Gone but never forgotten

I was both saddened and shocked to learn of the passing of a dear friend today.  Ryan was not only a good friend to me but a great friend to countless others.  From the notes he passed me under the desk in sixth grade to the highs school weekend field parties ("stay out of the beans"), Ryan could not help but capture the attention of others.  Generous, positive, and upbeat, Ryan's charismatic personality touched the lives of many.  Appropriately nicknamed "Skittles" in high school (though he loathed the name) he brought color into the lives of all lucky enough to have known him.  I feel fortunate that we remained in contact over the years-even hitting a few Lexington hot spots during one of his visits a couple years back.  I feel even more fortunate that I will forever hold the fondest of memories of Ryan---my favorite being his impromptu dancing in church our sixth grade year (much to the chagrin of our teachers).  Ryan, your enthusiasm for life was contagious and although we often agreed to disagree, we did so with laughter and humor.  This past summer you tried so hard to rally our graduating class for our 15 year reunion (sadly to no avail) and instead you've rallied an entire city with your passing.  You will be missed greatly and it has been not only a privilege but an honor to have been your friend. You will be missed more than words can adequately express.

Much love,

S

Short Changed....

I recently had the privilege of meeting two (out of a total of four) of my boyfriend's children.  I first met his sixteen-year-old daughter--a beautiful, funny, and talented teenager--one week ago.  She is the type of person blessed to be born with a a warm, engaging, and magnetic personality.  Her shining spirit (as well as her obvious love and affection for her family) is nothing short of amazing.  She possesses an infectious laugh which immediately brightens the lives of those lucky enough to be in her presence.  With her loving and kind hearted personality, she has captured my heart already. 

Next, I met my boyfriend's twenty-four year old son.  Like his father, his charm and sense of humor attracts all who are in his presence.  Attractive, intelligent, and comical he naturally captures the hearts of many who  long to be his girlfriend.  His relationship with his father is something to be envied- the obviously close knit relationship they have goes far beyond the typical father and son bond.  With his witty and engaging personality, he has charmed me already. 

Although I have not yet met the remaining two children (both girls ages four and nineteen), there remains no doubt they are as wonderful as their siblings.  My boyfriend's nineteen-year-old daughter is said to possess beauty, talent and creativity.  A dedicated mother to her young daughter, she works hard to succeed and will triumphantly graduate from the esteemed Paul Mitchell School in the near future.  I simply cannot wait to meet her. 

Last, there remains the youngest sibling--a four-year-old adorable bundle of cuteness and energy.  Rumored to possess an engaging and fun loving personality, I have no doubt that I too will fall under her spell.  Being a self proclaimed barbie fanatic, I can only hope she adores them as well. 

Previously I wrote that I had no intention of becoming involved with a person who had children.  I now realize I would have sold myself short had I not approached the situation with willingness and an open mind.  I believe these four children will not only enrich my life, but also enrich the lives of my family.  I feel extremely blessed and honored at being given the opportunity to get to know each one. 

Ramble on...

1. According to my mother, my dad wanted to name me Stevie or Sam (short for Samantha). 
2. My mom vetoed his requests and nearly named me Jacqueline before settling on Shanna.
3. My middle name is Leigh (which I unknowingly spelled wrong until I was twelve years old).
4. My "real" nails are thin, brittle, and peel (hence the acrylics I'll likely wear for life). 
5. I have lost nearly 20 pounds since the end of July.  I call it the break up diet.
6. Although my son plays soccer, I will never be a "soccer mom".
7. I still love big wheels, barbies, and playing dress up.
8. I finally understand what marriage is and why others might want to do it. 
9. I have gone through four cell phones during the last 22 months... 
10. As a result, purchasing optional insurance is no longer an option. 
11. I am about to fall asleep as I type this list. 
12. I would like to take dance lessons in order to learn traditional dances(such as the tango, fox trot, etc.)
13. I am in complete denial that Christmas is a mere 72 days away. 
14. I enjoy volunteering at Sal's on Thanksgiving day (it serves as a great reminder of the many blessings in my life).
15. I keep my thermostat set at 69 degrees year round.
16. I still do not understand the rules, etc. of playing football.
17. I recently read "Something Borrowed" and "Something Blue".  Both were quite good. 
18. I am thrilled my son enjoys reading as much as I do. 
19. Catch phrase is my favorite game to play...
20. But Connect Four is a close second.

Love Actually

As Long As You Love Me...

I'll love you back with all that I am
I'll never give you a reason to distrust me
I'll always have your back
I'll support you in all you do
I'll listen to your bedtime stories with rapt attention
I'll make you smile and give you reasons to laugh
I'll be faithful through and through
I'll be your loudest cheerleader
I'll be your soft place to fall
I'll have eyes only for you
I'll treat you with kindness, respect, and integrity
I'll be your sounding board
I'll pretend to support your political views
I'll kiss away any fears or anxiety
I'll share my secrets, dreams, and life with you
I'll cherish every moment we spend together
I'll be your best friend and greatest ally

I'll pull you up should you fall down
I'll love you with complete abandon

Wanted

"I wanna wrap you up
 Wanna kiss your lips
 I wanna make you feel wanted"

" I wanna call you mine
 Wanna hold your hand forever
 Never let you forget it
 'Cause baby I wanna make you feel wanted"

- "Wanted" by Hunter Hayes

The definition of love is challenging (if not impossible) to accurately define.  Affection, desire, adoration, passion, and tenderness are but a few synonyms used to describe (romantic) love.  While I find some of these synonyms helpful, all (in my opinion) fall short.  In part, this may be due to the challenges in trying to convey any emotion (particularly love) with mere words.  Nonetheless, I feel I must share (through my writing) as I have never felt more wanted than I do right now...

...it's the eager anticipation of his arrival
...it's the passion he conveys-through his words, his touch, his eyes, and his soul
...it's the thrill of desire--escalating from "I want" to "I need" 
...it's the way my heart races when his skin's pressed to mine
...it's the laughter when we're together that adds color to my life
...it's discovering and cherishing the most profound connection that can exist between two people
...it's our souls recognition of each other
...it's a level of love, passion, and emotions previously unknown
...it's the desire to have him become a part of my life in every way
...it's because I am deeply, passionately and madly in love with him
...it's my knees becoming weak each time I see him (especially when he's wearing his glasses)
...it's his tenderness, thoughtfulness, and passion which have captured not only my heart but also my soul
...it's his kindness, sincerity, and genuineness that takes my breath away
...it's being swept away each time we kiss
...it's everything in every way and I cannot imagine my life without him
..

Donkeys vs. Elephants

Given the Presidential debate will be occurring this evening, I felt compelled to write about some of the fundamental differences between the two main parties (note: these are my opinions and my opinions only):

Democrats vs. Republicans:

Economic Ideas:
Democrats: Favor minimum wages and progressive taxation i.e. higher tax rates for higher income brackets.
Republicans: Believe taxes shouldn't be increased for anyone (including the wealthy) and that wages should be set by the free market.

*Personally I believe all persons should be taxed equally.  From my perspective, if you make more, then you will logically pay more in taxes.  Given the increasingly growing gap between the upper class and the lower/middle classes, I feel it is irresponsible to give the ultra wealthy special tax breaks.  In my opinion, the "working poor" should be given opportunities to succeed economically- we are a nation of one--not a nation of super wealthy vs. poor.  To quote Ghandi, "A nation's greatness is measured by how it treats its weakest members".

Stand on Military issues:
Democrats: Decreased spending
Republicans: Increased spending

*While I feel military safety, training, etc. is important, I personally believe the budget allotted for the military is grossly inflated.  It concerns me that more and more money continues to be set aside for military purposes at the expense of cutting funds from other areas.  After all, what is the point in having a "super" military if our country (and its citizens) has fallen apart? 

Stand on gay marriage:
Democrats: Support (some Democrats disagree)
Republicans: Oppose (some Republicans disagree)

*I feel very strongly about affording equal rights to all citizens.  I have long been a strong opponent of mixing religion and politics (and in my opinion those who object to gay marriage do so based upon their own "moral"/religious reasons).  Upholding the "separation of church and state" is of monumental importance to me (which is the primary reason I am not in favor of having prayer in public schools--as public schools are ran by the government).  Private schools exist so that they may operate under different policies and procedures (i.e. prayer in school) and are therefore entitled to make these types of decisions at their own discretion (hence the term private).  Furthermore, if religion and/or prayers were permitted in the public school system, who decides which religion is taught?  I feel it would be extremely unfair for a teacher/staff to impose his or her (subjective) religious views (which may vary wildly from the child's family's religious views) onto the students they teach.  As for gay marriage, I feel two human beings (who are of legal age) should be permitted to marry if they so choose.  I feel it's a violation of human rights to pass moral judgment onto another simply based upon sexual orientation.  This is (in my opinion) discrimination at its worst. 

Stand on abortion:
Democrats: Should not be made illegal; support Roe v. Wade (some Democrats disagree)
Republicans: Should not be legal; oppose Roe v. Wade (some Republicans disagree)

*The subject of abortion has long been a hotly debated topic.  Personally, I do not think I could make the decision to have an abortion, however, I do not believe that the right to choose should be criminalized.  Abortions occur regardless as to whether it's legalized or not.  In fact, some researchers report that abortion rates are higher whenever abortion is outlawed  Furthermore, abortions performed illegally are much riskier and can pose severe health risks to the women who seek them.  Regardless of health related risks, moral implications, etc. I do firmly believe in a woman's right to choose and that abortion should remain legal.  In addition, I am a strong proponent of teaching sex education in schools- after all, teen pregnancy rates are statistically higher in schools who do not utilize a sex education curriculum.  I personally find it ridiculous when a person states that allowing access to condoms in schools will only encourage a child to be sexually active.  Having been a teenager myself (and in a Catholic school that did not provide free access to condoms) I can assure you that my peers as well as myself were sexually active.  I do not condone premarital sex, however, if teenagers are going to be sexually active (and most of them will be), safe and protected sex is paramount. 

Stand on Death penalty:
Democrats: While support for the death penalty is strong among Democrats, opponents of the death penalty are a substantial fraction of the Democratic base.
Republicans: A large majority of Republicans support the death penalty.

*This is a tough issue for me.  At one time I did support the death penalty, however, over the years I have slowly begun to move to the other side.  Personally I believe life in prison without the possibility of parole is a much more punitive sentence.  Furthermore, although many victims families favor the death penalty, few appear to receive any real relief of closure once the death sentence has been carried out. 

Social and human ideas:
Democrats: Based on community and social responsibility
Republicans: Based on individual rights and justice

*It is this area in which I think the true differences between Democrats and Republicans become most blatant.  The following are some of the highlights between the two parties:

"Democrats appreciate collective interdependence in society. Republicans are all about the individual, protecting the individual from other people, and ensuring that the individual need not be burdened by collective issues surrounding them in society, nor the tax burdens that might be associated with dealing with these problems. But, this under-appreciates how we are connected to each other in such an intimate way; where an individuals success, in an economy, is dependent on the success and demand coming from other individuals in a society. Where someones own education is dependent on the society that fosters it, and the education of those individuals around them. Where someones health and safety are dependent on the sanitation, police forces, and social services available.


Republicans forget government is of, by, and for the people. Republicans often bash government and celebrate the individual over government, as if we don't live in a democracy, where government is of, by, and for the people. In a democracy, the government is not an oppressive monolithic figure. Instead, it is composed of elected officials and is, therefore, controlled and directed by the will of the people. To bash government is, therefore, to bash the citizens behind it."

While the above excerpt only begins to scratch the surface of the fundamental differences between the two parties on their social views, etc., it does (in my opinion) offer a fairly accurate summary. 

I will now step off of my soapbox....may the debates commence

Random #1.5 million and counting

On occasion I make a list of random thoughts, ideas, and things about myself as well as the world at large.  It's written in good fun so please treat it as such-

1.  Despite my son turning eleven this upcoming Sunday, I am still occasionally surprised I am a parent... 
2.  Because I often still feel like a kid myself.
3.  According to my mother, I cried for hours (if not days) prior to my first dental appointment as a child...
4.  Sadly, this has not changed (even at thirty-three years of age).
5.  I was thirteen the first time I fell in love. 
6.  I believe the first time a person falls in love they fall the hardest (as they have no frame of reference or   past experiences to draw from and are therefore at their most vulnerable).
7.  My first love and I remain friends to this day.
8.  At present I am the happiest I have ever been.
9.  Until now, I did not believe this depth of happiness existed.
10. A true connection with another person is rare, precious, and should be cherished as such...
11. I feel truly blessed to have discovered mine.
12. Our most painful experiences will later become our greatest assets.  Thus, that which does not kill you not only makes you stronger but also wiser. 
13. I accept the aging process and would not return to my younger years if given the option-I choose wisdom over youth every time.
14. Soul mates exist... 
15. You will undeniably know when you have found yours. 
16. Express yourself-you never know when your actions or words might inspire others.
17. Love deeply and passionately as it's the only real way to love.
18. Live in today.  If you live only in yesterday or only for tomorrow, you will never truly live at all.
19. Let go of resentments and make amends-in doing so you not only heal others but yourself as well.
20. The greatest gift you can give yourself is love, acceptance, and forgiveness.  Once you have done so, you will be able to freely pass on these gifts to others.
21.  Learn to live fully in the present as each of us is only promised with today.

"You Oughta Know"

'cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
 And I'm not gonna fade
 As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
 And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
 I hope you feel it...well can you feel it
-Alanis Morissette "You Oughta Know"

Contradiction:
1. Something illogical: something that has aspects that are illogical or inconsistent with each other.
2. Opposing statement: a statement, or the making of a statement, that opposes or disagrees with somebody 
    or something.

I have long been baffled by people whom I perceive to be walking contradictions.  I feel certain we have all experienced this at one time or another- dealing with the type of person who professes one thing but whose actions contradict the very thing in which they are professing.  At present, I find myself in this very situation.  When the line between true and false is as blurred as it is in this instance it is difficult to siphon away the lies in order to see the truth. 

(Disclaimer: the following are not verbatim statements, are in no particular order, and are anonymous contradictions which may or may not be based upon actual events.  Any identification with the following statements/contradictions does not mean this author is referring to you.  If you feel your pride or maturity is at risk, please take caution and discontinue reading.  Reader discretion is advised.)

What he said: I love your writing- it's open and honest.  It's personal and really speaks to people. 
What he meant: You overshare in your blogs.  You reveal too much about yourself.  You use your blogs to manipulate others.  You need a co-author to review and approve of your blogs.

What he said: I don't want to date other people.  I don't want to share you with anyone else.  I love you.  I want you to cut your ex spouse out of your life (as well as your child's life).  I want you to be mine and mine only.
What he meant: Our relationship was never a big deal.  Although I didn't want to share you, I had no problem intimately sharing myself with others.  I'm not sure why you're mad- we had already broken up before you found out I was sleeping with my ex while you and I were together.

I could go on ad nauseum but it's pointless to become fixated on details from the past.  The important thing is to recognize a situation for what it is and to take away whatever lessons you can gain from the situation.  In hindsight, I recognize the blazing red flags (jealousy, control, and manipulation) that were frantically waving at me in vain- (alas, I failed to heed their warnings and run).  And yet...I find myself grateful for the "crash course" reminder in dating.  I realize that I needed to be reminded of what behaviors I find acceptable and those which I refuse to tolerate. 

Lastly,
To those whom think I should censor what I write---writing is who I am.  It is my constitutional right to have the freedom to express myself.  Writing is and alway will be an expression of who I am.  This particular blog has been in existence since 2006.  It has chronicled my life through the ups as well as the downs.  While each person is entitled to their own opinion, if my writing agitates a reader then it is his or her right to stop reading it.  I would no more try to direct an artist on how to paint a picture than I would try to tell an author what he or she should be writing about.

Blow Me

"I will do what I please, anything that I want
 I will breathe, I won't breathe, I won't worry at all
 You will pay for your sins, you'll be sorry my dear
 All the lies, all the wise, will be crystal clear"...

-Pink "Blow Me {One Last Kiss}"

As much as I would like to indulge my anger and wallow in self-pity, I truly am trying to live differently today.  While I have no intention of throwing my ex under the bus (alas he has done a fine job of placing himself there), I do feel I have legitimate reasons for being angry.  My former self would have cared nothing about legitimacy or the lack thereof and would have instead behaved viciously upon learning of the infidelity.  In essence, my former self would have lunged for his emotional jugular- all of which I felt was justified in the name of glorified vengeance.  My former self would have utilized cruel manipulative tactics in order to seek what I perceived to be justified payback.  Admittedly, my former self would have patiently waited for the right opportunity before returning the favor of stabbing the metaphorical knife through the heart. 

That is not who I am today.

Today (although self admittedly hurt and angry), I am choosing to take whatever lessons I can gain from this experience and let the rest go.  I have faith that this situation occurred at this particular time in order for me to further my personal growth.  What I have discovered are the dangers of naively jumping in- of blindly trusting that all people possess nothing but good intentions.  I have long had the unfortunate tendency of blindly trusting that no person would ever intentionally set out to harm me.  Painfully I have discovered this is not always true and to continue believing in this type of fallacy may result in unsafe (if not outright dangerous) consequences.  Through this experience I have also come to realize that some people are incapable of loving and caring for another person in a healthy way...for whatever reason, they have simply never learned how to behave otherwise.  Last, I have learned that while all people suffer from some sort of emotional sickness, some are much sicker than others.  I cannot blame an emotionally sick person for being ill any more than I can blame a terminally ill patient for being sick.  Regardless of my current feelings of hurt and betrayal, I know that in time I will take away great strength from this experience. 

Need vs. Want

God-
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.  

It's taken me a long time to distinguish what I want from what I actually need. Despite this newly acquired insight, choosing the latter is still often challenging.  I find it more common than not that what I want isn't always healthy or in my best interest.  To further complicate the issue, I find myself in a situation in which I must walk away-not because I want to but because I need to.  Just a few short months ago this would have been an extremely difficult if not impossible decision for me to make.  To put it bluntly, in the past I often made decisions based on self regardless of the adverse consequences.  Today I have found that I have the strength and the courage to choose that which is healthiest for me (even when my heart is pleading for me not to do so).  Through a recent experience I have discovered a level of love and respect for myself which was previously lacking or nonexistent altogether.  Additionally, I realized only recently how much personal growth I have made during the last few months (note: this did not come easily nor without the help and guidance of others).  My former self would have been unable to hold tight to the standards by which I strive to live by today.  Today I am beyond grateful that my higher power has given me the courage to stand up for myself-whether this be challenging the manner in which I perceive another is treating me or to remove myself from a situation that is emotionally unhealthy.  Furthermore I am grateful to my higher power for granting me the wisdom to see things as they are--to understand that I lack the power to change a situation or set of circumstances.  I thank God for the gift of acceptance-particularly the ability to accept that I cannot change the way things happen nor change how other people feel (no matter how badly I wish I could).  I have learned to respect and love myself even when it means walking away from a situation will only break my heart (and broken my heart it has).  I am grateful that God has shown me that I am worthy of love and respect from others-that I am indeed worthy of being treated kindly and with tenderness and love.  I am extremely grateful that through God's grace I can see the gifts and lessons to be learned in even the most painful of situations.  Through God I am realizing I am enough--I just needed a little help believing it.        

Killing Me Softly

"Codependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as in an addiction to alcohol or drugs); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of or control of another.  It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.  Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.  Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns.  Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent".

Human beings possess what psychologists call a "Homing Instinct".  In essence, this can be described as the need to reconstruct the familiar- to recreate the family life our childhood in our present relationships.  Ironically, the more painful and dysfunctional the circumstances our childhood entailed, the more compelled we are to recreate the situations in our present day lives.  It is important to note that these compulsions are recreated unconsciously.  According to various research in this field, only 20% of our decisions come from the conscious, reasoning mind; the remaining 80% comes from deep within.   The most obvious question one may ask is why would any person go to such extreme lengths to replicate such toxic situations?  While therapists give a multitude of reasons for this need to repeat the past, the most common reason includes recreating that which is familiar.  For example, although a particular event or living situation may have been uncomfortable-even abusive, it is familiar because it is what we have been conditioned to view as "normal".  After all, "normal" is subjective- as children we believe our family of origin and our home environment is the manner in which all other families function.  Herein lies the danger of codependency- unless we can identify and heal the wreckage of our past, we are often doomed to repeat it.

I can relate.  Growing up my parents marriage was less than ideal.  My parents relationship was unhealthy and in my opinion emotionally abusive.  My intent is not to attribute blame, but rather to state the situation as it is.  I blame no one for events that took place in my childhood- each parent did they best they could do at that particular time.  With that said, this is not to suggest that no harm took place or that long term effects were not set into motion that would later unfold.  It was not until my first marriage began to fall apart that (through the help of a gifted therapist) I began to see I had recreated my parents marriage when I married my first husband.  The emotional distance and lack of intimacy I witnessed in my childhood were traits I vowed to avoid when selecting a partner however; this is exactly what I chose with my then partner.  Hence, coming from a dysfunctional family I later found myself in the very same dysfunctional relationship I had tried to avoid.

Unfortunately codependency is a learned trait and is often passed down from one generation to the next.  Thus, if a person remains trapped in a vicious cycle of codependency they are teaching their own child/children the very traits they wish to escape.  Because codependency is often subtle and subconsciously learned, breaking the cycle is difficult but of monumental importance.  While I was able to later break free from my first dysfunctional marriage, it would take many painful years before I began to address the very issues which led me to seek out that type of relationship to begin with.  As a result, I went on (post divorce) to become involved in various types of addictive behaviors and/or unhealthy relationships.  Though I still have much further to go, it has been through mentors, therapists, support groups, books, prayer, etc. that I have been able to recognize my own codependent tendencies and begin to behave and choose differently.  By no means has this been an easy endeavor.  At present I find myself in my first (ever) healthy adult romantic relationship.  Luckily I have been blessed to find a partner who is not only willing to help me grow but who is also on a journey of self growth.  To summarize, codependency is a type of bondage that not only affects the individual but also the family at large.  Fortunately, the bondage of self ceases to be powerful the very moment in which one recognizes it is only bondage to begin with.

Whips and chains excite me...

Cause I may be bad
But I’m perfectly good at it
Sex in the air
I don’t care
I love the smell of it
Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But chains and whips
Excite me….

-Rihanna

Thanks in part to the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy; “mommy porn” is now more socially acceptable. Not surprisingly, Fifty Shades flew off the shelves and quickly outsold the Harry Potter series (one of the highest grossing series of all times). While I personally enjoy a little smut in my life, until Fifty Shades the majority of this type of genre was (in my opinion) lacking with regard to plot, literary content, and in the development of plausible characters.

What fascinates me most is the suddenly overwhelmingly positive reception of “mommy porn” for female readers. I can’t help but wonder why it was this particular series (and at this particular time) that eradicated taboos formerly associated with women purchasing porn. Furthermore, Fifty Shades isn’t your typical porn-rather it glorifies S and M, bondage, and discipline. While I consider myself as having a liberal and occasionally feminist point of view, I personally believe this type of porn is not demeaning nor is it harmful. Why shouldn’t women enjoy porn just as much as men? Although many women may not want to admit it, there is something delicious in letting go of control in the bedroom and allowing your partner to dominate you. Many women today are overwhelmed by their own lives-they are in charge of the children, their household, etc. It’s no small wonder the opportunity to surrender and allow their partner to take control in the bedroom can be so tantalizing. I am in no way supporting humiliating, degrading or brutal treatment of another; rather, I am referring (and encouraging) situations which are safe, trusting, and mutually pleasurable for both partners. With that said ladies invest in some bondage and lower your inhibitions- in doing so, you may just find your own Christian Grey.

Bump in the night...

I'm afraid of...

Spiders of all kinds...
Walking through the woods at night...
The Mothman...
Alien abductions...
Standing at the edge of a high cliff...
Republicans...
Being caught in a tornado with no basement in sight...
Reckless drivers...
Desperate people...
Cracks in walls...
Walking across drains/vents in the sidewalk...
People who yell...
Religious fanatics...
Turbulence when flying...
Driving at night in the rain...
Looking out of windows at night...

Parched

Although I generally use my computer to type, I still love writing things down with a good pen. There is a sense of satisfaction each time I get the opportunity to use good writing paper, delicate stationary, and/or thick linen note cards.  I can easily spend hours inside office supply and copy shops pouring over the office/stationary sections.  Why?  Because I love the way thin delicate tissue paper feels in my hands, the smell of expensive ink on paper, and heavy pens that curl into my hand.  And though I have great affection for expensive paper and old fashioned penmanship, my love affair with books is far greater.  Drop me off at a book store and I can happily spend hours (if not days) roaming the shelves and reading that which intrigues me.

Over the last few years many consumers have opted to forgo paperbacks in favor of electronic books (i.e. Kindle, I pad, etc.).  While I understand the convenience and allure of these types of devices (and I certainly wouldn't pass up the opportunity to own one), there is something to be said for holding the actual book in your own hands.  I love each one of the books I own dearly and have never been able to part with them (despite the plethora of used  book stores that would happily buy them back).  Without books lining the walls of my bookshelves my rooms would seem naked.  In fact, if I had a room to do with what I pleased I would create a floor to ceiling library (yes an actual library would be my "dream room").  Does this sound a bit bookish?  Too librarian?  Perhaps.  I am not ashamed to admit it....books have been my constant companion since I learned to read.  They have been my confidantes, my heroes, my lovers, and my friends.  Books have introduced me to eras from long ago and places I might otherwise never have known.  Through books I have lived many lives-some tragic, some passionate.  Because of books I am the person I am today...

"A great book should leave you with many experiences, and slightly exhausted.  You should live several lives while reading it." 

-William Styron

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions…”

I created my blog, Blurbs from the Burbs, roughly five years ago. Initially my writing served as a therapeutic outlet allowing me to express in writing what I sometimes struggled to express with words. Through writing I began to discover my inner self- at last, a creative outlet that allowed me to release feelings and emotions I had been drowning in for years. Hate it or love it, writing has been and always will be cathartic for me.

When I began my blog, the social networking sites were in their infancy stages. Never believing anyone would actually be interested in reading my blogs, I wrote out of a deep need to express things that were going on in my life. During the first couple of years a few family members would read my blogs occasionally, however, it was sporadic at best. The audience (or lack thereof) was of little importance to me at that time- I simply had to put pen to paper in order to survive emotionally. While I know that my blog is posted on a public website I often forget I have several dedicated readers (for which I am grateful-it is my greatest wish that at least one person may identify with a problem I once had and as a result make better decisions than I was capable of making during those times).

With that said, I am no saint. I was spiritually and emotionally sick for many years during my blogging (which becomes very apparent if you begin reading them from beginning to end). In hindsight I realize I sometimes manipulated others through my blogging (many times without forethought however, ignorance is never an excuse). I have also found that whenever I am upset I sometimes revert back to my former manipulative patterns of behavior. I am not proud of this. This was not an easy realization to hear or to accept. While I cannot go back and erase any of the damage I may have caused, I do have a responsibility to ensure all future blogging is done so with sensitivity and tact.

When I write I do so from a genuine and sometimes emotionally raw place (thus, I am overly sensitive and protective of my blogs). Consequently when it was brought to my attention that although my intentions may be good, my blogs are open to subjective interpretation (albeit the reader ultimately formulates their own interpretation which may or may not conflict with my true intent) I did not react well. Upon hearing this I was hurt and angry. After taking some time and reviewing some of my blogs, I realized there were some that could not only be misinterpreted but also some that looked like character assassinations. At that moment I was overcome with guilt and remorse to learn that while I had been trying to help others I may have inadvertently harmed them instead.

For this I can only offer my sincerest apologies to those I may have harmed or wronged in any way through my writing. I will strive from this point forward to be conscientious and respectful in my writing whenever it involves a third person party. Though it was a painful lesson to learn, I am forever grateful for the person who was brave enough to act as my teacher…

You know who you are ;-)

The Chronicles of Charlie

Dear Mommy-

I think I was abducted by aliens this past Saturday.  The aliens performed odd and uncomfortable procedures on me...they called it "grooming" but I believe it could actually be classified as cruel and unusual punishment.  The aliens took a lot of hair samples as well as some of my nail clippings (no doubt in an attempt to learn more information about our planet before they stage their attack).  Once the aliens had collected enough specimens, they washed and powdered me (most likely an attempt to remove any traceable amounts of their existence--i.e. fingerprints, etc.--).  Last (before they released me), the aliens attached green monitoring devices on either side of my ears (I'm certain these were for tracking purposes).  Luckily for me I was able to remove the tracking devices and hopefully postpone their invasion of our planet.  I guess you could say I'm a hero.

Yours,

Charlie

Miscellaneous (#252 and counting)...

1. It is absolutely impossible for me to sleep without a floor fan.

2. Which can be embarrassing when checking in at a hotel.

3. I get sick every time the weather changes from warm/hot to cool/cold (in that order only).

4. Which makes living in Kentucky super fun.

5. As a child I desperately wanted to grow up to be a veterinarian.

6. God apparently did not agree with my ambitions as I am severely allergic to all animals with the exception of “hypo-allerginic” dogs, hairless cats, and pigs.

7. So I became a social worker instead.

8. But I honestly think animals would have been easier to help than people.

9. I still love to color…bonus points if it includes a brand new box of Crayola crayons.

10. I love roller-skating.

11. But as an adult it’s not nearly as effortless as it was when I was a child.

12. I have committed to purchasing Chantix this week regardless as to whether my insurance covers it or not…it is time to quit smoking.

13. As in forever.

14. With the exception of Subway I care little for fast food.

15. My daily quota of coffee has become alarmingly high.

16. Without a minimum of 8 hours of sleep I am worthless.

17. I can take naps very late in the afternoon and still go to bed by 10 each night.

18. I became ridiculously excited today when I spied fall décor and Halloween candy at Wal-mart.

19. My fall boots are ready to come out and play.

20. My scarves want to tag along too

Miss No-Longer Afraid

"When Miss Independent walked away
 No time for love that came her way
 She looked in the mirror and thought today
 What happened to Miss No-longer-afraid?"
"It took some time for her to see
 How beautiful love could truly be
 No more talk of, "Why can’t that be me?"
 I’m so glad I finally see"
 -Kelly Clarkson

Cautious, distrustful, reluctant- all of these adjectives adequately described my views on love and happiness-that is, until recently.  Although there are likely a multitude of reasons that contributed to my recently changed views, I believe personal growth is the main contributing factor.  I have been working very hard at breaking down emotional barriers I created long ago (the same barriers I vowed never to break down all in the name of "self-protection").  Though it's cliche, I truly do believe "like attracts like" and that "you  are the company that you keep"....which isn't necessarily a bad thing...unless you happen to be at an emotionally unhealthy place in your life.  Unfortunately, I was caught in the midst of emotional toxicity for many years and it has only been through diligent and concentrated efforts, that I finally began to make significant progress. This is not to suggest that I have conquered all of my demons or that I do not have to continue working on myself (as I am well aware this will be a life long process).  What I did not expect is for all of the hard work to so quickly begin producing such amazing results.  Until now, I did not realize that once I arrived at a healthy, happy place that it would in turn attract others who are there as well.  In short, my "What a Girl Wants" blog has materialized (shocking I know- I mean have you read all of the *monumental* qualifications I penned?)   Nonetheless, it has happened...I've been swept off my feet...

Can't Buy Me Love...

Say you don't need no diamond rings
And I'll be satisfied
Tell me that you want the kind of things
That money just can't buy
I don't care too much for money
Money can't buy me love
-The Beatles

I have known people throughout the years who have pursued wealth firmly believing it to be a sure path to true happiness.  My own experiences with wealth not only disproves this notion, it also suggest a link between money and unhappiness.   For example, one of my first serious relationship's in high school was with a guy whose father was a self made multimillionaire.  Initially I was swept away by their luxurious lifestyle-an Olympic size indoor swimming pool, multiple Mercedes (as well as a plethora of other expensive vehicles), vacation homes, a private Lear jet, etc.  However, despite their lavish lifestyle it quickly became apparent this family was not only miserable but also highly dysfunctional.  With that said, why do Americans buy into the propaganda that great wealth creates happiness?  Personally I believe it's pushed upon us from every angle- commercials, tabloid magazines, etc.  Materialism is worshiped if not downright glorified in our society.  In fact, American consumers are continuously encouraged to consume more, want more, and that bigger is better- all of which presumably leads to happiness.  I beg to differ.  As a child (up until the age of twelve), my parents were able to provide a comfortable, upper-class lifestyle however, when they divorced, we were catapulted into a different world (to say nothing of an entirely different socioeconomic class).  Yet despite the new circumstances we found ourselves in, our family grew closer-learning to appreciate the smaller things in life.  Without this experience it is unlikely I would have come to know the true value of family and what happiness really means.  This is not to suggest that money is not valuable or that it's wrong to be wealthy, rather, it all comes down to one's perspective.  I do believe money and happiness can coincide, however, I do not think having one necessarily demands you need the other in order to be happy.  As others read this they may wonder what prompted me to blog about this particular issue and I can only respond by saying that it's because I believe happiness can only be found in the present moment.  If a person lives only for tomorrow, they will never appreciate what exist today.  It is only by living in each moment that a person can come to know real happiness.  After all, we are only promised today.  

I Wish I Knew Then What I Know Now...

Dear Self-

Never compromise or self sacrifice who you truly are.

It's okay to have high standards- you really are worth it.

Never settle (there is more out there and you will find it much sooner than you think).

Love really is all you need. 

Dare to dream--and in fact, dream big.

Continue dismantling your emotional brick walls--it's a sure path to true happiness. 

There is no shame in failing--only shame in never trying.

Stop over analyzing....accept things as they are (it really is what it is). 

Fairy tales do exist.

Humor really is the best medicine.

Take risks because eventually they pay off.

Embrace adventures-you never know where they might lead you.

Dare to love with complete abandon.

Pay attention- there are miracles occurring around you every day.

Never stop writing-it's your best creative outlet.

Be kind and good to yourself.

Work hard at maintaining conscious contact with your higher power.

Remember power, control and fear are nothing more than illusions.

Keep an open mind.

Love deeply and give freely.

The Chronicles of Charlie

Dear Mommy-

I'm sorry I chewed up the toothbrush...okay, I admit it-I didn't just chew it up, I ate the entire bristled head.  And since I'm already in trouble--I mean apologizing, I'm also sorry for keeping you awake the last few nights.  For some inexplicable reason I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night with the uncontrollable urge to pounce on your face.  Between you and me, I think I've got some impulse control issues in addition to my PICA.

I love you mommy,

Charlie

Scattered

Fall is my favorite season....tall, stylish boots, soft, twirly scarves, orchards, pumpkins, Halloween, haunted houses-what more could one ask for?

Paradox: I love the look of a man's five o'clock shadow but I can't tolerate facial hair against my face (it causes my sensitive skin to turn red and blotchy, not to mention it just plain hurts)

For the majority of my life I have despised the smell and taste of coffee flavored anything...this all changed when I discovered McDonald's non-fat vanilla lattes (sorry Starbucks-you don't even come in as a close second)

Super Sized Blow Pops are my go to for sugar fixes (with Blue Raspberry being my favorite flavor)...

I think the 1980's rocked the best candy ever (think pixie sticks, lemon heads, fun-dip, pop rocks, etc.)

My favorite flowers are lilies (I think they look and smell the prettiest)

There is no such thing as paying too much for perfume or cologne (smelling delicious is priceless)

I think 68 degrees is the perfect indoor temperature (my mother begs to differ...what can I say?  I must have been an Eskimo in a former life :)

Pure Beech sheets are pure heaven- and thanks to my sister Amanda I can no longer sleep on anything else...

Neutrogena "Rain" is the best bubble bath on the market
I love lavender scented lotions...there's simply something soothing about it

I think less is more (especially when it comes to makeup)

I've always longed to have blue eyes

I love my dog but if she doesn't stop jumping on my head (throughout the night) she is going to be banned from the bedroom

Falling off the balance beam...

In one of my recent blogs I questioned whether friends can be lovers (even just for a night) then return to being friends.  Although I suspect the answer is an emphatic no, I’m in no way volunteering myself to find out (not even for the sake of satisfying my…ahem…curiosity as to whether it’s indeed possible--sorry boys, I’m just not that kind of girl).  Which brings me to my next topic- sleeping with an ex and the implications (or fallout) that comes with it?  While my personal love life (or lack thereof) is no one’s business but my own, I (grudgingly) admit I have some insight in this area.  To be more specific, I was recently under the assumption Matt and I could keep our friendship intact despite our breakup (what a terribly wrong assumption on my part).   Although Matt and I will in all likelihood be able to resume our friendship eventually, I cannot be his friend right now (no matter how painful the loss of his companionship is at this time).  I have rarely been the person who’s been broken up with (I was a “love ‘em and leave ‘em” kind of girl- or better yet—I was the “I’ll leave you before you have the chance to leave me” kind of girl (rest assured these are past issues thanks to maturity and years of therapy).  With that said, I now realize that the person who actually initiates the breakup is in a far different place than the person being broken up with (funny how being on the recieving end changes one's perspective).  It’s simply not possible for me to be around Matt right now because I do not yet have the emotional distance, healing or closure to be able to perceive (as well as interact) with him as a friend only.  I will get there eventually but it’s going to take time….which is difficult because it means I didn’t just lose my partner, I’ve also (at least temporarily) lost my best friend.  Despite knowing our breakup is the right course of action (we just don’t want the same “deal breaker” type things), it’s still very, very hard.  I miss him.  In fact, this breakup seems harder than most-perhaps because it didn’t end over a horribly hurtful event (i.e. cheating, etc.) in which it’s possible to hate the other person (nothing like rage to motivate a person to move on).  In fact, it ended on good terms, even loving terms which to me is the hardest way to end it at all.

The Art of Balancing

Finding a balance between what Matt and I once were and what we are now is challenging.  I've always been the type of person who (when something shocking or traumatic happens ) immediately shifts into survival mode- taking care of what needs to be taken care of, etc.  This trait must be innate as I have operated in this manner as far back as I can remember- it isn't a choice-rather, it's an automatic response with no forethought on my part.  My automatic reaction when faced with a crisis (while everyone else is falling apart)is to go on auto pilot until the crisis is stabilized.  Unfortunately, this means that once some sort of equilibrium is found, I finally give myself permission to fall apart (translation-everyone else has already processed the crisis right when I am just beginning to acknowledge a crisis even occurred).  This type of "fight or flight" response is ideal say if there were a terrorist attack or some sort of other cataclysmic event, however, it's far from ideal in a lot of other situations.  Which brings me to this- while Matt is continuing to grieve/process our breakup (and has been for several weeks now), it has only hit me in the last twenty-four hours that our relationship is truly over.  At the time we broke up I felt relief and pride- I was so proud of Matt for finally choosing himself and voicing what he needed in order to be happy (things I would never be capable of providing).  Now that a few weeks have passed, the reality of the dissolution of our relationship is just now hitting me.  Although I know beyond a doubt that ending the relationship was the right thing to do, it does nothing to lessen the grief.  At this time, I simply need time and space to allow myself to heal and move on- I know (as with all things) it will get better in time.

Somebody that I used to know...

She used to like:


Sunbathing-with little or no regard for sun damage and future sun spots

Clubbing till the wee hours of the morning regardless of the consequences awaiting her the next day

Thinking she’d eventually be happily married with at least two children

Happy hours and consuming far more than what is socially acceptable

Thinking she was always in control

Thinking she was content with frivolous and materialistic things

Believing looks were everything

Micromanaging everything

Passively existing in the world

Thinking if she just made herself want something badly enough then eventually she would actually come to want it

Thinking in terms of black and white with little to no room for gray

Feeling entitled

Feeling worshiped from a distance- never allowing anyone to get close enough to ruin the illusion

Pretending everything was okay

Being codependent

Being a slave to others as well as herself

Keeping things under lock and key



Today she likes:

Taking care of herself in healthy ways

Snuggling up with a good book

Writing about everything she used to keep hidden

Relinquishing the control she never truly had

Earning rather than demanding respect

Acknowledgement that marriage and more children are not for her

Not having to pretend anymore

Having friends who are authentic

Going to bed at ten o’clock

Taking naps on the weekend

Having true independence

Seeing the world as it truly is

Knowing what she believes in and why

Thinking in broader terms-from black and white to every color in between

Acceptance for things as they are and not as she would have them
Being valued for what’s on the inside vs. the outside

Challenging herself

Having true freedom and peace of mind

The Deeper End of Shallow....

I have always been a “list” person- forever creating various to do lists, grocery lists, work task lists, etc. Making lists is a simple way for me to put complicated tasks into a compartmentalized order. The following list is not the type of list I normally fret over rather, it is a wish list of things I desire but normally feel too shallow to cop to…

I wish I had:

A personal shopper with an unlimited expense account

A sleek, black sporty convertible

Abs you could bounce a coin off of

Enough money to pay off all debts

A beach house in Barbados

All three books I’ve written on the New York Times Bestseller’s List

A closet full of designer heels and handbags

A personal chef, housekeeper, masseuse, and stylist

An apartment in New York City

Enough money that I could work part-time so that I could contribute large amounts of time to charity/volunteer work/philanthropy

A personal trainer who would personally drag me out of bed and into the gym

Regular lunch dates with Oprah

An in home library consisting of floor to ceiling books (complete with a sliding ladder)

A Victorian house by the sea with a large study in which I could write inspired and undisturbed

A vast amount of land that could be converted into a wildlife reserve for animals unable to live in the wild

The luxury of returning to school and taking classes in any subject I wish

The capability to travel around the world-both for sightseeing as well as activist purposes

Mastered a foreign language

The opportunity to be a U.S. Diplomat

My own botanical garden complete with a hammock and spa

Enough power and clout to eradicate all forms of abuse and neglect

The perfect jean- comfortable and flattering

The opportunity to travel through Italy at my own leisure

Unlimited access to all bookstores, libraries, etc.

An opportunity to study at an Ashram

Say Goodbye

“Say Goodbye”


“So here we are tonight
You and me together
The storm outside, the fire is bright
And in your eyes I see
What's on my mind
You've got me wild
Turned around inside
And then desire, see, is creeping
Up heavy inside here
And know you feel the same way
I do now
Now let's make this an evening
Lovers for a night, lovers for tonight
Stay here with me, love, tonight
Just for an evening
When we make
Our passion pictures
You and me twist up
Secret creatures
And we'll stay here
Tomorrow go back to being friends…”
-Dave Matthews

I’m not going to elaborate much on this particular entry as I feel the above lyrics adequately capture the topic I am attempting to address….which is this--Is it possible to be lovers just for a night then go back to simply being friends the day after? Personally I would say it depends on the circumstances….as a general rule I would venture to say men (more than women) are more likely to be able to separate emotional attachments from physical pleasures. I personally have never been a fan of indulging in a “friends with benefits” relationship (perhaps I’ve seen far too many movies in which one of the friend’s ends up wanting or needing more than the other desires). On the other hand, one night stands (AKA sex between strangers-gross) has never appealed much to me either. Which brings me to my last question- Can two people who were once in a romantic relationship later revert to being only friends and still occasionally sleep with each other (without compromising their friendship)?  Or is this simply an unrealistic ideal that will only end in disaster?  Is it in fact better to sever all sexual components in a romantic relationship once it ends?  And if not, where do the boundaries begin and more specifically, where do they end?  

Over thrown....

To say Matt's family doesn't like me would be a huge understatement...they don't just dislike me, they loathe all I represent.  In all fairness, they have earned the right to despise me since Matt and I divorced (trust me when I say that I provided every reason imaginable to warrant this).  With that said (and if we're all being truly honest here), they never really liked me to begin with.  It is my opinion that the primary reason for their dislike is due to the fact their wishes for Matt strongly clashed with everything about me.  I strongly suspect their visions for Matt included a demure, conservative, church going, homemaker- with at least 2.5 children and a white picket fence (okay I just threw the picket fence part in- cliche I know).  I have no doubt they were dismayed to learn I was divorced (not only with a toddler but also with little inclination to have more), three years Matt's senior, liberal, opinonated, career-oriented, and anti organized religion.  In hindsight, I must have stomped all over their ideals- in other words, I was the girl down the street parents warned their children to avoid rather than the girl next door they longed for as their future daughter-in-law (i.e.-parents hoping for wholesome Jennifer Aniston but instead getting scary Angelina Jolie).  I do not blame them for wanting what they percieve to be right for Matt- after all, Matt was heavily involved in church and church related activities in his youth and is a natural with children.  I guess it's only natural they thought I was to blame for Matt no longer traveling to see them as often or his lack of involvement with church during that time (in my defense I never tried to influence or persuade him one way or the other).  Upon realizing I must have come across to Matt's family as intimidating and threatening (if not an outright black witch) I realized that none of my previous boyfriends parents had ever really liked me either (the only exception would be Caleb's paternal grandparents and even then we only became close after their son and I divorced).  Arriving at this  realization was both unexpected and disconcerting.  Seeking some sort of insight I immediately called one of my sister's who quickly reassured me I was not alone- that she too, was rarely accepted by any of her previous paramour's families.  My sister further explained that she and I probably do come across as strongly independent, etc. which in most families is not exactly common-especially given the demographical region we live in.  Although I would not compromise myself in order to meet the expectations of others, I do find it somewhat sad that I have consistently been unable to gain their acceptance and approval.  On the other hand, I am extremely grateful my own family values diversity and differences-I'll take uniqueness to conformity any day.

What a Girl Wants...

Those who do not know us well (as those who do clearly see the incompatibilities) are shocked to discover I would let a guy like Matt go.  Most women I know would kill to have what Matt has to offer- good looks, faithfulness, dedication, and exquisite bedroom..ahem...skills (not to mention he's the ideal husband-he's great with kids, does more than his share of household chores, and is a true family man).  More pointedly, most people look at me and wonder what the hell is wrong with me (a reasonable and legitimate question).  First let me point out that I am in no way looking for a partner or even a date at this time (for now I am perfectly content being single).  Yet with two failed marriages I admit a closer look at what qualities are important to me is warranted...and with the (impossible) list that follows I will probably remain single for life.  Seriously.

Here it goes (in no particular order):  **
Great sense of humor
Likes children (my son in particular)
Does not want any additional children (i.e. the two of us having a child together)
Financially stable
Intelligent (is knowledgeable about politics/world events and is preferably a Democrat; enjoys reading and is well read)
Takes great satisfaction in his chosen career (and is educated- a must; a college graduate-preferable)
Faithful/committed in all relationships
Confident but not arrogant (is affectionate but not needy); is secure enough in himself that he's not intimidated that I am remain friends with Caleb's dad and best friends with his stepdad
Has a close knit family and a great relationship with them
No fanaticism of any sort
Open minded, non judgmental, and is not sexist, racist, or prejudice
Kind-hearted (feels drawn to help others in need--think an activist of sorts)
Spiritual (though not necessarily religious as I am not religious and do not foresee me ever becoming this way.  He must at least be open to the idea of Karma, reincarnation, etc.- a tall order I am well aware).
Great kisser
Attractive
Age is not a huge factor but not under 30 and not over 45 (there's really not much leadway on this- I don't think people really begin to discover who they are before their thirties.  As for over 45- well that's just way too close to my parents ages...)
Pulls their own weight in the relationship-a true 50/50
Does not use drugs of any sort (and preferably does not drink or smoke)
Is completely comfortable in being in a long-term partnership-should it ever come to that (as I firmly believe I will not get married again)
Would be comfortable possibly never cohabiting (what can I say- I like my independence-it would take a lot to persuade me)
Is not a sports fanatic (although UK basketball is acceptable ^-^)
Laid back-somewhat of a homebody, but is passionate-about life, people, and me
Desires traveling and is not opposed to relocating in the future
Drama free
Articulate, good communication skills, emotionally expressive
Has no desire to participate in the club or bar scene- in other words he's left his partying way behind him (like willingly left them behind in his twenties)
Soulful
Fair, considerate, and honest
No violence of any sorts
Motivated but not ADD
Emotionally and mentally healthy/stable
Knows what he wants and why he wants it; has strong beliefs/opinions and knows exactly why he believes in them
Accepting of my family dynamics---Caleb is loved by many and in turn this usually results in an entourage of sorts at Caleb's school, sporting events, etc.
Is not superficial or nauseatingly materialistic
Challenges me-can respectfully debate ideas, topics, points of interest

I feel entirely certain this list will grow with time...it's impossible I know.  Luckily I am pretty content with all I currently have. 


**My list in some ways may suggest that Matt does not possess any of the above qualities, however, this would be an inaccurate assumption.  The truth of the matter is that when it comes down to "deal breakers", we simply want different things yet I love him nonetheless.

Things that make me go hmm....

Since our relationship ended, Matt and I have been cautious and tentative within our newly defined "friends only" relationship.  Although the dissolution of any relationship is painful, letting go of what was clearly not working and instead focusing on the friendship aspects appears to be working for us.  Without question, Matt will always be one of my best friends and have a place within my life.  Despite momentary pangs of sadness, I intuitively know that hanging on to our friendship and letting go of all else is the right thing to do.  After all, I'd rather have him as my friend than not have him in my life at all (which I feared might happen if we'd continued to try and force something that clearly wasn't going to work).  While it appears I have chosen to take the higher, moral road, do not be completely fooled.  Thanks in part to my astrological Libra marking (or at least that's the one excuse I permit myself to have), I am easily provoked into becoming a vicious, jealous green-eyed monster.  Though I admit this monster has become more tame over the years, she is far from broken.  Case in point?  Matt and I were talking on the phone last night when he admitted someone asked him out the day before.  While I have no rightful claim to be even remotely jealous, my monster clearly did not care whether I was entitled or not.  Initially surprised by my (monster's) violent reaction, I later realized it had more to do with me wanting to protect Matt than anything else.  I don't like for people to hurt or mistreat those I love.  I am not a wicked witch nor would I act like one once Matt begins dating...unless of course she deserves it...then all bets are off....^-^

There After...

One of my sister's recently emailed our family her post mortem wishes (although I do not know what prompted this, I can assure you it isn't because she's been stricken with a terminal illness, etc.).  My sister's email inspired me to at least set down some basics on paper in the event I pass before my will is fully established.  I share these "non-negotiables" not out of morbid fanaticism, but rather to inspire others to consider doing the same....

*Donate any salvageable organ, etc. if it can save the life of another human being.

*Do not bury me in a coffin and place me underground.  If anyone tries to put me in a box I will come back and haunt them- I wouldn't allow myself to be boxed up in life and I certainly wont stand for it after.  Simply put--cremate me.

*Following cremation, scatter my ashes (the location is not necessarily important to me-I relinquish this decision for my family to make).

*I like the idea of playing a slide show (detailing life events, photos, etc.).  I do not object to a memorial service , however, please keep it lighthearted and happy--recall funny and touching stories/memories--do not grieve for me as I firmly believe I will meet all of you once again.

*I have several unpublished pieces-two children's books and one adult novel ("The Lightening Bug", "Letters from Lola", and "Wasted")-do with them as you see fit.  In addition, there is this blog-in the event of my passing, please keep it alive. 

*I have made two life books for Caleb- one of which contains letters I have written to him-please ensure they're given to him. 

*Caleb is the sole receiver of any life insurance policies, financial assets, etc.  Although custody would be awarded to his father, my wish is for Caleb to spend LIBERAL amounts of time with his Nana, my mother, Matt, and my extended family...Caleb belongs and is a part of us all.

*It is my greatest wish that Caleb be exposed to my same spiritual beliefs, books, etc.--ultimately we all choose our own way but the more options/views we are exposed to, the better informed decisions we can later make.

*Divide all of my material belongings fairly (because they are just that-material).  Take great care with my collection of books- they are as much a part of me as all of you.  Divide them up as you see fit---the books will guide  you to whom should be their new owner (Disclaimer- Caleb may have any books he wishes).

*In the event I am in vegetative state, etc. I exercise my right to DNR (Do Not Resuscitate).  Do not under any circumstances leave me plugged into a machine ...let me go peacefully and do not keep me mechanically alive-it's simply no quality of life whatsoever.

*And always remember-my life was made richer by all who loved me-I thank you all

Odds and Ends

1. Spray tanning- the perfect concoction of sun kissed perfection minus the skin damage, sun spots, and advanced aging sunbathing entails.  While the upkeep's tedious I know it will be worth it when I'm in my forties/fifties and look ten years younger than my peers.
2. Botox is a girl's best friend....I used to think Juvaderm was as well but I've decided I prefer my natural lips after all (go figure)...
3. I am a tattoo junkie...fourteen and counting, however unless I am sans clothing only a handful are visible. 
4. The longer my hair grows the easier the maintenance....opposite of what I long suspected (at this rate I'll probably let it grow down to my ass out of sheer convenience).
5. Marriage is not for me- I have (twice) failed miserably at it and it doesn't take a genius (or a therapist for that matter) to see I should avoid it all costs...(not to mention the fact the entire concept does not even remotely appeal to me).
6. My honesty sometimes gets me into trouble- I'm strong willed, independent, and liberal (to the point it is often to my own detriment yet I am compelled to express myself nonetheless).
7. I am learning to exercise tolerance and patience (the latter is the most challenging for me).
8. If a patience is a virtue then I'm basically screwed.
9. I find humor and intellect undeniably sexy.
10. My world would be colorless without books.
11. I like some of my books better than some of my friends.
12. I despise temperatures over 83 and under 60 degrees so basically I'm pissed off at the weatherman year round.
13. I secretly like animals more than most people.
14. I'm especially skilled at outing my own secrets.
15. While I adore my son as well as most of my friends children, I would rather saw off my own body parts than have another baby.
16. People sometimes think I act in extremes.
17. But I prefer to think of myself as challenging societal boundaries. 

The Chronicles of Charlie

Dear Mommy-

If you want me to stay out of the litter box you are going to have to put up a higher barrier.  (But not too high because even though I can jump over the current barrier I can't jump back out--which now that I think about it is actually a bad thing because it ensures I get caught each time).  I have only my Pica to blame for my obsession with Hermoine's box, however, I think that even without the Pica I would probably still love cat litter. 

Love,
Charlie

Independence or the lack thereof...

Independence versus dependence- a paradoxical and delicate balancing act for one such as myself.  Given too much independence I become an island in and of itself prohibiting all would be tourists.  Given too much dependence I promptly morph into a cagey cornered animal desperately seeking escape at all cost.  Without question an over abundance of either compromises many aspects of my life-particularly with regard to friendships and intimate relationships.  Perhaps no one understands these traits (or demons if you prefer) I battle against better than Matt.  Matt and I were married for nearly five years before we divorced in early 2011 (I assume all responsibility in this matter not because I'm a martyr but rather because it's factual).  After seeking some much needed personal help for myself, Matt and I began dating in December 2011 (already you can clearly begin to see a pattern in my indecisive thought patterns and behaviors-I am a true Libra indeed).  Approximately five days ago Matt ended our relationship, however, deep love and friendship remains.  As a result of his painful decision, my respect for Matt has grown exponentially- he alone had the insight and courage to allow each of us the opportunity to seek out and explore our authentic selves.  While both of us acknowledge and accept we need more than the other is capable of providing, this was by no means an easy realization to come to.  It seems odd that two people who love each other so deeply and are willing to do anything to make it work cannot (in this situation) do so successfully.  In essence, we are two very different people with very, very different needs.  Compromise of self of either party would not only be unfair but would also slowly destroy the love we have for each other.  The dissolution of our relationship is not to be misinterpreted in that we are seeking out other potential partners- rather it's a time in which we are both determined to work on ourselves...to simply jump into another relationship would be foolish if not downright dangerous for our own personal growth and development.  Matt and I have both reached that pivotal moment in which we are seeking knowledge of ourselves with the same desperation of a man searching for water in a desert. As for the future- who knows?  What I do know to be true is that my love for Matt cannot be affected by time, location, or destination---it will forever know no bounds.