Reminders

1. It may be time to purchase new perfume when my back up perfume is practically choking me out. 

2. Black will always be my signature color. I offer no apologies. 

3. My bracelet from my friends "Fall seven times. Stand up eight" is my most treasured piece of jewelry.

4. When I do not want to do something is usually the best indicator I should.

5. And I usually will. Sometimes begrudgingly.

6. Exercise always makes me feel better. On every level.

7. I need to continue to pray more.

8. Never cut my hair too short...I will always regret it and grieve. Always.

9. I think candles are romantic.

10. I'm too sensitive for my own good. 

11. I suffer from an immediate compulsion to confess. I'm sure there's a psychological term for it.

12.  Writing comes in waves. I can't force or ignore it.

13. Peonies are hands down my favorite summer flower.

14. I very much dislike humidity. Sorry Florida.

15. Red Bull is still my favorite drink though it contains chemicals I can't pronounce.

16. Getting sober is my greatest accomplishment followed closely by being a mom.

17. I have not read a novel in a very long time.  

18.  I wish upon the first star I see every night. I have for decades and likely always will. They're magical.

19. I wish for world peace and peace of mind. Both are priceless.

20. I am a great speller and derive much satisfaction when spell check finds no errors.

21. My cat meows at me when it's time for work or bed. I love her.

22. I am in my first healthy romantic adult relationship. Ever.

23. I smoke too much.

24. I love well done tattoos. 

25. I am learning to love without attachment in all things. It's hard. 

26. I find humor in most situations.

27. I am fairly good at putting things together. Most of the time there aren't parts left over.

28. I find comfort in routine.

29. My 20 year high school reunion is this year. In some ways high school feels like it ended last week.

30. I prefer male friendships to female but am much closer to female friends.

31. I could make lists for hours. 

32. I'd forgotten how good Alanis Morrisette's album Jagged Little Pill really is. 

33. I am a nervous car rider. 

34. I love it when my boyfriend sings. Especially when he doesn't know the words.

So I Walked

I woke up at 6:30 AM on this quiet Sunday morning. I'm tired. I stayed up too late. No matter, my body is conditioned to practically rise with the sun. So I walked. I walked for the sheer celebration of movement. I walked to clear the cobwebs in my head. I walked for those I am praying for. I walked for my imagination. I walked for the red cardinal who danced before me ever reminding me of loved ones passed. I walked to discover joy in the smallest of things. I walked for the worms I am compelled to save (the poor things would have been burned up by the sun. I have and will always stop and move them into the blessedly cool green grass). I walked for peace of mind. I walked so that I could listen to good music. I walked for the gift of sobriety. I walked for love and I walked for laughter. Thank you God for allowing me to see so many thing by taking just a few simple steps. 

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

I consider myself to be a private person yet an open book once I get to know someone. This is both a gift and a curse. I must vigilantly remind myself that many people (in fact, likely most) are not. It's a hard concept for me to grasp-that is, just because I am open doesn't mean that others are. It's a misconception on my part. I wish I could continuously hold on to that important and many times painful lesson. Alas, I fall short. As a result I find myself falsely comforted with a sense of security that is perhaps fabricated by my own making.  Though baffled each time I do my best not to judge others. Perhaps I need to learn to reexamine boundaries in all of my relationships on an ongoing basis. If not, I find I've set myself up for disappointment.  I should never assume. I need to learn that when people show you (and tell you) who they are and what their expectations are I need to listen. I've lulled myself into routine and comfort which can often be a dangerous combination. I conquered my jealousy and control demons long ago (no easy feat and it took years which included lots of heartache and hard work). I am trying to feel that I am not shut out. It isn't easy. I respect other people's choices. I must work on myself because I feel that I've personally taken many steps back due to fear and caution. This is my pattern. When my feelings are hurt and I've misinterpreted boundaries and expectations I want to flee (the classic fight or flight response). This time I've chosen prayer. I choose to listen not only to my own intuition but more importantly to God. Acceptance is the answer to all my problems. This not to suggest acceptance without action is sometimes warranted. At present I am mad at myself. Some days that's all there is and I'm learning to let go and let God. God holds me always.