From the time I was a little girl I was told I was pretty-beautiful even. It was at an early age that I began to place my own value by my looks. I quickly caught on that this is what others noticed. As a result, I was groomed to believe that beauty gets one recognized. This in and of itself led to jealousy and cattiness between girls in my teens. I in turn sought out males for companionship. It was easier-it was less dramatic. But on closer examination this too was manipulative. Surrounded by boys I ensured I was the center of attention...the one to be admired. Fast forward decades and I discover two things-one I have a problem with male friendships and two, my ego demands attention-affirmation I am attractive as it makes me feel valued. This led me to cut off many relationship in my twenties-admire me from afar but do not get too close as you'll soon discover I am not the idol you mistakenly placed upon a pedestal. Better for me to run than to disappoint you. This is shallow I know...bare with me it's been a process to unlearn behaviors I learned years ago. Selfishness and self centeredness are hard to become aware of and even harder to break. To even admit these character defects is hard...I know that value should be placed on kindness, helpfulness, etc and I sincerely feel and try to exemplify these traits. I believe beauty comes from within. To be fair, I've never valued others by their looks. The defect lies within me and is directed at me. I enjoy having male friends today and I no longer need them to desire me (or at the very least compliment me). I have always (and will continue) to not put so called "vibes" out there. I remain very aware of boundaries and would never intentionally lead someone on. I am a work in progress. I know today that what lies within myself is what makes me who I am. I no longer define my value by my appearance.
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