Perfection

“Perfectionism is a response to trauma.” 

Think about that. I have strived for perfectionism in a multitude of ways since childhood. The desire to strive towards achievement is one thing, however, perfectionism is overachievement taken to the extreme. This is one of many deep truths I’ve learned about myself during the past year. 

I don’t know where to begin since I last wrote. An entire year dominated by trauma and loss. Most of which I was a voluntary participant. I was incapable of seeing and accepting things were spiraling. I did not drink but the emotional trauma was in some ways worse than an actual relapse. I was blinded by my own denial of how I wanted things to be rather than facing reality as it was. I cannot believe how emotionally ill I became.. To put it plainly, I was a shell of my former self.

But fret not. Beginning mid March of 2020 I finally had to make a choice-choose or lose myself. There was no in between. Finally the emotional pain brought me to my knees. I would be incapable of remaining sober had I stayed. One had to only look at me to realize something was very, very wrong. Rail thin I was a skeleton of my former self. The further I fell the more my body cried out for help. It began to deteriorate . After all, pain demands to be seen.

I am still processing things. I still feel baffled when I whisper out loud I was in a very manipulative and emotionally abusive relationship. After years of being able to understand why people often stay with their perpetrator. We have become so broken, so beat we cannot break free.

Shadows

I see her. That girl on the couch drunk with a handful of benzodiazepines thrown in for good measure. I see her struggling. I see the blackouts and moments of time she cannot remember no matter how hard she tries. I see her. I know her. I recognize the desperation and the false belief in willpower. I know the depression, loneliness, and full blown panic attacks. I have been her. And I see that no matter how much she wants to get sober, she does not know how to do so yet. I understand the horror at realizing the only way to start is to voluntarly walk into a facility in which the doors are locked behind you once you step inside. I have been there. The facility may be different but all are the same. Detox twice, sober living houses, and 28 day programs. Let this one work. Let there be a long term residential program if that is what it takes. I cannot watch. I will love you and support you but I will not enable. Enabling can lead to death and I cannot participate in that. Please God let her have a spiritual experience which will remove the obsession, compulsion, and desire. We absolutely do recover. I have seen the willingness in her face. Please help her. She is my sister but I truly identify with her because she is one of us. The shared identification is so much stronger than blood. Amanda I love you. I hope this gift of desperation will finally set you free.

It’s a wrap

I have a lot to say but I am struggling to express myself adequately. A lot has transpired in a very short amount of time. Where to start? Allow me to shake things up and start with the good and the gift of gratitude. My heart swells with pride that one of my sister’s voluntarily checked herself into rehab. I am so very proud of her and the strength and courage it takes to step through those doors. God is so good. I have over a year of sobriety and I am blessed to have a great sponsor who guides me through a tough program. I am grateful for sobriety. It is truly a miracle.

Now on to the inevitable struggles that life throws our way. Because let’s face it-sober or not life quite frankly shows up. I recently had to make a very personal and gut wrenching decision. It won’t be my last. It left me hollowed out drowning in an ocean I never dreamed I would face. I struggle with shame and a depth of guilt that knows no bounds. Thankfully it is not and has not been sobriety threatening. Thank God for my sister. I don’t know how I could walk through the pain without her.

My last blog addressed a relationship which at that time I felt I had no choice but to leave. Alas, I didn’t stick with it. Somehow I just could not find the strength to let go. 

I do not know what I am doing. Or rather, I am over thinking things and find myself immobilized. What is the next right thing? I am riding on a wave of emotions. Old behavior involves isolating and shutting down emotionally when overwhelmed. I don’t want to live that way today. I want peace of mind. I crave serenity. But how? I am doing the work but to be perfectly honest I had no idea how fucked up and traumatized I was from infidelity in previous relationships. I carry deep scars I would prefer to keep hidden. I now question my judgment-after all, I am the common denominator in those relationships. I feel uncertain. Am I supposed to just be by myself for awhile? Is that the right thing? I truly don’t know.

Letting go

I love him. I love him so much it takes my breath away.  And even though it’s one of the hardest things I may ever have to do, I must walk away from him. I must set us both free. It isn’t because I don’t love or need him because I so very desperately do. But what I need (or rather must have) is peace of mind. I am plagued with anxiety and fear. I still feel hurt, angry, and betrayed. That is my life long pattern. I subconsciously choose men who are emotionally unavailable. It is not their fault as I have willingly placed myself into this position time and time again. I get swept up in the throes of love only to find I have yet again chosen a situation which will later rip my heart out. Don’t get me wrong-I am far from perfect. I have emotional baggage which primarily consist of the inability to truly trust in someone I feel has betrayed my trust. I agonize over it. I live in a state of perpetual fear and anxiety. I obsess and lose sleep. Trust is a tricky thing. Once lost it’s difficult to regain. For me it’s often impossible when it’s a partner or spouse that has involved other women. Perhaps I am simply not ready. After all, I am the common denominator in my last four relationships. That speaks volumes. I do not desire drama or riding an emotional roller coaster. Fuck that. I have worked too hard for peace of mind and serenity to then willingly sacrifice them in the name of love. I cannot and will not be the girl who is suspicious and sees red flags everywhere. I refuse to be that girl who demands to see phone records, etc. A wise person recently said to me: “Do you really want a relationship in which you continuously worry about another person’s phone, messenger, etc”? That is not healthy or fair to either party. My love for him is undeniable but so is my inability to put back the shattered pieces of trust. It’s in a million pieces and there isn’t enough glue in the world to restore it to its original beauty. Love is hard. Relationships are even harder. But pain (oh dear God the pain and anxiety) of always questioning and worrying simply knocks the breath out of me. I feel paralyzed by fear. To stay would only create further resentments for both parties. It’s quite simply unfair. While it in no way threatens my physical sobriety, it wreaks havoc on my emotional sobriety. I don’t feel I’m taking the easy way out because my God this is so fucking hard. But what is harder is living with the excruciating pain of emotional pain. It triggers my long held beliefs of not being enough. I know on an intellectual level it’s not personal. I know he loves me. I truly do. But there must be some part in him that craves the thrill and excitement of the edge. I for one cannot continue to stand in the fire. It’s burning me alive. Self preservation is my only option regardless of the inevitable pain and grief that is an absolute guarantee by letting go. I wish I were stronger. I wish I could recognize the signs long before I fall deeply in love. This is a painful lesson I must master because I continuously find myself in similar situations each time.  Dear God please help me. Please. I need you now more than ever. Please carry me until I am strong enough to walk on my own because right now I feel shaken and fearful. 

Blink 365

July 4th marks a milestone. This time last year my life officially feel apart. I would go on to free fall into oblivion before drinking mid August then getting sober at the beginning of September. I am still working through the residual trauma which entailed a devastating breakup, a betrayal by a person I considered a grandfather, and the passing of my beloved pet. They were nails in my proverbial coffin. Hitting bottom hurts. It is an excruciating and agonizing experience. Even so, I would not go back and undo it. The gift of desperation has become my greatest blessing. I am deeply sorry for any hurt or harm I inflicted  upon others during my rollercoaster straight to hell. With that being said, I would not have the beautiful life I have today without it. My greatest pain led to a life of sobriety so precious I cannot to this day express without tears of gratitude. I survived. And I am left awestruck by how quickly the last 365 days have passed. Never could I have imagined how drastically my life would change. What a truly humbling miracle. I have never worked so hard in my life to unravel the years of destructive patterns of behavior-to address the true root of the emotional pain I have carried with me for years. I cannot help but ponder what my life might look like in another 365 days. I can only continue to surrender and trust the process. It works. Thank you God for the pain, the messiness, and for my personal growth. It was beyond doubt, worth it.

“These  mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.” -Najwa Zebian 

Endings

“Delete my existence.”

-unknown

I have been there. I have been that person in such excruciating emotional pain I yearned for anything that might end it. Me too a hundred times over. When one is battling invisible demons, one is often incapable of seeing beauty in anything. It is a inky black pool of hopelessness. No shred of light can penatrate the soul. You are literally drowning in a sea of suffering. Pain does not discriminate. My heart weeps for those who insist suicide is an act of selfishness. It is anything but. The person who has succumbed to what they believed to be the only remaining option has often been the bravest of beings. They endured agony and suffering to a depth I pray others will never know. They have courageously battled unfathomable despair day in and day out. They are exhausted and desperate. They push until they can move no further. In no way am I glorifying or justifying suicide. At its core, it is a permanent solution to what may be a temporary problem. Rather, I step forward to say speak out. Help exist in many forms, however, we are often so paralyzed by pain we cannot see it. Let us mourn the tragic losses of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. But let these tragedies provide a platform to seek out, reach out, and help others who may be struggling. I genuinely love who I am today. As human beings I hope we learn how to lift each other up. It works. I am living proof that there is a way out.

May

I am astonished I have not written since December. Chalk it up to sheer business. While I love my second job as a therapist, working 50 hours a week is taxing. Nearly four months in and I am still adjusting. A lot has changed. By the grace of God, I recently picked up my 8 month chip. What a blessing. In addition, I finally got over the narccistic man I dated through December. Such painful but important lessons learned. I have dated a couple of men but I have not been all in. For the first time (thanks to my sponsor and a lot of AA homework) I finally feel whole. It is only a beginning but it continues to feel alien. I am not jaded or necessarily disillusioned. Rather, I would prefer to remain single than to settle or make concessions. I am enough. I have known this on an intellectual level but finally I am beginning to feel it. It is no longer something I have to force or fight. Today I am grateful. I feel blessed. I feel centered and balanced. I confess I need to practice better self care (I am entirely too thin). It is a work in progress. I am so thankful for my group of girlfriends (especially my best girlfriend, Stevie. She is truly my twin soul). Naturally I fall short at times. I accept I am a flawed human being. I continue to work on one of my biggest and deeply rooted character defects-dishonesty (which usually manifest itself as lies of omission). It is only by working the steps that I could even begin to see how much dishonesty littered my life. I had no awareness. I had no idea that I had so many issues never addressed during my first taste of sobriety. It has only been through working the 10th and 11th steps for the first time that I am gaining that awareness. This program is so much more than not drinking. I truly had no idea. I cannot believe I have been given a spiritual program for living. It is a true miracle. And as I sit here listening to my son play his music I understand it is the smallest of things which will always matter most.