It’s a wrap

I have a lot to say but I am struggling to express myself adequately. A lot has transpired in a very short amount of time. Where to start? Allow me to shake things up and start with the good and the gift of gratitude. My heart swells with pride that one of my sister’s voluntarily checked herself into rehab. I am so very proud of her and the strength and courage it takes to step through those doors. God is so good. I have over a year of sobriety and I am blessed to have a great sponsor who guides me through a tough program. I am grateful for sobriety. It is truly a miracle.

Now on to the inevitable struggles that life throws our way. Because let’s face it-sober or not life quite frankly shows up. I recently had to make a very personal and gut wrenching decision. It won’t be my last. It left me hollowed out drowning in an ocean I never dreamed I would face. I struggle with shame and a depth of guilt that knows no bounds. Thankfully it is not and has not been sobriety threatening. Thank God for my sister. I don’t know how I could walk through the pain without her.

My last blog addressed a relationship which at that time I felt I had no choice but to leave. Alas, I didn’t stick with it. Somehow I just could not find the strength to let go. 

I do not know what I am doing. Or rather, I am over thinking things and find myself immobilized. What is the next right thing? I am riding on a wave of emotions. Old behavior involves isolating and shutting down emotionally when overwhelmed. I don’t want to live that way today. I want peace of mind. I crave serenity. But how? I am doing the work but to be perfectly honest I had no idea how fucked up and traumatized I was from infidelity in previous relationships. I carry deep scars I would prefer to keep hidden. I now question my judgment-after all, I am the common denominator in those relationships. I feel uncertain. Am I supposed to just be by myself for awhile? Is that the right thing? I truly don’t know.