Letting go

I love him. I love him so much it takes my breath away.  And even though it’s one of the hardest things I may ever have to do, I must walk away from him. I must set us both free. It isn’t because I don’t love or need him because I so very desperately do. But what I need (or rather must have) is peace of mind. I am plagued with anxiety and fear. I still feel hurt, angry, and betrayed. That is my life long pattern. I subconsciously choose men who are emotionally unavailable. It is not their fault as I have willingly placed myself into this position time and time again. I get swept up in the throes of love only to find I have yet again chosen a situation which will later rip my heart out. Don’t get me wrong-I am far from perfect. I have emotional baggage which primarily consist of the inability to truly trust in someone I feel has betrayed my trust. I agonize over it. I live in a state of perpetual fear and anxiety. I obsess and lose sleep. Trust is a tricky thing. Once lost it’s difficult to regain. For me it’s often impossible when it’s a partner or spouse that has involved other women. Perhaps I am simply not ready. After all, I am the common denominator in my last four relationships. That speaks volumes. I do not desire drama or riding an emotional roller coaster. Fuck that. I have worked too hard for peace of mind and serenity to then willingly sacrifice them in the name of love. I cannot and will not be the girl who is suspicious and sees red flags everywhere. I refuse to be that girl who demands to see phone records, etc. A wise person recently said to me: “Do you really want a relationship in which you continuously worry about another person’s phone, messenger, etc”? That is not healthy or fair to either party. My love for him is undeniable but so is my inability to put back the shattered pieces of trust. It’s in a million pieces and there isn’t enough glue in the world to restore it to its original beauty. Love is hard. Relationships are even harder. But pain (oh dear God the pain and anxiety) of always questioning and worrying simply knocks the breath out of me. I feel paralyzed by fear. To stay would only create further resentments for both parties. It’s quite simply unfair. While it in no way threatens my physical sobriety, it wreaks havoc on my emotional sobriety. I don’t feel I’m taking the easy way out because my God this is so fucking hard. But what is harder is living with the excruciating pain of emotional pain. It triggers my long held beliefs of not being enough. I know on an intellectual level it’s not personal. I know he loves me. I truly do. But there must be some part in him that craves the thrill and excitement of the edge. I for one cannot continue to stand in the fire. It’s burning me alive. Self preservation is my only option regardless of the inevitable pain and grief that is an absolute guarantee by letting go. I wish I were stronger. I wish I could recognize the signs long before I fall deeply in love. This is a painful lesson I must master because I continuously find myself in similar situations each time.  Dear God please help me. Please. I need you now more than ever. Please carry me until I am strong enough to walk on my own because right now I feel shaken and fearful.