I Am

During the last two months I became lost. It was subtle and snuck in quietly into my life. I became mentally ill (it happens once a year and generally takes me several weeks before I recognize it (unfortunately it used to take me years for me to realize it). It frightens me. It's as if invisible monsters wreak havoc into my life. I become a tornado and rip up everything around me. I am temporarily destructive without first realizing it. As a result I have severely damaged (if not completely destroyed my relationship with my (former?) boyfriend. I acted completely out of character. I hurt and miss him deeply. I complicated both my life and his. When I am healthy I am the real me- serene, simple, centered, and peaceful. As a result I may have lost our relationship forever. I blame my illness. I didn't realize or know how to communicate this to him and others. It is difficult for people to understand these insidious monsters that visit each year. I am trying to not feel ashamed by something I have no control of one month out of each year. When living with others they were able to point it out. Today I realize I must immediately visit my psychiatrist (as it's usually related to a medication adjustment). To further complicate matters I've experienced great losses (the timing couldn't be worse). I was then violated and betrayed by a person I loved dearly. This is not the poor me's. Rather it's life. It just happens. Even my routine changing during this time period (figuring out my son's ever changing work schedule and needs for transportation further complicated things and temporarily threw me off balance).  To summarize it's been a challenging few weeks that have brought me literally to my knees. Crying, surrendering to my higher power. I have cut out toxic people (i.e my ex husband, etc). I am setting appropriate boundaries. Thank you God for helping me awaken at this time. I am actively seeking help from family and loved ones. My prayer life has grown exponentially. I am growing. There are always great gifts that arise out of great pain. I am learning to ask for help (something that has always been so challenging).  I am making progress-I have reached out to my sponsor to begin meeting  weekly. I see my psychiatrist this week. I continuously hit my knees throughout the day praying. When I did my fifth step again it released a lot of emotions- I cried for days. But then came the healing of letting go. Today I am grateful. I am returning to my normal self. It's a process not magic. I sincerely apologize to those who were touched by the monsters. Today I Am me. Thank you God for jerking me out of the monsterous hell. Thank you for the me I Am today.