The Art of Balancing

Finding a balance between what Matt and I once were and what we are now is challenging.  I've always been the type of person who (when something shocking or traumatic happens ) immediately shifts into survival mode- taking care of what needs to be taken care of, etc.  This trait must be innate as I have operated in this manner as far back as I can remember- it isn't a choice-rather, it's an automatic response with no forethought on my part.  My automatic reaction when faced with a crisis (while everyone else is falling apart)is to go on auto pilot until the crisis is stabilized.  Unfortunately, this means that once some sort of equilibrium is found, I finally give myself permission to fall apart (translation-everyone else has already processed the crisis right when I am just beginning to acknowledge a crisis even occurred).  This type of "fight or flight" response is ideal say if there were a terrorist attack or some sort of other cataclysmic event, however, it's far from ideal in a lot of other situations.  Which brings me to this- while Matt is continuing to grieve/process our breakup (and has been for several weeks now), it has only hit me in the last twenty-four hours that our relationship is truly over.  At the time we broke up I felt relief and pride- I was so proud of Matt for finally choosing himself and voicing what he needed in order to be happy (things I would never be capable of providing).  Now that a few weeks have passed, the reality of the dissolution of our relationship is just now hitting me.  Although I know beyond a doubt that ending the relationship was the right thing to do, it does nothing to lessen the grief.  At this time, I simply need time and space to allow myself to heal and move on- I know (as with all things) it will get better in time.