Corners

Today I want to melt into a corner. I want to curl up and blend in with the walls. When I feel hurt I want to crawl into an enclosed space to lick my wounds. I want to withdraw from the world. I don't want to disappear, I simply crave temporary escape. Camouflage me. Today I give myself permission to wallow in it. Unlike Taylor Swift so aptly said "I get drunk on jealousy..." I don't. Rather I want to know-i want to understand. Why doesn't she know about me? What was the intent and motive behind the secrecy? Why weren't my feelings taken into consideration? How will he tell her? What will he say? How will she respond? Why will it be a big deal for her? Will he tell me how it went and what was said? It may not be a big deal to him but how I feel is a big deal to me. And the root of my issues (per my former therapist), is that I have consistently sought out emotionally unavailable men. Yet I've not found him to be anything but. What am I missing? I'm scared for me. I'm scared I am subconsciously playing out the same types of patterns. I googled emotional cheating and here is an excerpt: 

Now some would say "wow emotional cheating? No way!" I didn't really think so either until I read that. I blatantly admit I have trust issues...I was burned badly (incinerated if you will) in my last marriage. I'm not running (real growth on my part). But I've come to realize running would be vastly easier than digging down deep inside me. I have great intuition but struggle with anxiety as well. Admittedly the two sometimes get blurred. I love him and I know he loves me. Is that enough? Parts of me trust him completely but now new parts are blurring my vision. I don't want to question, fix, manage, or control another person. It's a terrible way to live and it accomplishes nothing. But I also don't want to be cut out of various pieces. Though weekends we live separate lives I feel it should still be shared conversationally. He may run. It may be too much obligation. He may say I'm overreacting and to him maybe I am. I don't like to drudge up the past. I would never throw a past situation in another person's face when upset or arguing. It's cruel and unfair to do so. But for me this isn't the past because it's occurring in the present-in the now. I have to be prepared he'll say "fuck it-this is too hard". Truth be told I'd rather staple my mouth shut than say anything at all. But God and AA won't allow me to do that today. I never want to feel as though I'm stealing another person's freedom. But the reality is if they want complete freedom from another individual then that's exactly what should occur. I am powerless over all things. God help me. Please show me your path. I ask for help in releasing the bondage of self regardless of the situation or outcome.  I ask you to ever remind me to let go or be dragged in life. 

Hidden

Hidden:

kept out of sight; concealed.

"hidden dangers"

synonyms:

concealed, secret, undercover, invisible, unseen, out of sight, closeted

Rather than going into a long and winding story, I'll stick with pinpointing my feelings. This is hard for me. I'd prefer to justify, rationalize, or deny than try to identify my feelings. It's personal and often doesn't feel good. It's easier for me to state the feelings I do not have. With that said, I do not feel jealous, insecure, or angry. Instead I feel hurt. I don't want to feel this way. I want it to roll off my back with ease. Lying by omission is something we all do as humans. White lies run rampant and we all partake in it. But yet this feels deeper than that. I feel hidden away. I feel I've been tucked away in order to protect another person's feelings. I understand not wanting to hurt someone. I do. But as a result, I've been hurt in the process. To share your life with another is just that--sharing. I can only ask why someone would put another person's feelings first without considering the feelings of all involved? If a person is friend's with someone and meets regularly then how could I have not been discussed? What is so shameful? Who is this person really protecting? I feel unimportant. I feel baffled. I feel deceived. I feel pain. I feel confusion. 

I could brush it aside and pretend I'm okay but I'm trying not to be that person anymore. I despise any type of "we need to talk...." conversations. So I don't have them. I have no answers. What's done is done. Friends discuss serious relationships, etc with each other (hence the word friendship).  My question is this: if a person omits having a serious romantic relationship with their friend then is the romantic relationship  actually even serious? Hence my confusion. I am not needy. But I will stand up for myself and ask "Am I in the wrong here as well? Maybe we aren't as seriously involved as I assumed. The bottom line is that I'm okay. What I must know is this-are we serious and committed or has the relationship been downgraded to less serious?  Hidden doesn't feel good. And often times once you dig, other hidden things seem to spill out. I need to know where I stand. I need a partner who is proud of me, proud of us and unashamed to share. To conclude....an I way off base with where things are? I can handle it either way. The only thing worse than feeling hidden is just not knowing.

Pain

"She paints her eyes as black as night now.
Pulls those shades down tight.
Yeah, she gives me a smile when the pain comes.
The pain gonna make everything alright..."

"She Talks to Angels"-The Black Crowes 

Pain comes in many forms-physical, emotional, heart ache, grief, addictions, etc. I believe relief is the crux of the problem and many will seek it at any costs. Eating disorders, cutting, drugs and/or alcohol (hand raised), denial, sex, shopping, gambling, suicide, etc. (the list is never ending). AA has helped me deal with a lot of my past pain and gives me a framework for dealing with present pain. I'm no saint. There is some pain I cannot touch. The loss of my son, Matthew, nope can't go there. Won't go there. Maybe someday. Prayer, meditation, helping others, sharing, and attending meetings often helps in most areas of my life. The problem as I see it is a person's inability to walk through it. Shutting it down is the softer (but often times sicker way). I get that, I truly do. I believe a person is only as sick as their secrets. Which compels me to confess. When I recently got my sparrow tattoo to denote my 5 years of freedom from alcohol I enjoyed it. I embraced it. I revelled in it.  What a glorious release-a powerful reminder that enduring pain can be a liberating experience. It was a personal reminder that through pain we can sometimes transform it into something beautiful. Something magical. "Pain is the touch stone of spiritual growth." I've personally found that sharing my pain (via a sponsor, therapist, or loved ones is a spiritual and cleansing experience. Exercise is a release for me in and of its self. For me, writing is theraputic. My written words flow more freely and helps me to relieve the bondage of self. I fall short as we humans often do. I still smoke-a filthy, poisonous addiction. But I am learning. I am growing. Pain presents a painful experience but one which hold a beautiful gift at the end. Walk through it. Suffer. Something truly miraculous awaits at the end.

Intellectual Intercourse

"And all I need now is intellectual intercourse-

A soul to dig the hole much deeper...."

-Alanis Morissette "All I Really Want"

Most anyone can enjoy the pleasure sex brings. Don't mistake me- I love sex as much as the next person (but it's something I truly enjoy if there's a deeper connection). Superficiality does nothing for me at this point in my life. What thrills me to my bones is a deeper connection that goes far beyond the act of sex. Artist Alanis Morissette captures it beautifully in the lyric "All I need now is intellectual intercourse".... a perfectly coined sentence. I crave deep emotional, spiritual, and intellectual connections. Find all three with one person and one's hit the proverbial jackpot. It's rare, it's lovely. "Connect with me" my brain has long screamed yet I chose to ignore it. Mostly I believed it was a fairytale-fun to imagine but never to materialize. Capture me with your intellect. Seduce my soul. Look deep into my eyes and truly stimulate me on all intangible levels. This isn't to downplay physical intimacy which doesn't necessarily equal sex. It's skin to skin contact-it's bedtime sweet pillow talk. These are the types of things that fill me up until my cup literally runneths over. Call it what you may-a kindred spirit, a soul mate, a twin flame but I am hear to state (okay shout) it does exist. Although it may come more easily in the beginning-it's easy to become complacent once the newness has faded. However, reading, sharing, and growing together can only strengthen these types of bonds. It can be cultivated and there are no limits to its growth. Patience and faith will lead one there.

This so called life

"The root of suffering is attachment"

-Buddha 

Life is a journey. An endless opportunity to experience, learn, and grow through life lessons. It's hard, messy, complicated, and exhilarating. With that said, I'm learning more about loving without attachment. This is not to be confused with detachment. It isn't about pulling away or other negative behaviors.  Rather, it's about unconditional love. That is, loving without conditions. This applies to all relationships though most find it harder practicing these principles in romantic relationships. For example, we love our children and our families unconditionally.  We love them where they are at and despite any shortcomings. From my research, I've learned that when people fall in love they want to attach themselves to their object of affection. They create rules and expectations. This can potentially lead to fear and disapointment. To love without attachment means to be fully present-fully authentic. Romantic relationships often don't last. People often project their desires and needs upon the future (i.e. Will there be one? , etc.).  People can still have hopes and dreams but only the present is occuring now. People do not live in the future-only in the presence of each moment. It's accepting and loving others where they're at. It's loving a person for who they are with no expectation in return. It's a beautiful but difficult practice. From my readings I have further learned that we need to only truly love ourselves-that we are whole and enough. That all we truly need is the awareness of the divine that lies within us all. People help us grow and sometimes it's through painful experiences. Regardless it's a lesson and at the end of each lesson is a gift of some kind.  As an individual we need only ourselves (not to be confused with shutting others out).  To be more specific, a person cannot solely depend upon another for their own happiness. No person can ever live up to that kind of expectation. This practice is also not to be confused with being a doormat. Sometimes loving without attachment means letting go when a relationship becomes one sided or unhealthy in some way. But, instead of despising that person, we can instead love them for the good experiences and gifts provided. For example, my last husband cheated on me (for further details refer to posts in 2016). Looking back now-wow what a blessing-a whole new road opened up before me. When relationships end we often think we'll never be happy again. How untrue this is! The ending of any relationship again opens up a new road-a new adventure. It's having faith that something wonderful will unfold.  And it always will.