Ravage

I refuse to settle. I am tired of attracting emotionally unavaible men. It is not enough. If it is not enough in the beginning then it cannot possibly be enough later on. I bathe in the sunlight of adoration. I like being called "princess". I enjoy the laughter and easy camaraderie. I enjoy the false sense of belonging. But (and there is always a but), it is not enough. Through full disclosure (which I appreciate) I have discovered why this person has never been married or in a long term relationship. The short and easy answer is sexual desire and intimacy. Specifically he loses the desire for sex once emotional intimacy develops. While I admit I am mildly disgusted it is probably more prevalent than I imagined. I know it is not me or any type of shortcoming on my part. In the past I would have assumed there was something wrong with me-that I was not enough. Thank you God I do not feel that way today. Still, it begs the question-what is the point in continuing down a path which leads no where? I would feel I am using this person for false companionship until the right person comes along. This feels selfish and makes me feel uneasy. But what if both people are okay with the situation? What disturbs me most is this person's confession that we likely won't be close friends if either of us begins dating someone. That sucks. I feel as though I have walked into a paradoxical world. I am standing torn in a world of I can only be your friend if you are not seeing anyone but oh by the way we will never become more (my words not his). I mean what? I do not want more but I think this is stupid reasoning. I cherish the friendship yet know the friendship will ultimately not survive. I am going to lose my friend-my male twin. I do not understand why it must be so black and white. I feel we should be friends only and see whomever we want. I cannot and will not voluntarily subject myself to a union which has no sexual component. Dear God no. Just no. I could not live in that reality-sex is far too important to discard.  I am not sad-I am not wishing it was more. I just feel resentful that I am going to eventually be forced to end our friendship. And it will be sooner rather than later. Nonetheless I choose authenticity-I choose me.