness.  After all, we are only promised today.  

I Wish I Knew Then What I Know Now...

Dear Self-

Never compromise or self sacrifice who you truly are.

It's okay to have high standards- you really are worth it.

Never settle (there is more out there and you will find it much sooner than you think).

Love really is all you need. 

Dare to dream--and in fact, dream big.

Continue dismantling your emotional brick walls--it's a sure path to true happiness. 

There is no shame in failing--only shame in never trying.

Stop over analyzing....accept things as they are (it really is what it is). 

Fairy tales do exist.

Humor really is the best medicine.

Take risks because eventually they pay off.

Embrace adventures-you never know where they might lead you.

Dare to love with complete abandon.

Pay attention- there are miracles occurring around you every day.

Never stop writing-it's your best creative outlet.

Be kind and good to yourself.

Work hard at maintaining conscious contact with your higher power.

Remember power, control and fear are nothing more than illusions.

Keep an open mind.

Love deeply and give freely.

The Chronicles of Charlie

Dear Mommy-

I'm sorry I chewed up the toothbrush...okay, I admit it-I didn't just chew it up, I ate the entire bristled head.  And since I'm already in trouble--I mean apologizing, I'm also sorry for keeping you awake the last few nights.  For some inexplicable reason I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night with the uncontrollable urge to pounce on your face.  Between you and me, I think I've got some impulse control issues in addition to my PICA.

I love you mommy,

Charlie

Scattered

Fall is my favorite season....tall, stylish boots, soft, twirly scarves, orchards, pumpkins, Halloween, haunted houses-what more could one ask for?

Paradox: I love the look of a man's five o'clock shadow but I can't tolerate facial hair against my face (it causes my sensitive skin to turn red and blotchy, not to mention it just plain hurts)

For the majority of my life I have despised the smell and taste of coffee flavored anything...this all changed when I discovered McDonald's non-fat vanilla lattes (sorry Starbucks-you don't even come in as a close second)

Super Sized Blow Pops are my go to for sugar fixes (with Blue Raspberry being my favorite flavor)...

I think the 1980's rocked the best candy ever (think pixie sticks, lemon heads, fun-dip, pop rocks, etc.)

My favorite flowers are lilies (I think they look and smell the prettiest)

There is no such thing as paying too much for perfume or cologne (smelling delicious is priceless)

I think 68 degrees is the perfect indoor temperature (my mother begs to differ...what can I say?  I must have been an Eskimo in a former life :)

Pure Beech sheets are pure heaven- and thanks to my sister Amanda I can no longer sleep on anything else...

Neutrogena "Rain" is the best bubble bath on the market
I love lavender scented lotions...there's simply something soothing about it

I think less is more (especially when it comes to makeup)

I've always longed to have blue eyes

I love my dog but if she doesn't stop jumping on my head (throughout the night) she is going to be banned from the bedroom

Falling off the balance beam...

In one of my recent blogs I questioned whether friends can be lovers (even just for a night) then return to being friends.  Although I suspect the answer is an emphatic no, I’m in no way volunteering myself to find out (not even for the sake of satisfying my…ahem…curiosity as to whether it’s indeed possible--sorry boys, I’m just not that kind of girl).  Which brings me to my next topic- sleeping with an ex and the implications (or fallout) that comes with it?  While my personal love life (or lack thereof) is no one’s business but my own, I (grudgingly) admit I have some insight in this area.  To be more specific, I was recently under the assumption Matt and I could keep our friendship intact despite our breakup (what a terribly wrong assumption on my part).   Although Matt and I will in all likelihood be able to resume our friendship eventually, I cannot be his friend right now (no matter how painful the loss of his companionship is at this time).  I have rarely been the person who’s been broken up with (I was a “love ‘em and leave ‘em” kind of girl- or better yet—I was the “I’ll leave you before you have the chance to leave me” kind of girl (rest assured these are past issues thanks to maturity and years of therapy).  With that said, I now realize that the person who actually initiates the breakup is in a far different place than the person being broken up with (funny how being on the recieving end changes one's perspective).  It’s simply not possible for me to be around Matt right now because I do not yet have the emotional distance, healing or closure to be able to perceive (as well as interact) with him as a friend only.  I will get there eventually but it’s going to take time….which is difficult because it means I didn’t just lose my partner, I’ve also (at least temporarily) lost my best friend.  Despite knowing our breakup is the right course of action (we just don’t want the same “deal breaker” type things), it’s still very, very hard.  I miss him.  In fact, this breakup seems harder than most-perhaps because it didn’t end over a horribly hurtful event (i.e. cheating, etc.) in which it’s possible to hate the other person (nothing like rage to motivate a person to move on).  In fact, it ended on good terms, even loving terms which to me is the hardest way to end it at all.

The Art of Balancing

Finding a balance between what Matt and I once were and what we are now is challenging.  I've always been the type of person who (when something shocking or traumatic happens ) immediately shifts into survival mode- taking care of what needs to be taken care of, etc.  This trait must be innate as I have operated in this manner as far back as I can remember- it isn't a choice-rather, it's an automatic response with no forethought on my part.  My automatic reaction when faced with a crisis (while everyone else is falling apart)is to go on auto pilot until the crisis is stabilized.  Unfortunately, this means that once some sort of equilibrium is found, I finally give myself permission to fall apart (translation-everyone else has already processed the crisis right when I am just beginning to acknowledge a crisis even occurred).  This type of "fight or flight" response is ideal say if there were a terrorist attack or some sort of other cataclysmic event, however, it's far from ideal in a lot of other situations.  Which brings me to this- while Matt is continuing to grieve/process our breakup (and has been for several weeks now), it has only hit me in the last twenty-four hours that our relationship is truly over.  At the time we broke up I felt relief and pride- I was so proud of Matt for finally choosing himself and voicing what he needed in order to be happy (things I would never be capable of providing).  Now that a few weeks have passed, the reality of the dissolution of our relationship is just now hitting me.  Although I know beyond a doubt that ending the relationship was the right thing to do, it does nothing to lessen the grief.  At this time, I simply need time and space to allow myself to heal and move on- I know (as with all things) it will get better in time.

Somebody that I used to know...

She used to like:


Sunbathing-with little or no regard for sun damage and future sun spots

Clubbing till the wee hours of the morning regardless of the consequences awaiting her the next day

Thinking she’d eventually be happily married with at least two children

Happy hours and consuming far more than what is socially acceptable

Thinking she was always in control

Thinking she was content with frivolous and materialistic things

Believing looks were everything

Micromanaging everything

Passively existing in the world

Thinking if she just made herself want something badly enough then eventually she would actually come to want it

Thinking in terms of black and white with little to no room for gray

Feeling entitled

Feeling worshiped from a distance- never allowing anyone to get close enough to ruin the illusion

Pretending everything was okay

Being codependent

Being a slave to others as well as herself

Keeping things under lock and key



Today she likes:

Taking care of herself in healthy ways

Snuggling up with a good book

Writing about everything she used to keep hidden

Relinquishing the control she never truly had

Earning rather than demanding respect

Acknowledgement that marriage and more children are not for her

Not having to pretend anymore

Having friends who are authentic

Going to bed at ten o’clock

Taking naps on the weekend

Having true independence

Seeing the world as it truly is

Knowing what she believes in and why

Thinking in broader terms-from black and white to every color in between

Acceptance for things as they are and not as she would have them
Being valued for what’s on the inside vs. the outside

Challenging herself

Having true freedom and peace of mind

The Deeper End of Shallow....

I have always been a “list” person- forever creating various to do lists, grocery lists, work task lists, etc. Making lists is a simple way for me to put complicated tasks into a compartmentalized order. The following list is not the type of list I normally fret over rather, it is a wish list of things I desire but normally feel too shallow to cop to…

I wish I had:

A personal shopper with an unlimited expense account

A sleek, black sporty convertible

Abs you could bounce a coin off of

Enough money to pay off all debts

A beach house in Barbados

All three books I’ve written on the New York Times Bestseller’s List

A closet full of designer heels and handbags

A personal chef, housekeeper, masseuse, and stylist

An apartment in New York City

Enough money that I could work part-time so that I could contribute large amounts of time to charity/volunteer work/philanthropy

A personal trainer who would personally drag me out of bed and into the gym

Regular lunch dates with Oprah

An in home library consisting of floor to ceiling books (complete with a sliding ladder)

A Victorian house by the sea with a large study in which I could write inspired and undisturbed

A vast amount of land that could be converted into a wildlife reserve for animals unable to live in the wild

The luxury of returning to school and taking classes in any subject I wish

The capability to travel around the world-both for sightseeing as well as activist purposes

Mastered a foreign language

The opportunity to be a U.S. Diplomat

My own botanical garden complete with a hammock and spa

Enough power and clout to eradicate all forms of abuse and neglect

The perfect jean- comfortable and flattering

The opportunity to travel through Italy at my own leisure

Unlimited access to all bookstores, libraries, etc.

An opportunity to study at an Ashram

Say Goodbye

“Say Goodbye”


“So here we are tonight
You and me together
The storm outside, the fire is bright
And in your eyes I see
What's on my mind
You've got me wild
Turned around inside
And then desire, see, is creeping
Up heavy inside here
And know you feel the same way
I do now
Now let's make this an evening
Lovers for a night, lovers for tonight
Stay here with me, love, tonight
Just for an evening
When we make
Our passion pictures
You and me twist up
Secret creatures
And we'll stay here
Tomorrow go back to being friends…”
-Dave Matthews

I’m not going to elaborate much on this particular entry as I feel the above lyrics adequately capture the topic I am attempting to address….which is this--Is it possible to be lovers just for a night then go back to simply being friends the day after? Personally I would say it depends on the circumstances….as a general rule I would venture to say men (more than women) are more likely to be able to separate emotional attachments from physical pleasures. I personally have never been a fan of indulging in a “friends with benefits” relationship (perhaps I’ve seen far too many movies in which one of the friend’s ends up wanting or needing more than the other desires). On the other hand, one night stands (AKA sex between strangers-gross) has never appealed much to me either. Which brings me to my last question- Can two people who were once in a romantic relationship later revert to being only friends and still occasionally sleep with each other (without compromising their friendship)?  Or is this simply an unrealistic ideal that will only end in disaster?  Is it in fact better to sever all sexual components in a romantic relationship once it ends?  And if not, where do the boundaries begin and more specifically, where do they end?  

Over thrown....

To say Matt's family doesn't like me would be a huge understatement...they don't just dislike me, they loathe all I represent.  In all fairness, they have earned the right to despise me since Matt and I divorced (trust me when I say that I provided every reason imaginable to warrant this).  With that said (and if we're all being truly honest here), they never really liked me to begin with.  It is my opinion that the primary reason for their dislike is due to the fact their wishes for Matt strongly clashed with everything about me.  I strongly suspect their visions for Matt included a demure, conservative, church going, homemaker- with at least 2.5 children and a white picket fence (okay I just threw the picket fence part in- cliche I know).  I have no doubt they were dismayed to learn I was divorced (not only with a toddler but also with little inclination to have more), three years Matt's senior, liberal, opinonated, career-oriented, and anti organized religion.  In hindsight, I must have stomped all over their ideals- in other words, I was the girl down the street parents warned their children to avoid rather than the girl next door they longed for as their future daughter-in-law (i.e.-parents hoping for wholesome Jennifer Aniston but instead getting scary Angelina Jolie).  I do not blame them for wanting what they percieve to be right for Matt- after all, Matt was heavily involved in church and church related activities in his youth and is a natural with children.  I guess it's only natural they thought I was to blame for Matt no longer traveling to see them as often or his lack of involvement with church during that time (in my defense I never tried to influence or persuade him one way or the other).  Upon realizing I must have come across to Matt's family as intimidating and threatening (if not an outright black witch) I realized that none of my previous boyfriends parents had ever really liked me either (the only exception would be Caleb's paternal grandparents and even then we only became close after their son and I divorced).  Arriving at this  realization was both unexpected and disconcerting.  Seeking some sort of insight I immediately called one of my sister's who quickly reassured me I was not alone- that she too, was rarely accepted by any of her previous paramour's families.  My sister further explained that she and I probably do come across as strongly independent, etc. which in most families is not exactly common-especially given the demographical region we live in.  Although I would not compromise myself in order to meet the expectations of others, I do find it somewhat sad that I have consistently been unable to gain their acceptance and approval.  On the other hand, I am extremely grateful my own family values diversity and differences-I'll take uniqueness to conformity any day.

What a Girl Wants...

Those who do not know us well (as those who do clearly see the incompatibilities) are shocked to discover I would let a guy like Matt go.  Most women I know would kill to have what Matt has to offer- good looks, faithfulness, dedication, and exquisite bedroom..ahem...skills (not to mention he's the ideal husband-he's great with kids, does more than his share of household chores, and is a true family man).  More pointedly, most people look at me and wonder what the hell is wrong with me (a reasonable and legitimate question).  First let me point out that I am in no way looking for a partner or even a date at this time (for now I am perfectly content being single).  Yet with two failed marriages I admit a closer look at what qualities are important to me is warranted...and with the (impossible) list that follows I will probably remain single for life.  Seriously.

Here it goes (in no particular order):  **
Great sense of humor
Likes children (my son in particular)
Does not want any additional children (i.e. the two of us having a child together)
Financially stable
Intelligent (is knowledgeable about politics/world events and is preferably a Democrat; enjoys reading and is well read)
Takes great satisfaction in his chosen career (and is educated- a must; a college graduate-preferable)
Faithful/committed in all relationships
Confident but not arrogant (is affectionate but not needy); is secure enough in himself that he's not intimidated that I am remain friends with Caleb's dad and best friends with his stepdad
Has a close knit family and a great relationship with them
No fanaticism of any sort
Open minded, non judgmental, and is not sexist, racist, or prejudice
Kind-hearted (feels drawn to help others in need--think an activist of sorts)
Spiritual (though not necessarily religious as I am not religious and do not foresee me ever becoming this way.  He must at least be open to the idea of Karma, reincarnation, etc.- a tall order I am well aware).
Great kisser
Attractive
Age is not a huge factor but not under 30 and not over 45 (there's really not much leadway on this- I don't think people really begin to discover who they are before their thirties.  As for over 45- well that's just way too close to my parents ages...)
Pulls their own weight in the relationship-a true 50/50
Does not use drugs of any sort (and preferably does not drink or smoke)
Is completely comfortable in being in a long-term partnership-should it ever come to that (as I firmly believe I will not get married again)
Would be comfortable possibly never cohabiting (what can I say- I like my independence-it would take a lot to persuade me)
Is not a sports fanatic (although UK basketball is acceptable ^-^)
Laid back-somewhat of a homebody, but is passionate-about life, people, and me
Desires traveling and is not opposed to relocating in the future
Drama free
Articulate, good communication skills, emotionally expressive
Has no desire to participate in the club or bar scene- in other words he's left his partying way behind him (like willingly left them behind in his twenties)
Soulful
Fair, considerate, and honest
No violence of any sorts
Motivated but not ADD
Emotionally and mentally healthy/stable
Knows what he wants and why he wants it; has strong beliefs/opinions and knows exactly why he believes in them
Accepting of my family dynamics---Caleb is loved by many and in turn this usually results in an entourage of sorts at Caleb's school, sporting events, etc.
Is not superficial or nauseatingly materialistic
Challenges me-can respectfully debate ideas, topics, points of interest

I feel entirely certain this list will grow with time...it's impossible I know.  Luckily I am pretty content with all I currently have. 


**My list in some ways may suggest that Matt does not possess any of the above qualities, however, this would be an inaccurate assumption.  The truth of the matter is that when it comes down to "deal breakers", we simply want different things yet I love him nonetheless.

Things that make me go hmm....

Since our relationship ended, Matt and I have been cautious and tentative within our newly defined "friends only" relationship.  Although the dissolution of any relationship is painful, letting go of what was clearly not working and instead focusing on the friendship aspects appears to be working for us.  Without question, Matt will always be one of my best friends and have a place within my life.  Despite momentary pangs of sadness, I intuitively know that hanging on to our friendship and letting go of all else is the right thing to do.  After all, I'd rather have him as my friend than not have him in my life at all (which I feared might happen if we'd continued to try and force something that clearly wasn't going to work).  While it appears I have chosen to take the higher, moral road, do not be completely fooled.  Thanks in part to my astrological Libra marking (or at least that's the one excuse I permit myself to have), I am easily provoked into becoming a vicious, jealous green-eyed monster.  Though I admit this monster has become more tame over the years, she is far from broken.  Case in point?  Matt and I were talking on the phone last night when he admitted someone asked him out the day before.  While I have no rightful claim to be even remotely jealous, my monster clearly did not care whether I was entitled or not.  Initially surprised by my (monster's) violent reaction, I later realized it had more to do with me wanting to protect Matt than anything else.  I don't like for people to hurt or mistreat those I love.  I am not a wicked witch nor would I act like one once Matt begins dating...unless of course she deserves it...then all bets are off....^-^