Shenanigans

Alley may have moved on but she will certainly never be forgotten. Alley was adventurous and often brought me along on her escapades. Here are but a few of her shenanigans:

1. She brought in snakes at my previous residences (both of which had a cat door). Note: she did not kill them. Rather she dropped them off in my office or put them under rugs. I am not afraid of snakes but finding live ones in the house is pretty terrifying.

2. She brought me mice from outside (which she carried inside via the cat door).  These she did play with (AKA torture). I saved the lives of some...unfortunately some were too far gone.

3. She brought me birds. She was a hunter and proudly dropped off her trophies to me. Horrifying. 

4. At my current residence she brought me baby moles. Alas, they received the same treatment as the mice. 

5. At my last residence she would often jump into the basement ceiling above my office. Most times she couldn't get down and at one point dropped through the ceiling when standing on an unsteady panel. (Note: it is difficult if not downright impossible to get a cat out of the ceiling). 

6. She recently went missing for 24 hours after managing to escape the backyard. It took a fire fighter's extended ladder and 30 minutes to coax her down. (Note: the ladder was about two stories high. It was rather alarming when the firefighter/neighbor instructed me to lean to the right if I felt the ladder was becoming unsteady).

7. She enjoyed "working" with me. This often entailed standing directly in front of the computer screen or laying on my key board. (Note: she sent out a lot of IM's to my coworkers).

8. She cried/spoke to me when she knew it was my bedtime. How she knew I'll never know.

Alley you were certainly a wonderful and exciting adventure partner. I look forward to our future endeavors. 

Disturbia

"It's a thief in the night
To come and grab you
It can creep up inside you
And consume you
A disease of the mind
It can control you
It's too close for comfort"

-Rihanna "Disturbia"

For six weeks I unknowingly lived in a mind filled with disturbia. In hindsight the subtly is clear, but it's nearly impossible to recognize it's gripping tentacles at the onset. Mental illness is unfortunately taboo to this day. I am one of the lucky ones as medication removes the insidious monsters. Oh, but first there is destruction which affects not only one's self but loved ones as well. Only when it recedes do the clouds lift-but there is wreckage which must be addressed. If one is lucky there are people in their lives who understand, empathize, and forgive. Again I am fortunate. One whom I love dearly came to support me when I needed him most despite my destructiveness during those long endless weeks. This is a message of hope. No one (and I scream no one) has to live that way permanently. There is help if one is brave enough to seek it out. I implore others suffering to reach out. For the first time in weeks I feel "normal". Dear God what a blessing. Dear family, friends, and loved ones please reach out with love and kindness when you see a person you love behaving out of character. In my case it is the first red flag. Impulsivity and extreme mood swings soon follow. Although I do not have a diagnosis of Bipolar disease, I do have a mood disorder likely exacerbated by hormones which change in women as they age. Dual diagnosis nearly always goes hand in hand with alcoholism and addiction. We initially try to self medicate which then turns on us at a certain point. I hope I have repaired the damage I created during those haunting weeks. I hope I never have to live in the hellishness again. Fortunately my awareness has greatly improved but I admit I am unable to recognize it at first. But there is hope. There is always hope. Thank you God for placing people in my life who understand and are forgiving. Thank you God for lifting the clouds when my sweet Alley was dying. It is grace and God who will save us if only we ask for his  help.

Let Freedom Ring

She is free. She has left her cancer ridden body. She fulfilled her purpose in life-she chose me and I chose her. She taught me many important lessons-patience, persistence, and unconditional love. She was there at my side during some of the greatest losses and painful moments in my life. My dear shadow who protected me fiercely. Her spirit has returned to the source of all things. Perhaps she will re-enter my life some day. Or perhaps she will return and bring joy into a new person's life. As much as it hurt, I loved her enough to let her go. Suffering is no way to live. My dear sweet Alley I will miss you so very much. My heart aches because I loved you with all that I am. You left this world peacefully and for that I am so very grateful. I will receive your ashes next week. Rather than keeping your ashes in a box, I will one day sprinkle your ashes. Perhaps this will occur in the ocean-where it too is wild, forceful, and free. Thank you for the three years you stood by side. I cannot put into words how much strength you gave me. Though you are gone, I still feel your presence and it whispers "I am free". Thank you for finding a way to bring me comfort in my grief. My dearest most loyal companion has been freed.  I am certain we shall meet again. I love you. Fly and soar for you are no longer bound to this world. 

I Am

During the last two months I became lost. It was subtle and snuck in quietly into my life. I became mentally ill (it happens once a year and generally takes me several weeks before I recognize it (unfortunately it used to take me years for me to realize it). It frightens me. It's as if invisible monsters wreak havoc into my life. I become a tornado and rip up everything around me. I am temporarily destructive without first realizing it. As a result I have severely damaged (if not completely destroyed my relationship with my (former?) boyfriend. I acted completely out of character. I hurt and miss him deeply. I complicated both my life and his. When I am healthy I am the real me- serene, simple, centered, and peaceful. As a result I may have lost our relationship forever. I blame my illness. I didn't realize or know how to communicate this to him and others. It is difficult for people to understand these insidious monsters that visit each year. I am trying to not feel ashamed by something I have no control of one month out of each year. When living with others they were able to point it out. Today I realize I must immediately visit my psychiatrist (as it's usually related to a medication adjustment). To further complicate matters I've experienced great losses (the timing couldn't be worse). I was then violated and betrayed by a person I loved dearly. This is not the poor me's. Rather it's life. It just happens. Even my routine changing during this time period (figuring out my son's ever changing work schedule and needs for transportation further complicated things and temporarily threw me off balance).  To summarize it's been a challenging few weeks that have brought me literally to my knees. Crying, surrendering to my higher power. I have cut out toxic people (i.e my ex husband, etc). I am setting appropriate boundaries. Thank you God for helping me awaken at this time. I am actively seeking help from family and loved ones. My prayer life has grown exponentially. I am growing. There are always great gifts that arise out of great pain. I am learning to ask for help (something that has always been so challenging).  I am making progress-I have reached out to my sponsor to begin meeting  weekly. I see my psychiatrist this week. I continuously hit my knees throughout the day praying. When I did my fifth step again it released a lot of emotions- I cried for days. But then came the healing of letting go. Today I am grateful. I am returning to my normal self. It's a process not magic. I sincerely apologize to those who were touched by the monsters. Today I Am me. Thank you God for jerking me out of the monsterous hell. Thank you for the me I Am today.

Gold Star

Porn is a taboo topic for a multitude of reasons. I get it. My purpose is to enlighten versus promote or bash. I've done some research. Surprisingly a staggering amount of women enjoy porn of some variety (preferences differ wildly). As a woman I can definitively say porn is generally rarely discussed amongst a group of women (as for males I honestly don't know).  Personally I enjoy porn on occasion. Why? It's visually stimulating and more importantly,  allows a person to watch a fantasy they'd truly never partake in in real life. What types of porn you might ask? Too personal but I will admit to enjoying various types depending on my mood.