2016

This year. A lot happened. My reality crashed then dissipated. So much change and personal growth. There are many words to describe my life on December 31, 2016: Freedom. I feel free today. Free from anger, loneliness, and unhappiness. Free to make my own decisions. Free to live authentically. Free to love and accept myself as I am. Gratitude: I am grateful for my life today. I am so very grateful my losses became some of my greatest strengths. I am grateful in having reconnected to the rooms of my recovery program.  I am grateful for the many gifts I discovered through pain and loss. I am grateful to be surrounded by people I love and who love me in return. Love: my greatest love is my son. He brings so much joy into my life. I also discovered love in one of the most unexpected ways.  A dear friend set me up with one of her friends. We clicked. It is such a gift to have this person in my life. I love him greatly. Strength: I am making it. I am able to financially support myself and my son. My sobriety is solid. I have the strength to work through my issues with a great therapist. I am able to share my experience, strength and hope with others. Thank you 2016. Regardless of what is occurring in the world, my world today is filled with love, peace, and deep gratitude. 2016 I will never forget or regret you. You gave me back myself. You woke me up from a deep sleep. I am no longer blind. 

Starving

"I didn't know that I was starving till I tasted you
Don't need no butterflies when you give me the whole damn zoo
By the way, by the way, you do things to my body
I didn't know that I was starving till I tasted you"

-Hailee Steinfeld

I had no clue as to how ravenous I was for true connectivity. Honestly I had no idea how much I craved the intimacy I've since found with the man I love. Thoughtfulness, kindness, and attentiveness were unknown to me. This man embodies all of these characteristics and more. His laugh, charm, and sweetness overtake me. I am his. And still yet, I remain intact as my own person. This is what healthy looks like. This is foreign to me. There is a healthy balance between "me" and "we". Instead of making concessions and sacrificing who I am, this is the type of relationship which enhances the lives of both people. I am beyond grateful for the gift he is. I am now experiencing a relationship with equal receptivity. It amazes me that I was able to accept less in past relationships. Our relationship has allowed me to grow in healthy ways. I am a better person because of it. I must thank this man for all that he is. I am no longer starving.

Two keys, Two cats, and a Turkey

Thanksgiving day was interesting this year. It was a whirlwind which included unconventional adventures. I will attempt to provide a snapshot of that day as follows:

1. We drove to my mother's house at least 3 times within a 24 hour period to check on her two cats. I continue to be baffled as to why they couldn't survive without a check in each evening. They're cats. With food, water, and litter boxes. Note my my mom lives in another town.

2. Wrong keys played a vital role for said trips.

3. As a result of having the wrong key we then drove downtown (again in another city) to obtain a key from my sister. The quick exchange resulted in a whirlwind of actions and a very long wait (the perfect snap shot of that which is her). I'm surprised my boyfriend didn't run away and leave me there. 

4. We made it just in time to see a movie (most of which my boyfriend slept through). Truly I found his light snoring hilarious.

5. Realized halfway through the movie I left my sisters key at her house. 

6. In order to retrieve the key we must go to her partner's mother's house.

7. Retrieved the key to get into my sister's house.

8. Finally checked on said cats only to confirm they were alive and well.

9. Had plans to eat at Cracker Barrel only to find the wait time is 1.5 million hours.

10. Went to Bob Evans where dinner was actually delicious.

11. Arrived home which was the best part of the day given we worshipped each others bodies.

Time well spent...

I've been slow to write the last couple weeks. It isn't that something's wrong-in fact it's quite the opposite. I've been wrapped up in love. It's that simple. The man I call my own has been able to work closely around the town I live in. This has resulted in bliss as well as extra time spent together. I covet the time we spend in each other's company. I adore him and I think it's safe to say he adores me in return. This gift of time has provide an opportunity to further explore each other's daily lives. What I have found is that it only confirms what I suspected to be true-we are a true match. Our connections continue to solidify and grow. Can I see into the future? No. But I can say that I can't imagine a future without him in it. 

Hope will Rise

We've been here before. This certainly isn't the first time our country and its people have found themselves on the wrong side of history. In fact, many of us will fail to recognize the full impact until the lenses of hindsight appear. For those who possess the clarity to see past the smoke and mirrors there is already a movement underway. Do not underestimate the power of unity, the power of hope. We are a nation which fought long and hard for the abolition of slavery. We fought for desegregation, civil rights, marriage equality, and more. Those who wish to oppress their citizens underestimate the basic human goodness in others. We are our brothers keepers. We will continue to fight racism, sexism, bigotry, and hate. Have we taken a tremendous slide backwards? Without question, yes. And still hope lives and binds. This is not a death sentence. Rather it is an urgent call to push back against those who wish to silence us. The denial of climate change alone is reason enough to stand strong together. Our very existence on this planet depends upon it.  Our progress over the last eight years has been threatened to its very core. And still I believe hope will rise. Fundamentally we are a nation which consist of many who will fight against injustice and inequality. Where there is hope there is always a way. May we band together to save not just ourselves but humanity itself. 

The Pendelum

She seeks balance. It's in her nature. A true libra through in through. She has known great happiness as well as great pain. She seeks and craves solid ground. She is a pendulum which at times rocks back and forth trying to regain balance. She has fought long and hard to let go of past hurts. At times she will crave independence and at other times need her hand held like a small bewildered child. Her past has taught her that people you love often leave. In the past this left her with one foot continuously out the door. She has since learned this way is no way to live. Acceptance is her mantra today. She has learned to love fiercely even as a small part of her will always fear abandonment. Despite this, she has learned to love more fiercely even if it means her heart may later be broken. Once guarded she now lives and loves openly. She may be complicated but she is worth it. Those who do not embrace the beautiful mess she is are now quietly let go. She has slayed her dragons. She no longer carries the weight of ghost from her past. Love her fiercely back. Her intentions are never meant to hurt or harm others. She is strong and it takes a person equally as strong to understand her. Today her pendulum is balanced. 

It's in the little things...

It's in the way he looks at me. Its in the ways he runs his fingers through my hair. It's in the way he looks into my eyes. It's in the way he touches me-setting my skin on fire. It's in the way he speaks and tells stories. It's in the way he whispers sweet words during our most intimate moments. It's in the way he travels just to see me. It's in the way he expresses himself. It's in the way he writes me beautiful love letters. It's in the way we enjoy blanket picnics together. It's in the ways we connect. It's in the way in which he makes me laugh. It's in the way he is considerate and thoughtful in all things. It's in the way he lets me run my fingers through his irresistible hair. It's in the ways in which he loves me. It's in so many ways that it would take pages to try and capture all the ways I love him. It's in all ways I'm grateful to be in his life today.

Religion vs Spirtuality

"Religion is man made. Spirtuality is God given."

-Source Uknown

I grew up Catholic. As a young child this meant attending church each Sunday and later meant attending Catholic schools. It was what my family was and a label which I wore proudly. I loved the ritualism in mass and took comfort in much loved traditions. Having been raised by an exceptionally spiritual mother (and consequently my maternal side of the family) I began to later question religion. This became more pronounced throughout the years (much to the chagrin of my teachers-particularly those who taught our required Religion courses). In short I (as respectively as possible) became argumentative in these types of classes. I became increasingly frustrated by a faith which provided me with few answers. To further compound the problem I began reading material which would horrify even the most liberal of priests. I struggled and couldn't understand why I couldn't swallow the explanations my peers so readily accepted. Some of my readings focused on politics-primarily that books in the Bible were chosen as result of politics (to unite an empire under one centralized religion) versus divine inspiration. I was indignant that books that spoke of reincarnation were carefully (and silently) discarded at the Council of Nicea.. It seemed ludarcris to me that no one seemed to even question Jesus whereabouts from roughly the age of eighteen to his thirties (note: I think scholars knew exactly where he'd been but the explanation did not tie in neatly to their carefully constructed story). Alas, I am not here to debate the Bible. My aim is not to sway others from their long held and beloved beliefs. Rather, I propose that all paths lead to God regardless of the road one chooses to take. Nothing has reaffirmed my belief in this more than AA. Here millions of people found a power greater than themselves with which to live by. A power which literally saved them in ways nothing else could. In the rooms of AA no one would infringe upon another's right to believe in whatever might save another person from the true hells of alcoholism. Despite years of Catholic ideaology as well as books devoted to questioning religion, I was unable to get sober. Through AA I have discovered a power greater than myself which helps keep me sober. As it would turn out I would find God not through books or childhood teachings but within the walls of AA. I thank God for this everyday.

Mini holiday

This weekend I had the opportunity to spend a weekend at the lake house with five beautiful souls. First, there is Dina and Richard. Their relationship is precious. Though they may banter back and forth, don't be fooled. There lies an unbreakable bond of love, loyalty, and acceptance. Furthermore, Dina is one of my best friends. Her beauty, humor, and directness are such a gift. Although Richard was feeling unwell, he powered through in order to entertain us. Secondly, there's Kevin and Michelle. Their marriage appears strong, loving, and lasting. Michelle is everything cuteness-her joyfulness is uncontainable. Kevin, with his self-deprecating humor, made us howl with laughter throughout the weekend. Last, there is myself and Lacey. What can I say about this man that I haven't said already? Our relationship is fun, caring, deep, and meaningful. It is filled with love. My charming card czar forever makes me laugh out loud. Our weekend was filled with games, contagious laughter, and "trips to the circus". Thank you Dina for choosing us. We felt honored to be included. I can only hope that this weekend was the first of many.

This Man

There is a man in my life I hold dearly. Unexpectedly he entered my world and changed it. I cannot accurately convey the impact he has had but will strive to put the words on paper.

We were introduced through a mutual friend. To my astonishment we connected on levels I did not know existed. He challenges me daily. His wit and way with words moves me.  This man's confidence and ability to show his vulnerable side is breathtaking. His expressiveness and love fill me up with light. 

I adore his humor. I love his laugh. His storytelling enchants me. I am captivated by his tales of adventure, loss, and history. His political views and sobriety inspire me. This is a man who is highly intelligent and knows who he is and who he's becoming. He writes beautifully and I get lost in his letters.

This man makes love to my body. It is pure intoxication. I both find and lose myself in it. He is not only highly skilled but also possesses an ability to take me to places I've never been. I would swear I catch a glimpse of heaven when I am in his arms.

He is a hopeless romantic. He is forever thoughtful and kind. He is attentive and caring. He drives distance just to see me. I bask in his presence. Chivalry is not dead with this one. His charm wins me over every time. 

This man is sexy. His sultry words are seductive. He moves like a man who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to take it. I love his face and the way he moves across the room. There is an inexplicable magnetic pull between us.

I respect this man, his values, and his beliefs. His commitment and love for his family is endearing. I respect his strength and challenges he has faced. This is a man who has seen hell. He is a true survivor. 

I cannot predict the future but know he will in some form be in it. He is my twin soulmate. I am convinced we've met before in some other lifetime. There is unfinished history there. I feel there is more left of this story.

I want to thank this man who teaches me and helps me grow. We are learning and growing both individually and together. He is such a joyful gift in my life. He has set fire to my soul. My love for him is boundless.

The Banger Sisters

Where would I be without my sisters? Being the oldest of four girls is a place I will forever belong to in this world. They are my tribe. There is Amanda who is beautifully creative in her paintings and her expressiveness. Her perceptiveness and humor are such a gift. Amanda truly gets how life works. She is "real". Then there is Erica forever acting as our moral compass. She is intuitively sensitive to those around her. Erica is so very kind and fills our hearts with joy simply because of her presence. Last, there is Hannah- our baby. She's possesss such strength with her beautifully complicated mind. Hannah's humor and directness are powerful. She is wise beyond her years. As a whole we are fiercely loyal and would protect each other at all costs. We are intertwined by blood and even more strongly by love. We are bonded by powerful forces that go beyond this realm. We hold each other up. I love my beautiful crazy sisters-our ties can never be broken.

Carry Me Softly

Whisper my name my darling. Carry me away. Shamelessly share your deepest secrets, your wishes, and your fears. Share your soul with me. Pour your love into me until it spills over. Breathe your desires into my body. Hold me close as though you'll never let go. Kiss away my scars. Run your fingers longingly through my hair. Want me more than your next breath. And though it may end, love me like no other. Allow me to intoxicate you, to pull you into my world. 

-An exercise in writing (Desire)

Gina Sometimes

I was given the nickname Gina when I was twenty-one. Gina was my alter ego at the time. She was fun and reckless. Gina was the life of the party.  She collected hearts on a key chain basking in the adoration of others. And while Gina was all things fun, she was deeply unhappy. She was lost with something deep inside broken. Through many painful experiences, growth, and grace Gina no longer exist today. What Gina had been searching for in others, I found within myself. Through God I found me. I learned to like, love, and accept myself. I no longer search for validation through others. I now know my self worth. Today I am so greatful for this life. It's breathtaking. It's filled with love and beauty. I am truly blessed to have the people I have in my life today. God took away Gina and gave me myself. 

Edge of Glory

The first kiss...slow, seductive, tentatively searching. Kisses that deepen becoming more urgent with need. Breathlessness ensues.  Bodies intertwining demanding more. Clothes rapidly discarded. Her legs open pleading for more. The sweet bliss when two become one. Bodies rthymically moving together. She's on the edge of oblivion. He makes love to her body fucking her intermittently. And she cries out-baptized by pleasure. Again and again he takes her there. And it is only once she's thoroughly satisfied does he finally succumb to his own pleasure.

Shades of Pale

"Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?"

-Joker (Batman)

I love the sun. I love it's fiery hotness. It's blinding brightness. I love the way the sun kisses my skin leaving its remnants with tan lines. The sun brings with it a promise of a new day, a fresh beginning. Yet with all its charm I still gravitate towards the moon. The way she resides in the inky black sky. Her darkness and secrets beckon and envelop me. The shadows are my playmates. I am intoxicated by her ever changing phases-sometimes bright, sometimes dim. What does this say about me as a person? I do believe that without darkness we cannot know light. Perhaps I am more comfortable with my hidden and darkened side. The dark is sexy-it's when lovers whisper their desires. It's seductive and powerful. In many ways I cautiously court the dark yet am inexplicably drawn to it. I think this may also suggest acceptance. Though I may not know what lies in wait, I am content in knowing I'm protected by a power which I still strive to understand. There is a plan for me in this lifetime. And I readily accept both the darkness and light in it. 

Dancing queen

She doesn't dance for attention, she dances like she's the only person in the room.

I love to dance. For the pure joy of expression. I loved to dance as a little girl in jazz class. During my darkest days in which I drank, I gravitated towards the dance floors as it was freedom from the madness. At that time l, I preferred to dance alone simply getting lost in the moment. Today I find it difficult to dance sober. It's a fear of letting go. I am determined to overcome this defect. To forget others may be watching and surrender to the music. To reclaim the freedom of physical expression I once possessed. In my truest form I am able to let go of all pretenses and sway to the music. Music speaks to my soul. A mere line can pull me back to a particular time, a particular memory. This is the power music holds. I will dance again as I once did-without self consciousness and without reservation. I know deep down the music still resides in me.

Thank you

With deep and heartfelt gratitude I must thank the man who: 

1. Opens doors for me. It's sweet. It's sexy. And it makes me feel valued

2. Listens to me. It provides the foundation for great communication and engaging conversations.

3. Is attentive. It makes me feel special and cared for. In short, it makes me feel safe.

4. Is romantic. Whether it's a bouquet of flowers or sweet words in sexy moments. It wins me over every time.

5.  Is thoughtful. Taking into consideration my needs is such a selfless act. I thank you.

6. Is intellectual. Knowledge, opinions, and a well informed mind are rare.

7. Is unafraid to be himself.

8. Is funny. I love your laughter and sense of humor. Bonus: seeing you sing in the car.

9. Is affectionate. I bask in the light of your attention. 

10. Is emotionally available. The levels of connectivity are indescribable.

My list could go on and on. What I do promise is to share these same things with him. I give you all that I am.

Gifts

I have happily been reminded there are many precious people in my life today. One such person has given me a gift that reminds me of how very lucky I am.  The greatest gifts are those that come from the heart. They cannot be purchased nor coerced. Today is my birthday and I have been given a gift that shines above all others. It is a beautiful letter filled with honest and heartfelt words. All people have gifts but the kind that speaks most loudly to my heart are words. Those who allow me a glimpse inside their personal world are those I hold above all others. Writing is personal. It's vulnerable. I love my letter and will save it for all times. To the wonderful person who gave me this gift I want to say thank you.  I love you more because of it. Thank you for making my birthday so special. Much love,

S

38

Age is but a number. As I've aged I've learned many things. The following are a few tidbits I have found to be true:

1. You are only as old as you feel. 

2. Beauty lies within.

3. I will always feel flattered when I am told I look much younger than my actual age.

4. I feel I am wise beyond my years. I can only attribute this to my family. Note: choose older men so they can keep up.

5. Sex only gets better.

6. Working on myself is a top priority.

7. I have become comfortable in my own skin.

8. I love and accept myself.

9. I would not go back to my twenties or a younger version of myself for all the money in the world.

10. Writing will always be my outlet. Never quit.

11. I'm stronger than I ever thought.

12. Acceptance really is the answer to all my problems.

13. Peace of mind is priceless.

14. The grass is never greener on the other side.

15. Personality counts more than looks.

16. Don't be taken in by material things.

17. Fewer friends but stronger bonds.

18. Continue to read-it broadens the mind.

19. Don't just work. Continue to play.

20. Only spray perfume on parts that won't get licked;)

Windows

Today is a gorgeous day-the kind of Fall day that begs me to come out and play. I joined her happily. As a result, I spent an hour walking through various neighborhoods. I like to explore. I like to people watch.  I wonder what goes on behind closed doors. Who are these people in the privacy of their own homes?  I think the houses themselves speak of their residents inside. I notice those who have well kept yards (and want to knock on their front doors and kiss them when I see political signs that align with my beliefs).  Huge empty aquariums litter one yard (what on Earth were they growing in there?) old televisions are scattered on another's front porch. Dogs happily yipping when I walk by-demanding attention and affection. Then there are the people who say hello. What are the stories behind their friendly faces? Are they happy? Are they sad? I am especially drawn to the elderly-what are their life stories? What amazing tales do they desperately seek to share? I am reminded of why I initially chose journalism as my major. I have an insatiable desire to learn about other people-to be that person they want to share with. For now I am content to merely wonder. Perhaps one day I'll meet the person who wants to pass their story on and hope they choose me.

Chameleon

I used to be a chameleon. I smoothly took on the roles of other people to fit in. It worked for awhile. What I didn't know at that time is that by assuming different personas, I was discarding the person I really am. I can tell you from experience that when you just go along with what other people say and do, you slip further away from your authentic self. It takes a lot of hard work and awareness to unravel the illusion.  It's painful. It's liberating. It entails taking a hard look at yourself and continuously examining your motives. Being myself is easy today. I'm comfortable in my own skin. I know who and what I stand for. This has been a true gift- I am deliriuosly happy and joyful today. I wear my confidence proudly. I am free.

Non-commital

ADJECTIVE Non-commital

Not expressing or revealing commitment to a definite opinion or course of action.

• Non-commital is common in many instances of dating. Further breaking down the word it means to not commit. This an interesting phenomena that more people are choosing in today's society. Without commitment there are no expectations-no obligations. This is a lucrative and enticing manner in which to live. Many people undertake this route in order to keep things light and fluffy. With that said, consider me in. I did this frequently in college and most recently in seeing someone (note: isn't saying you're seeing each other clashing with the term non-commital? Maybe but for lack of a better word I don't know what else to call it).  Non-commital leaves options open. Some may choose to be monogamous only towards sex while others say anything goes. My suggestion is this-talk about it but only briefly. Discuss the parameters (i.e. is going on a date with someone else okay if you've only agreed to not sleep with other people)?  I'd say it's fair game so long as you don't sleep with him or her that asked you out unless of course you've agreed that sex is okay). Regardless, people today are busy, stressed, and at times overwhelmed. The absolute last thing they need is to be further committed to something else.  If it's meant to be more then it will develop further and if not, you will have enjoyed a thrilling ride.

Wicked

I consider myself to be a well-balanced, stable individual who abides by an innate moral code.  I believe in a higher power. Which brings me to this-why am I inexplicably drawn to the wicked and dark side of nature? I suppose it started as a young girl-my parents allowed me to watch Poltergeist at the young age of five. I was horribly scared but also fascinated. I felt a magnetic pull to that which is forbidden. It is a side of me that both thrills and terrifies me. My freshman year in high school my then best friend shared my interest. We spent several weekends watching thrillers of the past ("Rosemary's Baby"; "The Omen"; etc.). I prefer psychological thrillers as opposed to monsters simply jumping onto the screen. I can recall watching "The Adams Family" movie and thinking "yes! I am just like the character, Wednesday. Fast forward to my adult years-I am an American Horror Story junkie. There is a part of me that is all manners-niceties. A person who is completely comfortable in her own skin. But, tucked away in a small corner is the person who loves the edge.  Who will seek the wicked and forbidden. 

The Story Teller

Storyteller, Story Teller, or Story-Teller may refer to: Narrator, a storyteller within a story. Oral storytelling, traditional relation of history and culture. Storytelling, the conveying of events in words, images and sounds, often by improvisation or embellishment.

I adore stories. As children we are told tales of adventure, romance, and excitement. As a student I loved creative writing courses-pouring out words of hope and sorrow; defeat and triumph; courage and valor. I express myself best with pen in hand. Alas my absolute favorite is the rare individual born with the gift of story telling. They are naturally capable of conveying images and events with words. I am fortunate to know a man such as this. He has the unique ability to paint images with his words. The type of person who weaves images and sounds together as he speaks. No pen is needed for this type of story teller. Rather, the audience can see and feel his descriptions. Those fortunate enough to find such a person (regardless of the type of relationship) should listen closely for they will be moved each time he speaks.

Lovers

I greet Fall as one would greet an old lover. With her promises of changes I kiss her unabashedly. The colored leaves and cooler weather are intoxicating. It's Mother Nature in her finest hour. She leaves me breathless-teasing me with the short time I have with her. Each year she leaves me begging for more. She is crisp and she is cool. She showers me with gifts-tall sexy boots and swirly scarves. I cringe knowing she will soon leave and her bitter enemy, Winter, will take hold. And yet I make love to her knowing it is but for a brief moment in time. She will beckon me again and I'll worship her for it.

#2457748

Clearly I enjoy making lists. At the suggestion of a very dear friend, I made a list of "must haves" for a future partner. Below is a list of nonnegotiable traits:

Honest

Faithful (fidelity)

Kind

Affectionate

Good in bed (just being honest)

Emotionally available 

Spiritually growing

Intelligent

Self discipline

Self motivated

Respectful

Supportive

Considerate (come on-open the damn doors for her)

Loving

Has their shit together

Sober

Financially stable

Good with my teenage son

Hardworking 

Good communication skills

Reliable

Consistent

Great humor

Older 

Here is my list for deal breakers (AKA no way in hell I'll tolerate):

Emotionally unavailable

Spiritually sick

Having young children (sorry but this causes great problems in my last marriage)

Infidelity

Financially unstable

Unsupportive

Abusive in any way

Disrespectful 

Lying

Lazy

Dishonest

Selfish and self centered

New in sobriety

Unintelligent

Not accepting or good with my son

Inconsiderate 

Lack of stability 

Rude

Poor communication skills

Stronger

"Stronger than yesterday

Now it’s nothing but my way

My lonliness ain’t killing me no more

I’m stronger"

-Brittney Spears

The man I was dating chose to walk away (see past blog "Insurmountable). I don't know or understand all of the reasons but he did note logistics and timing were insurmountable (a point I made previously but was now willing to try and overcome). I thought (prayed?) that by living in just today (the present moment) that it would be enough to justify continuance. Clearly he didn't feel the same. I am once again reminded on why it's called a crush-one is literally crushed into despair and heartache. It hurts. I am sad and disappointed. I am searching for the gift God is trying to show me. What I have learned is this-just because there are strong connections on many levels does not mean that the two people are on the same levels of growth and work. For example, we may connect on an AA level but that does not mean each is at the same place. It takes hard work and time to grow.  

*** meaning where you're at with AA and such may not allow for dating or relationships. Just because I was open to that didn't mean that you were

Sometimes the level of growth is not the same for each person. This is hard for me to recognize. I feel that I often intimidate men by my confidence, growth, and emotional needs. Many men have told me that they were intimidated to approach me. I am always utterly surprised by their statements. I am not and do not generate feelings of neediness. I do however, have a high level of expectation in needing men to be at the same level I am with regards to growth and awareness. 

**the ex I ran into and Steve-they're clearly emotionally like teens. I allowed their physical age to interfere with their actual developmental ages. Hence therapy on choosing past men who are emotionally unavailable.

The problem is that I am easily charmed. I get swept away in their enamorment of me. I fail to recognize that the men may not align with my long term needs. I am in therapy. As an old timer said "my current feelings are only temporary; I will not feel this way forever". I am continuing to work on me. I know with time I will continue to get stronger.

** another thing my therapist and I are working on. Steve and ex were both very flattering and talked a good AA game. I allowed this to skew my perception

Therapy 101

I am currently in therapy for the first time in nine years. I am lucky in that I am able to continue seeing the same therapist I've seen throughout the years (she's fabulous).  During my last session I had what I call a light bulb moment. I was able to clearly see a pattern in the men I've married as well as those I have dated in the past. The men may be wonderful in many different ways but I've continuously chosen men who are emotionally unavailable. Wow. What is the reason? We're working on it. I truly believe it stems from my childhood. My father is a classic example of being emotionally unavailable. It's what I grew up with. To me it was a normal and acceptable behavior. Again these men may have other great qualities but to a certain extent lack the ability to emotionally connect on a level I need and crave. Which later leads to negative behaviors on my part. Disillusion, isolation, withdrawal, resentment, and at times infidelity. I own my past behaviors-I am responsible for my own actions but I could never understand them. I now feel that due to my essential and demanding need for emotional connection, I either A. scared men away or B. married men who would fall short in this area. Which brings me to this now that I am aware of this problem how do I learn to identify potential partners who either lack or have this type of connection? I do not know. What I do know is that therapy can only help me to differentiate that which is healthy and that which is not. 

Insurmountable

Sometimes unexpected gifts come into one's life inexplicably. Sometimes those gifts inter insurmountable obstacles. Recently this has occurred to me. Which brings me to this- can a person predict the future or does God? If something appears to be too hard down the road, is it easier to simply walk away? What is the universe trying to teach me? Is the lesson that one must end something based upon barriers they predict so that things don't get complicated?  Are we playing God when we do this? Or perhaps the lesson is to end it and there is an unknown gift in letting go that has not yet been revealed.

These are the questions that haunt me. I am a guarded and cautious person by nature. Walking away is my survival mechanism. Perhaps God wants me to grow in this area and throw caution to the wind and chance it. I am tempted to do just that. The connection is unexplainable. Naturally the other person may want to play it safe and walk away which then leads to no choice on my end. What I do know is that I must put these words on paper or they will rob me of my serenity. Can I be in a committed relationship with no obligations? I don't know because I've never done this before. My faithful intuition is telling me nothing (which is baffeling). The true question is do I have enough faith to try? To let go and know God's got this and I only need faith. There are two choices: walk away because it may be hard or leap in knowing God's got it.  At this point I can only do one of two things: surrender and walk away or surrender to each other knowing either way we cannot play God.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."

Just for today. After all all we have is today. We can only live in the present moment. Dear God show me the next step while knowing I can't see the whole staircase. 

Rain

"Rolling like thunder under the covers...."

-Elton John 

It's raining outside. 

I find great comfort in the storms. 

Water washes away the sins of the past. 

It's baptism-it's renewal. 

Rain hitting the roof makes me feel soothed and safe. Rain is the best time to make love. 

Rain invigorates my soul.

Rain invites me into her outstretched arms.

I was standing in the rain when I had my first kiss.

Rain is steady yet unpredictable.

Thunder excites me. 

Lightening crashed electrifies me.

I need to be around water as badly as I need to take my next breath.

An exercise in writing

Princess

"she wasn't looking for a knight

she was looking for a sword"

-Atticus

When I was a young girl, I discovered I had three beauty marks which formed a traingle. I pretended this mark meant I was a secret princess who would one day be rediscovered. Apparently this princess complex extended to an even earlier age. The proof? Halloween pictures in which I wore a pink dress complete with a shining crown.

Looking back I now wonder was this an innocent fixation? Perhaps I just liked shiny crowns and therefore wanted to wear one. Or maybe I sought refuge? Perhaps I sought escape from my childhood environment. Whatever the reason I later began carefully constructing a tall tower. One in which only I could stand in. No entrances-completely safe. Was I a princess waiting to be rescued by a hero? Perhaps in my late teens and early twenties this was true. However that would change. My tower was reconstructed-completely impenatrable. I had learned that would be heroes may in fact be cleverly disguised dragons waiting to burn me alive. 

This princess craved isolation. Later driven mad by the thoughts in her head she sought numbness-anything to try and kill the pain. Alcohol became her refuge. This princess alone in this tower of her own making became insane. Still she would not surrender. The strong walls temporarily kept all people out. Then came the day the walls began to crumble. She finally surrendered.

And though this princess is no longer insane she is still fearful to let anyone get too close out of fear she will be scorched once more. It is a hard life long habit to break. And when her heart is broken she begins to build the walls once more brick by brick. She remains scared. But she is now brave and will fight to keep the walls down. Courage is now the mark she wears.

Humanities

"We cannot escape the human condition".

That's a powerful statement. I could choose to address this for me personally, on society as a whole, or even on a global level. For the purpose of this blog, I have elected to apply it directly to myself personally.

I think we can all agree that no one leaves this world alive.  So what does this statement really mean? While I could still narrow the statement down further on how it applies to death or politics, I am going to go deeper than that. We can all agree that human beings suffer on many different levels. Many unjustly at that. For me, it means a lot of different things and not necessarily in a negative connotation. After all, You cannot recognize light without first experiencing darkness. 

Perhaps my darkest days were that in which I was drinking. Through copious amounts of alcohol I tried to sever my connection with the outside world. It didn't work. I hurt not only myself but others as well. Which brings me to this-what exactly was I trying to shut out? I suppose I would have to say the conditions which all people face. I slammed the door shut on friends, family, coworkers, institutions and myself. Still it begs the question why? The general answer is sickness. Illness. Despair. Was I suicidal? No, not in the traditional sense (though I hoped for death in the end).

What I didn't realize then and have only begun to realize in the last four a half years is that life is the human condition. While we may try to avoid it, run from it, or hide altogether it cannot be escaped. The reality is that life is one big, messy, and beautiful mess. Humanity is one big, messy, and beautiful mess. I am learning to embrace life for what it is. It is beauty and it is pain. It is both easy and hard. Through the pain of my divorce, I have received the most loveliest of gifts.

One of my favorite quotes by Anais Nin describes life eloquently when she wrote:

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom".

Isn't that exactly what life is? Holding on to pain out of pure fear before accepting the beauty of surrender.

The girl with the tattoos

I've written about it before. Parents expect their son to bring home a wholesome girl next door (such as Jennifer Aniston) but are surprised when they instead get a scary Angelina Jolie. 

Yes, I'm that girl. During my years of trying to discover who I am I tried on multiple roles and preppy girl next door was one of them. At that time I fit that mold beautifully. I was a nanny for a wealthy family and it was expected. I'm grateful for that experience. As a result I acquired impeccable manners, grace, poise, and charm. 

I still possess those same traits but the real me is not in any way preppy. I am me. Finally in my late thirties I am comfortable in my own skin. Do I have tattoos? Yes, because each one means something to me. I wear black nail polish. I think it's classy. I almost always wear black-not because I'm morbidly sad but because it's who I am. I love who I am today. I love my life. 

So while I appear to be an Angelina Jolie, I'm actually a mixture of all past roles. There is no one mold fits all. People are often surprised when they get to know me. They discover that the girl with the tattoos is smart and has a great sense of humor. The point is you truly can't judge a book by its cover. The pages inside might surprise you.

Winter

1. Women's boots. I love them.

2. Long loopy scarves.

3. Snuggling on the couch.

4. Hot chocolate. 

5. Holidays.

6. Holiday movies.

7. Decorations.

8. Winter coats.

9. Snow falling.

10. Fireplaces.

No Reservation

I've looked for you everywhere.

This man who crushes me with his stare.

This man  I've longed for late at night.

This man who sets fire to my light.

Lost in his eyes I let go and fall.

Drowning in the anticipation of it all.

This man who holds my heart.

I'll risk it all from the start.

There is no hesitation.

I am in without reservation.

Absolution

"Forgive me father for I have sinned."

"How long has it been since your last confession?"

"Umm....one million years...."

I grew up Catholic and attended Catholic schools. I have great respect for Catholicism though I no longer practice that type of faith. That is not the point of this blog. And yet...this type of upbringing helped to shape me into who I am today. I have been cursed (blessed?) with the world's biggest conscience. But what does that really mean? I often immediately confess my wrongdoings to someone (note: I sometimes am confessing to someone who is a friend and not actually to the person I have wronged).  Which leads me to honesty. What does honesty even look like? I can certainly tell you what dishonesty is. After much thought and consideration, I would define honesty as being true to yourself. To intuitively know what is right or wrong. Honesty means living an authentic life. Honesty (like love) cannot exist with another human being until you've mastered these things within yourself and for yourself. Honesty means to honor yourself as well as others. It's expressing wonderful things such as love or hurtful news such as heartbreak. Honestly in relationships is vital yet often overlooked. To live an authentic life, a person must learn to distinguish the truth from the justifications which can be easily created in the mind. Honesty can be and in my opinion is a gift should we choose to embrace it. The point is that truth will always set you free. 

Love Actually

...and in the end, love conquers all.

I'm a certified pro. With divorces. Yes, I'm that girl. The one who's been married and divorced three times. My attorney can now likely draw up my papers blindfolded. Where does this leave me? Am I ashamed? No-not even close. When I love I love fiercely-I give it all I've got. Clearly that isn't always enough. But that's me and I own it. I still believe in love and in falling in love. Were there times in which I got hurt? Of course. Ever the optimist I believe in soul mates. I believe with all that I am that connectivity is precious and rare. That love can and does last. I'm a complicated mess of romance and passion. In my experience, love often knocks you off your feet before you know it. It's pure joy and hypnotic. Life is too short to not seize the moment. I believe that true, pure love actually does exist.

Gratitude

Blessings and miracles are all around us. Sometimes however, we need to pause and reflect as we may have become so involved in day to day life we've forgotten how important gratitude is. With that said, I'd like to express some gratitude in my life:

1. Thank you God for sobriety. Without you I am nothing.

2. Thank you for my son who is sensitive, smart, healthy, and caring.

3. Thank you for my family-they are my rock.

4. Thank you for love-particularly that which is unexpected.

5. Thank you for spiritual awakening and conscious contact with my higher power. 

6. Thank you for forgiveness and new beginnings.

7. Thank you for sponsorship and old timers.

8. Thank you for my love of books-they are my paperback friends.

9. Thank you for peace of mind.

10. Thank you for being able to meet basic needs.

12. Thank you for my ability to write-it is my creative outlet.

13. Thank you for my friends and their support. 

14. Thank you for my pets-sometimes they provide comfort when nothing else works.

15. Thank you for for physical, mental, and emotional health and wellbeing.

16. Thank you for my job which I love. 

17. Thank you for bringing people into my life when it's least expected.

18. Thank you for connectivity-it is rare and cherished.

19. Thank you for the beauty all around us if we only stop and look around.

20. Thank you for the strength to walk away from situations which are toxic and unhealthy.

My list could go on and on but just for today these are things I cherish.

Training Wheels

When I was very young I received my first bike. It was sky blue with wispy clouds complete with streamers and a basket. I coveted my bike and thought I was the queen of all things when riding it. Alas came the day when my training wheels were removed. After a few spills followed by some wobbly success in the grass, I bravely set out to conquer the world. At first things went smoothly, however, as I began to gain in speed I forgot how to use my brakes. Glorious scars remain to this day. As a result, I was shaken and refused to try again for some time.

Fast forward three decades and I find myself at a crossroads. It's time to remove my training wheels once more, however, this time I face life rather than a stretch of pavement. I'm scared. I'm anxious. I fight daily bouts of panic as my previous life crumples through my fingers. I thought I was safe. I thought I was loved and protected. I am vulnerable without the comfort of my training wheels. 

As a young child I struggled with mornings. I often had an upset stomach with crippling anxiety. I did not want to go to school because I didn't want to leave my place of security and venture into the unknown. And yet I thought I had conquered those demons long ago. Alas I'm once again frightened in the mornings. Sick with a hangover of "what ifs".  This is me at my weakest. Naked, exposed. 

With that said, I feel strong and confident in many areas. I am confident in my ability to parent, remain sober, and make it on my own. All of this takes courage, determination, and daily prayer. I work at it everyday. I sometimes fall short but I know God's got it. 

When all layers are peeled away, I'm scared of the unknown. That's the real issue. To put myself out there- because wouldn't it be safer and more comfortable not to? My demon, Isolation, calls to me; luring me into a false sense of safety. "Play it safe" she purrs. Today I will surrender but not to her. Today I choose to bend and not break. To lean in not out. To face the fear of the unknown. I am remembering life would not be life without that.

Blurred Lines

"Romance and Lust can lead to Love but sometimes it just leads to Great Sex"..Shanna Austin

I both love and hate this sentence equally. The inner delusional romantic in me screams "no-it should always lead to love!) Yet, the truth is sometimes it doesn't. And that may be equally enthralling. Great sex is often hard to come by.

Yet there is a jumping off point. What if emotions are already heavily involved? This is where lines may become blurred. In a perfect world two people who just want great sex meet each other and fuck-no ties, no expectations.  No messiness. Often however this isn't how it works. Don't get me wrong, the former "Gina Sometimes" is capable of having sex without expectations but it's known up front.  Easy, fun. I have a friend with whom this is an absolute given. We can (and have in the past) have fabulous sex and that's that. He goes back to his life and I go back to mine. But if I dig deep enough and confide my inner most secrets, I have found that the best kind of sex is where emotions are involved and there is at least a considerable percentage that it's actually going to progress into something more. Again this too is a rarity I've only experienced with few people( mainly my ex husbands. And although we are now divorced, it still clearly progressed).  

Which leads me to this...do I dare allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable? It's terrifying. I'd rather know up front--is this simply just for fun or is this possibly the real deal. I don't know the answer which is why crushes are called just that. You may become crushed to death. In the end I would have to say jump in. Maybe not all the way-just test the waters. 

List #934938488394893

Without question I will be repeating myself, however, it's been a long time.  So here it goes:
1. Fall is my favorite season. Pumpkins, fallen leaves, and beauty is apparent everywhere.
2. I hate Chinese food and Sushi.  I've tried it.  I just can't (no further explanation needed)..
3. Pizza is my downfall.  When my son orders it I insist he orders it from Papa John's as I do not like their sauce.  Luckily it's his favorite.
4. I have lost weight.  I still have more to go (ugh it's a process). 
5. I have rediscovered myself-my passion for all things.  This has been a true awakening.  I am blessed beyond measure.
6. I have unexpectedly found another person I connect with on many levels.  This is both thrilling and frightening.  Vulnerability will always be challenging for me.
7. My son is in high school. He is 5'11 and wears a size 14 shoe.  How has this happened?
8. I have truly missed writing.  It is cathartic as well as an outlet for creative expression.
9. I have not been on a first date in four years.
10. Although I've yet to meet her in person, one of my coworkers is one of my best friends.  I owe her a lot.  Especially now.
11. If Trump wins I may have to move to Canada.  God please no.  Just no.
12. AA has saved my life. 
13. I need to remember to "Let go and Let God"
14. Thanks to Dina I am now a Rustic Cuff fan.  I could choke her.  They are addictive. 
15. I am spending the night with my youngest sister tomorrow night as my mother will be out of town.  I know I will get no sleep.
16. My son and I are volunteering at Pets Smart Saturday morning.  Please please do not let me fall in love with any of the animals.  We have room for no more.
17. I love afternoon naps.
18. Black remains my go to with clothing and nails.  Not gothic just classy.
19. I still smoke.  Dammit. 
20. I love my job.  I get to help people everyday. 
21. I would like to teach an intro to social work course.  Note to self: contact university. 
22. Truthfully I would have no time.  I'd actually prefer to return to school.  I love it.
23. I cannot tolerate dishonesty and infidelity. 
24. My favorite lipstick has been discontinued.  Damn you Maybelline. 
25. I sometimes cuss.  I know this is unbecoming.
26. So I like this person a lot.  More will be revealed in time.
27. Henry our hedgehog has a new home (he was returned to the breeder who wanted him back).  Turns out hedgehogs aren't that friendly. 
28. I love the smell of lavender and flowers.  And Gain (as in the detergent).  I know I am a total weirdo. 
29. I still love to read.
30. The documentary "I AM" is the best documentary I have ever seen.
31. My time at the library is up.  They are giving me the evil eye.  I must go.

Eyes Wide Open

I now realize I was becoming spiritually sick during the latter part of my marriage.   It's only in hindsight I now see I had become withdrawn in multiple ways.  Looking back I now see their was little emotional intimacy (not for lack of trying).  Sleeping in separate beds for the last year should have been my first clue.  There were other red flags.  Sex was a rarity (well at least with me anyways).  Little affection and lack of intimacy are now apparent.  I was slowly withering away.  With that said, he claimed to worship me and in many ways attempted to express this in his indescribable charming manner.  Today I sincerely believe he remains in love with me and would do anything to get me back (though no doubt would eventually return to his womanizing ways).  He has some sort of brokenness that I for one cannot fix (and perhaps he is incapable as well).  I am often asked "how are you doing so well?"  I am doing well because I realized shortly after our separation the marriage was a façade-a mere illusion.  How could I possibly love a man I never really knew?  I don't know this person.  Yes,  I grieved the loss of a dream, however, it was short lived.  I had felt hoodwinked.  In fact I applaud his ingenuity (insert Rhianna's song "Take a Bow").  I have since reconnected with who I was before I became disillusioned and disconnected.  I have reignited a fire within myself that had been slowly smoldering.  To put it simply, I have found myself once again.  And I like her. 

Twist and Turns

Life occasionally throws some curveballs. It's expected. It's life. But I didn't just get thrown a curveball-I was flat out knocked out. Unconscious one might say. I discovered my husband's well hidden infidelity. I won't disclose the details (that's his story to tell, not mine), however I will state it was lengthy. Shocked and left reeling was my initial state. Then of course I commenced to progress through the well known steps of grieving (shock, denial, anger, etc). I am choosing to also keep those details to myself. What I will say is that I now feel stronger, tougher, and more whole. It's a process. I must daily deal with the fact that though I thought I was happily married, my husband was leading a double life. I hold no blame or anger towards these women. They were simply seduced by a man who is both charming and alluring. He is hard to resist- it's a magnetic pull I cannot describe. Now  that the smoke and mirrors are gone I see him clearly for the first time. I feel sorry for him. This is a pattern of behavior that he cannot escape. What a lonely life that must be.

Catching up

I haven't blogged since 2013...this floors me. For me, writing is cathartic. I have always expressed myself better on paper versus an actual conversation. With that said, so much has changed-where do I even begin? I suppose I'll start with a list of the basics:
1. My son is now 14 and will be a Freshman this Fall. I have yet to accept this.
2. I now have a fabulous job. In the interest of keeping my personal and professional lives separated, I'd prefer not to name my current employer. I will confess that I work from home in my PJs and love it. My job is amazing-it's exactly where I'm supposed to be at this time.
3. I got remarried on February 28, 2014. He is without question my perfect match.
4. I have 5 pets (yes, I've become THAT lady). Three are indoor pets (2 cats and 1 dog). The second two are outdoor cats. One of which is feral (it took 6 months before I could touch her. Now she is my shadow). I have a serious problem with collecting strays.
5. One of the indoor cats is my former hairless cat, Max. My ex husband, Matt, asked me to take him back last year due to his living situation at that time. I am so glad I did-we love him dearly.
6. Last year I quit smoking for 10 months. I went back to smoking for 5 months and now have 90 days nicotine free. Freedom-it's a beautiful thing.
7. I haven't had a sip of alcohol in nearly 4 years. Sobriety is amazing and I thank God for it everyday. My life is infinitely better. Who would have thought?
8. I live two streets over from my mom and youngest sister. We now walk together nearly every evening. I feel so blessed to have family close by.
9. I've recently gained a significant amount of weight and have since embarked on a wellness plan (disclaimer: quitting smoking equals added pounds). I feel and look better already.
10 To be completely transparent, I've not blogged because I've not had my own personal laptop (lame excuse but it's true). I bought one today and it's pissing me off right now as I type (why the hell can't I find spell check?)
11.I religously go to bed at 10 every night--no more "Gina sometimes" stories (my apologies to those who lived vicariously through her). Waking up with peace of mind is priceless.
12.I wrote a book about my life in 2012. Maybe I'll have the opportunity to publish it someday. Maybe I won't. I'm okay with whatever may be.
13.I love my family and my home. I no longer feel trapped or feel the need to escapee. To those who know me well this is a miracle in and of itself.
14. Somehow spellcheck has begun working. Ha! Not today Satan (insert smirk).
15. My ex husband Matt and I remain good friends. This makes me smile.
16. My son is 5'10" and wears a size 14 shoe. How.
17. I am still scared of the Mothman and probably always will be. If you don't know what it is, watch the movie "The Mothman". Even better, read the book.
18. My love of books and voracious reading returned once I quit drinking. This has been one of the greatest gifts restored to me. I missed books more than I could have possibly imagined.
19. I struggle daily with guilt. I remain haunted by my two years of alcoholic spiraling. I wouldn't have classified myself as an excessive drinker because I didn't become one until 2010. Only then did the grip take hold. It lasted for two and half years and was a journey to hell and back.
20. Never before have I shared my alcoholism on a public platform. It's scary.
21. The first thing I gained in treatment was my faith in God and the Universe. Without that light, I wouldn't have made it.
22. This list will now contain less heavy material.
23. My sister who lived in New York moved back two years ago. I don't have the opportunity to see her often but I feel better just knowing she's here.
24. My husband can fix anything.
25. We keep my husband's granddaughter every other Saturday. I love her dearly but cannot refer to myself as a grandmother. Not yet anyway.
26. I have amazing step children. The oldest, Casey, is now married and has the most gorgeous months old daughter. His wife is nothing less than wonderful. The second oldest, Courtney, is a hard worker and a good mother. Her daughter, Sophia, is nearly four years old. Soph is hilarious (case in point: she told me this past weekend that "Jesus died on the croc"). Katie is my husband's third child. She's in college and majoring in Nursing. She's so smart and strives hard to do well. And last, their is Olivia who is adorably sweet and kind.
27. I am an introvert (though I can play the role of an extrovert for long periods of time). I will always prefer to stay home versus going out. It is a very real struggle for me to socialize in large groups.
28. I never get lonely. I am completely content to spend time alone.
29. I remain a liberal Democrat but no longer engage in debates with Republicans. I can't change their minds and they certainly can't change mine.
30. I believe all paths ultimately lead to God. I believe in the saying that "Religion is man made and Spirituality is God given". It's okay if others don't agree.
31. I have found that I am far more relaxed and accepting at 37 than I've ever been before. I look forward to the years to come.
32. Even so, I still get Botox. Vanity is my downfall.
33. My third sister, Erica, lives in AL. I miss her.
34. My youngest sister is learning to drive. This terrifies me.
35. I have a hedgehog named Henry. He is not friendly.
36. Someday I want to live in the country. I plan on getting two goats, chickens and at least one pig. I miss my former pig, Lola.
37. I could go on and on with this list. This is enough for now.
38. My paternal grandmother died four years ago. I miss her more each year.
XOXO