2016

This year. A lot happened. My reality crashed then dissipated. So much change and personal growth. There are many words to describe my life on December 31, 2016: Freedom. I feel free today. Free from anger, loneliness, and unhappiness. Free to make my own decisions. Free to live authentically. Free to love and accept myself as I am. Gratitude: I am grateful for my life today. I am so very grateful my losses became some of my greatest strengths. I am grateful in having reconnected to the rooms of my recovery program.  I am grateful for the many gifts I discovered through pain and loss. I am grateful to be surrounded by people I love and who love me in return. Love: my greatest love is my son. He brings so much joy into my life. I also discovered love in one of the most unexpected ways.  A dear friend set me up with one of her friends. We clicked. It is such a gift to have this person in my life. I love him greatly. Strength: I am making it. I am able to financially support myself and my son. My sobriety is solid. I have the strength to work through my issues with a great therapist. I am able to share my experience, strength and hope with others. Thank you 2016. Regardless of what is occurring in the world, my world today is filled with love, peace, and deep gratitude. 2016 I will never forget or regret you. You gave me back myself. You woke me up from a deep sleep. I am no longer blind. 

Starving

"I didn't know that I was starving till I tasted you
Don't need no butterflies when you give me the whole damn zoo
By the way, by the way, you do things to my body
I didn't know that I was starving till I tasted you"

-Hailee Steinfeld

I had no clue as to how ravenous I was for true connectivity. Honestly I had no idea how much I craved the intimacy I've since found with the man I love. Thoughtfulness, kindness, and attentiveness were unknown to me. This man embodies all of these characteristics and more. His laugh, charm, and sweetness overtake me. I am his. And still yet, I remain intact as my own person. This is what healthy looks like. This is foreign to me. There is a healthy balance between "me" and "we". Instead of making concessions and sacrificing who I am, this is the type of relationship which enhances the lives of both people. I am beyond grateful for the gift he is. I am now experiencing a relationship with equal receptivity. It amazes me that I was able to accept less in past relationships. Our relationship has allowed me to grow in healthy ways. I am a better person because of it. I must thank this man for all that he is. I am no longer starving.

Two keys, Two cats, and a Turkey

Thanksgiving day was interesting this year. It was a whirlwind which included unconventional adventures. I will attempt to provide a snapshot of that day as follows:

1. We drove to my mother's house at least 3 times within a 24 hour period to check on her two cats. I continue to be baffled as to why they couldn't survive without a check in each evening. They're cats. With food, water, and litter boxes. Note my my mom lives in another town.

2. Wrong keys played a vital role for said trips.

3. As a result of having the wrong key we then drove downtown (again in another city) to obtain a key from my sister. The quick exchange resulted in a whirlwind of actions and a very long wait (the perfect snap shot of that which is her). I'm surprised my boyfriend didn't run away and leave me there. 

4. We made it just in time to see a movie (most of which my boyfriend slept through). Truly I found his light snoring hilarious.

5. Realized halfway through the movie I left my sisters key at her house. 

6. In order to retrieve the key we must go to her partner's mother's house.

7. Retrieved the key to get into my sister's house.

8. Finally checked on said cats only to confirm they were alive and well.

9. Had plans to eat at Cracker Barrel only to find the wait time is 1.5 million hours.

10. Went to Bob Evans where dinner was actually delicious.

11. Arrived home which was the best part of the day given we worshipped each others bodies.

Time well spent...

I've been slow to write the last couple weeks. It isn't that something's wrong-in fact it's quite the opposite. I've been wrapped up in love. It's that simple. The man I call my own has been able to work closely around the town I live in. This has resulted in bliss as well as extra time spent together. I covet the time we spend in each other's company. I adore him and I think it's safe to say he adores me in return. This gift of time has provide an opportunity to further explore each other's daily lives. What I have found is that it only confirms what I suspected to be true-we are a true match. Our connections continue to solidify and grow. Can I see into the future? No. But I can say that I can't imagine a future without him in it.