May

I am astonished I have not written since December. Chalk it up to sheer business. While I love my second job as a therapist, working 50 hours a week is taxing. Nearly four months in and I am still adjusting. A lot has changed. By the grace of God, I recently picked up my 8 month chip. What a blessing. In addition, I finally got over the narccistic man I dated through December. Such painful but important lessons learned. I have dated a couple of men but I have not been all in. For the first time (thanks to my sponsor and a lot of AA homework) I finally feel whole. It is only a beginning but it continues to feel alien. I am not jaded or necessarily disillusioned. Rather, I would prefer to remain single than to settle or make concessions. I am enough. I have known this on an intellectual level but finally I am beginning to feel it. It is no longer something I have to force or fight. Today I am grateful. I feel blessed. I feel centered and balanced. I confess I need to practice better self care (I am entirely too thin). It is a work in progress. I am so thankful for my group of girlfriends (especially my best girlfriend, Stevie. She is truly my twin soul). Naturally I fall short at times. I accept I am a flawed human being. I continue to work on one of my biggest and deeply rooted character defects-dishonesty (which usually manifest itself as lies of omission). It is only by working the steps that I could even begin to see how much dishonesty littered my life. I had no awareness. I had no idea that I had so many issues never addressed during my first taste of sobriety. It has only been through working the 10th and 11th steps for the first time that I am gaining that awareness. This program is so much more than not drinking. I truly had no idea. I cannot believe I have been given a spiritual program for living. It is a true miracle. And as I sit here listening to my son play his music I understand it is the smallest of things which will always matter most. 

Acceptance

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems.

I repeat this mantra daily (at times, hourly). I am working hard to accept what is. Trying to control people, places, and thing is futile. The moment I try I begin paddling against a strong current. It is exhausting. I am trying to perfect the art of accepting people where they are at and not where I want them to be. I am striving to show compassion to those who behave in sick ways. It is not personal-the issue lies within them and has nothing to do with me personally. The world does not revolve around me. 

#serenityprayer

Santa Baby...

The Ledge

I can promise you that you will have to talk me down from the ledge. Repeatedly. It is a guarantee. I have a tendency to flee when I feel emotionally vulnerable. I call it self-preservation. I will try to escape the moment my walls start to crack. It is my (albeit unhealthy) knee jerk reaction. Thus far you have succeeded in coaxing me back down. Sometime in the future you will have to do it again. My trust is a tentative thing. I do not share it easily. I will search for all of the reasons we should not be together while minimizing the reasons we should. I easily feel exposed. It is a result of past trauma. At times it has served its purpose. But a life preserver can quickly turn into a self suffocating device. It can lead to drowning when simply standing up could deliver me safely to shore. I will do my best to let you in despite the risks. I know your history. I am not blind. But I also recognize the possibilities despite the shortcomings we possess. Life is a journey not a destination.

Sweet Home Alabama

Dear Alabama,

Thank you. You inspired a deeply red state to elect a Democrat for the first time in nearly 25 years. You have given us hope amongst a country which has been fueled by rampant racism, bigotry, discrimination, sexism, and blatant sexual harassment and assault. You have lit a torch for all to see. You have sent a deep and clear message that there are some things we simply cannot ignore. For the first time in a long time I have hope again. You have restored my faith in humanity. You have demonstrated that we as a nation can accomplish peace and justice. We can and we will rise. My heartfelt gratitude is over flowing. Thank you for lighting the match. May you be the first of many.

Happy 18th

Happy, happy birthday doll! Welcome to adulthood.

Sister Soul

I have often struggled with female relationships. Even as a teen I gravitated towards male friendships. It was easier and less complicated. What I am continuing to learn is that there is something truly precious about sisterhood. We lift each other up. We inspire each other. We have a shared identification. There are so many women in my life today who are showing me how strong female bonds can be. I am truly grateful. Thank you ladies for loving me back to life.