Eyes Wide Open

I now realize I was becoming spiritually sick during the latter part of my marriage.   It's only in hindsight I now see I had become withdrawn in multiple ways.  Looking back I now see their was little emotional intimacy (not for lack of trying).  Sleeping in separate beds for the last year should have been my first clue.  There were other red flags.  Sex was a rarity (well at least with me anyways).  Little affection and lack of intimacy are now apparent.  I was slowly withering away.  With that said, he claimed to worship me and in many ways attempted to express this in his indescribable charming manner.  Today I sincerely believe he remains in love with me and would do anything to get me back (though no doubt would eventually return to his womanizing ways).  He has some sort of brokenness that I for one cannot fix (and perhaps he is incapable as well).  I am often asked "how are you doing so well?"  I am doing well because I realized shortly after our separation the marriage was a façade-a mere illusion.  How could I possibly love a man I never really knew?  I don't know this person.  Yes,  I grieved the loss of a dream, however, it was short lived.  I had felt hoodwinked.  In fact I applaud his ingenuity (insert Rhianna's song "Take a Bow").  I have since reconnected with who I was before I became disillusioned and disconnected.  I have reignited a fire within myself that had been slowly smoldering.  To put it simply, I have found myself once again.  And I like her.