Frostbite

Winter. It's a love hate relationship. I adore the lovely sheets of white powdered snow. I detest the bitter cold and darkness which devours the evenings. Long gloomy weathered days does have its benefits. It often leads to introspection and reflection. It helps me to write and express myself-a release I crave like a desert craves water. Yet it can also be dangerous. I am easily tempted to drown in a hole of blackness-I can easily withdraw into myself with little awareness of having done so. I am rarely lonely. I am an empath introvert at heart. When the blackness beckons I must be coaxed out of my isolation. I am becoming more aware of this today which in and of itself holds power. But if I am to bare down to my naked soul I must admit intimacy remains a challenge. Is it because of my nature? Primarily yes. Is it past hurts? Surely this plays some role.  It is an enigma of sorts-I crave to be touched yet sometimes cringe when it occurs. Melancholy often whispers my name and I've long taken up companionship with her. She is familiar, she is safe. Today I make commitments (particularly in recovery) and keep them (so much harder than others can imagine). An entire blog could be written solely on my issues when it comes to making commitments in the future. And it isn't that I don't want to do those things (i.e. Meet with my sponsor, etc). It's a paradox-I want these things and enjoy these things once I am there but am filled with dread in the days leading up to said commitments. I am a work in progress. Raw honestly helps me peel back the layers I have placed around me. I will continue on my journey of self discovery.  Only the truth can set one free.