Corners

Today I want to melt into a corner. I want to curl up and blend in with the walls. When I feel hurt I want to crawl into an enclosed space to lick my wounds. I want to withdraw from the world. I don't want to disappear, I simply crave temporary escape. Camouflage me. Today I give myself permission to wallow in it. Unlike Taylor Swift so aptly said "I get drunk on jealousy..." I don't. Rather I want to know-i want to understand. Why doesn't she know about me? What was the intent and motive behind the secrecy? Why weren't my feelings taken into consideration? How will he tell her? What will he say? How will she respond? Why will it be a big deal for her? Will he tell me how it went and what was said? It may not be a big deal to him but how I feel is a big deal to me. And the root of my issues (per my former therapist), is that I have consistently sought out emotionally unavailable men. Yet I've not found him to be anything but. What am I missing? I'm scared for me. I'm scared I am subconsciously playing out the same types of patterns. I googled emotional cheating and here is an excerpt: 

Now some would say "wow emotional cheating? No way!" I didn't really think so either until I read that. I blatantly admit I have trust issues...I was burned badly (incinerated if you will) in my last marriage. I'm not running (real growth on my part). But I've come to realize running would be vastly easier than digging down deep inside me. I have great intuition but struggle with anxiety as well. Admittedly the two sometimes get blurred. I love him and I know he loves me. Is that enough? Parts of me trust him completely but now new parts are blurring my vision. I don't want to question, fix, manage, or control another person. It's a terrible way to live and it accomplishes nothing. But I also don't want to be cut out of various pieces. Though weekends we live separate lives I feel it should still be shared conversationally. He may run. It may be too much obligation. He may say I'm overreacting and to him maybe I am. I don't like to drudge up the past. I would never throw a past situation in another person's face when upset or arguing. It's cruel and unfair to do so. But for me this isn't the past because it's occurring in the present-in the now. I have to be prepared he'll say "fuck it-this is too hard". Truth be told I'd rather staple my mouth shut than say anything at all. But God and AA won't allow me to do that today. I never want to feel as though I'm stealing another person's freedom. But the reality is if they want complete freedom from another individual then that's exactly what should occur. I am powerless over all things. God help me. Please show me your path. I ask for help in releasing the bondage of self regardless of the situation or outcome.  I ask you to ever remind me to let go or be dragged in life.