1710

By the grace of God, I have not found it necessary to take a drink during the last 1,710 days. I say this not because I think I've "beaten" my alcoholism, but rather because of my deep gratitude for what is only a daily reprieve. Although remaining sober is always my number one priority, I am now trying to apply my recovery program framework in all areas of my life. This is challenging and much more difficult then it may seem. Trying to practice a specific set of principles in all of my affairs is hard. I continuously fall short. Utilizing the principles has led me to examine parts of myself that I'd rather gloss over. The painful pieces...the old behaviors which occurred long before I began drinking daily. Carefully flipping through past decades is daunting. I firmly believe I can only grow in healthy ways if I take a hard glance at my past. Emotional pain is what I struggle with. Processing and healing my past hurts and seeing my part is overwhelming at times.  I'd rather run or play pretend. In the past I've gravitated towards emotionally unavailable men. That is anot just an observation-it is a fact. But, did I subconsciously do this because I myself was too afraid to emotionally share myself with another person? The man I'm in a relationship with now is challenging me to eradicate those barriers. It's hard but in a healthy way. I am learning to love with abandon in all areas of my life even if I later get hurt. I choose to no longer run. Life is too short to play it safe. God help me to have the courage and humility to continue to grow. "I am enough. I just need a little help in believing it."