Disturbia

"It's a thief in the night
To come and grab you
It can creep up inside you
And consume you
A disease of the mind
It can control you
It's too close for comfort"

-Rihanna "Disturbia"

For six weeks I unknowingly lived in a mind filled with disturbia. In hindsight the subtly is clear, but it's nearly impossible to recognize it's gripping tentacles at the onset. Mental illness is unfortunately taboo to this day. I am one of the lucky ones as medication removes the insidious monsters. Oh, but first there is destruction which affects not only one's self but loved ones as well. Only when it recedes do the clouds lift-but there is wreckage which must be addressed. If one is lucky there are people in their lives who understand, empathize, and forgive. Again I am fortunate. One whom I love dearly came to support me when I needed him most despite my destructiveness during those long endless weeks. This is a message of hope. No one (and I scream no one) has to live that way permanently. There is help if one is brave enough to seek it out. I implore others suffering to reach out. For the first time in weeks I feel "normal". Dear God what a blessing. Dear family, friends, and loved ones please reach out with love and kindness when you see a person you love behaving out of character. In my case it is the first red flag. Impulsivity and extreme mood swings soon follow. Although I do not have a diagnosis of Bipolar disease, I do have a mood disorder likely exacerbated by hormones which change in women as they age. Dual diagnosis nearly always goes hand in hand with alcoholism and addiction. We initially try to self medicate which then turns on us at a certain point. I hope I have repaired the damage I created during those haunting weeks. I hope I never have to live in the hellishness again. Fortunately my awareness has greatly improved but I admit I am unable to recognize it at first. But there is hope. There is always hope. Thank you God for placing people in my life who understand and are forgiving. Thank you God for lifting the clouds when my sweet Alley was dying. It is grace and God who will save us if only we ask for his  help.