Mini holiday

This weekend I had the opportunity to spend a weekend at the lake house with five beautiful souls. First, there is Dina and Richard. Their relationship is precious. Though they may banter back and forth, don't be fooled. There lies an unbreakable bond of love, loyalty, and acceptance. Furthermore, Dina is one of my best friends. Her beauty, humor, and directness are such a gift. Although Richard was feeling unwell, he powered through in order to entertain us. Secondly, there's Kevin and Michelle. Their marriage appears strong, loving, and lasting. Michelle is everything cuteness-her joyfulness is uncontainable. Kevin, with his self-deprecating humor, made us howl with laughter throughout the weekend. Last, there is myself and Lacey. What can I say about this man that I haven't said already? Our relationship is fun, caring, deep, and meaningful. It is filled with love. My charming card czar forever makes me laugh out loud. Our weekend was filled with games, contagious laughter, and "trips to the circus". Thank you Dina for choosing us. We felt honored to be included. I can only hope that this weekend was the first of many.

This Man

There is a man in my life I hold dearly. Unexpectedly he entered my world and changed it. I cannot accurately convey the impact he has had but will strive to put the words on paper.

We were introduced through a mutual friend. To my astonishment we connected on levels I did not know existed. He challenges me daily. His wit and way with words moves me.  This man's confidence and ability to show his vulnerable side is breathtaking. His expressiveness and love fill me up with light. 

I adore his humor. I love his laugh. His storytelling enchants me. I am captivated by his tales of adventure, loss, and history. His political views and sobriety inspire me. This is a man who is highly intelligent and knows who he is and who he's becoming. He writes beautifully and I get lost in his letters.

This man makes love to my body. It is pure intoxication. I both find and lose myself in it. He is not only highly skilled but also possesses an ability to take me to places I've never been. I would swear I catch a glimpse of heaven when I am in his arms.

He is a hopeless romantic. He is forever thoughtful and kind. He is attentive and caring. He drives distance just to see me. I bask in his presence. Chivalry is not dead with this one. His charm wins me over every time. 

This man is sexy. His sultry words are seductive. He moves like a man who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to take it. I love his face and the way he moves across the room. There is an inexplicable magnetic pull between us.

I respect this man, his values, and his beliefs. His commitment and love for his family is endearing. I respect his strength and challenges he has faced. This is a man who has seen hell. He is a true survivor. 

I cannot predict the future but know he will in some form be in it. He is my twin soulmate. I am convinced we've met before in some other lifetime. There is unfinished history there. I feel there is more left of this story.

I want to thank this man who teaches me and helps me grow. We are learning and growing both individually and together. He is such a joyful gift in my life. He has set fire to my soul. My love for him is boundless.

The Banger Sisters

Where would I be without my sisters? Being the oldest of four girls is a place I will forever belong to in this world. They are my tribe. There is Amanda who is beautifully creative in her paintings and her expressiveness. Her perceptiveness and humor are such a gift. Amanda truly gets how life works. She is "real". Then there is Erica forever acting as our moral compass. She is intuitively sensitive to those around her. Erica is so very kind and fills our hearts with joy simply because of her presence. Last, there is Hannah- our baby. She's possesss such strength with her beautifully complicated mind. Hannah's humor and directness are powerful. She is wise beyond her years. As a whole we are fiercely loyal and would protect each other at all costs. We are intertwined by blood and even more strongly by love. We are bonded by powerful forces that go beyond this realm. We hold each other up. I love my beautiful crazy sisters-our ties can never be broken.

Carry Me Softly

Whisper my name my darling. Carry me away. Shamelessly share your deepest secrets, your wishes, and your fears. Share your soul with me. Pour your love into me until it spills over. Breathe your desires into my body. Hold me close as though you'll never let go. Kiss away my scars. Run your fingers longingly through my hair. Want me more than your next breath. And though it may end, love me like no other. Allow me to intoxicate you, to pull you into my world. 

-An exercise in writing (Desire)

Gina Sometimes

I was given the nickname Gina when I was twenty-one. Gina was my alter ego at the time. She was fun and reckless. Gina was the life of the party.  She collected hearts on a key chain basking in the adoration of others. And while Gina was all things fun, she was deeply unhappy. She was lost with something deep inside broken. Through many painful experiences, growth, and grace Gina no longer exist today. What Gina had been searching for in others, I found within myself. Through God I found me. I learned to like, love, and accept myself. I no longer search for validation through others. I now know my self worth. Today I am so greatful for this life. It's breathtaking. It's filled with love and beauty. I am truly blessed to have the people I have in my life today. God took away Gina and gave me myself. 

Edge of Glory

The first kiss...slow, seductive, tentatively searching. Kisses that deepen becoming more urgent with need. Breathlessness ensues.  Bodies intertwining demanding more. Clothes rapidly discarded. Her legs open pleading for more. The sweet bliss when two become one. Bodies rthymically moving together. She's on the edge of oblivion. He makes love to her body fucking her intermittently. And she cries out-baptized by pleasure. Again and again he takes her there. And it is only once she's thoroughly satisfied does he finally succumb to his own pleasure.

Shades of Pale

"Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?"

-Joker (Batman)

I love the sun. I love it's fiery hotness. It's blinding brightness. I love the way the sun kisses my skin leaving its remnants with tan lines. The sun brings with it a promise of a new day, a fresh beginning. Yet with all its charm I still gravitate towards the moon. The way she resides in the inky black sky. Her darkness and secrets beckon and envelop me. The shadows are my playmates. I am intoxicated by her ever changing phases-sometimes bright, sometimes dim. What does this say about me as a person? I do believe that without darkness we cannot know light. Perhaps I am more comfortable with my hidden and darkened side. The dark is sexy-it's when lovers whisper their desires. It's seductive and powerful. In many ways I cautiously court the dark yet am inexplicably drawn to it. I think this may also suggest acceptance. Though I may not know what lies in wait, I am content in knowing I'm protected by a power which I still strive to understand. There is a plan for me in this lifetime. And I readily accept both the darkness and light in it. 

Dancing queen

She doesn't dance for attention, she dances like she's the only person in the room.

I love to dance. For the pure joy of expression. I loved to dance as a little girl in jazz class. During my darkest days in which I drank, I gravitated towards the dance floors as it was freedom from the madness. At that time l, I preferred to dance alone simply getting lost in the moment. Today I find it difficult to dance sober. It's a fear of letting go. I am determined to overcome this defect. To forget others may be watching and surrender to the music. To reclaim the freedom of physical expression I once possessed. In my truest form I am able to let go of all pretenses and sway to the music. Music speaks to my soul. A mere line can pull me back to a particular time, a particular memory. This is the power music holds. I will dance again as I once did-without self consciousness and without reservation. I know deep down the music still resides in me.

Thank you

With deep and heartfelt gratitude I must thank the man who: 

1. Opens doors for me. It's sweet. It's sexy. And it makes me feel valued

2. Listens to me. It provides the foundation for great communication and engaging conversations.

3. Is attentive. It makes me feel special and cared for. In short, it makes me feel safe.

4. Is romantic. Whether it's a bouquet of flowers or sweet words in sexy moments. It wins me over every time.

5.  Is thoughtful. Taking into consideration my needs is such a selfless act. I thank you.

6. Is intellectual. Knowledge, opinions, and a well informed mind are rare.

7. Is unafraid to be himself.

8. Is funny. I love your laughter and sense of humor. Bonus: seeing you sing in the car.

9. Is affectionate. I bask in the light of your attention. 

10. Is emotionally available. The levels of connectivity are indescribable.

My list could go on and on. What I do promise is to share these same things with him. I give you all that I am.

Gifts

I have happily been reminded there are many precious people in my life today. One such person has given me a gift that reminds me of how very lucky I am.  The greatest gifts are those that come from the heart. They cannot be purchased nor coerced. Today is my birthday and I have been given a gift that shines above all others. It is a beautiful letter filled with honest and heartfelt words. All people have gifts but the kind that speaks most loudly to my heart are words. Those who allow me a glimpse inside their personal world are those I hold above all others. Writing is personal. It's vulnerable. I love my letter and will save it for all times. To the wonderful person who gave me this gift I want to say thank you.  I love you more because of it. Thank you for making my birthday so special. Much love,

S

38

Age is but a number. As I've aged I've learned many things. The following are a few tidbits I have found to be true:

1. You are only as old as you feel. 

2. Beauty lies within.

3. I will always feel flattered when I am told I look much younger than my actual age.

4. I feel I am wise beyond my years. I can only attribute this to my family. Note: choose older men so they can keep up.

5. Sex only gets better.

6. Working on myself is a top priority.

7. I have become comfortable in my own skin.

8. I love and accept myself.

9. I would not go back to my twenties or a younger version of myself for all the money in the world.

10. Writing will always be my outlet. Never quit.

11. I'm stronger than I ever thought.

12. Acceptance really is the answer to all my problems.

13. Peace of mind is priceless.

14. The grass is never greener on the other side.

15. Personality counts more than looks.

16. Don't be taken in by material things.

17. Fewer friends but stronger bonds.

18. Continue to read-it broadens the mind.

19. Don't just work. Continue to play.

20. Only spray perfume on parts that won't get licked;)

Windows

Today is a gorgeous day-the kind of Fall day that begs me to come out and play. I joined her happily. As a result, I spent an hour walking through various neighborhoods. I like to explore. I like to people watch.  I wonder what goes on behind closed doors. Who are these people in the privacy of their own homes?  I think the houses themselves speak of their residents inside. I notice those who have well kept yards (and want to knock on their front doors and kiss them when I see political signs that align with my beliefs).  Huge empty aquariums litter one yard (what on Earth were they growing in there?) old televisions are scattered on another's front porch. Dogs happily yipping when I walk by-demanding attention and affection. Then there are the people who say hello. What are the stories behind their friendly faces? Are they happy? Are they sad? I am especially drawn to the elderly-what are their life stories? What amazing tales do they desperately seek to share? I am reminded of why I initially chose journalism as my major. I have an insatiable desire to learn about other people-to be that person they want to share with. For now I am content to merely wonder. Perhaps one day I'll meet the person who wants to pass their story on and hope they choose me.

Chameleon

I used to be a chameleon. I smoothly took on the roles of other people to fit in. It worked for awhile. What I didn't know at that time is that by assuming different personas, I was discarding the person I really am. I can tell you from experience that when you just go along with what other people say and do, you slip further away from your authentic self. It takes a lot of hard work and awareness to unravel the illusion.  It's painful. It's liberating. It entails taking a hard look at yourself and continuously examining your motives. Being myself is easy today. I'm comfortable in my own skin. I know who and what I stand for. This has been a true gift- I am deliriuosly happy and joyful today. I wear my confidence proudly. I am free.

Non-commital

ADJECTIVE Non-commital

Not expressing or revealing commitment to a definite opinion or course of action.

• Non-commital is common in many instances of dating. Further breaking down the word it means to not commit. This an interesting phenomena that more people are choosing in today's society. Without commitment there are no expectations-no obligations. This is a lucrative and enticing manner in which to live. Many people undertake this route in order to keep things light and fluffy. With that said, consider me in. I did this frequently in college and most recently in seeing someone (note: isn't saying you're seeing each other clashing with the term non-commital? Maybe but for lack of a better word I don't know what else to call it).  Non-commital leaves options open. Some may choose to be monogamous only towards sex while others say anything goes. My suggestion is this-talk about it but only briefly. Discuss the parameters (i.e. is going on a date with someone else okay if you've only agreed to not sleep with other people)?  I'd say it's fair game so long as you don't sleep with him or her that asked you out unless of course you've agreed that sex is okay). Regardless, people today are busy, stressed, and at times overwhelmed. The absolute last thing they need is to be further committed to something else.  If it's meant to be more then it will develop further and if not, you will have enjoyed a thrilling ride.

Wicked

I consider myself to be a well-balanced, stable individual who abides by an innate moral code.  I believe in a higher power. Which brings me to this-why am I inexplicably drawn to the wicked and dark side of nature? I suppose it started as a young girl-my parents allowed me to watch Poltergeist at the young age of five. I was horribly scared but also fascinated. I felt a magnetic pull to that which is forbidden. It is a side of me that both thrills and terrifies me. My freshman year in high school my then best friend shared my interest. We spent several weekends watching thrillers of the past ("Rosemary's Baby"; "The Omen"; etc.). I prefer psychological thrillers as opposed to monsters simply jumping onto the screen. I can recall watching "The Adams Family" movie and thinking "yes! I am just like the character, Wednesday. Fast forward to my adult years-I am an American Horror Story junkie. There is a part of me that is all manners-niceties. A person who is completely comfortable in her own skin. But, tucked away in a small corner is the person who loves the edge.  Who will seek the wicked and forbidden. 

The Story Teller

Storyteller, Story Teller, or Story-Teller may refer to: Narrator, a storyteller within a story. Oral storytelling, traditional relation of history and culture. Storytelling, the conveying of events in words, images and sounds, often by improvisation or embellishment.

I adore stories. As children we are told tales of adventure, romance, and excitement. As a student I loved creative writing courses-pouring out words of hope and sorrow; defeat and triumph; courage and valor. I express myself best with pen in hand. Alas my absolute favorite is the rare individual born with the gift of story telling. They are naturally capable of conveying images and events with words. I am fortunate to know a man such as this. He has the unique ability to paint images with his words. The type of person who weaves images and sounds together as he speaks. No pen is needed for this type of story teller. Rather, the audience can see and feel his descriptions. Those fortunate enough to find such a person (regardless of the type of relationship) should listen closely for they will be moved each time he speaks.

Lovers

I greet Fall as one would greet an old lover. With her promises of changes I kiss her unabashedly. The colored leaves and cooler weather are intoxicating. It's Mother Nature in her finest hour. She leaves me breathless-teasing me with the short time I have with her. Each year she leaves me begging for more. She is crisp and she is cool. She showers me with gifts-tall sexy boots and swirly scarves. I cringe knowing she will soon leave and her bitter enemy, Winter, will take hold. And yet I make love to her knowing it is but for a brief moment in time. She will beckon me again and I'll worship her for it.

#2457748

Clearly I enjoy making lists. At the suggestion of a very dear friend, I made a list of "must haves" for a future partner. Below is a list of nonnegotiable traits:

Honest

Faithful (fidelity)

Kind

Affectionate

Good in bed (just being honest)

Emotionally available 

Spiritually growing

Intelligent

Self discipline

Self motivated

Respectful

Supportive

Considerate (come on-open the damn doors for her)

Loving

Has their shit together

Sober

Financially stable

Good with my teenage son

Hardworking 

Good communication skills

Reliable

Consistent

Great humor

Older 

Here is my list for deal breakers (AKA no way in hell I'll tolerate):

Emotionally unavailable

Spiritually sick

Having young children (sorry but this causes great problems in my last marriage)

Infidelity

Financially unstable

Unsupportive

Abusive in any way

Disrespectful 

Lying

Lazy

Dishonest

Selfish and self centered

New in sobriety

Unintelligent

Not accepting or good with my son

Inconsiderate 

Lack of stability 

Rude

Poor communication skills

Stronger

"Stronger than yesterday

Now it’s nothing but my way

My lonliness ain’t killing me no more

I’m stronger"

-Brittney Spears

The man I was dating chose to walk away (see past blog "Insurmountable). I don't know or understand all of the reasons but he did note logistics and timing were insurmountable (a point I made previously but was now willing to try and overcome). I thought (prayed?) that by living in just today (the present moment) that it would be enough to justify continuance. Clearly he didn't feel the same. I am once again reminded on why it's called a crush-one is literally crushed into despair and heartache. It hurts. I am sad and disappointed. I am searching for the gift God is trying to show me. What I have learned is this-just because there are strong connections on many levels does not mean that the two people are on the same levels of growth and work. For example, we may connect on an AA level but that does not mean each is at the same place. It takes hard work and time to grow.  

*** meaning where you're at with AA and such may not allow for dating or relationships. Just because I was open to that didn't mean that you were

Sometimes the level of growth is not the same for each person. This is hard for me to recognize. I feel that I often intimidate men by my confidence, growth, and emotional needs. Many men have told me that they were intimidated to approach me. I am always utterly surprised by their statements. I am not and do not generate feelings of neediness. I do however, have a high level of expectation in needing men to be at the same level I am with regards to growth and awareness. 

**the ex I ran into and Steve-they're clearly emotionally like teens. I allowed their physical age to interfere with their actual developmental ages. Hence therapy on choosing past men who are emotionally unavailable.

The problem is that I am easily charmed. I get swept away in their enamorment of me. I fail to recognize that the men may not align with my long term needs. I am in therapy. As an old timer said "my current feelings are only temporary; I will not feel this way forever". I am continuing to work on me. I know with time I will continue to get stronger.

** another thing my therapist and I are working on. Steve and ex were both very flattering and talked a good AA game. I allowed this to skew my perception

Therapy 101

I am currently in therapy for the first time in nine years. I am lucky in that I am able to continue seeing the same therapist I've seen throughout the years (she's fabulous).  During my last session I had what I call a light bulb moment. I was able to clearly see a pattern in the men I've married as well as those I have dated in the past. The men may be wonderful in many different ways but I've continuously chosen men who are emotionally unavailable. Wow. What is the reason? We're working on it. I truly believe it stems from my childhood. My father is a classic example of being emotionally unavailable. It's what I grew up with. To me it was a normal and acceptable behavior. Again these men may have other great qualities but to a certain extent lack the ability to emotionally connect on a level I need and crave. Which later leads to negative behaviors on my part. Disillusion, isolation, withdrawal, resentment, and at times infidelity. I own my past behaviors-I am responsible for my own actions but I could never understand them. I now feel that due to my essential and demanding need for emotional connection, I either A. scared men away or B. married men who would fall short in this area. Which brings me to this now that I am aware of this problem how do I learn to identify potential partners who either lack or have this type of connection? I do not know. What I do know is that therapy can only help me to differentiate that which is healthy and that which is not. 

Insurmountable

Sometimes unexpected gifts come into one's life inexplicably. Sometimes those gifts inter insurmountable obstacles. Recently this has occurred to me. Which brings me to this- can a person predict the future or does God? If something appears to be too hard down the road, is it easier to simply walk away? What is the universe trying to teach me? Is the lesson that one must end something based upon barriers they predict so that things don't get complicated?  Are we playing God when we do this? Or perhaps the lesson is to end it and there is an unknown gift in letting go that has not yet been revealed.

These are the questions that haunt me. I am a guarded and cautious person by nature. Walking away is my survival mechanism. Perhaps God wants me to grow in this area and throw caution to the wind and chance it. I am tempted to do just that. The connection is unexplainable. Naturally the other person may want to play it safe and walk away which then leads to no choice on my end. What I do know is that I must put these words on paper or they will rob me of my serenity. Can I be in a committed relationship with no obligations? I don't know because I've never done this before. My faithful intuition is telling me nothing (which is baffeling). The true question is do I have enough faith to try? To let go and know God's got this and I only need faith. There are two choices: walk away because it may be hard or leap in knowing God's got it.  At this point I can only do one of two things: surrender and walk away or surrender to each other knowing either way we cannot play God.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."

Just for today. After all all we have is today. We can only live in the present moment. Dear God show me the next step while knowing I can't see the whole staircase.