Frostbite

Winter. It's a love hate relationship. I adore the lovely sheets of white powdered snow. I detest the bitter cold and darkness which devours the evenings. Long gloomy weathered days does have its benefits. It often leads to introspection and reflection. It helps me to write and express myself-a release I crave like a desert craves water. Yet it can also be dangerous. I am easily tempted to drown in a hole of blackness-I can easily withdraw into myself with little awareness of having done so. I am rarely lonely. I am an empath introvert at heart. When the blackness beckons I must be coaxed out of my isolation. I am becoming more aware of this today which in and of itself holds power. But if I am to bare down to my naked soul I must admit intimacy remains a challenge. Is it because of my nature? Primarily yes. Is it past hurts? Surely this plays some role.  It is an enigma of sorts-I crave to be touched yet sometimes cringe when it occurs. Melancholy often whispers my name and I've long taken up companionship with her. She is familiar, she is safe. Today I make commitments (particularly in recovery) and keep them (so much harder than others can imagine). An entire blog could be written solely on my issues when it comes to making commitments in the future. And it isn't that I don't want to do those things (i.e. Meet with my sponsor, etc). It's a paradox-I want these things and enjoy these things once I am there but am filled with dread in the days leading up to said commitments. I am a work in progress. Raw honestly helps me peel back the layers I have placed around me. I will continue on my journey of self discovery.  Only the truth can set one free.

Vain is as Vain does

"Beauty fades. If women find their power in their looks, then where will women find their power as they age?" -Sponsor

From the time I was a little girl I was told I was pretty-beautiful even. It was at an early age that I began to place my own value by my looks. I quickly caught on that this is what others noticed. As a result, I was groomed to believe that beauty gets one recognized. This in and of itself led to jealousy and cattiness between girls in my teens. I in turn sought out males for companionship. It was easier-it was less dramatic. But on closer examination this too was manipulative. Surrounded by boys I ensured I was the center of attention...the one to be admired. Fast forward decades and I discover two things-one I have a problem with male friendships and two, my ego demands attention-affirmation I am attractive as it makes me feel valued. This led me to cut off many relationship in my twenties-admire me from afar but do not get too close as you'll soon discover I am not the idol you mistakenly placed upon a pedestal. Better for me to run than to disappoint you. This is shallow I know...bare with me it's been a process to unlearn behaviors I learned years ago. Selfishness and self centeredness are hard to become aware of and even harder to break. To even admit these character defects is hard...I know that value should be placed on kindness, helpfulness, etc and I sincerely feel and try to exemplify these traits.  I believe beauty comes from within. To be fair, I've never valued others by their looks. The defect lies within me and is directed at me. I enjoy having male friends today and I no longer need them to desire me (or at the very least compliment me). I have always (and will continue) to not put so called "vibes" out there. I remain very aware of boundaries and would never intentionally lead someone on. I am a work in progress. I know today that what lies within myself is what makes me who I am. I no longer define my value by my appearance.  

And so I sat quietly...

It was subtle at first...so I sat quietly.

The warning signs were present but I turned a blind eye...and I sat quietly.

The flirting which snowballed...the deception I accepted ...yet I sat quietly.

My intuition which screamed something was wrong...and I sat quietly.

The gradual disintegration of affection and intimacy...yet I sat quietly.

The slow division into leading separate lives...and I sat quietly.

The slow withdrawal into myself and self imposed isolation...and I sat quietly.

The acceptance of his will and his ways...and I sat quietly.

My soul quietly dying...and I sat quietly.

Today I am amazed at my past silence-my acceptance of that which was. I weep for the empty shell of a woman I became. I don't recognize that girl. My strong, independent, and outspoken self slowly shutting down. It's indescribable. It's unfathomable. I refuse to believe I was prepared to live out my life in that manner. Yet I was. Yet I did. Thank you God for the gift his betrayal became.  Thank you God for my beautiful life today. Thank you God for shaking me-for waking me up. Thank you God-for I will never sit quietly again.

1710

By the grace of God, I have not found it necessary to take a drink during the last 1,710 days. I say this not because I think I've "beaten" my alcoholism, but rather because of my deep gratitude for what is only a daily reprieve. Although remaining sober is always my number one priority, I am now trying to apply my recovery program framework in all areas of my life. This is challenging and much more difficult then it may seem. Trying to practice a specific set of principles in all of my affairs is hard. I continuously fall short. Utilizing the principles has led me to examine parts of myself that I'd rather gloss over. The painful pieces...the old behaviors which occurred long before I began drinking daily. Carefully flipping through past decades is daunting. I firmly believe I can only grow in healthy ways if I take a hard glance at my past. Emotional pain is what I struggle with. Processing and healing my past hurts and seeing my part is overwhelming at times.  I'd rather run or play pretend. In the past I've gravitated towards emotionally unavailable men. That is anot just an observation-it is a fact. But, did I subconsciously do this because I myself was too afraid to emotionally share myself with another person? The man I'm in a relationship with now is challenging me to eradicate those barriers. It's hard but in a healthy way. I am learning to love with abandon in all areas of my life even if I later get hurt. I choose to no longer run. Life is too short to play it safe. God help me to have the courage and humility to continue to grow. "I am enough. I just need a little help in believing it."