Shadows

I see her. That girl on the couch drunk with a handful of benzodiazepines thrown in for good measure. I see her struggling. I see the blackouts and moments of time she cannot remember no matter how hard she tries. I see her. I know her. I recognize the desperation and the false belief in willpower. I know the depression, loneliness, and full blown panic attacks. I have been her. And I see that no matter how much she wants to get sober, she does not know how to do so yet. I understand the horror at realizing the only way to start is to voluntarly walk into a facility in which the doors are locked behind you once you step inside. I have been there. The facility may be different but all are the same. Detox twice, sober living houses, and 28 day programs. Let this one work. Let there be a long term residential program if that is what it takes. I cannot watch. I will love you and support you but I will not enable. Enabling can lead to death and I cannot participate in that. Please God let her have a spiritual experience which will remove the obsession, compulsion, and desire. We absolutely do recover. I have seen the willingness in her face. Please help her. She is my sister but I truly identify with her because she is one of us. The shared identification is so much stronger than blood. Amanda I love you. I hope this gift of desperation will finally set you free.