"Codependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as in an addiction to alcohol or drugs); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of or control of another. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships. Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns. Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent".
Human beings possess what psychologists call a "Homing Instinct". In essence, this can be described as the need to reconstruct the familiar- to recreate the family life our childhood in our present relationships. Ironically, the more painful and dysfunctional the circumstances our childhood entailed, the more compelled we are to recreate the situations in our present day lives. It is important to note that these compulsions are recreated unconsciously. According to various research in this field, only 20% of our decisions come from the conscious, reasoning mind; the remaining 80% comes from deep within. The most obvious question one may ask is why would any person go to such extreme lengths to replicate such toxic situations? While therapists give a multitude of reasons for this need to repeat the past, the most common reason includes recreating that which is familiar. For example, although a particular event or living situation may have been uncomfortable-even abusive, it is familiar because it is what we have been conditioned to view as "normal". After all, "normal" is subjective- as children we believe our family of origin and our home environment is the manner in which all other families function. Herein lies the danger of codependency- unless we can identify and heal the wreckage of our past, we are often doomed to repeat it.
I can relate. Growing up my parents marriage was less than ideal. My parents relationship was unhealthy and in my opinion emotionally abusive. My intent is not to attribute blame, but rather to state the situation as it is. I blame no one for events that took place in my childhood- each parent did they best they could do at that particular time. With that said, this is not to suggest that no harm took place or that long term effects were not set into motion that would later unfold. It was not until my first marriage began to fall apart that (through the help of a gifted therapist) I began to see I had recreated my parents marriage when I married my first husband. The emotional distance and lack of intimacy I witnessed in my childhood were traits I vowed to avoid when selecting a partner however; this is exactly what I chose with my then partner. Hence, coming from a dysfunctional family I later found myself in the very same dysfunctional relationship I had tried to avoid.
Unfortunately codependency is a learned trait and is often passed down from one generation to the next. Thus, if a person remains trapped in a vicious cycle of codependency they are teaching their own child/children the very traits they wish to escape. Because codependency is often subtle and subconsciously learned, breaking the cycle is difficult but of monumental importance. While I was able to later break free from my first dysfunctional marriage, it would take many painful years before I began to address the very issues which led me to seek out that type of relationship to begin with. As a result, I went on (post divorce) to become involved in various types of addictive behaviors and/or unhealthy relationships. Though I still have much further to go, it has been through mentors, therapists, support groups, books, prayer, etc. that I have been able to recognize my own codependent tendencies and begin to behave and choose differently. By no means has this been an easy endeavor. At present I find myself in my first (ever) healthy adult romantic relationship. Luckily I have been blessed to find a partner who is not only willing to help me grow but who is also on a journey of self growth. To summarize, codependency is a type of bondage that not only affects the individual but also the family at large. Fortunately, the bondage of self ceases to be powerful the very moment in which one recognizes it is only bondage to begin with.
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