Rain

"Rolling like thunder under the covers...."

-Elton John 

It's raining outside. 

I find great comfort in the storms. 

Water washes away the sins of the past. 

It's baptism-it's renewal. 

Rain hitting the roof makes me feel soothed and safe. Rain is the best time to make love. 

Rain invigorates my soul.

Rain invites me into her outstretched arms.

I was standing in the rain when I had my first kiss.

Rain is steady yet unpredictable.

Thunder excites me. 

Lightening crashed electrifies me.

I need to be around water as badly as I need to take my next breath.

An exercise in writing

Princess

"she wasn't looking for a knight

she was looking for a sword"

-Atticus

When I was a young girl, I discovered I had three beauty marks which formed a traingle. I pretended this mark meant I was a secret princess who would one day be rediscovered. Apparently this princess complex extended to an even earlier age. The proof? Halloween pictures in which I wore a pink dress complete with a shining crown.

Looking back I now wonder was this an innocent fixation? Perhaps I just liked shiny crowns and therefore wanted to wear one. Or maybe I sought refuge? Perhaps I sought escape from my childhood environment. Whatever the reason I later began carefully constructing a tall tower. One in which only I could stand in. No entrances-completely safe. Was I a princess waiting to be rescued by a hero? Perhaps in my late teens and early twenties this was true. However that would change. My tower was reconstructed-completely impenatrable. I had learned that would be heroes may in fact be cleverly disguised dragons waiting to burn me alive. 

This princess craved isolation. Later driven mad by the thoughts in her head she sought numbness-anything to try and kill the pain. Alcohol became her refuge. This princess alone in this tower of her own making became insane. Still she would not surrender. The strong walls temporarily kept all people out. Then came the day the walls began to crumble. She finally surrendered.

And though this princess is no longer insane she is still fearful to let anyone get too close out of fear she will be scorched once more. It is a hard life long habit to break. And when her heart is broken she begins to build the walls once more brick by brick. She remains scared. But she is now brave and will fight to keep the walls down. Courage is now the mark she wears.

Humanities

"We cannot escape the human condition".

That's a powerful statement. I could choose to address this for me personally, on society as a whole, or even on a global level. For the purpose of this blog, I have elected to apply it directly to myself personally.

I think we can all agree that no one leaves this world alive.  So what does this statement really mean? While I could still narrow the statement down further on how it applies to death or politics, I am going to go deeper than that. We can all agree that human beings suffer on many different levels. Many unjustly at that. For me, it means a lot of different things and not necessarily in a negative connotation. After all, You cannot recognize light without first experiencing darkness. 

Perhaps my darkest days were that in which I was drinking. Through copious amounts of alcohol I tried to sever my connection with the outside world. It didn't work. I hurt not only myself but others as well. Which brings me to this-what exactly was I trying to shut out? I suppose I would have to say the conditions which all people face. I slammed the door shut on friends, family, coworkers, institutions and myself. Still it begs the question why? The general answer is sickness. Illness. Despair. Was I suicidal? No, not in the traditional sense (though I hoped for death in the end).

What I didn't realize then and have only begun to realize in the last four a half years is that life is the human condition. While we may try to avoid it, run from it, or hide altogether it cannot be escaped. The reality is that life is one big, messy, and beautiful mess. Humanity is one big, messy, and beautiful mess. I am learning to embrace life for what it is. It is beauty and it is pain. It is both easy and hard. Through the pain of my divorce, I have received the most loveliest of gifts.

One of my favorite quotes by Anais Nin describes life eloquently when she wrote:

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom".

Isn't that exactly what life is? Holding on to pain out of pure fear before accepting the beauty of surrender.

The girl with the tattoos

I've written about it before. Parents expect their son to bring home a wholesome girl next door (such as Jennifer Aniston) but are surprised when they instead get a scary Angelina Jolie. 

Yes, I'm that girl. During my years of trying to discover who I am I tried on multiple roles and preppy girl next door was one of them. At that time I fit that mold beautifully. I was a nanny for a wealthy family and it was expected. I'm grateful for that experience. As a result I acquired impeccable manners, grace, poise, and charm. 

I still possess those same traits but the real me is not in any way preppy. I am me. Finally in my late thirties I am comfortable in my own skin. Do I have tattoos? Yes, because each one means something to me. I wear black nail polish. I think it's classy. I almost always wear black-not because I'm morbidly sad but because it's who I am. I love who I am today. I love my life. 

So while I appear to be an Angelina Jolie, I'm actually a mixture of all past roles. There is no one mold fits all. People are often surprised when they get to know me. They discover that the girl with the tattoos is smart and has a great sense of humor. The point is you truly can't judge a book by its cover. The pages inside might surprise you.

Winter

1. Women's boots. I love them.

2. Long loopy scarves.

3. Snuggling on the couch.

4. Hot chocolate. 

5. Holidays.

6. Holiday movies.

7. Decorations.

8. Winter coats.

9. Snow falling.

10. Fireplaces.

No Reservation

I've looked for you everywhere.

This man who crushes me with his stare.

This man  I've longed for late at night.

This man who sets fire to my light.

Lost in his eyes I let go and fall.

Drowning in the anticipation of it all.

This man who holds my heart.

I'll risk it all from the start.

There is no hesitation.

I am in without reservation.

Absolution

"Forgive me father for I have sinned."

"How long has it been since your last confession?"

"Umm....one million years...."

I grew up Catholic and attended Catholic schools. I have great respect for Catholicism though I no longer practice that type of faith. That is not the point of this blog. And yet...this type of upbringing helped to shape me into who I am today. I have been cursed (blessed?) with the world's biggest conscience. But what does that really mean? I often immediately confess my wrongdoings to someone (note: I sometimes am confessing to someone who is a friend and not actually to the person I have wronged).  Which leads me to honesty. What does honesty even look like? I can certainly tell you what dishonesty is. After much thought and consideration, I would define honesty as being true to yourself. To intuitively know what is right or wrong. Honesty means living an authentic life. Honesty (like love) cannot exist with another human being until you've mastered these things within yourself and for yourself. Honesty means to honor yourself as well as others. It's expressing wonderful things such as love or hurtful news such as heartbreak. Honestly in relationships is vital yet often overlooked. To live an authentic life, a person must learn to distinguish the truth from the justifications which can be easily created in the mind. Honesty can be and in my opinion is a gift should we choose to embrace it. The point is that truth will always set you free.