Stronger

"Stronger than yesterday

Now it’s nothing but my way

My lonliness ain’t killing me no more

I’m stronger"

-Brittney Spears

The man I was dating chose to walk away (see past blog "Insurmountable). I don't know or understand all of the reasons but he did note logistics and timing were insurmountable (a point I made previously but was now willing to try and overcome). I thought (prayed?) that by living in just today (the present moment) that it would be enough to justify continuance. Clearly he didn't feel the same. I am once again reminded on why it's called a crush-one is literally crushed into despair and heartache. It hurts. I am sad and disappointed. I am searching for the gift God is trying to show me. What I have learned is this-just because there are strong connections on many levels does not mean that the two people are on the same levels of growth and work. For example, we may connect on an AA level but that does not mean each is at the same place. It takes hard work and time to grow.  

*** meaning where you're at with AA and such may not allow for dating or relationships. Just because I was open to that didn't mean that you were

Sometimes the level of growth is not the same for each person. This is hard for me to recognize. I feel that I often intimidate men by my confidence, growth, and emotional needs. Many men have told me that they were intimidated to approach me. I am always utterly surprised by their statements. I am not and do not generate feelings of neediness. I do however, have a high level of expectation in needing men to be at the same level I am with regards to growth and awareness. 

**the ex I ran into and Steve-they're clearly emotionally like teens. I allowed their physical age to interfere with their actual developmental ages. Hence therapy on choosing past men who are emotionally unavailable.

The problem is that I am easily charmed. I get swept away in their enamorment of me. I fail to recognize that the men may not align with my long term needs. I am in therapy. As an old timer said "my current feelings are only temporary; I will not feel this way forever". I am continuing to work on me. I know with time I will continue to get stronger.

** another thing my therapist and I are working on. Steve and ex were both very flattering and talked a good AA game. I allowed this to skew my perception