Gratitude

Blessings and miracles are all around us. Sometimes however, we need to pause and reflect as we may have become so involved in day to day life we've forgotten how important gratitude is. With that said, I'd like to express some gratitude in my life:

1. Thank you God for sobriety. Without you I am nothing.

2. Thank you for my son who is sensitive, smart, healthy, and caring.

3. Thank you for my family-they are my rock.

4. Thank you for love-particularly that which is unexpected.

5. Thank you for spiritual awakening and conscious contact with my higher power. 

6. Thank you for forgiveness and new beginnings.

7. Thank you for sponsorship and old timers.

8. Thank you for my love of books-they are my paperback friends.

9. Thank you for peace of mind.

10. Thank you for being able to meet basic needs.

12. Thank you for my ability to write-it is my creative outlet.

13. Thank you for my friends and their support. 

14. Thank you for my pets-sometimes they provide comfort when nothing else works.

15. Thank you for for physical, mental, and emotional health and wellbeing.

16. Thank you for my job which I love. 

17. Thank you for bringing people into my life when it's least expected.

18. Thank you for connectivity-it is rare and cherished.

19. Thank you for the beauty all around us if we only stop and look around.

20. Thank you for the strength to walk away from situations which are toxic and unhealthy.

My list could go on and on but just for today these are things I cherish.

Training Wheels

When I was very young I received my first bike. It was sky blue with wispy clouds complete with streamers and a basket. I coveted my bike and thought I was the queen of all things when riding it. Alas came the day when my training wheels were removed. After a few spills followed by some wobbly success in the grass, I bravely set out to conquer the world. At first things went smoothly, however, as I began to gain in speed I forgot how to use my brakes. Glorious scars remain to this day. As a result, I was shaken and refused to try again for some time.

Fast forward three decades and I find myself at a crossroads. It's time to remove my training wheels once more, however, this time I face life rather than a stretch of pavement. I'm scared. I'm anxious. I fight daily bouts of panic as my previous life crumples through my fingers. I thought I was safe. I thought I was loved and protected. I am vulnerable without the comfort of my training wheels. 

As a young child I struggled with mornings. I often had an upset stomach with crippling anxiety. I did not want to go to school because I didn't want to leave my place of security and venture into the unknown. And yet I thought I had conquered those demons long ago. Alas I'm once again frightened in the mornings. Sick with a hangover of "what ifs".  This is me at my weakest. Naked, exposed. 

With that said, I feel strong and confident in many areas. I am confident in my ability to parent, remain sober, and make it on my own. All of this takes courage, determination, and daily prayer. I work at it everyday. I sometimes fall short but I know God's got it. 

When all layers are peeled away, I'm scared of the unknown. That's the real issue. To put myself out there- because wouldn't it be safer and more comfortable not to? My demon, Isolation, calls to me; luring me into a false sense of safety. "Play it safe" she purrs. Today I will surrender but not to her. Today I choose to bend and not break. To lean in not out. To face the fear of the unknown. I am remembering life would not be life without that.

Blurred Lines

"Romance and Lust can lead to Love but sometimes it just leads to Great Sex"..Shanna Austin

I both love and hate this sentence equally. The inner delusional romantic in me screams "no-it should always lead to love!) Yet, the truth is sometimes it doesn't. And that may be equally enthralling. Great sex is often hard to come by.

Yet there is a jumping off point. What if emotions are already heavily involved? This is where lines may become blurred. In a perfect world two people who just want great sex meet each other and fuck-no ties, no expectations.  No messiness. Often however this isn't how it works. Don't get me wrong, the former "Gina Sometimes" is capable of having sex without expectations but it's known up front.  Easy, fun. I have a friend with whom this is an absolute given. We can (and have in the past) have fabulous sex and that's that. He goes back to his life and I go back to mine. But if I dig deep enough and confide my inner most secrets, I have found that the best kind of sex is where emotions are involved and there is at least a considerable percentage that it's actually going to progress into something more. Again this too is a rarity I've only experienced with few people( mainly my ex husbands. And although we are now divorced, it still clearly progressed).  

Which leads me to this...do I dare allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable? It's terrifying. I'd rather know up front--is this simply just for fun or is this possibly the real deal. I don't know the answer which is why crushes are called just that. You may become crushed to death. In the end I would have to say jump in. Maybe not all the way-just test the waters. 

List #934938488394893

Without question I will be repeating myself, however, it's been a long time.  So here it goes:
1. Fall is my favorite season. Pumpkins, fallen leaves, and beauty is apparent everywhere.
2. I hate Chinese food and Sushi.  I've tried it.  I just can't (no further explanation needed)..
3. Pizza is my downfall.  When my son orders it I insist he orders it from Papa John's as I do not like their sauce.  Luckily it's his favorite.
4. I have lost weight.  I still have more to go (ugh it's a process). 
5. I have rediscovered myself-my passion for all things.  This has been a true awakening.  I am blessed beyond measure.
6. I have unexpectedly found another person I connect with on many levels.  This is both thrilling and frightening.  Vulnerability will always be challenging for me.
7. My son is in high school. He is 5'11 and wears a size 14 shoe.  How has this happened?
8. I have truly missed writing.  It is cathartic as well as an outlet for creative expression.
9. I have not been on a first date in four years.
10. Although I've yet to meet her in person, one of my coworkers is one of my best friends.  I owe her a lot.  Especially now.
11. If Trump wins I may have to move to Canada.  God please no.  Just no.
12. AA has saved my life. 
13. I need to remember to "Let go and Let God"
14. Thanks to Dina I am now a Rustic Cuff fan.  I could choke her.  They are addictive. 
15. I am spending the night with my youngest sister tomorrow night as my mother will be out of town.  I know I will get no sleep.
16. My son and I are volunteering at Pets Smart Saturday morning.  Please please do not let me fall in love with any of the animals.  We have room for no more.
17. I love afternoon naps.
18. Black remains my go to with clothing and nails.  Not gothic just classy.
19. I still smoke.  Dammit. 
20. I love my job.  I get to help people everyday. 
21. I would like to teach an intro to social work course.  Note to self: contact university. 
22. Truthfully I would have no time.  I'd actually prefer to return to school.  I love it.
23. I cannot tolerate dishonesty and infidelity. 
24. My favorite lipstick has been discontinued.  Damn you Maybelline. 
25. I sometimes cuss.  I know this is unbecoming.
26. So I like this person a lot.  More will be revealed in time.
27. Henry our hedgehog has a new home (he was returned to the breeder who wanted him back).  Turns out hedgehogs aren't that friendly. 
28. I love the smell of lavender and flowers.  And Gain (as in the detergent).  I know I am a total weirdo. 
29. I still love to read.
30. The documentary "I AM" is the best documentary I have ever seen.
31. My time at the library is up.  They are giving me the evil eye.  I must go.

Eyes Wide Open

I now realize I was becoming spiritually sick during the latter part of my marriage.   It's only in hindsight I now see I had become withdrawn in multiple ways.  Looking back I now see their was little emotional intimacy (not for lack of trying).  Sleeping in separate beds for the last year should have been my first clue.  There were other red flags.  Sex was a rarity (well at least with me anyways).  Little affection and lack of intimacy are now apparent.  I was slowly withering away.  With that said, he claimed to worship me and in many ways attempted to express this in his indescribable charming manner.  Today I sincerely believe he remains in love with me and would do anything to get me back (though no doubt would eventually return to his womanizing ways).  He has some sort of brokenness that I for one cannot fix (and perhaps he is incapable as well).  I am often asked "how are you doing so well?"  I am doing well because I realized shortly after our separation the marriage was a façade-a mere illusion.  How could I possibly love a man I never really knew?  I don't know this person.  Yes,  I grieved the loss of a dream, however, it was short lived.  I had felt hoodwinked.  In fact I applaud his ingenuity (insert Rhianna's song "Take a Bow").  I have since reconnected with who I was before I became disillusioned and disconnected.  I have reignited a fire within myself that had been slowly smoldering.  To put it simply, I have found myself once again.  And I like her. 

Twist and Turns

Life occasionally throws some curveballs. It's expected. It's life. But I didn't just get thrown a curveball-I was flat out knocked out. Unconscious one might say. I discovered my husband's well hidden infidelity. I won't disclose the details (that's his story to tell, not mine), however I will state it was lengthy. Shocked and left reeling was my initial state. Then of course I commenced to progress through the well known steps of grieving (shock, denial, anger, etc). I am choosing to also keep those details to myself. What I will say is that I now feel stronger, tougher, and more whole. It's a process. I must daily deal with the fact that though I thought I was happily married, my husband was leading a double life. I hold no blame or anger towards these women. They were simply seduced by a man who is both charming and alluring. He is hard to resist- it's a magnetic pull I cannot describe. Now  that the smoke and mirrors are gone I see him clearly for the first time. I feel sorry for him. This is a pattern of behavior that he cannot escape. What a lonely life that must be.

Catching up

I haven't blogged since 2013...this floors me. For me, writing is cathartic. I have always expressed myself better on paper versus an actual conversation. With that said, so much has changed-where do I even begin? I suppose I'll start with a list of the basics:
1. My son is now 14 and will be a Freshman this Fall. I have yet to accept this.
2. I now have a fabulous job. In the interest of keeping my personal and professional lives separated, I'd prefer not to name my current employer. I will confess that I work from home in my PJs and love it. My job is amazing-it's exactly where I'm supposed to be at this time.
3. I got remarried on February 28, 2014. He is without question my perfect match.
4. I have 5 pets (yes, I've become THAT lady). Three are indoor pets (2 cats and 1 dog). The second two are outdoor cats. One of which is feral (it took 6 months before I could touch her. Now she is my shadow). I have a serious problem with collecting strays.
5. One of the indoor cats is my former hairless cat, Max. My ex husband, Matt, asked me to take him back last year due to his living situation at that time. I am so glad I did-we love him dearly.
6. Last year I quit smoking for 10 months. I went back to smoking for 5 months and now have 90 days nicotine free. Freedom-it's a beautiful thing.
7. I haven't had a sip of alcohol in nearly 4 years. Sobriety is amazing and I thank God for it everyday. My life is infinitely better. Who would have thought?
8. I live two streets over from my mom and youngest sister. We now walk together nearly every evening. I feel so blessed to have family close by.
9. I've recently gained a significant amount of weight and have since embarked on a wellness plan (disclaimer: quitting smoking equals added pounds). I feel and look better already.
10 To be completely transparent, I've not blogged because I've not had my own personal laptop (lame excuse but it's true). I bought one today and it's pissing me off right now as I type (why the hell can't I find spell check?)
11.I religously go to bed at 10 every night--no more "Gina sometimes" stories (my apologies to those who lived vicariously through her). Waking up with peace of mind is priceless.
12.I wrote a book about my life in 2012. Maybe I'll have the opportunity to publish it someday. Maybe I won't. I'm okay with whatever may be.
13.I love my family and my home. I no longer feel trapped or feel the need to escapee. To those who know me well this is a miracle in and of itself.
14. Somehow spellcheck has begun working. Ha! Not today Satan (insert smirk).
15. My ex husband Matt and I remain good friends. This makes me smile.
16. My son is 5'10" and wears a size 14 shoe. How.
17. I am still scared of the Mothman and probably always will be. If you don't know what it is, watch the movie "The Mothman". Even better, read the book.
18. My love of books and voracious reading returned once I quit drinking. This has been one of the greatest gifts restored to me. I missed books more than I could have possibly imagined.
19. I struggle daily with guilt. I remain haunted by my two years of alcoholic spiraling. I wouldn't have classified myself as an excessive drinker because I didn't become one until 2010. Only then did the grip take hold. It lasted for two and half years and was a journey to hell and back.
20. Never before have I shared my alcoholism on a public platform. It's scary.
21. The first thing I gained in treatment was my faith in God and the Universe. Without that light, I wouldn't have made it.
22. This list will now contain less heavy material.
23. My sister who lived in New York moved back two years ago. I don't have the opportunity to see her often but I feel better just knowing she's here.
24. My husband can fix anything.
25. We keep my husband's granddaughter every other Saturday. I love her dearly but cannot refer to myself as a grandmother. Not yet anyway.
26. I have amazing step children. The oldest, Casey, is now married and has the most gorgeous months old daughter. His wife is nothing less than wonderful. The second oldest, Courtney, is a hard worker and a good mother. Her daughter, Sophia, is nearly four years old. Soph is hilarious (case in point: she told me this past weekend that "Jesus died on the croc"). Katie is my husband's third child. She's in college and majoring in Nursing. She's so smart and strives hard to do well. And last, their is Olivia who is adorably sweet and kind.
27. I am an introvert (though I can play the role of an extrovert for long periods of time). I will always prefer to stay home versus going out. It is a very real struggle for me to socialize in large groups.
28. I never get lonely. I am completely content to spend time alone.
29. I remain a liberal Democrat but no longer engage in debates with Republicans. I can't change their minds and they certainly can't change mine.
30. I believe all paths ultimately lead to God. I believe in the saying that "Religion is man made and Spirituality is God given". It's okay if others don't agree.
31. I have found that I am far more relaxed and accepting at 37 than I've ever been before. I look forward to the years to come.
32. Even so, I still get Botox. Vanity is my downfall.
33. My third sister, Erica, lives in AL. I miss her.
34. My youngest sister is learning to drive. This terrifies me.
35. I have a hedgehog named Henry. He is not friendly.
36. Someday I want to live in the country. I plan on getting two goats, chickens and at least one pig. I miss my former pig, Lola.
37. I could go on and on with this list. This is enough for now.
38. My paternal grandmother died four years ago. I miss her more each year.
XOXO