Acceptance

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems.

I repeat this mantra daily (at times, hourly). I am working hard to accept what is. Trying to control people, places, and thing is futile. The moment I try I begin paddling against a strong current. It is exhausting. I am trying to perfect the art of accepting people where they are at and not where I want them to be. I am striving to show compassion to those who behave in sick ways. It is not personal-the issue lies within them and has nothing to do with me personally. The world does not revolve around me. 

#serenityprayer

Santa Baby...

The Ledge

I can promise you that you will have to talk me down from the ledge. Repeatedly. It is a guarantee. I have a tendency to flee when I feel emotionally vulnerable. I call it self-preservation. I will try to escape the moment my walls start to crack. It is my (albeit unhealthy) knee jerk reaction. Thus far you have succeeded in coaxing me back down. Sometime in the future you will have to do it again. My trust is a tentative thing. I do not share it easily. I will search for all of the reasons we should not be together while minimizing the reasons we should. I easily feel exposed. It is a result of past trauma. At times it has served its purpose. But a life preserver can quickly turn into a self suffocating device. It can lead to drowning when simply standing up could deliver me safely to shore. I will do my best to let you in despite the risks. I know your history. I am not blind. But I also recognize the possibilities despite the shortcomings we possess. Life is a journey not a destination.

Sweet Home Alabama

Dear Alabama,

Thank you. You inspired a deeply red state to elect a Democrat for the first time in nearly 25 years. You have given us hope amongst a country which has been fueled by rampant racism, bigotry, discrimination, sexism, and blatant sexual harassment and assault. You have lit a torch for all to see. You have sent a deep and clear message that there are some things we simply cannot ignore. For the first time in a long time I have hope again. You have restored my faith in humanity. You have demonstrated that we as a nation can accomplish peace and justice. We can and we will rise. My heartfelt gratitude is over flowing. Thank you for lighting the match. May you be the first of many.

Happy 18th

Happy, happy birthday doll! Welcome to adulthood.

Sister Soul

I have often struggled with female relationships. Even as a teen I gravitated towards male friendships. It was easier and less complicated. What I am continuing to learn is that there is something truly precious about sisterhood. We lift each other up. We inspire each other. We have a shared identification. There are so many women in my life today who are showing me how strong female bonds can be. I am truly grateful. Thank you ladies for loving me back to life. 

Making memories

As I reflect back on the holiday season last year versus this year, I cannot help but notice the many changes which have transpired. Over all, the changes have been positive. It isn't so much that one is superior to the other-rather, it's the stark differences between the two. Last Christmas I lived in a different house and experienced holidays post divorce for the first time in many years. At that time, I was dating someone new-a man I was very much in love with at that time. Attending my sister's Christmas concert this year I find myself with a new man entirely. Holiday parties this year will be in his company. I am amazed at how much has changed in a mere year. Although I do not mean to project into the future, I cannot help but wonder who I might be with this time next year.  The concept would have terrified me last year. During that time I desperately sought out stability and a (false) sense of security. This year I feel only peace and acceptance. God has demonstrated time and again how much better my life is when I let go and let God. I need only walk with Him. 

Miss Jackson if you're nasty...

Excite Me

"'Cause I may be bad but I'm perfectly good at it

Sex in the air, I don't care, I love the smell of it
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But chains and whips excite me..."

-Rihanna 

(Disclaimer: naturally whatever occurs in the bedroom should first be mutually agreed upon-I am not advocating for abuse of any kind). With that being said, I miss the kind of sex that drips with raw animal magnetism.  I sometimes (okay often) crave playful roughness in the bedroom. I find it incredibly hot and sexy. Pull my hair and have your way with me. Fuck me into oblivion. Mark me with your words and your hands. Pin down my arms...tease me. Make me whimper and beg for more. Punish my body until I drown in pleasure. Pull me into a world of lust laced with pain. Relentlessly pound into me. Show me what you like. Let me inside  your world then crash into mine. Bring me to my knees. 

#Criteria

Sometimes the universe needs a little help-a small nudge to deliver. As a result, I have comprised a (growing) list of criteria requirements:

1. Must be faithful. Fidelity is non-negotiable.

2. Must be compassionate and kind.

3. Must love (or at least like) animals. There is something pathologically wrong with those who don't.

4. Must be affectionate and playful.

5. Must be passionate-be it politics, opinions, sex, etc.-all of it is important.

6. Must be intelligent and educated. Bonus if he wears eye glasses for reading.

7. Must want exclusivity (he would not be able to fathom sharing me).

8. Must be respectful towards me, my son, and others in general.

9. Must love to laugh. Humor is incredibly sexy.

10. Must love sex (with only me of course).

11. Must be financially secure.

12. Must be sober (if alcoholic) or drink minimally (if non-alcoholic). No recreational drug use.

13. Must be confident and secure with himself. 

14. Must be emotionally available and mature. 

15. Must communicate well.

16. Must be open minded and tolerant towards others, spirituality, new ideas, etc.

17. Must adore (not worship) me.

18. Must have a good relationship with his family.

19. Must be hardworking (i.e. does not leave when the going gets tough).

20. Must be honest.

21. Must have good manners. 

22. Must have principles and a code of honor.

23. Preferably does not have or want to have children of his own. Adult independent children are okay.

24. Must have goals and dreams.

25. Must be assertive.

26. Must be thoughtful and considerate. 

27. Must be insightful and knows his own mind.

28. Must be loyal and honorable.

29. Must be health conscious (preferably a non-smoker. Trust me, I know and I'm working hard to quit).

30. Must be employed. Bonus if he loves his job.

31. Must be protective.

32. Must be dependable and reliable.

Optimism

There are no such things as fairy tales. Sorry to burst your bubble Disney, but that is not how life works. It is not supposed to-it is not realistic. With that said, I am not wearing shades of pessimism. Despite a year littered by betrayals and hurt, I still believe in love. I still believe in the possibility of forever. I have witnessed couples who are genuinely in love with each other. It inspires me. It is further proof this type of love can and does exist. The difference is that today (thank you God) I do not feel the desperation or obsession to find it. I know that when the time is right it will find me. I am excited to discover and experience the future as it unfolds.