May

I am astonished I have not written since December. Chalk it up to sheer business. While I love my second job as a therapist, working 50 hours a week is taxing. Nearly four months in and I am still adjusting. A lot has changed. By the grace of God, I recently picked up my 8 month chip. What a blessing. In addition, I finally got over the narccistic man I dated through December. Such painful but important lessons learned. I have dated a couple of men but I have not been all in. For the first time (thanks to my sponsor and a lot of AA homework) I finally feel whole. It is only a beginning but it continues to feel alien. I am not jaded or necessarily disillusioned. Rather, I would prefer to remain single than to settle or make concessions. I am enough. I have known this on an intellectual level but finally I am beginning to feel it. It is no longer something I have to force or fight. Today I am grateful. I feel blessed. I feel centered and balanced. I confess I need to practice better self care (I am entirely too thin). It is a work in progress. I am so thankful for my group of girlfriends (especially my best girlfriend, Stevie. She is truly my twin soul). Naturally I fall short at times. I accept I am a flawed human being. I continue to work on one of my biggest and deeply rooted character defects-dishonesty (which usually manifest itself as lies of omission). It is only by working the steps that I could even begin to see how much dishonesty littered my life. I had no awareness. I had no idea that I had so many issues never addressed during my first taste of sobriety. It has only been through working the 10th and 11th steps for the first time that I am gaining that awareness. This program is so much more than not drinking. I truly had no idea. I cannot believe I have been given a spiritual program for living. It is a true miracle. And as I sit here listening to my son play his music I understand it is the smallest of things which will always matter most.