Blink 365

July 4th marks a milestone. This time last year my life officially feel apart. I would go on to free fall into oblivion before drinking mid August then getting sober at the beginning of September. I am still working through the residual trauma which entailed a devastating breakup, a betrayal by a person I considered a grandfather, and the passing of my beloved pet. They were nails in my proverbial coffin. Hitting bottom hurts. It is an excruciating and agonizing experience. Even so, I would not go back and undo it. The gift of desperation has become my greatest blessing. I am deeply sorry for any hurt or harm I inflicted  upon others during my rollercoaster straight to hell. With that being said, I would not have the beautiful life I have today without it. My greatest pain led to a life of sobriety so precious I cannot to this day express without tears of gratitude. I survived. And I am left awestruck by how quickly the last 365 days have passed. Never could I have imagined how drastically my life would change. What a truly humbling miracle. I have never worked so hard in my life to unravel the years of destructive patterns of behavior-to address the true root of the emotional pain I have carried with me for years. I cannot help but ponder what my life might look like in another 365 days. I can only continue to surrender and trust the process. It works. Thank you God for the pain, the messiness, and for my personal growth. It was beyond doubt, worth it.

“These  mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.” -Najwa Zebian 

Endings

“Delete my existence.”

-unknown

I have been there. I have been that person in such excruciating emotional pain I yearned for anything that might end it. Me too a hundred times over. When one is battling invisible demons, one is often incapable of seeing beauty in anything. It is a inky black pool of hopelessness. No shred of light can penatrate the soul. You are literally drowning in a sea of suffering. Pain does not discriminate. My heart weeps for those who insist suicide is an act of selfishness. It is anything but. The person who has succumbed to what they believed to be the only remaining option has often been the bravest of beings. They endured agony and suffering to a depth I pray others will never know. They have courageously battled unfathomable despair day in and day out. They are exhausted and desperate. They push until they can move no further. In no way am I glorifying or justifying suicide. At its core, it is a permanent solution to what may be a temporary problem. Rather, I step forward to say speak out. Help exist in many forms, however, we are often so paralyzed by pain we cannot see it. Let us mourn the tragic losses of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. But let these tragedies provide a platform to seek out, reach out, and help others who may be struggling. I genuinely love who I am today. As human beings I hope we learn how to lift each other up. It works. I am living proof that there is a way out.