Blow Me

"I will do what I please, anything that I want
 I will breathe, I won't breathe, I won't worry at all
 You will pay for your sins, you'll be sorry my dear
 All the lies, all the wise, will be crystal clear"...

-Pink "Blow Me {One Last Kiss}"

As much as I would like to indulge my anger and wallow in self-pity, I truly am trying to live differently today.  While I have no intention of throwing my ex under the bus (alas he has done a fine job of placing himself there), I do feel I have legitimate reasons for being angry.  My former self would have cared nothing about legitimacy or the lack thereof and would have instead behaved viciously upon learning of the infidelity.  In essence, my former self would have lunged for his emotional jugular- all of which I felt was justified in the name of glorified vengeance.  My former self would have utilized cruel manipulative tactics in order to seek what I perceived to be justified payback.  Admittedly, my former self would have patiently waited for the right opportunity before returning the favor of stabbing the metaphorical knife through the heart. 

That is not who I am today.

Today (although self admittedly hurt and angry), I am choosing to take whatever lessons I can gain from this experience and let the rest go.  I have faith that this situation occurred at this particular time in order for me to further my personal growth.  What I have discovered are the dangers of naively jumping in- of blindly trusting that all people possess nothing but good intentions.  I have long had the unfortunate tendency of blindly trusting that no person would ever intentionally set out to harm me.  Painfully I have discovered this is not always true and to continue believing in this type of fallacy may result in unsafe (if not outright dangerous) consequences.  Through this experience I have also come to realize that some people are incapable of loving and caring for another person in a healthy way...for whatever reason, they have simply never learned how to behave otherwise.  Last, I have learned that while all people suffer from some sort of emotional sickness, some are much sicker than others.  I cannot blame an emotionally sick person for being ill any more than I can blame a terminally ill patient for being sick.  Regardless of my current feelings of hurt and betrayal, I know that in time I will take away great strength from this experience.