The Art of Balancing

Finding a balance between what Matt and I once were and what we are now is challenging.  I've always been the type of person who (when something shocking or traumatic happens ) immediately shifts into survival mode- taking care of what needs to be taken care of, etc.  This trait must be innate as I have operated in this manner as far back as I can remember- it isn't a choice-rather, it's an automatic response with no forethought on my part.  My automatic reaction when faced with a crisis (while everyone else is falling apart)is to go on auto pilot until the crisis is stabilized.  Unfortunately, this means that once some sort of equilibrium is found, I finally give myself permission to fall apart (translation-everyone else has already processed the crisis right when I am just beginning to acknowledge a crisis even occurred).  This type of "fight or flight" response is ideal say if there were a terrorist attack or some sort of other cataclysmic event, however, it's far from ideal in a lot of other situations.  Which brings me to this- while Matt is continuing to grieve/process our breakup (and has been for several weeks now), it has only hit me in the last twenty-four hours that our relationship is truly over.  At the time we broke up I felt relief and pride- I was so proud of Matt for finally choosing himself and voicing what he needed in order to be happy (things I would never be capable of providing).  Now that a few weeks have passed, the reality of the dissolution of our relationship is just now hitting me.  Although I know beyond a doubt that ending the relationship was the right thing to do, it does nothing to lessen the grief.  At this time, I simply need time and space to allow myself to heal and move on- I know (as with all things) it will get better in time.

Somebody that I used to know...

She used to like:


Sunbathing-with little or no regard for sun damage and future sun spots

Clubbing till the wee hours of the morning regardless of the consequences awaiting her the next day

Thinking she’d eventually be happily married with at least two children

Happy hours and consuming far more than what is socially acceptable

Thinking she was always in control

Thinking she was content with frivolous and materialistic things

Believing looks were everything

Micromanaging everything

Passively existing in the world

Thinking if she just made herself want something badly enough then eventually she would actually come to want it

Thinking in terms of black and white with little to no room for gray

Feeling entitled

Feeling worshiped from a distance- never allowing anyone to get close enough to ruin the illusion

Pretending everything was okay

Being codependent

Being a slave to others as well as herself

Keeping things under lock and key



Today she likes:

Taking care of herself in healthy ways

Snuggling up with a good book

Writing about everything she used to keep hidden

Relinquishing the control she never truly had

Earning rather than demanding respect

Acknowledgement that marriage and more children are not for her

Not having to pretend anymore

Having friends who are authentic

Going to bed at ten o’clock

Taking naps on the weekend

Having true independence

Seeing the world as it truly is

Knowing what she believes in and why

Thinking in broader terms-from black and white to every color in between

Acceptance for things as they are and not as she would have them
Being valued for what’s on the inside vs. the outside

Challenging herself

Having true freedom and peace of mind

The Deeper End of Shallow....

I have always been a “list” person- forever creating various to do lists, grocery lists, work task lists, etc. Making lists is a simple way for me to put complicated tasks into a compartmentalized order. The following list is not the type of list I normally fret over rather, it is a wish list of things I desire but normally feel too shallow to cop to…

I wish I had:

A personal shopper with an unlimited expense account

A sleek, black sporty convertible

Abs you could bounce a coin off of

Enough money to pay off all debts

A beach house in Barbados

All three books I’ve written on the New York Times Bestseller’s List

A closet full of designer heels and handbags

A personal chef, housekeeper, masseuse, and stylist

An apartment in New York City

Enough money that I could work part-time so that I could contribute large amounts of time to charity/volunteer work/philanthropy

A personal trainer who would personally drag me out of bed and into the gym

Regular lunch dates with Oprah

An in home library consisting of floor to ceiling books (complete with a sliding ladder)

A Victorian house by the sea with a large study in which I could write inspired and undisturbed

A vast amount of land that could be converted into a wildlife reserve for animals unable to live in the wild

The luxury of returning to school and taking classes in any subject I wish

The capability to travel around the world-both for sightseeing as well as activist purposes

Mastered a foreign language

The opportunity to be a U.S. Diplomat

My own botanical garden complete with a hammock and spa

Enough power and clout to eradicate all forms of abuse and neglect

The perfect jean- comfortable and flattering

The opportunity to travel through Italy at my own leisure

Unlimited access to all bookstores, libraries, etc.

An opportunity to study at an Ashram

Say Goodbye

“Say Goodbye”


“So here we are tonight
You and me together
The storm outside, the fire is bright
And in your eyes I see
What's on my mind
You've got me wild
Turned around inside
And then desire, see, is creeping
Up heavy inside here
And know you feel the same way
I do now
Now let's make this an evening
Lovers for a night, lovers for tonight
Stay here with me, love, tonight
Just for an evening
When we make
Our passion pictures
You and me twist up
Secret creatures
And we'll stay here
Tomorrow go back to being friends…”
-Dave Matthews

I’m not going to elaborate much on this particular entry as I feel the above lyrics adequately capture the topic I am attempting to address….which is this--Is it possible to be lovers just for a night then go back to simply being friends the day after? Personally I would say it depends on the circumstances….as a general rule I would venture to say men (more than women) are more likely to be able to separate emotional attachments from physical pleasures. I personally have never been a fan of indulging in a “friends with benefits” relationship (perhaps I’ve seen far too many movies in which one of the friend’s ends up wanting or needing more than the other desires). On the other hand, one night stands (AKA sex between strangers-gross) has never appealed much to me either. Which brings me to my last question- Can two people who were once in a romantic relationship later revert to being only friends and still occasionally sleep with each other (without compromising their friendship)?  Or is this simply an unrealistic ideal that will only end in disaster?  Is it in fact better to sever all sexual components in a romantic relationship once it ends?  And if not, where do the boundaries begin and more specifically, where do they end?  

Over thrown....

To say Matt's family doesn't like me would be a huge understatement...they don't just dislike me, they loathe all I represent.  In all fairness, they have earned the right to despise me since Matt and I divorced (trust me when I say that I provided every reason imaginable to warrant this).  With that said (and if we're all being truly honest here), they never really liked me to begin with.  It is my opinion that the primary reason for their dislike is due to the fact their wishes for Matt strongly clashed with everything about me.  I strongly suspect their visions for Matt included a demure, conservative, church going, homemaker- with at least 2.5 children and a white picket fence (okay I just threw the picket fence part in- cliche I know).  I have no doubt they were dismayed to learn I was divorced (not only with a toddler but also with little inclination to have more), three years Matt's senior, liberal, opinonated, career-oriented, and anti organized religion.  In hindsight, I must have stomped all over their ideals- in other words, I was the girl down the street parents warned their children to avoid rather than the girl next door they longed for as their future daughter-in-law (i.e.-parents hoping for wholesome Jennifer Aniston but instead getting scary Angelina Jolie).  I do not blame them for wanting what they percieve to be right for Matt- after all, Matt was heavily involved in church and church related activities in his youth and is a natural with children.  I guess it's only natural they thought I was to blame for Matt no longer traveling to see them as often or his lack of involvement with church during that time (in my defense I never tried to influence or persuade him one way or the other).  Upon realizing I must have come across to Matt's family as intimidating and threatening (if not an outright black witch) I realized that none of my previous boyfriends parents had ever really liked me either (the only exception would be Caleb's paternal grandparents and even then we only became close after their son and I divorced).  Arriving at this  realization was both unexpected and disconcerting.  Seeking some sort of insight I immediately called one of my sister's who quickly reassured me I was not alone- that she too, was rarely accepted by any of her previous paramour's families.  My sister further explained that she and I probably do come across as strongly independent, etc. which in most families is not exactly common-especially given the demographical region we live in.  Although I would not compromise myself in order to meet the expectations of others, I do find it somewhat sad that I have consistently been unable to gain their acceptance and approval.  On the other hand, I am extremely grateful my own family values diversity and differences-I'll take uniqueness to conformity any day.

What a Girl Wants...

Those who do not know us well (as those who do clearly see the incompatibilities) are shocked to discover I would let a guy like Matt go.  Most women I know would kill to have what Matt has to offer- good looks, faithfulness, dedication, and exquisite bedroom..ahem...skills (not to mention he's the ideal husband-he's great with kids, does more than his share of household chores, and is a true family man).  More pointedly, most people look at me and wonder what the hell is wrong with me (a reasonable and legitimate question).  First let me point out that I am in no way looking for a partner or even a date at this time (for now I am perfectly content being single).  Yet with two failed marriages I admit a closer look at what qualities are important to me is warranted...and with the (impossible) list that follows I will probably remain single for life.  Seriously.

Here it goes (in no particular order):  **
Great sense of humor
Likes children (my son in particular)
Does not want any additional children (i.e. the two of us having a child together)
Financially stable
Intelligent (is knowledgeable about politics/world events and is preferably a Democrat; enjoys reading and is well read)
Takes great satisfaction in his chosen career (and is educated- a must; a college graduate-preferable)
Faithful/committed in all relationships
Confident but not arrogant (is affectionate but not needy); is secure enough in himself that he's not intimidated that I am remain friends with Caleb's dad and best friends with his stepdad
Has a close knit family and a great relationship with them
No fanaticism of any sort
Open minded, non judgmental, and is not sexist, racist, or prejudice
Kind-hearted (feels drawn to help others in need--think an activist of sorts)
Spiritual (though not necessarily religious as I am not religious and do not foresee me ever becoming this way.  He must at least be open to the idea of Karma, reincarnation, etc.- a tall order I am well aware).
Great kisser
Attractive
Age is not a huge factor but not under 30 and not over 45 (there's really not much leadway on this- I don't think people really begin to discover who they are before their thirties.  As for over 45- well that's just way too close to my parents ages...)
Pulls their own weight in the relationship-a true 50/50
Does not use drugs of any sort (and preferably does not drink or smoke)
Is completely comfortable in being in a long-term partnership-should it ever come to that (as I firmly believe I will not get married again)
Would be comfortable possibly never cohabiting (what can I say- I like my independence-it would take a lot to persuade me)
Is not a sports fanatic (although UK basketball is acceptable ^-^)
Laid back-somewhat of a homebody, but is passionate-about life, people, and me
Desires traveling and is not opposed to relocating in the future
Drama free
Articulate, good communication skills, emotionally expressive
Has no desire to participate in the club or bar scene- in other words he's left his partying way behind him (like willingly left them behind in his twenties)
Soulful
Fair, considerate, and honest
No violence of any sorts
Motivated but not ADD
Emotionally and mentally healthy/stable
Knows what he wants and why he wants it; has strong beliefs/opinions and knows exactly why he believes in them
Accepting of my family dynamics---Caleb is loved by many and in turn this usually results in an entourage of sorts at Caleb's school, sporting events, etc.
Is not superficial or nauseatingly materialistic
Challenges me-can respectfully debate ideas, topics, points of interest

I feel entirely certain this list will grow with time...it's impossible I know.  Luckily I am pretty content with all I currently have. 


**My list in some ways may suggest that Matt does not possess any of the above qualities, however, this would be an inaccurate assumption.  The truth of the matter is that when it comes down to "deal breakers", we simply want different things yet I love him nonetheless.

Things that make me go hmm....

Since our relationship ended, Matt and I have been cautious and tentative within our newly defined "friends only" relationship.  Although the dissolution of any relationship is painful, letting go of what was clearly not working and instead focusing on the friendship aspects appears to be working for us.  Without question, Matt will always be one of my best friends and have a place within my life.  Despite momentary pangs of sadness, I intuitively know that hanging on to our friendship and letting go of all else is the right thing to do.  After all, I'd rather have him as my friend than not have him in my life at all (which I feared might happen if we'd continued to try and force something that clearly wasn't going to work).  While it appears I have chosen to take the higher, moral road, do not be completely fooled.  Thanks in part to my astrological Libra marking (or at least that's the one excuse I permit myself to have), I am easily provoked into becoming a vicious, jealous green-eyed monster.  Though I admit this monster has become more tame over the years, she is far from broken.  Case in point?  Matt and I were talking on the phone last night when he admitted someone asked him out the day before.  While I have no rightful claim to be even remotely jealous, my monster clearly did not care whether I was entitled or not.  Initially surprised by my (monster's) violent reaction, I later realized it had more to do with me wanting to protect Matt than anything else.  I don't like for people to hurt or mistreat those I love.  I am not a wicked witch nor would I act like one once Matt begins dating...unless of course she deserves it...then all bets are off....^-^