Inhale

And she inhaled deeply for the first time. Her power returning again pumping through her veins. It is exhilarating, seductive, hedonistic. It is a return to self-it's the prodigal child come home. And she remembers and wonders why she separated herself from such exquisiteness. She is quite magnificent that one.  She has reawakened. At last.

Game of Thrones

And oh what a game it is.

Pained

I write better and more frequently when in pain. Why is it that words flow so freely during these moments? Why are artists, painters, writers, etc more inspired by pain than beauty? I have no answer and do not pretend to. I simply know that without a creative outlet I would suffocate-I would choke on my unexpressed thoughts and feelings.  I am grateful for the gift of words and more specifically for the ability to express them. Is this a diary? I don't know-few know how to access it. It contains a vast amount of personal expression. What I do know is that writing is therapeutic for me. Dear God, what would I do without it? My writings date back to 2008 and though I've been tempted to edit (if not entirely erase) some of its contents over the years I do not. They are snapshots of my life and life cannot be edited. Perhaps my great grandchildren and descendants will one day know me better because of it. I find comfort in this belief no matter the contents. I am and have always been an open book.

You Learn

"You live you learn, you love you learn,
You cry you learn, you lose you learn,
You bleed you learn, you scream you learn"

-Alanis Morrisette

When I find myself sad or grieving I must remind myself that life is a lesson not a destination. I am trying to focus on the shattered illusion which by the very definition means false. I am reminded of my ex husband-my last divorce and betrayal. After all how can one grieve for something and/or someone that was never real? It's not theoretically possible. You cannot yearn for a person that never existed to begin with. You can't miss something that was fabricated. I feel manipulated and used because to be honest that's exactly what it was. I want badly for it to be untrue but it isn't. Maybe I am simply grieving over the loss of a dream. The thing is, I was authentic. I find a sliver of comfort in knowing he will never find what he had with me both in and out of the bedroom (yeah good luck with that).  I am a strong woman and need a strong man. He simply wasn't. The end. Bravo.

Indesicion

Indescision can be a decision unto itself. The fact is he was never all in because he wouldn't (or couldn't) be. A man who wants a woman to be his isn't conflicted or indecisive. He sits and throws his arms around the woman he loves. The woman he'd do anything to be with. I'll never regret loving him. I'm okay with knowing perhaps he didn't love me. If he had truly been in love he'd be here now. There will be another man some day who will be all in-one who will erase your name from my skin. One who will not be indecisive or break my heart. I cannot imagine this man yet for I still feel your presence. But he will come and both of us will be all in.

The Great Pretender

He was good...sly that one. Manipulative, selfish, and self-serving. Sick. Oh so sick. A golden illusionist. Hit hard. Standing up on shaky legs. Hurt, stripped, sobbing. Realizing all of it was a mere mirage. The glass shatters. The illusion dissipates. I am set free.

Stabbed

I am bewildered. He betrayed me and tried to slay me. I feel sorry for him. "When they go low, we go high". I can only assume he turned tail to save his own ass-to blame his own bitter words on me. I believe in karma-I really do. I don't have to do anything other than let go. The universe has got this. It always does.  #vindication

Attention Whore

I admit it-I am an attention junkie. This does not infer I demand constant admiration or anything of the sort. People have full and happy lives (I consider myself to be one of them). I think my main issue with most men is their lack of follow through. The initial effort is sometimes there (where did all of the successful achievers disappear to?) Primarily I think it's laziness-a new generation of individuals who put in minimum effort expecting something for little or nothing. Come on men-get your shit together or do not try to engage me. Confidence and success are sexy. I love the thrill of the chase then (once you've caught my attention) bring it on home.

Sitting still

I am relearning the art of being still. To sit quietly and comfortably in my own skin. To know that I am okay. I am enough. At present I am laying down with my cat and listening to the thunder clouds roll in. It is heaven.  I may still be sad but I am also at peace. New opportunities are unfolding. I am excited yet content in this moment.  I don't know what the future holds but I trust in a power greater than myself to lead me there. I am seeing things with new eyes. Situations and relationships are not what they seemed to be. It's okay-I have learned great lessons and perhaps that was the point all along. To learn and grow-to continue on my spiritual journey.  I am healing gaping wounds I thought would never heal. I am so lucky and blessed today. My family is so strong and wonderful. We lift each other up. When one rises we are all lifted up. Thank you God for helping me to remember.

He loves me, he loves me not

Surely we all remember the childhood game of pulling out each flower petal and repeating he loves me, he loves me not until reaching the last petal. Oh how we longed for the last remaining petal to say he loved us. If only love were that simplistic. It's not. I still miss him. Does he miss me? I couldn't say. I still love him but can't say whether I'm still in love with him. I don't know. 

Insomnia

Insomnia:  an inability to sleep

Need I say more.

The Cat's Meow

Grief: to mourn; to be sorrowful

I found out today that my sweet, furry, chunky "Baby" died. She had cancer and was subsequently put to sleep. To say I am grieving is an understatement. The loss of three cats (and dear Alley in particular) in 5 months is overwhelming. Initially, I cried for her. She was so very cuddly and sweet. After the end of my marriage she was my bed buddy-a warm little body cozied up next to mine. I am not sure what gift or life lesson there is to to be learned by experiencing so much pain and loss in such a small time frame. I am okay. I work hard to keep peace and centerdness in my life today (albeit it's been a rough couple months). I feel honored to have known Baby and to have played a small role in rescuing her. She rescued me too. A lot of tears were shed while she sat comforting me. I'll never forget that huge gift she gave to me.  I wish I'd been there...one last purr and to say goodbye. I will heal from this. I am sitting with the pain....remembering to lean in rather than out. Perhaps that's God's plan-maintain peace while walking through grief. Thank you God for the honor of meeting such a sweet soul. My dearest please say hello to Alley and Max for me. I miss you all.

Hole World To See

Void (noun): A completely empty space.

I stood before myself-stripped naked baring my soul for all to see. It was terrifying as I once felt a hole so large I thought I'd fall into it. A hole that I now realize was merely an illusion. I am slowly learning that "I am that which I am seeking." It is a relief. As I sit alone in my new favorite coffee shop (in Lexington of all places) I am at ease. I am at peace. Peace of mind is priceless. I am rarely lonely-if anything I am a loner to a fault. I feel centered today and for that I am grateful. Thank you God for some of the interesting people I've met recently-my now dear Friend from India who has lived all over the world. He is so enthusiastic for life it's contagious. We are purely platonic friends but he has shown me cultural differences and meditation techniques. I am learning the world is so much larger than I imagined. I want to travel the world and will one day do so. I've crept out of my comfort zone no longer being a homebody. It is liberating. I discovered "...as we live our lives in chains we never even know we have the keys"....Today I am blessed. I am grateful. I no longer feel a void or hole that needs to be filled. Today I am whole.

*qoutes: Richard Rohr; The Eagles

Miss Him Much

Oh how I miss him...his face, his voice, his touch his scent. My soul is grieving...filled with longing. It hurts-thus, I know truly understand the very real meaning of heart break. My heart has crashed into a million pieces. It can be pieced back together, however, I do not know how long it will take. I weep as I write these words. I try to stay busy-attending extra meetings and doing service work-anything to speed up time. I stare at the closet where his clothes once hung. I have become shameless-texting and reaching out when I shouldn't. I have never been this weak person. I am accustomed to being strong-walking away...no contact and a clean break. Alas, I have walked into unknown territory. I long for his response though it rarely comes. Should I continue sending him my blogs? I don't know-he initially said yes.  My lead is next Monday...I am incredibly nervous about it. I want him there for support but suspect he will not come. Oh how I miss him. God please remove this or show me the gift in that which has occurred.

Siphon

Siphon: to slowly remove or lose

Looking back I did exactly what my former therapist warned me to avoid-I slowly let pieces of myself  go simply to placate my former partner. This is not his fault. Rather, I compromised and just went along. In the end I can now see it as a past resentment on my end. He made all the decisions-when to visit and when to leave, what to do and when to do it. I gave away all of my power and that's likely part of why it ended. Don't get me wrong-I wasn't faking or pretending to be someone I'm not. I simply did not want to make things "complicated" knowing he'd flee if I did. And that's what happened during the two months of a pure personal hell for me. It's not that I wasn't enough for him-rather, I was too much. That's ok. That's where he's at in his life right now. I accept that. I think the relationship was healthy over all. We did the best we could at any given moment. I miss him but respect and honor his decision to walk away. I sincerely hope he misses me too-that I meant something important to him. I hope down the road he continues to feel he made the right decision in the end. I wish him great happiness and grieve it will be a life without me in it. But the truth is if he wanted to be with me he would. And he isn't.

Finite

This time it's goodbye. To be completely transparent, it's been the long goodbye for some time now. For him it became too complicated-too messy. I get it. I was the reckless tornado for two months. I thought our love was enough-that it would persevere. It did not. I accept it. I'm okay with it. The relationship taught me many things and revealed many gifts-from healthy relationships to a final healthy adult ending.  The heart of the matter is that if he wanted to be with me he would be. And he's not. That's it. That's the bottom line.