Training Wheels

When I was very young I received my first bike. It was sky blue with wispy clouds complete with streamers and a basket. I coveted my bike and thought I was the queen of all things when riding it. Alas came the day when my training wheels were removed. After a few spills followed by some wobbly success in the grass, I bravely set out to conquer the world. At first things went smoothly, however, as I began to gain in speed I forgot how to use my brakes. Glorious scars remain to this day. As a result, I was shaken and refused to try again for some time.

Fast forward three decades and I find myself at a crossroads. It's time to remove my training wheels once more, however, this time I face life rather than a stretch of pavement. I'm scared. I'm anxious. I fight daily bouts of panic as my previous life crumples through my fingers. I thought I was safe. I thought I was loved and protected. I am vulnerable without the comfort of my training wheels. 

As a young child I struggled with mornings. I often had an upset stomach with crippling anxiety. I did not want to go to school because I didn't want to leave my place of security and venture into the unknown. And yet I thought I had conquered those demons long ago. Alas I'm once again frightened in the mornings. Sick with a hangover of "what ifs".  This is me at my weakest. Naked, exposed. 

With that said, I feel strong and confident in many areas. I am confident in my ability to parent, remain sober, and make it on my own. All of this takes courage, determination, and daily prayer. I work at it everyday. I sometimes fall short but I know God's got it. 

When all layers are peeled away, I'm scared of the unknown. That's the real issue. To put myself out there- because wouldn't it be safer and more comfortable not to? My demon, Isolation, calls to me; luring me into a false sense of safety. "Play it safe" she purrs. Today I will surrender but not to her. Today I choose to bend and not break. To lean in not out. To face the fear of the unknown. I am remembering life would not be life without that.