Think about that. I have strived for perfectionism in a multitude of ways since childhood. The desire to strive towards achievement is one thing, however, perfectionism is overachievement taken to the extreme. This is one of many deep truths I’ve learned about myself during the past year.
I don’t know where to begin since I last wrote. An entire year dominated by trauma and loss. Most of which I was a voluntary participant. I was incapable of seeing and accepting things were spiraling. I did not drink but the emotional trauma was in some ways worse than an actual relapse. I was blinded by my own denial of how I wanted things to be rather than facing reality as it was. I cannot believe how emotionally ill I became.. To put it plainly, I was a shell of my former self.
But fret not. Beginning mid March of 2020 I finally had to make a choice-choose or lose myself. There was no in between. Finally the emotional pain brought me to my knees. I would be incapable of remaining sober had I stayed. One had to only look at me to realize something was very, very wrong. Rail thin I was a skeleton of my former self. The further I fell the more my body cried out for help. It began to deteriorate . After all, pain demands to be seen.
I am still processing things. I still feel baffled when I whisper out loud I was in a very manipulative and emotionally abusive relationship. After years of being able to understand why people often stay with their perpetrator. We have become so broken, so beat we cannot break free.
