He loves me, he loves me not

Surely we all remember the childhood game of pulling out each flower petal and repeating he loves me, he loves me not until reaching the last petal. Oh how we longed for the last remaining petal to say he loved us. If only love were that simplistic. It's not. I still miss him. Does he miss me? I couldn't say. I still love him but can't say whether I'm still in love with him. I don't know. 

Insomnia

Insomnia:  an inability to sleep

Need I say more.

The Cat's Meow

Grief: to mourn; to be sorrowful

I found out today that my sweet, furry, chunky "Baby" died. She had cancer and was subsequently put to sleep. To say I am grieving is an understatement. The loss of three cats (and dear Alley in particular) in 5 months is overwhelming. Initially, I cried for her. She was so very cuddly and sweet. After the end of my marriage she was my bed buddy-a warm little body cozied up next to mine. I am not sure what gift or life lesson there is to to be learned by experiencing so much pain and loss in such a small time frame. I am okay. I work hard to keep peace and centerdness in my life today (albeit it's been a rough couple months). I feel honored to have known Baby and to have played a small role in rescuing her. She rescued me too. A lot of tears were shed while she sat comforting me. I'll never forget that huge gift she gave to me.  I wish I'd been there...one last purr and to say goodbye. I will heal from this. I am sitting with the pain....remembering to lean in rather than out. Perhaps that's God's plan-maintain peace while walking through grief. Thank you God for the honor of meeting such a sweet soul. My dearest please say hello to Alley and Max for me. I miss you all.

Hole World To See

Void (noun): A completely empty space.

I stood before myself-stripped naked baring my soul for all to see. It was terrifying as I once felt a hole so large I thought I'd fall into it. A hole that I now realize was merely an illusion. I am slowly learning that "I am that which I am seeking." It is a relief. As I sit alone in my new favorite coffee shop (in Lexington of all places) I am at ease. I am at peace. Peace of mind is priceless. I am rarely lonely-if anything I am a loner to a fault. I feel centered today and for that I am grateful. Thank you God for some of the interesting people I've met recently-my now dear Friend from India who has lived all over the world. He is so enthusiastic for life it's contagious. We are purely platonic friends but he has shown me cultural differences and meditation techniques. I am learning the world is so much larger than I imagined. I want to travel the world and will one day do so. I've crept out of my comfort zone no longer being a homebody. It is liberating. I discovered "...as we live our lives in chains we never even know we have the keys"....Today I am blessed. I am grateful. I no longer feel a void or hole that needs to be filled. Today I am whole.

*qoutes: Richard Rohr; The Eagles

Miss Him Much

Oh how I miss him...his face, his voice, his touch his scent. My soul is grieving...filled with longing. It hurts-thus, I know truly understand the very real meaning of heart break. My heart has crashed into a million pieces. It can be pieced back together, however, I do not know how long it will take. I weep as I write these words. I try to stay busy-attending extra meetings and doing service work-anything to speed up time. I stare at the closet where his clothes once hung. I have become shameless-texting and reaching out when I shouldn't. I have never been this weak person. I am accustomed to being strong-walking away...no contact and a clean break. Alas, I have walked into unknown territory. I long for his response though it rarely comes. Should I continue sending him my blogs? I don't know-he initially said yes.  My lead is next Monday...I am incredibly nervous about it. I want him there for support but suspect he will not come. Oh how I miss him. God please remove this or show me the gift in that which has occurred.

Siphon

Siphon: to slowly remove or lose

Looking back I did exactly what my former therapist warned me to avoid-I slowly let pieces of myself  go simply to placate my former partner. This is not his fault. Rather, I compromised and just went along. In the end I can now see it as a past resentment on my end. He made all the decisions-when to visit and when to leave, what to do and when to do it. I gave away all of my power and that's likely part of why it ended. Don't get me wrong-I wasn't faking or pretending to be someone I'm not. I simply did not want to make things "complicated" knowing he'd flee if I did. And that's what happened during the two months of a pure personal hell for me. It's not that I wasn't enough for him-rather, I was too much. That's ok. That's where he's at in his life right now. I accept that. I think the relationship was healthy over all. We did the best we could at any given moment. I miss him but respect and honor his decision to walk away. I sincerely hope he misses me too-that I meant something important to him. I hope down the road he continues to feel he made the right decision in the end. I wish him great happiness and grieve it will be a life without me in it. But the truth is if he wanted to be with me he would. And he isn't.

Finite

This time it's goodbye. To be completely transparent, it's been the long goodbye for some time now. For him it became too complicated-too messy. I get it. I was the reckless tornado for two months. I thought our love was enough-that it would persevere. It did not. I accept it. I'm okay with it. The relationship taught me many things and revealed many gifts-from healthy relationships to a final healthy adult ending.  The heart of the matter is that if he wanted to be with me he would be. And he's not. That's it. That's the bottom line.