Unbroken

As I confided my recent hurts he welcomed me with open arms. As I confessed my sadness he kissed it all away. Though I felt lost, he provided me with comfort running his fingers through my hair. Though my trust had been shaken, he reassured me of my worth. Though I felt the need to retreat, he pulled me back with laughter. Though I sometimes feel trapped and panicked, he patiently talks me down from the ledge. Though I often act out, he does not try to control me. No matter what the future holds I am forever grateful to have met my male twin. Thank you babe for holding my hand.

Betrayal

Dear God, I am so thankful it is not me this time. My heart aches for her. I know all too well the shock, grief, and devastation of discovering infidelity. I remember the unimaginable horrors and shattered heart. God please comfort her. I would never have participated in anything had I known. It is too cruel and too damaging. I can easily recall the bewilderment and brokenness cheating entails. To have hopes and dreams instantly destroyed is inexplicable. I now call into question what our own past relationship really looked like. I am not angry or hurt. I am saddened to realize it too was likely a mirage. This is an important lesson. I must protect my heart and learn to identify those who are faithful from those who are not. God, please continue to guide me through this journey called life.

Jam of the Day

JOTD: "Praying" by Kesha

https://youtu.be/tLR3Gqz5PEs

Hypnotic

Once you have truly known me you will soon find it is nearly impossible to forget me. Though I will have long moved on you will continue to be haunted by my skin, my face, my eyes. You will find yourself tormented by what you let slip away. I will not seek you out yet you will soon discover you cannot escape your memories of me. Your ceaseless yearning for what was. A hypnotic spell has been cast which you cannot shake. You will long for the days in which I was yours. You will curse yourself for letting me slip through your trembling hands. You will lie awake at night remembering the life we once shared. You will ache for my touch. You will miss the sound of my laughter and the manner in which I carry myself. You will miss my poise and my confidence. You will agonize that you cannot find another who can truly replace me. Though some may temporarily mesmerize you, none completely eradicate me long term. You will seek out others charm, wit, beauty, and sensuality yet it will always fall short of my own. Your infatuation will linger long after I am gone. You will be left wondering how you voluntarily set this beautiful creature free. For you see, they always come back. Always. 

Enough

Is it enough I ask myself...Is his kindness and considerate behavior enough? Is his affection and playfulness enough? Are his good manners and adoration enough? Is his self assurance and confidence enough? Is his delightful companionship enough? Are his kept promises and dependability enough? Is his attentiveness and protection enough? To be honest, the simple answer is yes. However, there is an opposing side that begs attention. Is a limited spiritual connection enough? Is his inability to fully commit enough? Is being nonalcoholic and therefore unaware of AA enough? Is his struggle with sexual intimacy enough? Is his complete lack of long term relationships in his life enough?  The plain and simple answer is no. In fact, many are non-negotiable deal breakers for a long term relationship. With that being said, I am continuously torn between waiting to see what develops (though my cursed impatience and fear run rampant) or instead part as friends now and avoid any messiness down the road? I do not know and uncertainty is not a place I enjoy living in. Can I be free and simply enjoy the present moment or will my demand to know the future win out (resulting in fleeing)? Alas, I do not know. I whole heartedly believe there is someone somewhere who encompasses all things important to me. I am in unfamiliar territory which makes me feel uncomfortable. I have very limited experience in simply dating casually. I do know I will not settle for less than I deserve. I have lived there before and I am not going back again.  

Chantix Take 1001

Dear chantix,

We meet again old friend. I surrender to you. I am done and I am ready. I am over the costs of smoking-from monetary to health factors. I no longer choose the slow suicide cigarettes promise. It is going to be hard-it always has been. I no longer wish to seek out my silent companion that is destroying my body. I know what the next two weeks will entail. Headaches, irritability, grief, and agitation. But I also know how much better I will soon feel. I no longer want to be a slave to the false god known as nicotine. I am choosing life. I am choosing me. We are allies in this battle. Thank you in advance for your help. I am going to need it.

With sincere gratitude,

Shanna

Do's and Don'ts

I do not understand your silences.

I do not understand your indecisiveness.

I do not understand your continuos cycles of hot and cold.

I do not understand your unreliability.

I do not understand your inconsistency.

I do not understand your inability to fight for what you want.

I do not understand the enigma that is you.

I do not understand.

I do understand that I deserve better and I deserve more.

I do understand my value and my worth.

I do understand I will not wait for you.

I do understand I have moved on.

I do understand there are others who love me unconditionally.

I do understand that love is not fickle-it either exist or it does not.

I do understand there are others who will give me their all despite fears of the unknown.

I do understand the curtain has fallen.

Turns out I understood all along.

(Backup) To Santa with Love

The Year of Loss

I strive to live in the present moment. To be fully present requires great effort and discipline. I often fall short. I am trying to avoid living in the future (which in my experience only results in anxiety). With that said, I am looking forward to closing the book on 2017. It has been one of the most difficult years of my life (2011 hands down wins the cake). It has been a year of loss-from a break up to my relapse. I have dealt with 4 pets being euthanized. Moving and changes in work duties only compounded the many challenges. I am not pitying myself. Rather, I am learning it is okay to suffer-it is part of the human condition. This year has been mentally and emotionally exhausting. And yet, I seek out the silver lining. Pain truly is the touch stone of spiritual growth. After all of the trials and tribulations, I have discovered a stronger connection to my authentic self. I am more independent, healthy, and spiritually fit than I have ever been. This is the true miracle. It took great pain to get there. I embrace this past year as without it my life would not be what it is today. Alas, I am no saint. I still eagerly welcome a new year with new beginnings.  2018 here I come.

Passion

Recently I have started watching (okay binging) on the series "New Girl". Three seasons in and two of the main characters have (finally) become romantically involved with each other. I know it's fiction yet I (oh so) recognize the familiar dynamics. The whirlwind, the breathless excitement, the raw passion. I miss those lovely things. I remember relationships which were comprised of these same behaviors and feelings. I want to experience those things again. The tender throes of passion from the sweet love making to the lustful fucking. I want it all. My body yearns to be touched in that manner again. I crave physical touch-which is so much sweeter when emotional intimacy is involved (no random sex please). I miss riding the tides of passion-when two people literally cannot resist the temptation to intertwine themselves in all ways. I do not think it's a sign of weakness to admit I, too, want to be shamelessly loved again in every way. Rather, I think it takes true courage to allow one's self to be vulnerable...to say fuck it-I am all in. 

Ravage

I refuse to settle. I am tired of attracting emotionally unavaible men. It is not enough. If it is not enough in the beginning then it cannot possibly be enough later on. I bathe in the sunlight of adoration. I like being called "princess". I enjoy the laughter and easy camaraderie. I enjoy the false sense of belonging. But (and there is always a but), it is not enough. Through full disclosure (which I appreciate) I have discovered why this person has never been married or in a long term relationship. The short and easy answer is sexual desire and intimacy. Specifically he loses the desire for sex once emotional intimacy develops. While I admit I am mildly disgusted it is probably more prevalent than I imagined. I know it is not me or any type of shortcoming on my part. In the past I would have assumed there was something wrong with me-that I was not enough. Thank you God I do not feel that way today. Still, it begs the question-what is the point in continuing down a path which leads no where? I would feel I am using this person for false companionship until the right person comes along. This feels selfish and makes me feel uneasy. But what if both people are okay with the situation? What disturbs me most is this person's confession that we likely won't be close friends if either of us begins dating someone. That sucks. I feel as though I have walked into a paradoxical world. I am standing torn in a world of I can only be your friend if you are not seeing anyone but oh by the way we will never become more (my words not his). I mean what? I do not want more but I think this is stupid reasoning. I cherish the friendship yet know the friendship will ultimately not survive. I am going to lose my friend-my male twin. I do not understand why it must be so black and white. I feel we should be friends only and see whomever we want. I cannot and will not voluntarily subject myself to a union which has no sexual component. Dear God no. Just no. I could not live in that reality-sex is far too important to discard.  I am not sad-I am not wishing it was more. I just feel resentful that I am going to eventually be forced to end our friendship. And it will be sooner rather than later. Nonetheless I choose authenticity-I choose me. 

Gratitude

In honor of the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday I have complied a list of things I am grateful for:

1. My sobriety.

2. My friends and family.

3. Physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health and well-being.

4. Having more than enough money to pay my bills.

5. New beginnings and second chances.

6. My sponsor.

7. My job.

8. Peace of mind.

9. Forgiveness.

10. Animals.

11. My education.

12. Service work.

13. Fellowship.

14. New opportunities. 

15. Healing and wholeness.

16. Affection.

17. Joy.

18. Freedom from fear and anxiety.

19. My relapse-I would not be who I am today without it.

20. My therapist.

21. Writing.

22. World peace.

23. Life.

Letting Go

Letting go is always hard. I have a tendency to hold onto people, places, and things with an iron grip. Although God has demonstrated time after time that my life is infinitely better when I step aside, it is still sometimes frightening to submit. By nature I am selfish and self centered. I easily fall under the illusion that I am not enough. This particularly holds true with regards to men. I repeat the pattern in seeking external factors to obtain the illusion of fulfillment. It is not realistic and it does not work. There has recently been men in my life who (for whatever reason) have been unable to be all in. That is okay. I do not see it as a personal shortcoming on my part. Today I know myself well enough to not settle for anything less than I deserve. Scraps of attention are no longer enough for this girl. I am not actively searching. I know that when the time is right the chance encounter will unfold itself. I need do nothing for God's timing is always perfect.

This

20/20

"Sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together". -Marilyn Monroe

Hindsight is 20/20. I have found this to be profoundly true with regards to relationships. Sometimes we look back and see true loveliness; other times we see the nightmarish aspects we were blinded to. More often than not we recognize the relationship needed to end. But oh, other times it takes losing all to realize we actually belong together. Let's be clear-this is a rare phenomenon. We are conditioned to only present our best selves. It is only with a break up are we able to clearly see all attributes-both negative and positive. I find that how a relationship ends is the best indicator if two people should reconcile. If we are kind, loving, and gracious then it perhaps points to a deeper kind of love which existed all along. We often operate on fear-we give up too easily. It takes tremendous courage to weather the good times and the hard times. It is not easy-it isn't supposed to be. In a world which glorifies instant gratification we can too easily walk away when hard work is required. Today I feel whole. I feel complete. I no longer carry a void which demands unrealistic fulfillment by others. Today I am capable of being in a healthy relationship should the gifted opportunity present itself. I am grateful for the darkened storms. Without them I could not appreciate the sunlight of today.

Things that make me Happy

1. Prayer. It's the first and last thing I do each day. Prayer creates a purpose and brings inner peace. It's priceless.

2. Animals. Giant or lap size animals bring me great joy. Embrace them. Their unbridled enthusiasm is catching.

3. Falling in love. Who doesn't thrill to their toes when magic begins to unfold? When it happens we see the world through rose colored glasses.

4. Thunderstorms.  It is nature unleashed and uninhibited. 

5. Laughter. It's contagious.

6. Reading. I love books deeply. They have the incredible ability to instantaneously rocket us to various travels and dimensions.

7. Making love.

8. Bodies of water. Be it a lake, ocean or bubble bath I feel centered and connected to things outside myself.

9. Helping others. Nothing helps me to step outside of myself as much as helping another person in need.

10. Sobriety. There is nothing I value more.

11. Family. They are my roots.

12. Friends.

13. Good bedding (pillows, comforter, etc). There's a lot to be said for a good night's sleep.

14. Exercise. I need always remind myself how much better I feel afterwards.

15. Seasons and holidays. Each is special in and of itself.

X's & O's

Can exes be friends? I think the answer depends on the ex and the circumstances. With a specific ex in mind I'd like to think it's possible. I adore his company. He is such a joy to be around. There's a lot to be said when two people connect on a multitude of levels. Let's be honest and admit that great conversations are hard to come by especially in this day and age of technology. I crave conversations which engage and challenge me. I welcome conversations which demand my attention and challenges the way I observe and process my feelings and beliefs. If two people genuinely enjoy each other's company then where lies the harm in that? If approached with honesty and transparency I think many friendships can transcend over time regardless of previous relationship status. It entails respect and the ability to step back if the friendship threatens harm to others. Case in point-I imagine many women may feel threatened by a new partner's friendship with an ex. Personally it's a non issue for me so long as I am presented with the facts up front.  Just because a romantic relationship didn't work out doesn't mean that a friendship can't thrive in its place.  I realize this isn't always possible (nor would I want a lasting friendship with most of my exes).  But there is one I would like to have a healthy friendship with. I hope he feels the same.