Miss No-Longer Afraid

"When Miss Independent walked away
 No time for love that came her way
 She looked in the mirror and thought today
 What happened to Miss No-longer-afraid?"
"It took some time for her to see
 How beautiful love could truly be
 No more talk of, "Why can’t that be me?"
 I’m so glad I finally see"
 -Kelly Clarkson

Cautious, distrustful, reluctant- all of these adjectives adequately described my views on love and happiness-that is, until recently.  Although there are likely a multitude of reasons that contributed to my recently changed views, I believe personal growth is the main contributing factor.  I have been working very hard at breaking down emotional barriers I created long ago (the same barriers I vowed never to break down all in the name of "self-protection").  Though it's cliche, I truly do believe "like attracts like" and that "you  are the company that you keep"....which isn't necessarily a bad thing...unless you happen to be at an emotionally unhealthy place in your life.  Unfortunately, I was caught in the midst of emotional toxicity for many years and it has only been through diligent and concentrated efforts, that I finally began to make significant progress. This is not to suggest that I have conquered all of my demons or that I do not have to continue working on myself (as I am well aware this will be a life long process).  What I did not expect is for all of the hard work to so quickly begin producing such amazing results.  Until now, I did not realize that once I arrived at a healthy, happy place that it would in turn attract others who are there as well.  In short, my "What a Girl Wants" blog has materialized (shocking I know- I mean have you read all of the *monumental* qualifications I penned?)   Nonetheless, it has happened...I've been swept off my feet...

Can't Buy Me Love...

Say you don't need no diamond rings
And I'll be satisfied
Tell me that you want the kind of things
That money just can't buy
I don't care too much for money
Money can't buy me love
-The Beatles

I have known people throughout the years who have pursued wealth firmly believing it to be a sure path to true happiness.  My own experiences with wealth not only disproves this notion, it also suggest a link between money and unhappiness.   For example, one of my first serious relationship's in high school was with a guy whose father was a self made multimillionaire.  Initially I was swept away by their luxurious lifestyle-an Olympic size indoor swimming pool, multiple Mercedes (as well as a plethora of other expensive vehicles), vacation homes, a private Lear jet, etc.  However, despite their lavish lifestyle it quickly became apparent this family was not only miserable but also highly dysfunctional.  With that said, why do Americans buy into the propaganda that great wealth creates happiness?  Personally I believe it's pushed upon us from every angle- commercials, tabloid magazines, etc.  Materialism is worshiped if not downright glorified in our society.  In fact, American consumers are continuously encouraged to consume more, want more, and that bigger is better- all of which presumably leads to happiness.  I beg to differ.  As a child (up until the age of twelve), my parents were able to provide a comfortable, upper-class lifestyle however, when they divorced, we were catapulted into a different world (to say nothing of an entirely different socioeconomic class).  Yet despite the new circumstances we found ourselves in, our family grew closer-learning to appreciate the smaller things in life.  Without this experience it is unlikely I would have come to know the true value of family and what happiness really means.  This is not to suggest that money is not valuable or that it's wrong to be wealthy, rather, it all comes down to one's perspective.  I do believe money and happiness can coincide, however, I do not think having one necessarily demands you need the other in order to be happy.  As others read this they may wonder what prompted me to blog about this particular issue and I can only respond by saying that it's because I believe happiness can only be found in the present moment.  If a person lives only for tomorrow, they will never appreciate what exist today.  It is only by living in each moment that a person can come to know real happiness.  After all, we are only promised today.  

I Wish I Knew Then What I Know Now...

Dear Self-

Never compromise or self sacrifice who you truly are.

It's okay to have high standards- you really are worth it.

Never settle (there is more out there and you will find it much sooner than you think).

Love really is all you need. 

Dare to dream--and in fact, dream big.

Continue dismantling your emotional brick walls--it's a sure path to true happiness. 

There is no shame in failing--only shame in never trying.

Stop over analyzing....accept things as they are (it really is what it is). 

Fairy tales do exist.

Humor really is the best medicine.

Take risks because eventually they pay off.

Embrace adventures-you never know where they might lead you.

Dare to love with complete abandon.

Pay attention- there are miracles occurring around you every day.

Never stop writing-it's your best creative outlet.

Be kind and good to yourself.

Work hard at maintaining conscious contact with your higher power.

Remember power, control and fear are nothing more than illusions.

Keep an open mind.

Love deeply and give freely.

The Chronicles of Charlie

Dear Mommy-

I'm sorry I chewed up the toothbrush...okay, I admit it-I didn't just chew it up, I ate the entire bristled head.  And since I'm already in trouble--I mean apologizing, I'm also sorry for keeping you awake the last few nights.  For some inexplicable reason I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night with the uncontrollable urge to pounce on your face.  Between you and me, I think I've got some impulse control issues in addition to my PICA.

I love you mommy,

Charlie

Scattered

Fall is my favorite season....tall, stylish boots, soft, twirly scarves, orchards, pumpkins, Halloween, haunted houses-what more could one ask for?

Paradox: I love the look of a man's five o'clock shadow but I can't tolerate facial hair against my face (it causes my sensitive skin to turn red and blotchy, not to mention it just plain hurts)

For the majority of my life I have despised the smell and taste of coffee flavored anything...this all changed when I discovered McDonald's non-fat vanilla lattes (sorry Starbucks-you don't even come in as a close second)

Super Sized Blow Pops are my go to for sugar fixes (with Blue Raspberry being my favorite flavor)...

I think the 1980's rocked the best candy ever (think pixie sticks, lemon heads, fun-dip, pop rocks, etc.)

My favorite flowers are lilies (I think they look and smell the prettiest)

There is no such thing as paying too much for perfume or cologne (smelling delicious is priceless)

I think 68 degrees is the perfect indoor temperature (my mother begs to differ...what can I say?  I must have been an Eskimo in a former life :)

Pure Beech sheets are pure heaven- and thanks to my sister Amanda I can no longer sleep on anything else...

Neutrogena "Rain" is the best bubble bath on the market
I love lavender scented lotions...there's simply something soothing about it

I think less is more (especially when it comes to makeup)

I've always longed to have blue eyes

I love my dog but if she doesn't stop jumping on my head (throughout the night) she is going to be banned from the bedroom

Falling off the balance beam...

In one of my recent blogs I questioned whether friends can be lovers (even just for a night) then return to being friends.  Although I suspect the answer is an emphatic no, I’m in no way volunteering myself to find out (not even for the sake of satisfying my…ahem…curiosity as to whether it’s indeed possible--sorry boys, I’m just not that kind of girl).  Which brings me to my next topic- sleeping with an ex and the implications (or fallout) that comes with it?  While my personal love life (or lack thereof) is no one’s business but my own, I (grudgingly) admit I have some insight in this area.  To be more specific, I was recently under the assumption Matt and I could keep our friendship intact despite our breakup (what a terribly wrong assumption on my part).   Although Matt and I will in all likelihood be able to resume our friendship eventually, I cannot be his friend right now (no matter how painful the loss of his companionship is at this time).  I have rarely been the person who’s been broken up with (I was a “love ‘em and leave ‘em” kind of girl- or better yet—I was the “I’ll leave you before you have the chance to leave me” kind of girl (rest assured these are past issues thanks to maturity and years of therapy).  With that said, I now realize that the person who actually initiates the breakup is in a far different place than the person being broken up with (funny how being on the recieving end changes one's perspective).  It’s simply not possible for me to be around Matt right now because I do not yet have the emotional distance, healing or closure to be able to perceive (as well as interact) with him as a friend only.  I will get there eventually but it’s going to take time….which is difficult because it means I didn’t just lose my partner, I’ve also (at least temporarily) lost my best friend.  Despite knowing our breakup is the right course of action (we just don’t want the same “deal breaker” type things), it’s still very, very hard.  I miss him.  In fact, this breakup seems harder than most-perhaps because it didn’t end over a horribly hurtful event (i.e. cheating, etc.) in which it’s possible to hate the other person (nothing like rage to motivate a person to move on).  In fact, it ended on good terms, even loving terms which to me is the hardest way to end it at all.

The Art of Balancing

Finding a balance between what Matt and I once were and what we are now is challenging.  I've always been the type of person who (when something shocking or traumatic happens ) immediately shifts into survival mode- taking care of what needs to be taken care of, etc.  This trait must be innate as I have operated in this manner as far back as I can remember- it isn't a choice-rather, it's an automatic response with no forethought on my part.  My automatic reaction when faced with a crisis (while everyone else is falling apart)is to go on auto pilot until the crisis is stabilized.  Unfortunately, this means that once some sort of equilibrium is found, I finally give myself permission to fall apart (translation-everyone else has already processed the crisis right when I am just beginning to acknowledge a crisis even occurred).  This type of "fight or flight" response is ideal say if there were a terrorist attack or some sort of other cataclysmic event, however, it's far from ideal in a lot of other situations.  Which brings me to this- while Matt is continuing to grieve/process our breakup (and has been for several weeks now), it has only hit me in the last twenty-four hours that our relationship is truly over.  At the time we broke up I felt relief and pride- I was so proud of Matt for finally choosing himself and voicing what he needed in order to be happy (things I would never be capable of providing).  Now that a few weeks have passed, the reality of the dissolution of our relationship is just now hitting me.  Although I know beyond a doubt that ending the relationship was the right thing to do, it does nothing to lessen the grief.  At this time, I simply need time and space to allow myself to heal and move on- I know (as with all things) it will get better in time.