Pain

"Pain demands to be shown."

When we experience emotional pain it screams out to be heard. Many often try to ignore their pain and as a result may resort to things such as cutting, eating disorders, etc. The bottom line is that pain will seep out in an effort to be felt. I ignored this pain for a very long time. In August of last year my world was violently ripped apart. My marriage ended after I discovered my ex husband's ongoing infedelity. I was devastated and shut down emotionally and operated on full survivor mode. I lived in hatred and that is no way to live. I used my hurt but never processed it-never worked through it. As a result, I never grieved nor healed. So here I find myself over a year later processing the pain and loss for the first time. It's hard and it's painful. I miss the stability and structure of what I thought my marriage was. In so many ways I am grateful to be single but it does not negate the fact I am still in pain. I am still hurting. It's okay-it won't last forever. I must also work through my 10 month relationship break up from earlier this year as well as the loss of my sweet Alley cat. And to dig even deeper, work through the two years that I didn't attend AA and was essentially a dry drunk. It's a lot but it's necessary. My higher power is carrying me through this. God's got it. I simply need to allow myself to feel again.

Beginnings and Endings

On September 8th I voluntarily checked myself into an inpatient detox facility. To be completely transparent, I had over five years of sobriety before going "back out" for a month. It was nothing short of horrific. In hindsight, my relapse journey came about months before I picked up that first drink. Emotionally, mentally, and spiritually I was tailspinning into a vast abyss.  Something (note: my mind) broke around April of this year. An audible snap. There are many contributing factors and I admit I do not know all of them. In the end, it was accessibility that provided an opportunity to take that first sip. Entering into a toxic (and insane) relationship led to having alcohol in my house for the first time in six years. That is not an excuse-rather, it is proof that no alcoholic (or at least this alcoholic) can be around alcohol 24/7 and not eventually pick up themselves. I will write more about my relapse in coming blogs but choose to first speak about my journey to recovery.  I have a new sponsor, I am going to meetings daily, and I am in an intensive outpatient program. I am learning and discovering many new things about myself. It is a continuous and ongoing process. "Just for today" I am sober and I am truly blessed beyond all measures.