Rain

"Rolling like thunder under the covers...."

-Elton John 

It's raining outside. 

I find great comfort in the storms. 

Water washes away the sins of the past. 

It's baptism-it's renewal. 

Rain hitting the roof makes me feel soothed and safe. Rain is the best time to make love. 

Rain invigorates my soul.

Rain invites me into her outstretched arms.

I was standing in the rain when I had my first kiss.

Rain is steady yet unpredictable.

Thunder excites me. 

Lightening crashed electrifies me.

I need to be around water as badly as I need to take my next breath.

An exercise in writing

Princess

"she wasn't looking for a knight

she was looking for a sword"

-Atticus

When I was a young girl, I discovered I had three beauty marks which formed a traingle. I pretended this mark meant I was a secret princess who would one day be rediscovered. Apparently this princess complex extended to an even earlier age. The proof? Halloween pictures in which I wore a pink dress complete with a shining crown.

Looking back I now wonder was this an innocent fixation? Perhaps I just liked shiny crowns and therefore wanted to wear one. Or maybe I sought refuge? Perhaps I sought escape from my childhood environment. Whatever the reason I later began carefully constructing a tall tower. One in which only I could stand in. No entrances-completely safe. Was I a princess waiting to be rescued by a hero? Perhaps in my late teens and early twenties this was true. However that would change. My tower was reconstructed-completely impenatrable. I had learned that would be heroes may in fact be cleverly disguised dragons waiting to burn me alive. 

This princess craved isolation. Later driven mad by the thoughts in her head she sought numbness-anything to try and kill the pain. Alcohol became her refuge. This princess alone in this tower of her own making became insane. Still she would not surrender. The strong walls temporarily kept all people out. Then came the day the walls began to crumble. She finally surrendered.

And though this princess is no longer insane she is still fearful to let anyone get too close out of fear she will be scorched once more. It is a hard life long habit to break. And when her heart is broken she begins to build the walls once more brick by brick. She remains scared. But she is now brave and will fight to keep the walls down. Courage is now the mark she wears.

Humanities

"We cannot escape the human condition".

That's a powerful statement. I could choose to address this for me personally, on society as a whole, or even on a global level. For the purpose of this blog, I have elected to apply it directly to myself personally.

I think we can all agree that no one leaves this world alive.  So what does this statement really mean? While I could still narrow the statement down further on how it applies to death or politics, I am going to go deeper than that. We can all agree that human beings suffer on many different levels. Many unjustly at that. For me, it means a lot of different things and not necessarily in a negative connotation. After all, You cannot recognize light without first experiencing darkness. 

Perhaps my darkest days were that in which I was drinking. Through copious amounts of alcohol I tried to sever my connection with the outside world. It didn't work. I hurt not only myself but others as well. Which brings me to this-what exactly was I trying to shut out? I suppose I would have to say the conditions which all people face. I slammed the door shut on friends, family, coworkers, institutions and myself. Still it begs the question why? The general answer is sickness. Illness. Despair. Was I suicidal? No, not in the traditional sense (though I hoped for death in the end).

What I didn't realize then and have only begun to realize in the last four a half years is that life is the human condition. While we may try to avoid it, run from it, or hide altogether it cannot be escaped. The reality is that life is one big, messy, and beautiful mess. Humanity is one big, messy, and beautiful mess. I am learning to embrace life for what it is. It is beauty and it is pain. It is both easy and hard. Through the pain of my divorce, I have received the most loveliest of gifts.

One of my favorite quotes by Anais Nin describes life eloquently when she wrote:

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom".

Isn't that exactly what life is? Holding on to pain out of pure fear before accepting the beauty of surrender.

The girl with the tattoos

I've written about it before. Parents expect their son to bring home a wholesome girl next door (such as Jennifer Aniston) but are surprised when they instead get a scary Angelina Jolie. 

Yes, I'm that girl. During my years of trying to discover who I am I tried on multiple roles and preppy girl next door was one of them. At that time I fit that mold beautifully. I was a nanny for a wealthy family and it was expected. I'm grateful for that experience. As a result I acquired impeccable manners, grace, poise, and charm. 

I still possess those same traits but the real me is not in any way preppy. I am me. Finally in my late thirties I am comfortable in my own skin. Do I have tattoos? Yes, because each one means something to me. I wear black nail polish. I think it's classy. I almost always wear black-not because I'm morbidly sad but because it's who I am. I love who I am today. I love my life. 

So while I appear to be an Angelina Jolie, I'm actually a mixture of all past roles. There is no one mold fits all. People are often surprised when they get to know me. They discover that the girl with the tattoos is smart and has a great sense of humor. The point is you truly can't judge a book by its cover. The pages inside might surprise you.

Winter

1. Women's boots. I love them.

2. Long loopy scarves.

3. Snuggling on the couch.

4. Hot chocolate. 

5. Holidays.

6. Holiday movies.

7. Decorations.

8. Winter coats.

9. Snow falling.

10. Fireplaces.

No Reservation

I've looked for you everywhere.

This man who crushes me with his stare.

This man  I've longed for late at night.

This man who sets fire to my light.

Lost in his eyes I let go and fall.

Drowning in the anticipation of it all.

This man who holds my heart.

I'll risk it all from the start.

There is no hesitation.

I am in without reservation.

Absolution

"Forgive me father for I have sinned."

"How long has it been since your last confession?"

"Umm....one million years...."

I grew up Catholic and attended Catholic schools. I have great respect for Catholicism though I no longer practice that type of faith. That is not the point of this blog. And yet...this type of upbringing helped to shape me into who I am today. I have been cursed (blessed?) with the world's biggest conscience. But what does that really mean? I often immediately confess my wrongdoings to someone (note: I sometimes am confessing to someone who is a friend and not actually to the person I have wronged).  Which leads me to honesty. What does honesty even look like? I can certainly tell you what dishonesty is. After much thought and consideration, I would define honesty as being true to yourself. To intuitively know what is right or wrong. Honesty means living an authentic life. Honesty (like love) cannot exist with another human being until you've mastered these things within yourself and for yourself. Honesty means to honor yourself as well as others. It's expressing wonderful things such as love or hurtful news such as heartbreak. Honestly in relationships is vital yet often overlooked. To live an authentic life, a person must learn to distinguish the truth from the justifications which can be easily created in the mind. Honesty can be and in my opinion is a gift should we choose to embrace it. The point is that truth will always set you free. 

Love Actually

...and in the end, love conquers all.

I'm a certified pro. With divorces. Yes, I'm that girl. The one who's been married and divorced three times. My attorney can now likely draw up my papers blindfolded. Where does this leave me? Am I ashamed? No-not even close. When I love I love fiercely-I give it all I've got. Clearly that isn't always enough. But that's me and I own it. I still believe in love and in falling in love. Were there times in which I got hurt? Of course. Ever the optimist I believe in soul mates. I believe with all that I am that connectivity is precious and rare. That love can and does last. I'm a complicated mess of romance and passion. In my experience, love often knocks you off your feet before you know it. It's pure joy and hypnotic. Life is too short to not seize the moment. I believe that true, pure love actually does exist.

Gratitude

Blessings and miracles are all around us. Sometimes however, we need to pause and reflect as we may have become so involved in day to day life we've forgotten how important gratitude is. With that said, I'd like to express some gratitude in my life:

1. Thank you God for sobriety. Without you I am nothing.

2. Thank you for my son who is sensitive, smart, healthy, and caring.

3. Thank you for my family-they are my rock.

4. Thank you for love-particularly that which is unexpected.

5. Thank you for spiritual awakening and conscious contact with my higher power. 

6. Thank you for forgiveness and new beginnings.

7. Thank you for sponsorship and old timers.

8. Thank you for my love of books-they are my paperback friends.

9. Thank you for peace of mind.

10. Thank you for being able to meet basic needs.

12. Thank you for my ability to write-it is my creative outlet.

13. Thank you for my friends and their support. 

14. Thank you for my pets-sometimes they provide comfort when nothing else works.

15. Thank you for for physical, mental, and emotional health and wellbeing.

16. Thank you for my job which I love. 

17. Thank you for bringing people into my life when it's least expected.

18. Thank you for connectivity-it is rare and cherished.

19. Thank you for the beauty all around us if we only stop and look around.

20. Thank you for the strength to walk away from situations which are toxic and unhealthy.

My list could go on and on but just for today these are things I cherish.

Training Wheels

When I was very young I received my first bike. It was sky blue with wispy clouds complete with streamers and a basket. I coveted my bike and thought I was the queen of all things when riding it. Alas came the day when my training wheels were removed. After a few spills followed by some wobbly success in the grass, I bravely set out to conquer the world. At first things went smoothly, however, as I began to gain in speed I forgot how to use my brakes. Glorious scars remain to this day. As a result, I was shaken and refused to try again for some time.

Fast forward three decades and I find myself at a crossroads. It's time to remove my training wheels once more, however, this time I face life rather than a stretch of pavement. I'm scared. I'm anxious. I fight daily bouts of panic as my previous life crumples through my fingers. I thought I was safe. I thought I was loved and protected. I am vulnerable without the comfort of my training wheels. 

As a young child I struggled with mornings. I often had an upset stomach with crippling anxiety. I did not want to go to school because I didn't want to leave my place of security and venture into the unknown. And yet I thought I had conquered those demons long ago. Alas I'm once again frightened in the mornings. Sick with a hangover of "what ifs".  This is me at my weakest. Naked, exposed. 

With that said, I feel strong and confident in many areas. I am confident in my ability to parent, remain sober, and make it on my own. All of this takes courage, determination, and daily prayer. I work at it everyday. I sometimes fall short but I know God's got it. 

When all layers are peeled away, I'm scared of the unknown. That's the real issue. To put myself out there- because wouldn't it be safer and more comfortable not to? My demon, Isolation, calls to me; luring me into a false sense of safety. "Play it safe" she purrs. Today I will surrender but not to her. Today I choose to bend and not break. To lean in not out. To face the fear of the unknown. I am remembering life would not be life without that.

Blurred Lines

"Romance and Lust can lead to Love but sometimes it just leads to Great Sex"..Shanna Austin

I both love and hate this sentence equally. The inner delusional romantic in me screams "no-it should always lead to love!) Yet, the truth is sometimes it doesn't. And that may be equally enthralling. Great sex is often hard to come by.

Yet there is a jumping off point. What if emotions are already heavily involved? This is where lines may become blurred. In a perfect world two people who just want great sex meet each other and fuck-no ties, no expectations.  No messiness. Often however this isn't how it works. Don't get me wrong, the former "Gina Sometimes" is capable of having sex without expectations but it's known up front.  Easy, fun. I have a friend with whom this is an absolute given. We can (and have in the past) have fabulous sex and that's that. He goes back to his life and I go back to mine. But if I dig deep enough and confide my inner most secrets, I have found that the best kind of sex is where emotions are involved and there is at least a considerable percentage that it's actually going to progress into something more. Again this too is a rarity I've only experienced with few people( mainly my ex husbands. And although we are now divorced, it still clearly progressed).  

Which leads me to this...do I dare allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable? It's terrifying. I'd rather know up front--is this simply just for fun or is this possibly the real deal. I don't know the answer which is why crushes are called just that. You may become crushed to death. In the end I would have to say jump in. Maybe not all the way-just test the waters. 

List #934938488394893

Without question I will be repeating myself, however, it's been a long time.  So here it goes:
1. Fall is my favorite season. Pumpkins, fallen leaves, and beauty is apparent everywhere.
2. I hate Chinese food and Sushi.  I've tried it.  I just can't (no further explanation needed)..
3. Pizza is my downfall.  When my son orders it I insist he orders it from Papa John's as I do not like their sauce.  Luckily it's his favorite.
4. I have lost weight.  I still have more to go (ugh it's a process). 
5. I have rediscovered myself-my passion for all things.  This has been a true awakening.  I am blessed beyond measure.
6. I have unexpectedly found another person I connect with on many levels.  This is both thrilling and frightening.  Vulnerability will always be challenging for me.
7. My son is in high school. He is 5'11 and wears a size 14 shoe.  How has this happened?
8. I have truly missed writing.  It is cathartic as well as an outlet for creative expression.
9. I have not been on a first date in four years.
10. Although I've yet to meet her in person, one of my coworkers is one of my best friends.  I owe her a lot.  Especially now.
11. If Trump wins I may have to move to Canada.  God please no.  Just no.
12. AA has saved my life. 
13. I need to remember to "Let go and Let God"
14. Thanks to Dina I am now a Rustic Cuff fan.  I could choke her.  They are addictive. 
15. I am spending the night with my youngest sister tomorrow night as my mother will be out of town.  I know I will get no sleep.
16. My son and I are volunteering at Pets Smart Saturday morning.  Please please do not let me fall in love with any of the animals.  We have room for no more.
17. I love afternoon naps.
18. Black remains my go to with clothing and nails.  Not gothic just classy.
19. I still smoke.  Dammit. 
20. I love my job.  I get to help people everyday. 
21. I would like to teach an intro to social work course.  Note to self: contact university. 
22. Truthfully I would have no time.  I'd actually prefer to return to school.  I love it.
23. I cannot tolerate dishonesty and infidelity. 
24. My favorite lipstick has been discontinued.  Damn you Maybelline. 
25. I sometimes cuss.  I know this is unbecoming.
26. So I like this person a lot.  More will be revealed in time.
27. Henry our hedgehog has a new home (he was returned to the breeder who wanted him back).  Turns out hedgehogs aren't that friendly. 
28. I love the smell of lavender and flowers.  And Gain (as in the detergent).  I know I am a total weirdo. 
29. I still love to read.
30. The documentary "I AM" is the best documentary I have ever seen.
31. My time at the library is up.  They are giving me the evil eye.  I must go.

Eyes Wide Open

I now realize I was becoming spiritually sick during the latter part of my marriage.   It's only in hindsight I now see I had become withdrawn in multiple ways.  Looking back I now see their was little emotional intimacy (not for lack of trying).  Sleeping in separate beds for the last year should have been my first clue.  There were other red flags.  Sex was a rarity (well at least with me anyways).  Little affection and lack of intimacy are now apparent.  I was slowly withering away.  With that said, he claimed to worship me and in many ways attempted to express this in his indescribable charming manner.  Today I sincerely believe he remains in love with me and would do anything to get me back (though no doubt would eventually return to his womanizing ways).  He has some sort of brokenness that I for one cannot fix (and perhaps he is incapable as well).  I am often asked "how are you doing so well?"  I am doing well because I realized shortly after our separation the marriage was a façade-a mere illusion.  How could I possibly love a man I never really knew?  I don't know this person.  Yes,  I grieved the loss of a dream, however, it was short lived.  I had felt hoodwinked.  In fact I applaud his ingenuity (insert Rhianna's song "Take a Bow").  I have since reconnected with who I was before I became disillusioned and disconnected.  I have reignited a fire within myself that had been slowly smoldering.  To put it simply, I have found myself once again.  And I like her. 

Twist and Turns

Life occasionally throws some curveballs. It's expected. It's life. But I didn't just get thrown a curveball-I was flat out knocked out. Unconscious one might say. I discovered my husband's well hidden infidelity. I won't disclose the details (that's his story to tell, not mine), however I will state it was lengthy. Shocked and left reeling was my initial state. Then of course I commenced to progress through the well known steps of grieving (shock, denial, anger, etc). I am choosing to also keep those details to myself. What I will say is that I now feel stronger, tougher, and more whole. It's a process. I must daily deal with the fact that though I thought I was happily married, my husband was leading a double life. I hold no blame or anger towards these women. They were simply seduced by a man who is both charming and alluring. He is hard to resist- it's a magnetic pull I cannot describe. Now  that the smoke and mirrors are gone I see him clearly for the first time. I feel sorry for him. This is a pattern of behavior that he cannot escape. What a lonely life that must be.