Without question I will be repeating myself, however, it's been a long time. So here it goes:
1. Fall is my favorite season. Pumpkins, fallen leaves, and beauty is apparent everywhere.
2. I hate Chinese food and Sushi. I've tried it. I just can't (no further explanation needed)..
3. Pizza is my downfall. When my son orders it I insist he orders it from Papa John's as I do not like their sauce. Luckily it's his favorite.
4. I have lost weight. I still have more to go (ugh it's a process).
5. I have rediscovered myself-my passion for all things. This has been a true awakening. I am blessed beyond measure.
6. I have unexpectedly found another person I connect with on many levels. This is both thrilling and frightening. Vulnerability will always be challenging for me.
7. My son is in high school. He is 5'11 and wears a size 14 shoe. How has this happened?
8. I have truly missed writing. It is cathartic as well as an outlet for creative expression.
9. I have not been on a first date in four years.
10. Although I've yet to meet her in person, one of my coworkers is one of my best friends. I owe her a lot. Especially now.
11. If Trump wins I may have to move to Canada. God please no. Just no.
12. AA has saved my life.
13. I need to remember to "Let go and Let God"
14. Thanks to Dina I am now a Rustic Cuff fan. I could choke her. They are addictive.
15. I am spending the night with my youngest sister tomorrow night as my mother will be out of town. I know I will get no sleep.
16. My son and I are volunteering at Pets Smart Saturday morning. Please please do not let me fall in love with any of the animals. We have room for no more.
17. I love afternoon naps.
18. Black remains my go to with clothing and nails. Not gothic just classy.
19. I still smoke. Dammit.
20. I love my job. I get to help people everyday.
21. I would like to teach an intro to social work course. Note to self: contact university.
22. Truthfully I would have no time. I'd actually prefer to return to school. I love it.
23. I cannot tolerate dishonesty and infidelity.
24. My favorite lipstick has been discontinued. Damn you Maybelline.
25. I sometimes cuss. I know this is unbecoming.
26. So I like this person a lot. More will be revealed in time.
27. Henry our hedgehog has a new home (he was returned to the breeder who wanted him back). Turns out hedgehogs aren't that friendly.
28. I love the smell of lavender and flowers. And Gain (as in the detergent). I know I am a total weirdo.
29. I still love to read.
30. The documentary "I AM" is the best documentary I have ever seen.
31. My time at the library is up. They are giving me the evil eye. I must go.
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Eyes Wide Open
I now realize I was becoming spiritually sick during the latter part of my marriage. It's only in hindsight I now see I had become withdrawn in multiple ways. Looking back I now see their was little emotional intimacy (not for lack of trying). Sleeping in separate beds for the last year should have been my first clue. There were other red flags. Sex was a rarity (well at least with me anyways). Little affection and lack of intimacy are now apparent. I was slowly withering away. With that said, he claimed to worship me and in many ways attempted to express this in his indescribable charming manner. Today I sincerely believe he remains in love with me and would do anything to get me back (though no doubt would eventually return to his womanizing ways). He has some sort of brokenness that I for one cannot fix (and perhaps he is incapable as well). I am often asked "how are you doing so well?" I am doing well because I realized shortly after our separation the marriage was a façade-a mere illusion. How could I possibly love a man I never really knew? I don't know this person. Yes, I grieved the loss of a dream, however, it was short lived. I had felt hoodwinked. In fact I applaud his ingenuity (insert Rhianna's song "Take a Bow"). I have since reconnected with who I was before I became disillusioned and disconnected. I have reignited a fire within myself that had been slowly smoldering. To put it simply, I have found myself once again. And I like her.
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Twist and Turns
Life occasionally throws some curveballs. It's expected. It's life. But I didn't just get thrown a curveball-I was flat out knocked out. Unconscious one might say. I discovered my husband's well hidden infidelity. I won't disclose the details (that's his story to tell, not mine), however I will state it was lengthy. Shocked and left reeling was my initial state. Then of course I commenced to progress through the well known steps of grieving (shock, denial, anger, etc). I am choosing to also keep those details to myself. What I will say is that I now feel stronger, tougher, and more whole. It's a process. I must daily deal with the fact that though I thought I was happily married, my husband was leading a double life. I hold no blame or anger towards these women. They were simply seduced by a man who is both charming and alluring. He is hard to resist- it's a magnetic pull I cannot describe. Now that the smoke and mirrors are gone I see him clearly for the first time. I feel sorry for him. This is a pattern of behavior that he cannot escape. What a lonely life that must be.
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Catching up
I haven't blogged since 2013...this floors me. For me, writing is cathartic. I have always expressed myself better on paper versus an actual conversation. With that said, so much has changed-where do I even begin? I suppose I'll start with a list of the basics:
1. My son is now 14 and will be a Freshman this Fall. I have yet to accept this.
2. I now have a fabulous job. In the interest of keeping my personal and professional lives separated, I'd prefer not to name my current employer. I will confess that I work from home in my PJs and love it. My job is amazing-it's exactly where I'm supposed to be at this time.
3. I got remarried on February 28, 2014. He is without question my perfect match.
4. I have 5 pets (yes, I've become THAT lady). Three are indoor pets (2 cats and 1 dog). The second two are outdoor cats. One of which is feral (it took 6 months before I could touch her. Now she is my shadow). I have a serious problem with collecting strays.
5. One of the indoor cats is my former hairless cat, Max. My ex husband, Matt, asked me to take him back last year due to his living situation at that time. I am so glad I did-we love him dearly.
6. Last year I quit smoking for 10 months. I went back to smoking for 5 months and now have 90 days nicotine free. Freedom-it's a beautiful thing.
7. I haven't had a sip of alcohol in nearly 4 years. Sobriety is amazing and I thank God for it everyday. My life is infinitely better. Who would have thought?
8. I live two streets over from my mom and youngest sister. We now walk together nearly every evening. I feel so blessed to have family close by.
9. I've recently gained a significant amount of weight and have since embarked on a wellness plan (disclaimer: quitting smoking equals added pounds). I feel and look better already.
10 To be completely transparent, I've not blogged because I've not had my own personal laptop (lame excuse but it's true). I bought one today and it's pissing me off right now as I type (why the hell can't I find spell check?)
11.I religously go to bed at 10 every night--no more "Gina sometimes" stories (my apologies to those who lived vicariously through her). Waking up with peace of mind is priceless.
12.I wrote a book about my life in 2012. Maybe I'll have the opportunity to publish it someday. Maybe I won't. I'm okay with whatever may be.
13.I love my family and my home. I no longer feel trapped or feel the need to escapee. To those who know me well this is a miracle in and of itself.
14. Somehow spellcheck has begun working. Ha! Not today Satan (insert smirk).
15. My ex husband Matt and I remain good friends. This makes me smile.
16. My son is 5'10" and wears a size 14 shoe. How.
17. I am still scared of the Mothman and probably always will be. If you don't know what it is, watch the movie "The Mothman". Even better, read the book.
18. My love of books and voracious reading returned once I quit drinking. This has been one of the greatest gifts restored to me. I missed books more than I could have possibly imagined.
19. I struggle daily with guilt. I remain haunted by my two years of alcoholic spiraling. I wouldn't have classified myself as an excessive drinker because I didn't become one until 2010. Only then did the grip take hold. It lasted for two and half years and was a journey to hell and back.
20. Never before have I shared my alcoholism on a public platform. It's scary.
21. The first thing I gained in treatment was my faith in God and the Universe. Without that light, I wouldn't have made it.
22. This list will now contain less heavy material.
23. My sister who lived in New York moved back two years ago. I don't have the opportunity to see her often but I feel better just knowing she's here.
24. My husband can fix anything.
25. We keep my husband's granddaughter every other Saturday. I love her dearly but cannot refer to myself as a grandmother. Not yet anyway.
26. I have amazing step children. The oldest, Casey, is now married and has the most gorgeous months old daughter. His wife is nothing less than wonderful. The second oldest, Courtney, is a hard worker and a good mother. Her daughter, Sophia, is nearly four years old. Soph is hilarious (case in point: she told me this past weekend that "Jesus died on the croc"). Katie is my husband's third child. She's in college and majoring in Nursing. She's so smart and strives hard to do well. And last, their is Olivia who is adorably sweet and kind.
27. I am an introvert (though I can play the role of an extrovert for long periods of time). I will always prefer to stay home versus going out. It is a very real struggle for me to socialize in large groups.
28. I never get lonely. I am completely content to spend time alone.
29. I remain a liberal Democrat but no longer engage in debates with Republicans. I can't change their minds and they certainly can't change mine.
30. I believe all paths ultimately lead to God. I believe in the saying that "Religion is man made and Spirituality is God given". It's okay if others don't agree.
31. I have found that I am far more relaxed and accepting at 37 than I've ever been before. I look forward to the years to come.
32. Even so, I still get Botox. Vanity is my downfall.
33. My third sister, Erica, lives in AL. I miss her.
34. My youngest sister is learning to drive. This terrifies me.
35. I have a hedgehog named Henry. He is not friendly.
36. Someday I want to live in the country. I plan on getting two goats, chickens and at least one pig. I miss my former pig, Lola.
37. I could go on and on with this list. This is enough for now.
38. My paternal grandmother died four years ago. I miss her more each year.
XOXO
1. My son is now 14 and will be a Freshman this Fall. I have yet to accept this.
2. I now have a fabulous job. In the interest of keeping my personal and professional lives separated, I'd prefer not to name my current employer. I will confess that I work from home in my PJs and love it. My job is amazing-it's exactly where I'm supposed to be at this time.
3. I got remarried on February 28, 2014. He is without question my perfect match.
4. I have 5 pets (yes, I've become THAT lady). Three are indoor pets (2 cats and 1 dog). The second two are outdoor cats. One of which is feral (it took 6 months before I could touch her. Now she is my shadow). I have a serious problem with collecting strays.
5. One of the indoor cats is my former hairless cat, Max. My ex husband, Matt, asked me to take him back last year due to his living situation at that time. I am so glad I did-we love him dearly.
6. Last year I quit smoking for 10 months. I went back to smoking for 5 months and now have 90 days nicotine free. Freedom-it's a beautiful thing.
7. I haven't had a sip of alcohol in nearly 4 years. Sobriety is amazing and I thank God for it everyday. My life is infinitely better. Who would have thought?
8. I live two streets over from my mom and youngest sister. We now walk together nearly every evening. I feel so blessed to have family close by.
9. I've recently gained a significant amount of weight and have since embarked on a wellness plan (disclaimer: quitting smoking equals added pounds). I feel and look better already.
10 To be completely transparent, I've not blogged because I've not had my own personal laptop (lame excuse but it's true). I bought one today and it's pissing me off right now as I type (why the hell can't I find spell check?)
11.I religously go to bed at 10 every night--no more "Gina sometimes" stories (my apologies to those who lived vicariously through her). Waking up with peace of mind is priceless.
12.I wrote a book about my life in 2012. Maybe I'll have the opportunity to publish it someday. Maybe I won't. I'm okay with whatever may be.
13.I love my family and my home. I no longer feel trapped or feel the need to escapee. To those who know me well this is a miracle in and of itself.
14. Somehow spellcheck has begun working. Ha! Not today Satan (insert smirk).
15. My ex husband Matt and I remain good friends. This makes me smile.
16. My son is 5'10" and wears a size 14 shoe. How.
17. I am still scared of the Mothman and probably always will be. If you don't know what it is, watch the movie "The Mothman". Even better, read the book.
18. My love of books and voracious reading returned once I quit drinking. This has been one of the greatest gifts restored to me. I missed books more than I could have possibly imagined.
19. I struggle daily with guilt. I remain haunted by my two years of alcoholic spiraling. I wouldn't have classified myself as an excessive drinker because I didn't become one until 2010. Only then did the grip take hold. It lasted for two and half years and was a journey to hell and back.
20. Never before have I shared my alcoholism on a public platform. It's scary.
21. The first thing I gained in treatment was my faith in God and the Universe. Without that light, I wouldn't have made it.
22. This list will now contain less heavy material.
23. My sister who lived in New York moved back two years ago. I don't have the opportunity to see her often but I feel better just knowing she's here.
24. My husband can fix anything.
25. We keep my husband's granddaughter every other Saturday. I love her dearly but cannot refer to myself as a grandmother. Not yet anyway.
26. I have amazing step children. The oldest, Casey, is now married and has the most gorgeous months old daughter. His wife is nothing less than wonderful. The second oldest, Courtney, is a hard worker and a good mother. Her daughter, Sophia, is nearly four years old. Soph is hilarious (case in point: she told me this past weekend that "Jesus died on the croc"). Katie is my husband's third child. She's in college and majoring in Nursing. She's so smart and strives hard to do well. And last, their is Olivia who is adorably sweet and kind.
27. I am an introvert (though I can play the role of an extrovert for long periods of time). I will always prefer to stay home versus going out. It is a very real struggle for me to socialize in large groups.
28. I never get lonely. I am completely content to spend time alone.
29. I remain a liberal Democrat but no longer engage in debates with Republicans. I can't change their minds and they certainly can't change mine.
30. I believe all paths ultimately lead to God. I believe in the saying that "Religion is man made and Spirituality is God given". It's okay if others don't agree.
31. I have found that I am far more relaxed and accepting at 37 than I've ever been before. I look forward to the years to come.
32. Even so, I still get Botox. Vanity is my downfall.
33. My third sister, Erica, lives in AL. I miss her.
34. My youngest sister is learning to drive. This terrifies me.
35. I have a hedgehog named Henry. He is not friendly.
36. Someday I want to live in the country. I plan on getting two goats, chickens and at least one pig. I miss my former pig, Lola.
37. I could go on and on with this list. This is enough for now.
38. My paternal grandmother died four years ago. I miss her more each year.
XOXO
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Numbers
1. Animal cruelty literally leaves scars upon my soul. After ten years of working in social services, I developed a thick skin with regards to child abuse--don't get me wrong--it's horrific but I am (sadly) no longer surprised by the depths human beings will go to when harming each other. On the other hand, I lack any form of emotional protection with regard to animals. If there is a hell, there's a special place in it for those who delight in cruelty.
2. I don't actually believe in the "Christian" idea of hell. If you're interested in my spiritual beliefs simply ask me---to even attempt to explain them in this blog would take an inexorbitant amount of time.
3. It infuriates me when others use intimidation, threats, and scare tactics to push their own ideas and agendas upon others.
4. I didn't think the United States would elect a black President in my lifetime. I am so glad I was proven wrong. #hope
5. I am genuinely grateful that I have finally met my perfect match (whom I will marry next February). #miracles do happen
6. I believe that life is hard but wouldn't be worth living if it were any other way.
7. I have learned exponentially more from failing versus any success I have achieved.
8. I am innately selfish. I continue to work hard at overcoming selfishness but it truly is my biggest character defect.
9. I have been blessed to have some of the greatest coworkers at every job I have ever worked at.
10.If someone had told me two years ago that I would eventually love coffee I would have thought they were crazy.
11.The library works hard to satisfy my addiction to books. On average, I read 4 books per week. #bookworm
12.I rarely watch TV.
13.My nighttime ritual includes watching black and white reruns of "The Munsters" with Steve and our dog Charlie....yep, I have become that girl.
14.My goal is to become a CADC (Certified Alcohol and Drug Counselor).
15.I currently have only one credit card which I pay in full each month I use it.
16.Until I was diagnosed with PMDD (Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder) I thought there was something very wrong with me. This diagnosis literally changed my life. Thank God for good doctors and great pharmaseuticals.
17.Acceptance is the answer to all things. It took me decades to grasp and embrace this simple yet profound concept.
18.I used to dread getting older, however, I now understand why no sane person would ever want to return to their younger selves.
19.My son thrills me to this day. How he manages to maintain straight A's in middle school is beyond me. It would not be until undergrad and graduate school that I would be able to maintain a 4.0
20.I have a lot of regrets, however, without them I would not have the profound gratitude I have for my life today.
2. I don't actually believe in the "Christian" idea of hell. If you're interested in my spiritual beliefs simply ask me---to even attempt to explain them in this blog would take an inexorbitant amount of time.
3. It infuriates me when others use intimidation, threats, and scare tactics to push their own ideas and agendas upon others.
4. I didn't think the United States would elect a black President in my lifetime. I am so glad I was proven wrong. #hope
5. I am genuinely grateful that I have finally met my perfect match (whom I will marry next February). #miracles do happen
6. I believe that life is hard but wouldn't be worth living if it were any other way.
7. I have learned exponentially more from failing versus any success I have achieved.
8. I am innately selfish. I continue to work hard at overcoming selfishness but it truly is my biggest character defect.
9. I have been blessed to have some of the greatest coworkers at every job I have ever worked at.
10.If someone had told me two years ago that I would eventually love coffee I would have thought they were crazy.
11.The library works hard to satisfy my addiction to books. On average, I read 4 books per week. #bookworm
12.I rarely watch TV.
13.My nighttime ritual includes watching black and white reruns of "The Munsters" with Steve and our dog Charlie....yep, I have become that girl.
14.My goal is to become a CADC (Certified Alcohol and Drug Counselor).
15.I currently have only one credit card which I pay in full each month I use it.
16.Until I was diagnosed with PMDD (Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder) I thought there was something very wrong with me. This diagnosis literally changed my life. Thank God for good doctors and great pharmaseuticals.
17.Acceptance is the answer to all things. It took me decades to grasp and embrace this simple yet profound concept.
18.I used to dread getting older, however, I now understand why no sane person would ever want to return to their younger selves.
19.My son thrills me to this day. How he manages to maintain straight A's in middle school is beyond me. It would not be until undergrad and graduate school that I would be able to maintain a 4.0
20.I have a lot of regrets, however, without them I would not have the profound gratitude I have for my life today.
Friday, September 20, 2013
'78 Retake....
In honor of my upcoming 35th birthday the post below pays tribute to the year in which I was born...
Here's to you 1978! Cheers!
World Series Champions: New York Yankees
NCAA Basketball Champions: University of Kentucky (!)
Superbowl Champions: Dallas Cowboys
American President in Office: Jimmy Carter
Sex Symbols: Farrah Fawcett, Christie Brinkley, Lynda Carter
Popular Movies: "National Lampoon's Animal House", "Grease", "Jaws 2"
Popular Games: "Hungry, Hungry Hippos" and "Simon"
Popular TV Shows: "60 minutes", "Taxi", "Three's Company", "Happy Days", "Laverne & Shirley"
Average (yearly) Income: $17,000
Average Cost of Purchasing a House: $54,000
Average Rent: $260
Price of Gasoline: 63 cents
Cost of Stamp: 15 cents
Notable Crime: "Son of Sam" seriel killer sentenced
Album of the Year: "Rumours" by Fleetwood Mac
World Population Estimate: 4 Billion
Technology: Sony introduces the "Walkman" (the first portable stereo)
Famous Actor also born in 1978: Ashton Kutcher
Here's to you 1978! Cheers!
World Series Champions: New York Yankees
NCAA Basketball Champions: University of Kentucky (!)
Superbowl Champions: Dallas Cowboys
American President in Office: Jimmy Carter
Sex Symbols: Farrah Fawcett, Christie Brinkley, Lynda Carter
Popular Movies: "National Lampoon's Animal House", "Grease", "Jaws 2"
Popular Games: "Hungry, Hungry Hippos" and "Simon"
Popular TV Shows: "60 minutes", "Taxi", "Three's Company", "Happy Days", "Laverne & Shirley"
Average (yearly) Income: $17,000
Average Cost of Purchasing a House: $54,000
Average Rent: $260
Price of Gasoline: 63 cents
Cost of Stamp: 15 cents
Notable Crime: "Son of Sam" seriel killer sentenced
Album of the Year: "Rumours" by Fleetwood Mac
World Population Estimate: 4 Billion
Technology: Sony introduces the "Walkman" (the first portable stereo)
Famous Actor also born in 1978: Ashton Kutcher
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Take 3
As I prepare to take my third (yes, third) trip down the aisle, I can't help but reflect on my previous marriages. Although I made A LOT of mistakes, I have no regrets. Each marriage taught me a lot about relationships and provided me with a wealth of knowledge about who I was, who I am today, and who I want to be in the future. Here's a brief synopsis of my prior marriages...
Marriage: Take 1:
I had just turned twenty-four when I took the first "plunge". In hindsight we were both far too young to marry, however like most twenty somethings, felt it was the next logical step. After all, we had a fifteen-month-old son together and felt we had waited long enough to ensure we weren't simply getting married out of obligation. We were married (unhappily) for nearly two and a half years before waiving the white flag in surrender. In retrospect we were two very, very different people incapable of being what the other person needed. I hold no ill will towards my son's father-we tried our very best and it simply did not work out. To this day we are on good terms and jointly participate in our son's school and sporting events. He is now happily cohabitating with a divorced mother of three. I can honestly say I wish him nothing but love and happiness. I sincerely believe we taught each other a lot and have continuously demonstrated that while we weren't able to love each other indefinitely, we both very much love our son.
Fast forward to Marriage #2....
This relationship was infinitely more complicated with twists and turns at every corner. I was twenty-six years old when we began dating. In 2007 we married then tragedy struck that October. I wont get into all of the details as the specifics of that dark time period are best captured in the blogs I wrote during those horrific days. What I will say is that I don't think either of us ever fully recovered from the indescribeable shock and loss we endured. While I can't speak on my ex husband's behalf, I am more than capable of speaking about my own. In short-it would take years of self destruction before I would finally hit (rock) bottom at the end of 2011. My road of recovery (and self discovery) has been a painful (but necessary) journey. I owe my ex husband a lot of gratitude....his faith in me (especially when I least deserved it) was limitless. I can never repay this debt. Fast forward a few years to early 2012 (post divorce) and we found ourselves dating yet again. While we became great friends once more, we quickly discovered we wanted radically different things. Through no fault of his own, I was too traumatized by earlier events in our past marriage to truly try again. When I finally admitted (to him as well as my inner self)that I could not commit (ever) to us getting remarried or to having another baby together (unfathomable for me after the loss of our only child together) we realized it could never work. At that time we were dating I was completely happy with the current situation--living separately yet exclusively dating each other. In hindsight I realize this was deeply unfair to him--I sincerely prayed that with time I would change my mind about marriage and children, however, once he recognized I wouldn't (or couldn't) he ended our relationship. His courage to do this (and most importantly put his needs before my own) astounds me to this day. I am so proud of him. To this day we continue our friendship and he continues to play a large role in my son's life. I am forever grateful to the love, patience, and encouragment he has freely given to me. I am blessed to have him as part of my family. I sincerely hope he marries someone who will give him all that he deserves---few men could be the type of husband and/or father he is capable of being.
Fast forward to present day.....
Where do I even begin? First let me begin by saying that I SWORE I would never get remarried after my previous marriages ended in divorce. With my track record I was content to keep things "safe and uncomplicated". Dating? Yes. Marriage? Hell no. Then I met Steve- the polar opposite of either of my ex husbands'! Steve is eleven years my senior, divorced (x 3-yes, 3), and has four children (ages 26, 19, 17, and 6). I have fallen in love with this man and his children. For the first time ever, I feel as though we found our match when we found each other. Today I am thirty-four years old and nothing in this world could drag me back to my twenties..it's was a long, painful, and bumpy road to self discovery and self love. What I understand today (and trust me it took years to get there) is that it wasn't until I was truly happy with myself that I would be able to be in a healthy, loving relationship. I am finally there and feel so blessed. Thank you to my past---you helped create the wonderful future I have today.
xoxo
Marriage: Take 1:
I had just turned twenty-four when I took the first "plunge". In hindsight we were both far too young to marry, however like most twenty somethings, felt it was the next logical step. After all, we had a fifteen-month-old son together and felt we had waited long enough to ensure we weren't simply getting married out of obligation. We were married (unhappily) for nearly two and a half years before waiving the white flag in surrender. In retrospect we were two very, very different people incapable of being what the other person needed. I hold no ill will towards my son's father-we tried our very best and it simply did not work out. To this day we are on good terms and jointly participate in our son's school and sporting events. He is now happily cohabitating with a divorced mother of three. I can honestly say I wish him nothing but love and happiness. I sincerely believe we taught each other a lot and have continuously demonstrated that while we weren't able to love each other indefinitely, we both very much love our son.
Fast forward to Marriage #2....
This relationship was infinitely more complicated with twists and turns at every corner. I was twenty-six years old when we began dating. In 2007 we married then tragedy struck that October. I wont get into all of the details as the specifics of that dark time period are best captured in the blogs I wrote during those horrific days. What I will say is that I don't think either of us ever fully recovered from the indescribeable shock and loss we endured. While I can't speak on my ex husband's behalf, I am more than capable of speaking about my own. In short-it would take years of self destruction before I would finally hit (rock) bottom at the end of 2011. My road of recovery (and self discovery) has been a painful (but necessary) journey. I owe my ex husband a lot of gratitude....his faith in me (especially when I least deserved it) was limitless. I can never repay this debt. Fast forward a few years to early 2012 (post divorce) and we found ourselves dating yet again. While we became great friends once more, we quickly discovered we wanted radically different things. Through no fault of his own, I was too traumatized by earlier events in our past marriage to truly try again. When I finally admitted (to him as well as my inner self)that I could not commit (ever) to us getting remarried or to having another baby together (unfathomable for me after the loss of our only child together) we realized it could never work. At that time we were dating I was completely happy with the current situation--living separately yet exclusively dating each other. In hindsight I realize this was deeply unfair to him--I sincerely prayed that with time I would change my mind about marriage and children, however, once he recognized I wouldn't (or couldn't) he ended our relationship. His courage to do this (and most importantly put his needs before my own) astounds me to this day. I am so proud of him. To this day we continue our friendship and he continues to play a large role in my son's life. I am forever grateful to the love, patience, and encouragment he has freely given to me. I am blessed to have him as part of my family. I sincerely hope he marries someone who will give him all that he deserves---few men could be the type of husband and/or father he is capable of being.
Fast forward to present day.....
Where do I even begin? First let me begin by saying that I SWORE I would never get remarried after my previous marriages ended in divorce. With my track record I was content to keep things "safe and uncomplicated". Dating? Yes. Marriage? Hell no. Then I met Steve- the polar opposite of either of my ex husbands'! Steve is eleven years my senior, divorced (x 3-yes, 3), and has four children (ages 26, 19, 17, and 6). I have fallen in love with this man and his children. For the first time ever, I feel as though we found our match when we found each other. Today I am thirty-four years old and nothing in this world could drag me back to my twenties..it's was a long, painful, and bumpy road to self discovery and self love. What I understand today (and trust me it took years to get there) is that it wasn't until I was truly happy with myself that I would be able to be in a healthy, loving relationship. I am finally there and feel so blessed. Thank you to my past---you helped create the wonderful future I have today.
xoxo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)