"You Oughta Know"

'cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
 And I'm not gonna fade
 As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
 And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
 I hope you feel it...well can you feel it
-Alanis Morissette "You Oughta Know"

Contradiction:
1. Something illogical: something that has aspects that are illogical or inconsistent with each other.
2. Opposing statement: a statement, or the making of a statement, that opposes or disagrees with somebody 
    or something.

I have long been baffled by people whom I perceive to be walking contradictions.  I feel certain we have all experienced this at one time or another- dealing with the type of person who professes one thing but whose actions contradict the very thing in which they are professing.  At present, I find myself in this very situation.  When the line between true and false is as blurred as it is in this instance it is difficult to siphon away the lies in order to see the truth. 

(Disclaimer: the following are not verbatim statements, are in no particular order, and are anonymous contradictions which may or may not be based upon actual events.  Any identification with the following statements/contradictions does not mean this author is referring to you.  If you feel your pride or maturity is at risk, please take caution and discontinue reading.  Reader discretion is advised.)

What he said: I love your writing- it's open and honest.  It's personal and really speaks to people. 
What he meant: You overshare in your blogs.  You reveal too much about yourself.  You use your blogs to manipulate others.  You need a co-author to review and approve of your blogs.

What he said: I don't want to date other people.  I don't want to share you with anyone else.  I love you.  I want you to cut your ex spouse out of your life (as well as your child's life).  I want you to be mine and mine only.
What he meant: Our relationship was never a big deal.  Although I didn't want to share you, I had no problem intimately sharing myself with others.  I'm not sure why you're mad- we had already broken up before you found out I was sleeping with my ex while you and I were together.

I could go on ad nauseum but it's pointless to become fixated on details from the past.  The important thing is to recognize a situation for what it is and to take away whatever lessons you can gain from the situation.  In hindsight, I recognize the blazing red flags (jealousy, control, and manipulation) that were frantically waving at me in vain- (alas, I failed to heed their warnings and run).  And yet...I find myself grateful for the "crash course" reminder in dating.  I realize that I needed to be reminded of what behaviors I find acceptable and those which I refuse to tolerate. 

Lastly,
To those whom think I should censor what I write---writing is who I am.  It is my constitutional right to have the freedom to express myself.  Writing is and alway will be an expression of who I am.  This particular blog has been in existence since 2006.  It has chronicled my life through the ups as well as the downs.  While each person is entitled to their own opinion, if my writing agitates a reader then it is his or her right to stop reading it.  I would no more try to direct an artist on how to paint a picture than I would try to tell an author what he or she should be writing about.

Blow Me

"I will do what I please, anything that I want
 I will breathe, I won't breathe, I won't worry at all
 You will pay for your sins, you'll be sorry my dear
 All the lies, all the wise, will be crystal clear"...

-Pink "Blow Me {One Last Kiss}"

As much as I would like to indulge my anger and wallow in self-pity, I truly am trying to live differently today.  While I have no intention of throwing my ex under the bus (alas he has done a fine job of placing himself there), I do feel I have legitimate reasons for being angry.  My former self would have cared nothing about legitimacy or the lack thereof and would have instead behaved viciously upon learning of the infidelity.  In essence, my former self would have lunged for his emotional jugular- all of which I felt was justified in the name of glorified vengeance.  My former self would have utilized cruel manipulative tactics in order to seek what I perceived to be justified payback.  Admittedly, my former self would have patiently waited for the right opportunity before returning the favor of stabbing the metaphorical knife through the heart. 

That is not who I am today.

Today (although self admittedly hurt and angry), I am choosing to take whatever lessons I can gain from this experience and let the rest go.  I have faith that this situation occurred at this particular time in order for me to further my personal growth.  What I have discovered are the dangers of naively jumping in- of blindly trusting that all people possess nothing but good intentions.  I have long had the unfortunate tendency of blindly trusting that no person would ever intentionally set out to harm me.  Painfully I have discovered this is not always true and to continue believing in this type of fallacy may result in unsafe (if not outright dangerous) consequences.  Through this experience I have also come to realize that some people are incapable of loving and caring for another person in a healthy way...for whatever reason, they have simply never learned how to behave otherwise.  Last, I have learned that while all people suffer from some sort of emotional sickness, some are much sicker than others.  I cannot blame an emotionally sick person for being ill any more than I can blame a terminally ill patient for being sick.  Regardless of my current feelings of hurt and betrayal, I know that in time I will take away great strength from this experience. 

Need vs. Want

God-
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.  

It's taken me a long time to distinguish what I want from what I actually need. Despite this newly acquired insight, choosing the latter is still often challenging.  I find it more common than not that what I want isn't always healthy or in my best interest.  To further complicate the issue, I find myself in a situation in which I must walk away-not because I want to but because I need to.  Just a few short months ago this would have been an extremely difficult if not impossible decision for me to make.  To put it bluntly, in the past I often made decisions based on self regardless of the adverse consequences.  Today I have found that I have the strength and the courage to choose that which is healthiest for me (even when my heart is pleading for me not to do so).  Through a recent experience I have discovered a level of love and respect for myself which was previously lacking or nonexistent altogether.  Additionally, I realized only recently how much personal growth I have made during the last few months (note: this did not come easily nor without the help and guidance of others).  My former self would have been unable to hold tight to the standards by which I strive to live by today.  Today I am beyond grateful that my higher power has given me the courage to stand up for myself-whether this be challenging the manner in which I perceive another is treating me or to remove myself from a situation that is emotionally unhealthy.  Furthermore I am grateful to my higher power for granting me the wisdom to see things as they are--to understand that I lack the power to change a situation or set of circumstances.  I thank God for the gift of acceptance-particularly the ability to accept that I cannot change the way things happen nor change how other people feel (no matter how badly I wish I could).  I have learned to respect and love myself even when it means walking away from a situation will only break my heart (and broken my heart it has).  I am grateful that God has shown me that I am worthy of love and respect from others-that I am indeed worthy of being treated kindly and with tenderness and love.  I am extremely grateful that through God's grace I can see the gifts and lessons to be learned in even the most painful of situations.  Through God I am realizing I am enough--I just needed a little help believing it.        

Killing Me Softly

"Codependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as in an addiction to alcohol or drugs); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of or control of another.  It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.  Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.  Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns.  Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent".

Human beings possess what psychologists call a "Homing Instinct".  In essence, this can be described as the need to reconstruct the familiar- to recreate the family life our childhood in our present relationships.  Ironically, the more painful and dysfunctional the circumstances our childhood entailed, the more compelled we are to recreate the situations in our present day lives.  It is important to note that these compulsions are recreated unconsciously.  According to various research in this field, only 20% of our decisions come from the conscious, reasoning mind; the remaining 80% comes from deep within.   The most obvious question one may ask is why would any person go to such extreme lengths to replicate such toxic situations?  While therapists give a multitude of reasons for this need to repeat the past, the most common reason includes recreating that which is familiar.  For example, although a particular event or living situation may have been uncomfortable-even abusive, it is familiar because it is what we have been conditioned to view as "normal".  After all, "normal" is subjective- as children we believe our family of origin and our home environment is the manner in which all other families function.  Herein lies the danger of codependency- unless we can identify and heal the wreckage of our past, we are often doomed to repeat it.

I can relate.  Growing up my parents marriage was less than ideal.  My parents relationship was unhealthy and in my opinion emotionally abusive.  My intent is not to attribute blame, but rather to state the situation as it is.  I blame no one for events that took place in my childhood- each parent did they best they could do at that particular time.  With that said, this is not to suggest that no harm took place or that long term effects were not set into motion that would later unfold.  It was not until my first marriage began to fall apart that (through the help of a gifted therapist) I began to see I had recreated my parents marriage when I married my first husband.  The emotional distance and lack of intimacy I witnessed in my childhood were traits I vowed to avoid when selecting a partner however; this is exactly what I chose with my then partner.  Hence, coming from a dysfunctional family I later found myself in the very same dysfunctional relationship I had tried to avoid.

Unfortunately codependency is a learned trait and is often passed down from one generation to the next.  Thus, if a person remains trapped in a vicious cycle of codependency they are teaching their own child/children the very traits they wish to escape.  Because codependency is often subtle and subconsciously learned, breaking the cycle is difficult but of monumental importance.  While I was able to later break free from my first dysfunctional marriage, it would take many painful years before I began to address the very issues which led me to seek out that type of relationship to begin with.  As a result, I went on (post divorce) to become involved in various types of addictive behaviors and/or unhealthy relationships.  Though I still have much further to go, it has been through mentors, therapists, support groups, books, prayer, etc. that I have been able to recognize my own codependent tendencies and begin to behave and choose differently.  By no means has this been an easy endeavor.  At present I find myself in my first (ever) healthy adult romantic relationship.  Luckily I have been blessed to find a partner who is not only willing to help me grow but who is also on a journey of self growth.  To summarize, codependency is a type of bondage that not only affects the individual but also the family at large.  Fortunately, the bondage of self ceases to be powerful the very moment in which one recognizes it is only bondage to begin with.

Whips and chains excite me...

Cause I may be bad
But I’m perfectly good at it
Sex in the air
I don’t care
I love the smell of it
Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But chains and whips
Excite me….

-Rihanna

Thanks in part to the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy; “mommy porn” is now more socially acceptable. Not surprisingly, Fifty Shades flew off the shelves and quickly outsold the Harry Potter series (one of the highest grossing series of all times). While I personally enjoy a little smut in my life, until Fifty Shades the majority of this type of genre was (in my opinion) lacking with regard to plot, literary content, and in the development of plausible characters.

What fascinates me most is the suddenly overwhelmingly positive reception of “mommy porn” for female readers. I can’t help but wonder why it was this particular series (and at this particular time) that eradicated taboos formerly associated with women purchasing porn. Furthermore, Fifty Shades isn’t your typical porn-rather it glorifies S and M, bondage, and discipline. While I consider myself as having a liberal and occasionally feminist point of view, I personally believe this type of porn is not demeaning nor is it harmful. Why shouldn’t women enjoy porn just as much as men? Although many women may not want to admit it, there is something delicious in letting go of control in the bedroom and allowing your partner to dominate you. Many women today are overwhelmed by their own lives-they are in charge of the children, their household, etc. It’s no small wonder the opportunity to surrender and allow their partner to take control in the bedroom can be so tantalizing. I am in no way supporting humiliating, degrading or brutal treatment of another; rather, I am referring (and encouraging) situations which are safe, trusting, and mutually pleasurable for both partners. With that said ladies invest in some bondage and lower your inhibitions- in doing so, you may just find your own Christian Grey.

Bump in the night...

I'm afraid of...

Spiders of all kinds...
Walking through the woods at night...
The Mothman...
Alien abductions...
Standing at the edge of a high cliff...
Republicans...
Being caught in a tornado with no basement in sight...
Reckless drivers...
Desperate people...
Cracks in walls...
Walking across drains/vents in the sidewalk...
People who yell...
Religious fanatics...
Turbulence when flying...
Driving at night in the rain...
Looking out of windows at night...

Parched

Although I generally use my computer to type, I still love writing things down with a good pen. There is a sense of satisfaction each time I get the opportunity to use good writing paper, delicate stationary, and/or thick linen note cards.  I can easily spend hours inside office supply and copy shops pouring over the office/stationary sections.  Why?  Because I love the way thin delicate tissue paper feels in my hands, the smell of expensive ink on paper, and heavy pens that curl into my hand.  And though I have great affection for expensive paper and old fashioned penmanship, my love affair with books is far greater.  Drop me off at a book store and I can happily spend hours (if not days) roaming the shelves and reading that which intrigues me.

Over the last few years many consumers have opted to forgo paperbacks in favor of electronic books (i.e. Kindle, I pad, etc.).  While I understand the convenience and allure of these types of devices (and I certainly wouldn't pass up the opportunity to own one), there is something to be said for holding the actual book in your own hands.  I love each one of the books I own dearly and have never been able to part with them (despite the plethora of used  book stores that would happily buy them back).  Without books lining the walls of my bookshelves my rooms would seem naked.  In fact, if I had a room to do with what I pleased I would create a floor to ceiling library (yes an actual library would be my "dream room").  Does this sound a bit bookish?  Too librarian?  Perhaps.  I am not ashamed to admit it....books have been my constant companion since I learned to read.  They have been my confidantes, my heroes, my lovers, and my friends.  Books have introduced me to eras from long ago and places I might otherwise never have known.  Through books I have lived many lives-some tragic, some passionate.  Because of books I am the person I am today...

"A great book should leave you with many experiences, and slightly exhausted.  You should live several lives while reading it." 

-William Styron

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions…”

I created my blog, Blurbs from the Burbs, roughly five years ago. Initially my writing served as a therapeutic outlet allowing me to express in writing what I sometimes struggled to express with words. Through writing I began to discover my inner self- at last, a creative outlet that allowed me to release feelings and emotions I had been drowning in for years. Hate it or love it, writing has been and always will be cathartic for me.

When I began my blog, the social networking sites were in their infancy stages. Never believing anyone would actually be interested in reading my blogs, I wrote out of a deep need to express things that were going on in my life. During the first couple of years a few family members would read my blogs occasionally, however, it was sporadic at best. The audience (or lack thereof) was of little importance to me at that time- I simply had to put pen to paper in order to survive emotionally. While I know that my blog is posted on a public website I often forget I have several dedicated readers (for which I am grateful-it is my greatest wish that at least one person may identify with a problem I once had and as a result make better decisions than I was capable of making during those times).

With that said, I am no saint. I was spiritually and emotionally sick for many years during my blogging (which becomes very apparent if you begin reading them from beginning to end). In hindsight I realize I sometimes manipulated others through my blogging (many times without forethought however, ignorance is never an excuse). I have also found that whenever I am upset I sometimes revert back to my former manipulative patterns of behavior. I am not proud of this. This was not an easy realization to hear or to accept. While I cannot go back and erase any of the damage I may have caused, I do have a responsibility to ensure all future blogging is done so with sensitivity and tact.

When I write I do so from a genuine and sometimes emotionally raw place (thus, I am overly sensitive and protective of my blogs). Consequently when it was brought to my attention that although my intentions may be good, my blogs are open to subjective interpretation (albeit the reader ultimately formulates their own interpretation which may or may not conflict with my true intent) I did not react well. Upon hearing this I was hurt and angry. After taking some time and reviewing some of my blogs, I realized there were some that could not only be misinterpreted but also some that looked like character assassinations. At that moment I was overcome with guilt and remorse to learn that while I had been trying to help others I may have inadvertently harmed them instead.

For this I can only offer my sincerest apologies to those I may have harmed or wronged in any way through my writing. I will strive from this point forward to be conscientious and respectful in my writing whenever it involves a third person party. Though it was a painful lesson to learn, I am forever grateful for the person who was brave enough to act as my teacher…

You know who you are ;-)

The Chronicles of Charlie

Dear Mommy-

I think I was abducted by aliens this past Saturday.  The aliens performed odd and uncomfortable procedures on me...they called it "grooming" but I believe it could actually be classified as cruel and unusual punishment.  The aliens took a lot of hair samples as well as some of my nail clippings (no doubt in an attempt to learn more information about our planet before they stage their attack).  Once the aliens had collected enough specimens, they washed and powdered me (most likely an attempt to remove any traceable amounts of their existence--i.e. fingerprints, etc.--).  Last (before they released me), the aliens attached green monitoring devices on either side of my ears (I'm certain these were for tracking purposes).  Luckily for me I was able to remove the tracking devices and hopefully postpone their invasion of our planet.  I guess you could say I'm a hero.

Yours,

Charlie

Miscellaneous (#252 and counting)...

1. It is absolutely impossible for me to sleep without a floor fan.

2. Which can be embarrassing when checking in at a hotel.

3. I get sick every time the weather changes from warm/hot to cool/cold (in that order only).

4. Which makes living in Kentucky super fun.

5. As a child I desperately wanted to grow up to be a veterinarian.

6. God apparently did not agree with my ambitions as I am severely allergic to all animals with the exception of “hypo-allerginic” dogs, hairless cats, and pigs.

7. So I became a social worker instead.

8. But I honestly think animals would have been easier to help than people.

9. I still love to color…bonus points if it includes a brand new box of Crayola crayons.

10. I love roller-skating.

11. But as an adult it’s not nearly as effortless as it was when I was a child.

12. I have committed to purchasing Chantix this week regardless as to whether my insurance covers it or not…it is time to quit smoking.

13. As in forever.

14. With the exception of Subway I care little for fast food.

15. My daily quota of coffee has become alarmingly high.

16. Without a minimum of 8 hours of sleep I am worthless.

17. I can take naps very late in the afternoon and still go to bed by 10 each night.

18. I became ridiculously excited today when I spied fall décor and Halloween candy at Wal-mart.

19. My fall boots are ready to come out and play.

20. My scarves want to tag along too