Acceptance

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems.

I repeat this mantra daily (at times, hourly). I am working hard to accept what is. Trying to control people, places, and thing is futile. The moment I try I begin paddling against a strong current. It is exhausting. I am trying to perfect the art of accepting people where they are at and not where I want them to be. I am striving to show compassion to those who behave in sick ways. It is not personal-the issue lies within them and has nothing to do with me personally. The world does not revolve around me. 

#serenityprayer

Santa Baby...

The Ledge

I can promise you that you will have to talk me down from the ledge. Repeatedly. It is a guarantee. I have a tendency to flee when I feel emotionally vulnerable. I call it self-preservation. I will try to escape the moment my walls start to crack. It is my (albeit unhealthy) knee jerk reaction. Thus far you have succeeded in coaxing me back down. Sometime in the future you will have to do it again. My trust is a tentative thing. I do not share it easily. I will search for all of the reasons we should not be together while minimizing the reasons we should. I easily feel exposed. It is a result of past trauma. At times it has served its purpose. But a life preserver can quickly turn into a self suffocating device. It can lead to drowning when simply standing up could deliver me safely to shore. I will do my best to let you in despite the risks. I know your history. I am not blind. But I also recognize the possibilities despite the shortcomings we possess. Life is a journey not a destination.

Sweet Home Alabama

Dear Alabama,

Thank you. You inspired a deeply red state to elect a Democrat for the first time in nearly 25 years. You have given us hope amongst a country which has been fueled by rampant racism, bigotry, discrimination, sexism, and blatant sexual harassment and assault. You have lit a torch for all to see. You have sent a deep and clear message that there are some things we simply cannot ignore. For the first time in a long time I have hope again. You have restored my faith in humanity. You have demonstrated that we as a nation can accomplish peace and justice. We can and we will rise. My heartfelt gratitude is over flowing. Thank you for lighting the match. May you be the first of many.

Happy 18th

Happy, happy birthday doll! Welcome to adulthood.

Sister Soul

I have often struggled with female relationships. Even as a teen I gravitated towards male friendships. It was easier and less complicated. What I am continuing to learn is that there is something truly precious about sisterhood. We lift each other up. We inspire each other. We have a shared identification. There are so many women in my life today who are showing me how strong female bonds can be. I am truly grateful. Thank you ladies for loving me back to life. 

Making memories

As I reflect back on the holiday season last year versus this year, I cannot help but notice the many changes which have transpired. Over all, the changes have been positive. It isn't so much that one is superior to the other-rather, it's the stark differences between the two. Last Christmas I lived in a different house and experienced holidays post divorce for the first time in many years. At that time, I was dating someone new-a man I was very much in love with at that time. Attending my sister's Christmas concert this year I find myself with a new man entirely. Holiday parties this year will be in his company. I am amazed at how much has changed in a mere year. Although I do not mean to project into the future, I cannot help but wonder who I might be with this time next year.  The concept would have terrified me last year. During that time I desperately sought out stability and a (false) sense of security. This year I feel only peace and acceptance. God has demonstrated time and again how much better my life is when I let go and let God. I need only walk with Him. 

Miss Jackson if you're nasty...

Excite Me

"'Cause I may be bad but I'm perfectly good at it

Sex in the air, I don't care, I love the smell of it
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But chains and whips excite me..."

-Rihanna 

(Disclaimer: naturally whatever occurs in the bedroom should first be mutually agreed upon-I am not advocating for abuse of any kind). With that being said, I miss the kind of sex that drips with raw animal magnetism.  I sometimes (okay often) crave playful roughness in the bedroom. I find it incredibly hot and sexy. Pull my hair and have your way with me. Fuck me into oblivion. Mark me with your words and your hands. Pin down my arms...tease me. Make me whimper and beg for more. Punish my body until I drown in pleasure. Pull me into a world of lust laced with pain. Relentlessly pound into me. Show me what you like. Let me inside  your world then crash into mine. Bring me to my knees. 

#Criteria

Sometimes the universe needs a little help-a small nudge to deliver. As a result, I have comprised a (growing) list of criteria requirements:

1. Must be faithful. Fidelity is non-negotiable.

2. Must be compassionate and kind.

3. Must love (or at least like) animals. There is something pathologically wrong with those who don't.

4. Must be affectionate and playful.

5. Must be passionate-be it politics, opinions, sex, etc.-all of it is important.

6. Must be intelligent and educated. Bonus if he wears eye glasses for reading.

7. Must want exclusivity (he would not be able to fathom sharing me).

8. Must be respectful towards me, my son, and others in general.

9. Must love to laugh. Humor is incredibly sexy.

10. Must love sex (with only me of course).

11. Must be financially secure.

12. Must be sober (if alcoholic) or drink minimally (if non-alcoholic). No recreational drug use.

13. Must be confident and secure with himself. 

14. Must be emotionally available and mature. 

15. Must communicate well.

16. Must be open minded and tolerant towards others, spirituality, new ideas, etc.

17. Must adore (not worship) me.

18. Must have a good relationship with his family.

19. Must be hardworking (i.e. does not leave when the going gets tough).

20. Must be honest.

21. Must have good manners. 

22. Must have principles and a code of honor.

23. Preferably does not have or want to have children of his own. Adult independent children are okay.

24. Must have goals and dreams.

25. Must be assertive.

26. Must be thoughtful and considerate. 

27. Must be insightful and knows his own mind.

28. Must be loyal and honorable.

29. Must be health conscious (preferably a non-smoker. Trust me, I know and I'm working hard to quit).

30. Must be employed. Bonus if he loves his job.

31. Must be protective.

32. Must be dependable and reliable.

Optimism

There are no such things as fairy tales. Sorry to burst your bubble Disney, but that is not how life works. It is not supposed to-it is not realistic. With that said, I am not wearing shades of pessimism. Despite a year littered by betrayals and hurt, I still believe in love. I still believe in the possibility of forever. I have witnessed couples who are genuinely in love with each other. It inspires me. It is further proof this type of love can and does exist. The difference is that today (thank you God) I do not feel the desperation or obsession to find it. I know that when the time is right it will find me. I am excited to discover and experience the future as it unfolds. 

Unbroken

As I confided my recent hurts he welcomed me with open arms. As I confessed my sadness he kissed it all away. Though I felt lost, he provided me with comfort running his fingers through my hair. Though my trust had been shaken, he reassured me of my worth. Though I felt the need to retreat, he pulled me back with laughter. Though I sometimes feel trapped and panicked, he patiently talks me down from the ledge. Though I often act out, he does not try to control me. No matter what the future holds I am forever grateful to have met my male twin. Thank you babe for holding my hand.

Betrayal

Dear God, I am so thankful it is not me this time. My heart aches for her. I know all too well the shock, grief, and devastation of discovering infidelity. I remember the unimaginable horrors and shattered heart. God please comfort her. I would never have participated in anything had I known. It is too cruel and too damaging. I can easily recall the bewilderment and brokenness cheating entails. To have hopes and dreams instantly destroyed is inexplicable. I now call into question what our own past relationship really looked like. I am not angry or hurt. I am saddened to realize it too was likely a mirage. This is an important lesson. I must protect my heart and learn to identify those who are faithful from those who are not. God, please continue to guide me through this journey called life.

Jam of the Day

JOTD: "Praying" by Kesha

https://youtu.be/tLR3Gqz5PEs

Hypnotic

Once you have truly known me you will soon find it is nearly impossible to forget me. Though I will have long moved on you will continue to be haunted by my skin, my face, my eyes. You will find yourself tormented by what you let slip away. I will not seek you out yet you will soon discover you cannot escape your memories of me. Your ceaseless yearning for what was. A hypnotic spell has been cast which you cannot shake. You will long for the days in which I was yours. You will curse yourself for letting me slip through your trembling hands. You will lie awake at night remembering the life we once shared. You will ache for my touch. You will miss the sound of my laughter and the manner in which I carry myself. You will miss my poise and my confidence. You will agonize that you cannot find another who can truly replace me. Though some may temporarily mesmerize you, none completely eradicate me long term. You will seek out others charm, wit, beauty, and sensuality yet it will always fall short of my own. Your infatuation will linger long after I am gone. You will be left wondering how you voluntarily set this beautiful creature free. For you see, they always come back. Always. 

Enough

Is it enough I ask myself...Is his kindness and considerate behavior enough? Is his affection and playfulness enough? Are his good manners and adoration enough? Is his self assurance and confidence enough? Is his delightful companionship enough? Are his kept promises and dependability enough? Is his attentiveness and protection enough? To be honest, the simple answer is yes. However, there is an opposing side that begs attention. Is a limited spiritual connection enough? Is his inability to fully commit enough? Is being nonalcoholic and therefore unaware of AA enough? Is his struggle with sexual intimacy enough? Is his complete lack of long term relationships in his life enough?  The plain and simple answer is no. In fact, many are non-negotiable deal breakers for a long term relationship. With that being said, I am continuously torn between waiting to see what develops (though my cursed impatience and fear run rampant) or instead part as friends now and avoid any messiness down the road? I do not know and uncertainty is not a place I enjoy living in. Can I be free and simply enjoy the present moment or will my demand to know the future win out (resulting in fleeing)? Alas, I do not know. I whole heartedly believe there is someone somewhere who encompasses all things important to me. I am in unfamiliar territory which makes me feel uncomfortable. I have very limited experience in simply dating casually. I do know I will not settle for less than I deserve. I have lived there before and I am not going back again.  

Chantix Take 1001

Dear chantix,

We meet again old friend. I surrender to you. I am done and I am ready. I am over the costs of smoking-from monetary to health factors. I no longer choose the slow suicide cigarettes promise. It is going to be hard-it always has been. I no longer wish to seek out my silent companion that is destroying my body. I know what the next two weeks will entail. Headaches, irritability, grief, and agitation. But I also know how much better I will soon feel. I no longer want to be a slave to the false god known as nicotine. I am choosing life. I am choosing me. We are allies in this battle. Thank you in advance for your help. I am going to need it.

With sincere gratitude,

Shanna

Do's and Don'ts

I do not understand your silences.

I do not understand your indecisiveness.

I do not understand your continuos cycles of hot and cold.

I do not understand your unreliability.

I do not understand your inconsistency.

I do not understand your inability to fight for what you want.

I do not understand the enigma that is you.

I do not understand.

I do understand that I deserve better and I deserve more.

I do understand my value and my worth.

I do understand I will not wait for you.

I do understand I have moved on.

I do understand there are others who love me unconditionally.

I do understand that love is not fickle-it either exist or it does not.

I do understand there are others who will give me their all despite fears of the unknown.

I do understand the curtain has fallen.

Turns out I understood all along.

(Backup) To Santa with Love

The Year of Loss

I strive to live in the present moment. To be fully present requires great effort and discipline. I often fall short. I am trying to avoid living in the future (which in my experience only results in anxiety). With that said, I am looking forward to closing the book on 2017. It has been one of the most difficult years of my life (2011 hands down wins the cake). It has been a year of loss-from a break up to my relapse. I have dealt with 4 pets being euthanized. Moving and changes in work duties only compounded the many challenges. I am not pitying myself. Rather, I am learning it is okay to suffer-it is part of the human condition. This year has been mentally and emotionally exhausting. And yet, I seek out the silver lining. Pain truly is the touch stone of spiritual growth. After all of the trials and tribulations, I have discovered a stronger connection to my authentic self. I am more independent, healthy, and spiritually fit than I have ever been. This is the true miracle. It took great pain to get there. I embrace this past year as without it my life would not be what it is today. Alas, I am no saint. I still eagerly welcome a new year with new beginnings.  2018 here I come.

Passion

Recently I have started watching (okay binging) on the series "New Girl". Three seasons in and two of the main characters have (finally) become romantically involved with each other. I know it's fiction yet I (oh so) recognize the familiar dynamics. The whirlwind, the breathless excitement, the raw passion. I miss those lovely things. I remember relationships which were comprised of these same behaviors and feelings. I want to experience those things again. The tender throes of passion from the sweet love making to the lustful fucking. I want it all. My body yearns to be touched in that manner again. I crave physical touch-which is so much sweeter when emotional intimacy is involved (no random sex please). I miss riding the tides of passion-when two people literally cannot resist the temptation to intertwine themselves in all ways. I do not think it's a sign of weakness to admit I, too, want to be shamelessly loved again in every way. Rather, I think it takes true courage to allow one's self to be vulnerable...to say fuck it-I am all in. 

Ravage

I refuse to settle. I am tired of attracting emotionally unavaible men. It is not enough. If it is not enough in the beginning then it cannot possibly be enough later on. I bathe in the sunlight of adoration. I like being called "princess". I enjoy the laughter and easy camaraderie. I enjoy the false sense of belonging. But (and there is always a but), it is not enough. Through full disclosure (which I appreciate) I have discovered why this person has never been married or in a long term relationship. The short and easy answer is sexual desire and intimacy. Specifically he loses the desire for sex once emotional intimacy develops. While I admit I am mildly disgusted it is probably more prevalent than I imagined. I know it is not me or any type of shortcoming on my part. In the past I would have assumed there was something wrong with me-that I was not enough. Thank you God I do not feel that way today. Still, it begs the question-what is the point in continuing down a path which leads no where? I would feel I am using this person for false companionship until the right person comes along. This feels selfish and makes me feel uneasy. But what if both people are okay with the situation? What disturbs me most is this person's confession that we likely won't be close friends if either of us begins dating someone. That sucks. I feel as though I have walked into a paradoxical world. I am standing torn in a world of I can only be your friend if you are not seeing anyone but oh by the way we will never become more (my words not his). I mean what? I do not want more but I think this is stupid reasoning. I cherish the friendship yet know the friendship will ultimately not survive. I am going to lose my friend-my male twin. I do not understand why it must be so black and white. I feel we should be friends only and see whomever we want. I cannot and will not voluntarily subject myself to a union which has no sexual component. Dear God no. Just no. I could not live in that reality-sex is far too important to discard.  I am not sad-I am not wishing it was more. I just feel resentful that I am going to eventually be forced to end our friendship. And it will be sooner rather than later. Nonetheless I choose authenticity-I choose me. 

Gratitude

In honor of the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday I have complied a list of things I am grateful for:

1. My sobriety.

2. My friends and family.

3. Physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health and well-being.

4. Having more than enough money to pay my bills.

5. New beginnings and second chances.

6. My sponsor.

7. My job.

8. Peace of mind.

9. Forgiveness.

10. Animals.

11. My education.

12. Service work.

13. Fellowship.

14. New opportunities. 

15. Healing and wholeness.

16. Affection.

17. Joy.

18. Freedom from fear and anxiety.

19. My relapse-I would not be who I am today without it.

20. My therapist.

21. Writing.

22. World peace.

23. Life.

Letting Go

Letting go is always hard. I have a tendency to hold onto people, places, and things with an iron grip. Although God has demonstrated time after time that my life is infinitely better when I step aside, it is still sometimes frightening to submit. By nature I am selfish and self centered. I easily fall under the illusion that I am not enough. This particularly holds true with regards to men. I repeat the pattern in seeking external factors to obtain the illusion of fulfillment. It is not realistic and it does not work. There has recently been men in my life who (for whatever reason) have been unable to be all in. That is okay. I do not see it as a personal shortcoming on my part. Today I know myself well enough to not settle for anything less than I deserve. Scraps of attention are no longer enough for this girl. I am not actively searching. I know that when the time is right the chance encounter will unfold itself. I need do nothing for God's timing is always perfect.

This

20/20

"Sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together". -Marilyn Monroe

Hindsight is 20/20. I have found this to be profoundly true with regards to relationships. Sometimes we look back and see true loveliness; other times we see the nightmarish aspects we were blinded to. More often than not we recognize the relationship needed to end. But oh, other times it takes losing all to realize we actually belong together. Let's be clear-this is a rare phenomenon. We are conditioned to only present our best selves. It is only with a break up are we able to clearly see all attributes-both negative and positive. I find that how a relationship ends is the best indicator if two people should reconcile. If we are kind, loving, and gracious then it perhaps points to a deeper kind of love which existed all along. We often operate on fear-we give up too easily. It takes tremendous courage to weather the good times and the hard times. It is not easy-it isn't supposed to be. In a world which glorifies instant gratification we can too easily walk away when hard work is required. Today I feel whole. I feel complete. I no longer carry a void which demands unrealistic fulfillment by others. Today I am capable of being in a healthy relationship should the gifted opportunity present itself. I am grateful for the darkened storms. Without them I could not appreciate the sunlight of today.

Things that make me Happy

1. Prayer. It's the first and last thing I do each day. Prayer creates a purpose and brings inner peace. It's priceless.

2. Animals. Giant or lap size animals bring me great joy. Embrace them. Their unbridled enthusiasm is catching.

3. Falling in love. Who doesn't thrill to their toes when magic begins to unfold? When it happens we see the world through rose colored glasses.

4. Thunderstorms.  It is nature unleashed and uninhibited. 

5. Laughter. It's contagious.

6. Reading. I love books deeply. They have the incredible ability to instantaneously rocket us to various travels and dimensions.

7. Making love.

8. Bodies of water. Be it a lake, ocean or bubble bath I feel centered and connected to things outside myself.

9. Helping others. Nothing helps me to step outside of myself as much as helping another person in need.

10. Sobriety. There is nothing I value more.

11. Family. They are my roots.

12. Friends.

13. Good bedding (pillows, comforter, etc). There's a lot to be said for a good night's sleep.

14. Exercise. I need always remind myself how much better I feel afterwards.

15. Seasons and holidays. Each is special in and of itself.

X's & O's

Can exes be friends? I think the answer depends on the ex and the circumstances. With a specific ex in mind I'd like to think it's possible. I adore his company. He is such a joy to be around. There's a lot to be said when two people connect on a multitude of levels. Let's be honest and admit that great conversations are hard to come by especially in this day and age of technology. I crave conversations which engage and challenge me. I welcome conversations which demand my attention and challenges the way I observe and process my feelings and beliefs. If two people genuinely enjoy each other's company then where lies the harm in that? If approached with honesty and transparency I think many friendships can transcend over time regardless of previous relationship status. It entails respect and the ability to step back if the friendship threatens harm to others. Case in point-I imagine many women may feel threatened by a new partner's friendship with an ex. Personally it's a non issue for me so long as I am presented with the facts up front.  Just because a romantic relationship didn't work out doesn't mean that a friendship can't thrive in its place.  I realize this isn't always possible (nor would I want a lasting friendship with most of my exes).  But there is one I would like to have a healthy friendship with. I hope he feels the same.

Pain

"Pain demands to be shown."

When we experience emotional pain it screams out to be heard. Many often try to ignore their pain and as a result may resort to things such as cutting, eating disorders, etc. The bottom line is that pain will seep out in an effort to be felt. I ignored this pain for a very long time. In August of last year my world was violently ripped apart. My marriage ended after I discovered my ex husband's ongoing infedelity. I was devastated and shut down emotionally and operated on full survivor mode. I lived in hatred and that is no way to live. I used my hurt but never processed it-never worked through it. As a result, I never grieved nor healed. So here I find myself over a year later processing the pain and loss for the first time. It's hard and it's painful. I miss the stability and structure of what I thought my marriage was. In so many ways I am grateful to be single but it does not negate the fact I am still in pain. I am still hurting. It's okay-it won't last forever. I must also work through my 10 month relationship break up from earlier this year as well as the loss of my sweet Alley cat. And to dig even deeper, work through the two years that I didn't attend AA and was essentially a dry drunk. It's a lot but it's necessary. My higher power is carrying me through this. God's got it. I simply need to allow myself to feel again.

Beginnings and Endings

On September 8th I voluntarily checked myself into an inpatient detox facility. To be completely transparent, I had over five years of sobriety before going "back out" for a month. It was nothing short of horrific. In hindsight, my relapse journey came about months before I picked up that first drink. Emotionally, mentally, and spiritually I was tailspinning into a vast abyss.  Something (note: my mind) broke around April of this year. An audible snap. There are many contributing factors and I admit I do not know all of them. In the end, it was accessibility that provided an opportunity to take that first sip. Entering into a toxic (and insane) relationship led to having alcohol in my house for the first time in six years. That is not an excuse-rather, it is proof that no alcoholic (or at least this alcoholic) can be around alcohol 24/7 and not eventually pick up themselves. I will write more about my relapse in coming blogs but choose to first speak about my journey to recovery.  I have a new sponsor, I am going to meetings daily, and I am in an intensive outpatient program. I am learning and discovering many new things about myself. It is a continuous and ongoing process. "Just for today" I am sober and I am truly blessed beyond all measures. 

She Let Go

She let go.

She let go of drama and past traumas. 

She let go of past hurts and resentments.

She let go because she wanted to regain peace of mind.

She let go of expectations and so called rules. 

She let go of the past.

She let go of preconceived notions.

She let go of the anger and betrayal. 

She let go of the what ifs.

She let go of society's expectations of her.

She let go of what others might think about her. 

She let go and she let God.

She let go of perfectionism.

She let go of her baggage.

She let go of regrets and broken promises.

She let go of chaos.

She let go of her demons.

She let go of her former self.

She shed that which no longer served her.

She surrendered in the name of serenity and happiness.

She has remembered she has always been enough-she had always been whole. 

She is enough-she just needed a little help believing it.

She is strong and beautiful.

She is loved.

She loves fiecly without apologies. 

She is magnificent.

She is a fascinating creature.

She is exquisitely talented.

Hear her roar.

She is free.

Game changer

Inhale

And she inhaled deeply for the first time. Her power returning again pumping through her veins. It is exhilarating, seductive, hedonistic. It is a return to self-it's the prodigal child come home. And she remembers and wonders why she separated herself from such exquisiteness. She is quite magnificent that one.  She has reawakened. At last.

Game of Thrones

And oh what a game it is.

Pained

I write better and more frequently when in pain. Why is it that words flow so freely during these moments? Why are artists, painters, writers, etc more inspired by pain than beauty? I have no answer and do not pretend to. I simply know that without a creative outlet I would suffocate-I would choke on my unexpressed thoughts and feelings.  I am grateful for the gift of words and more specifically for the ability to express them. Is this a diary? I don't know-few know how to access it. It contains a vast amount of personal expression. What I do know is that writing is therapeutic for me. Dear God, what would I do without it? My writings date back to 2008 and though I've been tempted to edit (if not entirely erase) some of its contents over the years I do not. They are snapshots of my life and life cannot be edited. Perhaps my great grandchildren and descendants will one day know me better because of it. I find comfort in this belief no matter the contents. I am and have always been an open book.

You Learn

"You live you learn, you love you learn,
You cry you learn, you lose you learn,
You bleed you learn, you scream you learn"

-Alanis Morrisette

When I find myself sad or grieving I must remind myself that life is a lesson not a destination. I am trying to focus on the shattered illusion which by the very definition means false. I am reminded of my ex husband-my last divorce and betrayal. After all how can one grieve for something and/or someone that was never real? It's not theoretically possible. You cannot yearn for a person that never existed to begin with. You can't miss something that was fabricated. I feel manipulated and used because to be honest that's exactly what it was. I want badly for it to be untrue but it isn't. Maybe I am simply grieving over the loss of a dream. The thing is, I was authentic. I find a sliver of comfort in knowing he will never find what he had with me both in and out of the bedroom (yeah good luck with that).  I am a strong woman and need a strong man. He simply wasn't. The end. Bravo.

Indesicion

Indescision can be a decision unto itself. The fact is he was never all in because he wouldn't (or couldn't) be. A man who wants a woman to be his isn't conflicted or indecisive. He sits and throws his arms around the woman he loves. The woman he'd do anything to be with. I'll never regret loving him. I'm okay with knowing perhaps he didn't love me. If he had truly been in love he'd be here now. There will be another man some day who will be all in-one who will erase your name from my skin. One who will not be indecisive or break my heart. I cannot imagine this man yet for I still feel your presence. But he will come and both of us will be all in.

The Great Pretender

He was good...sly that one. Manipulative, selfish, and self-serving. Sick. Oh so sick. A golden illusionist. Hit hard. Standing up on shaky legs. Hurt, stripped, sobbing. Realizing all of it was a mere mirage. The glass shatters. The illusion dissipates. I am set free.

Stabbed

I am bewildered. He betrayed me and tried to slay me. I feel sorry for him. "When they go low, we go high". I can only assume he turned tail to save his own ass-to blame his own bitter words on me. I believe in karma-I really do. I don't have to do anything other than let go. The universe has got this. It always does.  #vindication

Attention Whore

I admit it-I am an attention junkie. This does not infer I demand constant admiration or anything of the sort. People have full and happy lives (I consider myself to be one of them). I think my main issue with most men is their lack of follow through. The initial effort is sometimes there (where did all of the successful achievers disappear to?) Primarily I think it's laziness-a new generation of individuals who put in minimum effort expecting something for little or nothing. Come on men-get your shit together or do not try to engage me. Confidence and success are sexy. I love the thrill of the chase then (once you've caught my attention) bring it on home.

Sitting still

I am relearning the art of being still. To sit quietly and comfortably in my own skin. To know that I am okay. I am enough. At present I am laying down with my cat and listening to the thunder clouds roll in. It is heaven.  I may still be sad but I am also at peace. New opportunities are unfolding. I am excited yet content in this moment.  I don't know what the future holds but I trust in a power greater than myself to lead me there. I am seeing things with new eyes. Situations and relationships are not what they seemed to be. It's okay-I have learned great lessons and perhaps that was the point all along. To learn and grow-to continue on my spiritual journey.  I am healing gaping wounds I thought would never heal. I am so lucky and blessed today. My family is so strong and wonderful. We lift each other up. When one rises we are all lifted up. Thank you God for helping me to remember.

He loves me, he loves me not

Surely we all remember the childhood game of pulling out each flower petal and repeating he loves me, he loves me not until reaching the last petal. Oh how we longed for the last remaining petal to say he loved us. If only love were that simplistic. It's not. I still miss him. Does he miss me? I couldn't say. I still love him but can't say whether I'm still in love with him. I don't know. 

Insomnia

Insomnia:  an inability to sleep

Need I say more.

The Cat's Meow

Grief: to mourn; to be sorrowful

I found out today that my sweet, furry, chunky "Baby" died. She had cancer and was subsequently put to sleep. To say I am grieving is an understatement. The loss of three cats (and dear Alley in particular) in 5 months is overwhelming. Initially, I cried for her. She was so very cuddly and sweet. After the end of my marriage she was my bed buddy-a warm little body cozied up next to mine. I am not sure what gift or life lesson there is to to be learned by experiencing so much pain and loss in such a small time frame. I am okay. I work hard to keep peace and centerdness in my life today (albeit it's been a rough couple months). I feel honored to have known Baby and to have played a small role in rescuing her. She rescued me too. A lot of tears were shed while she sat comforting me. I'll never forget that huge gift she gave to me.  I wish I'd been there...one last purr and to say goodbye. I will heal from this. I am sitting with the pain....remembering to lean in rather than out. Perhaps that's God's plan-maintain peace while walking through grief. Thank you God for the honor of meeting such a sweet soul. My dearest please say hello to Alley and Max for me. I miss you all.

Hole World To See

Void (noun): A completely empty space.

I stood before myself-stripped naked baring my soul for all to see. It was terrifying as I once felt a hole so large I thought I'd fall into it. A hole that I now realize was merely an illusion. I am slowly learning that "I am that which I am seeking." It is a relief. As I sit alone in my new favorite coffee shop (in Lexington of all places) I am at ease. I am at peace. Peace of mind is priceless. I am rarely lonely-if anything I am a loner to a fault. I feel centered today and for that I am grateful. Thank you God for some of the interesting people I've met recently-my now dear Friend from India who has lived all over the world. He is so enthusiastic for life it's contagious. We are purely platonic friends but he has shown me cultural differences and meditation techniques. I am learning the world is so much larger than I imagined. I want to travel the world and will one day do so. I've crept out of my comfort zone no longer being a homebody. It is liberating. I discovered "...as we live our lives in chains we never even know we have the keys"....Today I am blessed. I am grateful. I no longer feel a void or hole that needs to be filled. Today I am whole.

*qoutes: Richard Rohr; The Eagles

Miss Him Much

Oh how I miss him...his face, his voice, his touch his scent. My soul is grieving...filled with longing. It hurts-thus, I know truly understand the very real meaning of heart break. My heart has crashed into a million pieces. It can be pieced back together, however, I do not know how long it will take. I weep as I write these words. I try to stay busy-attending extra meetings and doing service work-anything to speed up time. I stare at the closet where his clothes once hung. I have become shameless-texting and reaching out when I shouldn't. I have never been this weak person. I am accustomed to being strong-walking away...no contact and a clean break. Alas, I have walked into unknown territory. I long for his response though it rarely comes. Should I continue sending him my blogs? I don't know-he initially said yes.  My lead is next Monday...I am incredibly nervous about it. I want him there for support but suspect he will not come. Oh how I miss him. God please remove this or show me the gift in that which has occurred.

Siphon

Siphon: to slowly remove or lose

Looking back I did exactly what my former therapist warned me to avoid-I slowly let pieces of myself  go simply to placate my former partner. This is not his fault. Rather, I compromised and just went along. In the end I can now see it as a past resentment on my end. He made all the decisions-when to visit and when to leave, what to do and when to do it. I gave away all of my power and that's likely part of why it ended. Don't get me wrong-I wasn't faking or pretending to be someone I'm not. I simply did not want to make things "complicated" knowing he'd flee if I did. And that's what happened during the two months of a pure personal hell for me. It's not that I wasn't enough for him-rather, I was too much. That's ok. That's where he's at in his life right now. I accept that. I think the relationship was healthy over all. We did the best we could at any given moment. I miss him but respect and honor his decision to walk away. I sincerely hope he misses me too-that I meant something important to him. I hope down the road he continues to feel he made the right decision in the end. I wish him great happiness and grieve it will be a life without me in it. But the truth is if he wanted to be with me he would. And he isn't.

Finite

This time it's goodbye. To be completely transparent, it's been the long goodbye for some time now. For him it became too complicated-too messy. I get it. I was the reckless tornado for two months. I thought our love was enough-that it would persevere. It did not. I accept it. I'm okay with it. The relationship taught me many things and revealed many gifts-from healthy relationships to a final healthy adult ending.  The heart of the matter is that if he wanted to be with me he would be. And he's not. That's it. That's the bottom line.

Shenanigans

Alley may have moved on but she will certainly never be forgotten. Alley was adventurous and often brought me along on her escapades. Here are but a few of her shenanigans:

1. She brought in snakes at my previous residences (both of which had a cat door). Note: she did not kill them. Rather she dropped them off in my office or put them under rugs. I am not afraid of snakes but finding live ones in the house is pretty terrifying.

2. She brought me mice from outside (which she carried inside via the cat door).  These she did play with (AKA torture). I saved the lives of some...unfortunately some were too far gone.

3. She brought me birds. She was a hunter and proudly dropped off her trophies to me. Horrifying. 

4. At my current residence she brought me baby moles. Alas, they received the same treatment as the mice. 

5. At my last residence she would often jump into the basement ceiling above my office. Most times she couldn't get down and at one point dropped through the ceiling when standing on an unsteady panel. (Note: it is difficult if not downright impossible to get a cat out of the ceiling). 

6. She recently went missing for 24 hours after managing to escape the backyard. It took a fire fighter's extended ladder and 30 minutes to coax her down. (Note: the ladder was about two stories high. It was rather alarming when the firefighter/neighbor instructed me to lean to the right if I felt the ladder was becoming unsteady).

7. She enjoyed "working" with me. This often entailed standing directly in front of the computer screen or laying on my key board. (Note: she sent out a lot of IM's to my coworkers).

8. She cried/spoke to me when she knew it was my bedtime. How she knew I'll never know.

Alley you were certainly a wonderful and exciting adventure partner. I look forward to our future endeavors. 

Disturbia

"It's a thief in the night
To come and grab you
It can creep up inside you
And consume you
A disease of the mind
It can control you
It's too close for comfort"

-Rihanna "Disturbia"

For six weeks I unknowingly lived in a mind filled with disturbia. In hindsight the subtly is clear, but it's nearly impossible to recognize it's gripping tentacles at the onset. Mental illness is unfortunately taboo to this day. I am one of the lucky ones as medication removes the insidious monsters. Oh, but first there is destruction which affects not only one's self but loved ones as well. Only when it recedes do the clouds lift-but there is wreckage which must be addressed. If one is lucky there are people in their lives who understand, empathize, and forgive. Again I am fortunate. One whom I love dearly came to support me when I needed him most despite my destructiveness during those long endless weeks. This is a message of hope. No one (and I scream no one) has to live that way permanently. There is help if one is brave enough to seek it out. I implore others suffering to reach out. For the first time in weeks I feel "normal". Dear God what a blessing. Dear family, friends, and loved ones please reach out with love and kindness when you see a person you love behaving out of character. In my case it is the first red flag. Impulsivity and extreme mood swings soon follow. Although I do not have a diagnosis of Bipolar disease, I do have a mood disorder likely exacerbated by hormones which change in women as they age. Dual diagnosis nearly always goes hand in hand with alcoholism and addiction. We initially try to self medicate which then turns on us at a certain point. I hope I have repaired the damage I created during those haunting weeks. I hope I never have to live in the hellishness again. Fortunately my awareness has greatly improved but I admit I am unable to recognize it at first. But there is hope. There is always hope. Thank you God for placing people in my life who understand and are forgiving. Thank you God for lifting the clouds when my sweet Alley was dying. It is grace and God who will save us if only we ask for his  help.

Let Freedom Ring

She is free. She has left her cancer ridden body. She fulfilled her purpose in life-she chose me and I chose her. She taught me many important lessons-patience, persistence, and unconditional love. She was there at my side during some of the greatest losses and painful moments in my life. My dear shadow who protected me fiercely. Her spirit has returned to the source of all things. Perhaps she will re-enter my life some day. Or perhaps she will return and bring joy into a new person's life. As much as it hurt, I loved her enough to let her go. Suffering is no way to live. My dear sweet Alley I will miss you so very much. My heart aches because I loved you with all that I am. You left this world peacefully and for that I am so very grateful. I will receive your ashes next week. Rather than keeping your ashes in a box, I will one day sprinkle your ashes. Perhaps this will occur in the ocean-where it too is wild, forceful, and free. Thank you for the three years you stood by side. I cannot put into words how much strength you gave me. Though you are gone, I still feel your presence and it whispers "I am free". Thank you for finding a way to bring me comfort in my grief. My dearest most loyal companion has been freed.  I am certain we shall meet again. I love you. Fly and soar for you are no longer bound to this world. 

I Am

During the last two months I became lost. It was subtle and snuck in quietly into my life. I became mentally ill (it happens once a year and generally takes me several weeks before I recognize it (unfortunately it used to take me years for me to realize it). It frightens me. It's as if invisible monsters wreak havoc into my life. I become a tornado and rip up everything around me. I am temporarily destructive without first realizing it. As a result I have severely damaged (if not completely destroyed my relationship with my (former?) boyfriend. I acted completely out of character. I hurt and miss him deeply. I complicated both my life and his. When I am healthy I am the real me- serene, simple, centered, and peaceful. As a result I may have lost our relationship forever. I blame my illness. I didn't realize or know how to communicate this to him and others. It is difficult for people to understand these insidious monsters that visit each year. I am trying to not feel ashamed by something I have no control of one month out of each year. When living with others they were able to point it out. Today I realize I must immediately visit my psychiatrist (as it's usually related to a medication adjustment). To further complicate matters I've experienced great losses (the timing couldn't be worse). I was then violated and betrayed by a person I loved dearly. This is not the poor me's. Rather it's life. It just happens. Even my routine changing during this time period (figuring out my son's ever changing work schedule and needs for transportation further complicated things and temporarily threw me off balance).  To summarize it's been a challenging few weeks that have brought me literally to my knees. Crying, surrendering to my higher power. I have cut out toxic people (i.e my ex husband, etc). I am setting appropriate boundaries. Thank you God for helping me awaken at this time. I am actively seeking help from family and loved ones. My prayer life has grown exponentially. I am growing. There are always great gifts that arise out of great pain. I am learning to ask for help (something that has always been so challenging).  I am making progress-I have reached out to my sponsor to begin meeting  weekly. I see my psychiatrist this week. I continuously hit my knees throughout the day praying. When I did my fifth step again it released a lot of emotions- I cried for days. But then came the healing of letting go. Today I am grateful. I am returning to my normal self. It's a process not magic. I sincerely apologize to those who were touched by the monsters. Today I Am me. Thank you God for jerking me out of the monsterous hell. Thank you for the me I Am today.

Gold Star

Porn is a taboo topic for a multitude of reasons. I get it. My purpose is to enlighten versus promote or bash. I've done some research. Surprisingly a staggering amount of women enjoy porn of some variety (preferences differ wildly). As a woman I can definitively say porn is generally rarely discussed amongst a group of women (as for males I honestly don't know).  Personally I enjoy porn on occasion. Why? It's visually stimulating and more importantly,  allows a person to watch a fantasy they'd truly never partake in in real life. What types of porn you might ask? Too personal but I will admit to enjoying various types depending on my mood.

Corners

Today I want to melt into a corner. I want to curl up and blend in with the walls. When I feel hurt I want to crawl into an enclosed space to lick my wounds. I want to withdraw from the world. I don't want to disappear, I simply crave temporary escape. Camouflage me. Today I give myself permission to wallow in it. Unlike Taylor Swift so aptly said "I get drunk on jealousy..." I don't. Rather I want to know-i want to understand. Why doesn't she know about me? What was the intent and motive behind the secrecy? Why weren't my feelings taken into consideration? How will he tell her? What will he say? How will she respond? Why will it be a big deal for her? Will he tell me how it went and what was said? It may not be a big deal to him but how I feel is a big deal to me. And the root of my issues (per my former therapist), is that I have consistently sought out emotionally unavailable men. Yet I've not found him to be anything but. What am I missing? I'm scared for me. I'm scared I am subconsciously playing out the same types of patterns. I googled emotional cheating and here is an excerpt: 

Now some would say "wow emotional cheating? No way!" I didn't really think so either until I read that. I blatantly admit I have trust issues...I was burned badly (incinerated if you will) in my last marriage. I'm not running (real growth on my part). But I've come to realize running would be vastly easier than digging down deep inside me. I have great intuition but struggle with anxiety as well. Admittedly the two sometimes get blurred. I love him and I know he loves me. Is that enough? Parts of me trust him completely but now new parts are blurring my vision. I don't want to question, fix, manage, or control another person. It's a terrible way to live and it accomplishes nothing. But I also don't want to be cut out of various pieces. Though weekends we live separate lives I feel it should still be shared conversationally. He may run. It may be too much obligation. He may say I'm overreacting and to him maybe I am. I don't like to drudge up the past. I would never throw a past situation in another person's face when upset or arguing. It's cruel and unfair to do so. But for me this isn't the past because it's occurring in the present-in the now. I have to be prepared he'll say "fuck it-this is too hard". Truth be told I'd rather staple my mouth shut than say anything at all. But God and AA won't allow me to do that today. I never want to feel as though I'm stealing another person's freedom. But the reality is if they want complete freedom from another individual then that's exactly what should occur. I am powerless over all things. God help me. Please show me your path. I ask for help in releasing the bondage of self regardless of the situation or outcome.  I ask you to ever remind me to let go or be dragged in life. 

Hidden

Hidden:

kept out of sight; concealed.

"hidden dangers"

synonyms:

concealed, secret, undercover, invisible, unseen, out of sight, closeted

Rather than going into a long and winding story, I'll stick with pinpointing my feelings. This is hard for me. I'd prefer to justify, rationalize, or deny than try to identify my feelings. It's personal and often doesn't feel good. It's easier for me to state the feelings I do not have. With that said, I do not feel jealous, insecure, or angry. Instead I feel hurt. I don't want to feel this way. I want it to roll off my back with ease. Lying by omission is something we all do as humans. White lies run rampant and we all partake in it. But yet this feels deeper than that. I feel hidden away. I feel I've been tucked away in order to protect another person's feelings. I understand not wanting to hurt someone. I do. But as a result, I've been hurt in the process. To share your life with another is just that--sharing. I can only ask why someone would put another person's feelings first without considering the feelings of all involved? If a person is friend's with someone and meets regularly then how could I have not been discussed? What is so shameful? Who is this person really protecting? I feel unimportant. I feel baffled. I feel deceived. I feel pain. I feel confusion. 

I could brush it aside and pretend I'm okay but I'm trying not to be that person anymore. I despise any type of "we need to talk...." conversations. So I don't have them. I have no answers. What's done is done. Friends discuss serious relationships, etc with each other (hence the word friendship).  My question is this: if a person omits having a serious romantic relationship with their friend then is the romantic relationship  actually even serious? Hence my confusion. I am not needy. But I will stand up for myself and ask "Am I in the wrong here as well? Maybe we aren't as seriously involved as I assumed. The bottom line is that I'm okay. What I must know is this-are we serious and committed or has the relationship been downgraded to less serious?  Hidden doesn't feel good. And often times once you dig, other hidden things seem to spill out. I need to know where I stand. I need a partner who is proud of me, proud of us and unashamed to share. To conclude....an I way off base with where things are? I can handle it either way. The only thing worse than feeling hidden is just not knowing.

Pain

"She paints her eyes as black as night now.
Pulls those shades down tight.
Yeah, she gives me a smile when the pain comes.
The pain gonna make everything alright..."

"She Talks to Angels"-The Black Crowes 

Pain comes in many forms-physical, emotional, heart ache, grief, addictions, etc. I believe relief is the crux of the problem and many will seek it at any costs. Eating disorders, cutting, drugs and/or alcohol (hand raised), denial, sex, shopping, gambling, suicide, etc. (the list is never ending). AA has helped me deal with a lot of my past pain and gives me a framework for dealing with present pain. I'm no saint. There is some pain I cannot touch. The loss of my son, Matthew, nope can't go there. Won't go there. Maybe someday. Prayer, meditation, helping others, sharing, and attending meetings often helps in most areas of my life. The problem as I see it is a person's inability to walk through it. Shutting it down is the softer (but often times sicker way). I get that, I truly do. I believe a person is only as sick as their secrets. Which compels me to confess. When I recently got my sparrow tattoo to denote my 5 years of freedom from alcohol I enjoyed it. I embraced it. I revelled in it.  What a glorious release-a powerful reminder that enduring pain can be a liberating experience. It was a personal reminder that through pain we can sometimes transform it into something beautiful. Something magical. "Pain is the touch stone of spiritual growth." I've personally found that sharing my pain (via a sponsor, therapist, or loved ones is a spiritual and cleansing experience. Exercise is a release for me in and of its self. For me, writing is theraputic. My written words flow more freely and helps me to relieve the bondage of self. I fall short as we humans often do. I still smoke-a filthy, poisonous addiction. But I am learning. I am growing. Pain presents a painful experience but one which hold a beautiful gift at the end. Walk through it. Suffer. Something truly miraculous awaits at the end.

Intellectual Intercourse

"And all I need now is intellectual intercourse-

A soul to dig the hole much deeper...."

-Alanis Morissette "All I Really Want"

Most anyone can enjoy the pleasure sex brings. Don't mistake me- I love sex as much as the next person (but it's something I truly enjoy if there's a deeper connection). Superficiality does nothing for me at this point in my life. What thrills me to my bones is a deeper connection that goes far beyond the act of sex. Artist Alanis Morissette captures it beautifully in the lyric "All I need now is intellectual intercourse".... a perfectly coined sentence. I crave deep emotional, spiritual, and intellectual connections. Find all three with one person and one's hit the proverbial jackpot. It's rare, it's lovely. "Connect with me" my brain has long screamed yet I chose to ignore it. Mostly I believed it was a fairytale-fun to imagine but never to materialize. Capture me with your intellect. Seduce my soul. Look deep into my eyes and truly stimulate me on all intangible levels. This isn't to downplay physical intimacy which doesn't necessarily equal sex. It's skin to skin contact-it's bedtime sweet pillow talk. These are the types of things that fill me up until my cup literally runneths over. Call it what you may-a kindred spirit, a soul mate, a twin flame but I am hear to state (okay shout) it does exist. Although it may come more easily in the beginning-it's easy to become complacent once the newness has faded. However, reading, sharing, and growing together can only strengthen these types of bonds. It can be cultivated and there are no limits to its growth. Patience and faith will lead one there.

This so called life

"The root of suffering is attachment"

-Buddha 

Life is a journey. An endless opportunity to experience, learn, and grow through life lessons. It's hard, messy, complicated, and exhilarating. With that said, I'm learning more about loving without attachment. This is not to be confused with detachment. It isn't about pulling away or other negative behaviors.  Rather, it's about unconditional love. That is, loving without conditions. This applies to all relationships though most find it harder practicing these principles in romantic relationships. For example, we love our children and our families unconditionally.  We love them where they are at and despite any shortcomings. From my research, I've learned that when people fall in love they want to attach themselves to their object of affection. They create rules and expectations. This can potentially lead to fear and disapointment. To love without attachment means to be fully present-fully authentic. Romantic relationships often don't last. People often project their desires and needs upon the future (i.e. Will there be one? , etc.).  People can still have hopes and dreams but only the present is occuring now. People do not live in the future-only in the presence of each moment. It's accepting and loving others where they're at. It's loving a person for who they are with no expectation in return. It's a beautiful but difficult practice. From my readings I have further learned that we need to only truly love ourselves-that we are whole and enough. That all we truly need is the awareness of the divine that lies within us all. People help us grow and sometimes it's through painful experiences. Regardless it's a lesson and at the end of each lesson is a gift of some kind.  As an individual we need only ourselves (not to be confused with shutting others out).  To be more specific, a person cannot solely depend upon another for their own happiness. No person can ever live up to that kind of expectation. This practice is also not to be confused with being a doormat. Sometimes loving without attachment means letting go when a relationship becomes one sided or unhealthy in some way. But, instead of despising that person, we can instead love them for the good experiences and gifts provided. For example, my last husband cheated on me (for further details refer to posts in 2016). Looking back now-wow what a blessing-a whole new road opened up before me. When relationships end we often think we'll never be happy again. How untrue this is! The ending of any relationship again opens up a new road-a new adventure. It's having faith that something wonderful will unfold.  And it always will.

Reminders

1. It may be time to purchase new perfume when my back up perfume is practically choking me out. 

2. Black will always be my signature color. I offer no apologies. 

3. My bracelet from my friends "Fall seven times. Stand up eight" is my most treasured piece of jewelry.

4. When I do not want to do something is usually the best indicator I should.

5. And I usually will. Sometimes begrudgingly.

6. Exercise always makes me feel better. On every level.

7. I need to continue to pray more.

8. Never cut my hair too short...I will always regret it and grieve. Always.

9. I think candles are romantic.

10. I'm too sensitive for my own good. 

11. I suffer from an immediate compulsion to confess. I'm sure there's a psychological term for it.

12.  Writing comes in waves. I can't force or ignore it.

13. Peonies are hands down my favorite summer flower.

14. I very much dislike humidity. Sorry Florida.

15. Red Bull is still my favorite drink though it contains chemicals I can't pronounce.

16. Getting sober is my greatest accomplishment followed closely by being a mom.

17. I have not read a novel in a very long time.  

18.  I wish upon the first star I see every night. I have for decades and likely always will. They're magical.

19. I wish for world peace and peace of mind. Both are priceless.

20. I am a great speller and derive much satisfaction when spell check finds no errors.

21. My cat meows at me when it's time for work or bed. I love her.

22. I am in my first healthy romantic adult relationship. Ever.

23. I smoke too much.

24. I love well done tattoos. 

25. I am learning to love without attachment in all things. It's hard. 

26. I find humor in most situations.

27. I am fairly good at putting things together. Most of the time there aren't parts left over.

28. I find comfort in routine.

29. My 20 year high school reunion is this year. In some ways high school feels like it ended last week.

30. I prefer male friendships to female but am much closer to female friends.

31. I could make lists for hours. 

32. I'd forgotten how good Alanis Morrisette's album Jagged Little Pill really is. 

33. I am a nervous car rider. 

34. I love it when my boyfriend sings. Especially when he doesn't know the words.

So I Walked

I woke up at 6:30 AM on this quiet Sunday morning. I'm tired. I stayed up too late. No matter, my body is conditioned to practically rise with the sun. So I walked. I walked for the sheer celebration of movement. I walked to clear the cobwebs in my head. I walked for those I am praying for. I walked for my imagination. I walked for the red cardinal who danced before me ever reminding me of loved ones passed. I walked to discover joy in the smallest of things. I walked for the worms I am compelled to save (the poor things would have been burned up by the sun. I have and will always stop and move them into the blessedly cool green grass). I walked for peace of mind. I walked so that I could listen to good music. I walked for the gift of sobriety. I walked for love and I walked for laughter. Thank you God for allowing me to see so many thing by taking just a few simple steps. 

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

I consider myself to be a private person yet an open book once I get to know someone. This is both a gift and a curse. I must vigilantly remind myself that many people (in fact, likely most) are not. It's a hard concept for me to grasp-that is, just because I am open doesn't mean that others are. It's a misconception on my part. I wish I could continuously hold on to that important and many times painful lesson. Alas, I fall short. As a result I find myself falsely comforted with a sense of security that is perhaps fabricated by my own making.  Though baffled each time I do my best not to judge others. Perhaps I need to learn to reexamine boundaries in all of my relationships on an ongoing basis. If not, I find I've set myself up for disappointment.  I should never assume. I need to learn that when people show you (and tell you) who they are and what their expectations are I need to listen. I've lulled myself into routine and comfort which can often be a dangerous combination. I conquered my jealousy and control demons long ago (no easy feat and it took years which included lots of heartache and hard work). I am trying to feel that I am not shut out. It isn't easy. I respect other people's choices. I must work on myself because I feel that I've personally taken many steps back due to fear and caution. This is my pattern. When my feelings are hurt and I've misinterpreted boundaries and expectations I want to flee (the classic fight or flight response). This time I've chosen prayer. I choose to listen not only to my own intuition but more importantly to God. Acceptance is the answer to all my problems. This not to suggest acceptance without action is sometimes warranted. At present I am mad at myself. Some days that's all there is and I'm learning to let go and let God. God holds me always.

Letting go

Today we unexpectedly put our dear, sweet, and loving cat, Max, to sleep. Max was an unusual cat-a hairless bundle of love and kindness. He loved basking in the sun and purred at the slightest touch. Letting go of a pet is always difficult. Naturally I've struggled with grief and heartache today. But after much soul searching I think I'm beginning to better understand the deep depth of this pain. We brought Max home in 2008 after a devastating loss of a baby. He helped heal the hole in our hearts. My son, Caleb, was only six-years old at that time. During that time, he was a happy, outgoing, and much loved child.  It would be the last year before I began to unravel his safety and security. It would be exactly one year before I would fall into the chaos and madness of full blown alcoholism. It would be was the last year we'd be an intact family-the last year my son would live with the father figure he'd grown up with. I can't go back and change the past but I also can't pretend I don't carry the guilt of the damage that ultimately took place. Looking back Max was a symbol of stability. It was a time when I saw my son at his happiest-when his world was still full of safety and security. This is not to suggest that my son was without love or safety when I spiraled into the depths of hell.  Rather, he was surrounded by those who loved him greatly. But for me it was the last time I would have that solid innocent bond with my child. A child who was so trusting and believed in a world of goodness. I can (and do) make a living amends to him each and every day. But let's be clear-I can never get those years back. I can never go back in time and share in his world during those years. I am grieving for Max but I am also grieving for the years in which I was absent. The years in which my son grew from a small boy into a young man. My soul weeps when I look at photos of him when he was younger-such obvious happiness and joy. I missed out on that. I will get through it-I do get through it but for today I will cry for past hurts and missed opportunities. 

Frostbite

Winter. It's a love hate relationship. I adore the lovely sheets of white powdered snow. I detest the bitter cold and darkness which devours the evenings. Long gloomy weathered days does have its benefits. It often leads to introspection and reflection. It helps me to write and express myself-a release I crave like a desert craves water. Yet it can also be dangerous. I am easily tempted to drown in a hole of blackness-I can easily withdraw into myself with little awareness of having done so. I am rarely lonely. I am an empath introvert at heart. When the blackness beckons I must be coaxed out of my isolation. I am becoming more aware of this today which in and of itself holds power. But if I am to bare down to my naked soul I must admit intimacy remains a challenge. Is it because of my nature? Primarily yes. Is it past hurts? Surely this plays some role.  It is an enigma of sorts-I crave to be touched yet sometimes cringe when it occurs. Melancholy often whispers my name and I've long taken up companionship with her. She is familiar, she is safe. Today I make commitments (particularly in recovery) and keep them (so much harder than others can imagine). An entire blog could be written solely on my issues when it comes to making commitments in the future. And it isn't that I don't want to do those things (i.e. Meet with my sponsor, etc). It's a paradox-I want these things and enjoy these things once I am there but am filled with dread in the days leading up to said commitments. I am a work in progress. Raw honestly helps me peel back the layers I have placed around me. I will continue on my journey of self discovery.  Only the truth can set one free.

Vain is as Vain does

"Beauty fades. If women find their power in their looks, then where will women find their power as they age?" -Sponsor

From the time I was a little girl I was told I was pretty-beautiful even. It was at an early age that I began to place my own value by my looks. I quickly caught on that this is what others noticed. As a result, I was groomed to believe that beauty gets one recognized. This in and of itself led to jealousy and cattiness between girls in my teens. I in turn sought out males for companionship. It was easier-it was less dramatic. But on closer examination this too was manipulative. Surrounded by boys I ensured I was the center of attention...the one to be admired. Fast forward decades and I discover two things-one I have a problem with male friendships and two, my ego demands attention-affirmation I am attractive as it makes me feel valued. This led me to cut off many relationship in my twenties-admire me from afar but do not get too close as you'll soon discover I am not the idol you mistakenly placed upon a pedestal. Better for me to run than to disappoint you. This is shallow I know...bare with me it's been a process to unlearn behaviors I learned years ago. Selfishness and self centeredness are hard to become aware of and even harder to break. To even admit these character defects is hard...I know that value should be placed on kindness, helpfulness, etc and I sincerely feel and try to exemplify these traits.  I believe beauty comes from within. To be fair, I've never valued others by their looks. The defect lies within me and is directed at me. I enjoy having male friends today and I no longer need them to desire me (or at the very least compliment me). I have always (and will continue) to not put so called "vibes" out there. I remain very aware of boundaries and would never intentionally lead someone on. I am a work in progress. I know today that what lies within myself is what makes me who I am. I no longer define my value by my appearance.  

And so I sat quietly...

It was subtle at first...so I sat quietly.

The warning signs were present but I turned a blind eye...and I sat quietly.

The flirting which snowballed...the deception I accepted ...yet I sat quietly.

My intuition which screamed something was wrong...and I sat quietly.

The gradual disintegration of affection and intimacy...yet I sat quietly.

The slow division into leading separate lives...and I sat quietly.

The slow withdrawal into myself and self imposed isolation...and I sat quietly.

The acceptance of his will and his ways...and I sat quietly.

My soul quietly dying...and I sat quietly.

Today I am amazed at my past silence-my acceptance of that which was. I weep for the empty shell of a woman I became. I don't recognize that girl. My strong, independent, and outspoken self slowly shutting down. It's indescribable. It's unfathomable. I refuse to believe I was prepared to live out my life in that manner. Yet I was. Yet I did. Thank you God for the gift his betrayal became.  Thank you God for my beautiful life today. Thank you God for shaking me-for waking me up. Thank you God-for I will never sit quietly again.

1710

By the grace of God, I have not found it necessary to take a drink during the last 1,710 days. I say this not because I think I've "beaten" my alcoholism, but rather because of my deep gratitude for what is only a daily reprieve. Although remaining sober is always my number one priority, I am now trying to apply my recovery program framework in all areas of my life. This is challenging and much more difficult then it may seem. Trying to practice a specific set of principles in all of my affairs is hard. I continuously fall short. Utilizing the principles has led me to examine parts of myself that I'd rather gloss over. The painful pieces...the old behaviors which occurred long before I began drinking daily. Carefully flipping through past decades is daunting. I firmly believe I can only grow in healthy ways if I take a hard glance at my past. Emotional pain is what I struggle with. Processing and healing my past hurts and seeing my part is overwhelming at times.  I'd rather run or play pretend. In the past I've gravitated towards emotionally unavailable men. That is anot just an observation-it is a fact. But, did I subconsciously do this because I myself was too afraid to emotionally share myself with another person? The man I'm in a relationship with now is challenging me to eradicate those barriers. It's hard but in a healthy way. I am learning to love with abandon in all areas of my life even if I later get hurt. I choose to no longer run. Life is too short to play it safe. God help me to have the courage and humility to continue to grow. "I am enough. I just need a little help in believing it."