Love Actually

...and in the end, love conquers all.

I'm a certified pro. With divorces. Yes, I'm that girl. The one who's been married and divorced three times. My attorney can now likely draw up my papers blindfolded. Where does this leave me? Am I ashamed? No-not even close. When I love I love fiercely-I give it all I've got. Clearly that isn't always enough. But that's me and I own it. I still believe in love and in falling in love. Were there times in which I got hurt? Of course. Ever the optimist I believe in soul mates. I believe with all that I am that connectivity is precious and rare. That love can and does last. I'm a complicated mess of romance and passion. In my experience, love often knocks you off your feet before you know it. It's pure joy and hypnotic. Life is too short to not seize the moment. I believe that true, pure love actually does exist.

Gratitude

Blessings and miracles are all around us. Sometimes however, we need to pause and reflect as we may have become so involved in day to day life we've forgotten how important gratitude is. With that said, I'd like to express some gratitude in my life:

1. Thank you God for sobriety. Without you I am nothing.

2. Thank you for my son who is sensitive, smart, healthy, and caring.

3. Thank you for my family-they are my rock.

4. Thank you for love-particularly that which is unexpected.

5. Thank you for spiritual awakening and conscious contact with my higher power. 

6. Thank you for forgiveness and new beginnings.

7. Thank you for sponsorship and old timers.

8. Thank you for my love of books-they are my paperback friends.

9. Thank you for peace of mind.

10. Thank you for being able to meet basic needs.

12. Thank you for my ability to write-it is my creative outlet.

13. Thank you for my friends and their support. 

14. Thank you for my pets-sometimes they provide comfort when nothing else works.

15. Thank you for for physical, mental, and emotional health and wellbeing.

16. Thank you for my job which I love. 

17. Thank you for bringing people into my life when it's least expected.

18. Thank you for connectivity-it is rare and cherished.

19. Thank you for the beauty all around us if we only stop and look around.

20. Thank you for the strength to walk away from situations which are toxic and unhealthy.

My list could go on and on but just for today these are things I cherish.

Training Wheels

When I was very young I received my first bike. It was sky blue with wispy clouds complete with streamers and a basket. I coveted my bike and thought I was the queen of all things when riding it. Alas came the day when my training wheels were removed. After a few spills followed by some wobbly success in the grass, I bravely set out to conquer the world. At first things went smoothly, however, as I began to gain in speed I forgot how to use my brakes. Glorious scars remain to this day. As a result, I was shaken and refused to try again for some time.

Fast forward three decades and I find myself at a crossroads. It's time to remove my training wheels once more, however, this time I face life rather than a stretch of pavement. I'm scared. I'm anxious. I fight daily bouts of panic as my previous life crumples through my fingers. I thought I was safe. I thought I was loved and protected. I am vulnerable without the comfort of my training wheels. 

As a young child I struggled with mornings. I often had an upset stomach with crippling anxiety. I did not want to go to school because I didn't want to leave my place of security and venture into the unknown. And yet I thought I had conquered those demons long ago. Alas I'm once again frightened in the mornings. Sick with a hangover of "what ifs".  This is me at my weakest. Naked, exposed. 

With that said, I feel strong and confident in many areas. I am confident in my ability to parent, remain sober, and make it on my own. All of this takes courage, determination, and daily prayer. I work at it everyday. I sometimes fall short but I know God's got it. 

When all layers are peeled away, I'm scared of the unknown. That's the real issue. To put myself out there- because wouldn't it be safer and more comfortable not to? My demon, Isolation, calls to me; luring me into a false sense of safety. "Play it safe" she purrs. Today I will surrender but not to her. Today I choose to bend and not break. To lean in not out. To face the fear of the unknown. I am remembering life would not be life without that.

Blurred Lines

"Romance and Lust can lead to Love but sometimes it just leads to Great Sex"..Shanna Austin

I both love and hate this sentence equally. The inner delusional romantic in me screams "no-it should always lead to love!) Yet, the truth is sometimes it doesn't. And that may be equally enthralling. Great sex is often hard to come by.

Yet there is a jumping off point. What if emotions are already heavily involved? This is where lines may become blurred. In a perfect world two people who just want great sex meet each other and fuck-no ties, no expectations.  No messiness. Often however this isn't how it works. Don't get me wrong, the former "Gina Sometimes" is capable of having sex without expectations but it's known up front.  Easy, fun. I have a friend with whom this is an absolute given. We can (and have in the past) have fabulous sex and that's that. He goes back to his life and I go back to mine. But if I dig deep enough and confide my inner most secrets, I have found that the best kind of sex is where emotions are involved and there is at least a considerable percentage that it's actually going to progress into something more. Again this too is a rarity I've only experienced with few people( mainly my ex husbands. And although we are now divorced, it still clearly progressed).  

Which leads me to this...do I dare allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable? It's terrifying. I'd rather know up front--is this simply just for fun or is this possibly the real deal. I don't know the answer which is why crushes are called just that. You may become crushed to death. In the end I would have to say jump in. Maybe not all the way-just test the waters. 

List #934938488394893

Without question I will be repeating myself, however, it's been a long time.  So here it goes:
1. Fall is my favorite season. Pumpkins, fallen leaves, and beauty is apparent everywhere.
2. I hate Chinese food and Sushi.  I've tried it.  I just can't (no further explanation needed)..
3. Pizza is my downfall.  When my son orders it I insist he orders it from Papa John's as I do not like their sauce.  Luckily it's his favorite.
4. I have lost weight.  I still have more to go (ugh it's a process). 
5. I have rediscovered myself-my passion for all things.  This has been a true awakening.  I am blessed beyond measure.
6. I have unexpectedly found another person I connect with on many levels.  This is both thrilling and frightening.  Vulnerability will always be challenging for me.
7. My son is in high school. He is 5'11 and wears a size 14 shoe.  How has this happened?
8. I have truly missed writing.  It is cathartic as well as an outlet for creative expression.
9. I have not been on a first date in four years.
10. Although I've yet to meet her in person, one of my coworkers is one of my best friends.  I owe her a lot.  Especially now.
11. If Trump wins I may have to move to Canada.  God please no.  Just no.
12. AA has saved my life. 
13. I need to remember to "Let go and Let God"
14. Thanks to Dina I am now a Rustic Cuff fan.  I could choke her.  They are addictive. 
15. I am spending the night with my youngest sister tomorrow night as my mother will be out of town.  I know I will get no sleep.
16. My son and I are volunteering at Pets Smart Saturday morning.  Please please do not let me fall in love with any of the animals.  We have room for no more.
17. I love afternoon naps.
18. Black remains my go to with clothing and nails.  Not gothic just classy.
19. I still smoke.  Dammit. 
20. I love my job.  I get to help people everyday. 
21. I would like to teach an intro to social work course.  Note to self: contact university. 
22. Truthfully I would have no time.  I'd actually prefer to return to school.  I love it.
23. I cannot tolerate dishonesty and infidelity. 
24. My favorite lipstick has been discontinued.  Damn you Maybelline. 
25. I sometimes cuss.  I know this is unbecoming.
26. So I like this person a lot.  More will be revealed in time.
27. Henry our hedgehog has a new home (he was returned to the breeder who wanted him back).  Turns out hedgehogs aren't that friendly. 
28. I love the smell of lavender and flowers.  And Gain (as in the detergent).  I know I am a total weirdo. 
29. I still love to read.
30. The documentary "I AM" is the best documentary I have ever seen.
31. My time at the library is up.  They are giving me the evil eye.  I must go.

Eyes Wide Open

I now realize I was becoming spiritually sick during the latter part of my marriage.   It's only in hindsight I now see I had become withdrawn in multiple ways.  Looking back I now see their was little emotional intimacy (not for lack of trying).  Sleeping in separate beds for the last year should have been my first clue.  There were other red flags.  Sex was a rarity (well at least with me anyways).  Little affection and lack of intimacy are now apparent.  I was slowly withering away.  With that said, he claimed to worship me and in many ways attempted to express this in his indescribable charming manner.  Today I sincerely believe he remains in love with me and would do anything to get me back (though no doubt would eventually return to his womanizing ways).  He has some sort of brokenness that I for one cannot fix (and perhaps he is incapable as well).  I am often asked "how are you doing so well?"  I am doing well because I realized shortly after our separation the marriage was a façade-a mere illusion.  How could I possibly love a man I never really knew?  I don't know this person.  Yes,  I grieved the loss of a dream, however, it was short lived.  I had felt hoodwinked.  In fact I applaud his ingenuity (insert Rhianna's song "Take a Bow").  I have since reconnected with who I was before I became disillusioned and disconnected.  I have reignited a fire within myself that had been slowly smoldering.  To put it simply, I have found myself once again.  And I like her. 

Twist and Turns

Life occasionally throws some curveballs. It's expected. It's life. But I didn't just get thrown a curveball-I was flat out knocked out. Unconscious one might say. I discovered my husband's well hidden infidelity. I won't disclose the details (that's his story to tell, not mine), however I will state it was lengthy. Shocked and left reeling was my initial state. Then of course I commenced to progress through the well known steps of grieving (shock, denial, anger, etc). I am choosing to also keep those details to myself. What I will say is that I now feel stronger, tougher, and more whole. It's a process. I must daily deal with the fact that though I thought I was happily married, my husband was leading a double life. I hold no blame or anger towards these women. They were simply seduced by a man who is both charming and alluring. He is hard to resist- it's a magnetic pull I cannot describe. Now  that the smoke and mirrors are gone I see him clearly for the first time. I feel sorry for him. This is a pattern of behavior that he cannot escape. What a lonely life that must be.